Prince Harry Gone Wild

Prince Harry Gone Wild
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Aug. 24, 2012)

Putting the buck naked in Buckingham Palace, nude photos of Prince Harry are now all over the internet. Partying hard last weekend in a Las Vegas hotel room, pictures were taken of the bare Brit after a game of strip pool- a game the Prince apparently lost.

The pics of the exposed ginger show a full frontal Prince covering his noble nads with his hands and another shot of his royal bum. Luckily the photos confirm, the only hairy thing about Prince Harry is his first name. Jolly good!

When in America, do as the Americans do. Let freedom -of clothing- ring! It’s not called “The Wild West” for nothing. Prince Harry is practically a US citizen now. It was all culture shock, really.

It’s not like the Prince gives a damn about his reputation. Harry must resort to his bad boy ways in order to have fun. If that calls for going streaking and prank calling Prince Philip with “Is your royal refrigerator running?”, so be it. It’s not his fault his grandmother is the Queen of England and his brother is a balding bore.

Still, it’s good to know if that Prince thing doesn’t work out for Harry, there’s always a career in Playgirl.

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Bear-ly Legal

Bear-ly Legal

By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 29, 2012)

Taking advantage of the weekend sale, a bear wandered inside a Sears department store last Saturday night holding up a shopping list and a bunch of clipped coupons in her paws. She arrived at Pittsburgh Mills Mall to browse the Kardashian Kollection for a new dress tailored specially to cover up her big booty, a honey pot or 2, and a BBQ set for her BF for their anniversary the following week.

There was no need to bribe the Sears salesperson on a good deal with a loud, “Give me 75% off or I bite off your arm!” roar in bear language. Before the bear could make any purchases, pandemonium broke loose and the mall was evacuated in terror. Officials were called and trapped the bear inside 2 automatic doors at the store’s exit where she was ultimately shot with a tranquilizer and taken away.

Society has always discriminated against the animal since Yogi Bear’s pie-stealing-rampage years ago. There are many restricted areas labeled “People Only” where bears cannot trespass without getting attacked. With PETA more concerned over farm animals these days, what’s a bear to do?

Charges were not filed but, the Charmin bears are ready to testify in the bear’s defense and call on a boycott on toilet paper sales if necessary.

Boldly going where no bear has gone before, the Sears bear has been honored the Rosa Parks of her species. Her heroic tale is to be made into a movie and sure to blow Ted out of the water. Thank you beary much.

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Starbucks Stops Bugging Around

Starbucks Stops Bugging Around

By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 23, 2012)

Starbucks has taken their love for the classic flick, Beetle Juice, a little too literal by using crushed cochineal beetles as a dye in their drinks and treats. The secret ingredient was recently revealed and after an online petition signed by 6,500 people and The Orkin Man, the pool party of floating bugs inside Starbucks cups is over.

PETA argues the use of cochineal insects puts the “die” in “dye”, but they don’t know what they started.

It’s not the caffeine in your grande frappuccino you’re addicted to, it’s the bugs. With Starbucks’ bug banish underway, people will be left chewing on house flies to get their daily fix. This is a My Strange Addiction for the masses (Sam drinks 30 bugs a day; that’s over 200 bugs a week) and an Intervention sure to bring in the viewers (Aaron started eating bugs at 13. He has been addicted to bugs for 15 years.) It’s food coloring with wings that gives you wings. Not Red Bull, silly.

Starbucks sales will plummet as Americans begin collecting ant farms to sprinkle on their homemade coffee to achieve the genuine Starbucks taste. There’s no need to wait in line and pay $5 for a cup o’ joe when everything you need is right at home. Toss the bug repellent and be your own barista.

Insects beware! That flower pot on the ledge of a kitchen window is a trap and a certified no fly zone! The annual Ugly Bug Ball is next Saturday. The Backstreet Bugs will be there this year and you can’t miss it because your uncle got eaten.

Thanks a lot, PETA.


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Yippee! Titanic 3D!

Yippee! Titanic 3D!
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 5, 2012)

Quick! Grab a snorkel and your Sponge Bob swimming floaties, Titanic 3D is crashing into theatres this Friday! The 1997 blockbuster starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and an accident prone boat, is setting sail all over again. This time, with nifty plastic 3D glasses that’ll help you enjoy the epic film like never before on the big screen.

See the love story between Rose, a slutty rich girl who cheats on her fiancé, and Jack, a helpless drifter with a face for GQ, blossom into tragedy as passengers aboard the Titanic ship. Watch Kate Winslet pose topless for her artist honey and get ready to motorboat as her jumbo boobs jump off the screen and into your face in 3D. The titties are so lifelike you can almost squeeze ‘em. With a PG-13 rating, 12 year old boys will beg their moms to take them to the movies.

Capture all the thrills and chills in the ultimate Titanic experience. To better achieve the North Atlantic Ocean feel you wouldn’t get on DVD, audience members will be sprayed with cold water and theatre temperatures will drop to 10 degrees when the ship begins sinking. With Titanic 3D, catch your favorite flick and pneumonia all in your $10 ticket!

It’s been 15 years since Titanic’s release and the 100 anniversary since the original Titanic sunk. We all know the story and it’s no surprise when the ship crashes into a giant iceberg and leaves a huge dent on a polar bear family’s vacation ice house. However, this will not stop audience members from shouting at the screen in hopes of warning the ill-fated travelers, “Lookout! Iceberg ahead! Run bitch, run! Stop playing that damn violin and get in a life boat! They won’t come back for you! You’re gonna die!”

Unfortunately not everyone from Titanic’s cast was at the 3D red carpet premiere last week. Leo has nothing but bad things to say about the film that made him a Hollywood heartthrob and sadly for the old lady who played old Rose, her heart now goes on six feet underground. Yet, there’s no stopping James Cameron from rereleasing his grand 2 hour plus film and all its Bill-Paxton-with-an-earring glory to the masses. Never let go!


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A Heroic Hound

A Heroic Hound
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 30, 2012)

Last Saturday in West Yorkshire, England, a basset hound named George, was simply carrying out his daily routine; blasting Guns and Roses on the stereo and trashing the house into a war zone of chewed up shoes, pee puddles, and a floor mural of spilled Froot Loops, when he got himself into a dangerous predicament. In the mix of all his doggie fun, the hound got himself tangled in the telephone cord and began to choke.

George’s life flashed before his droopy eyes. Images flickered of playing tackle football with his siblings as a puppy, snatching BLT’s from his owner plate, and the neighbor’s poodle, Sugarplum and her fine smelling booty. All dogs go to Heaven, but George refused to step into the light. At 2 years-old, there were plenty of ducks left to hunt and legs to hump. There was no stopping this party animal.

Better known for their big ears and not their smarts, basset hounds have been getting a bad rap since the ‘50s when Elvis bashed the breed in his hit song, “Hound Dog”. It’s 2012 and time for a change. Twisted in telephone wire, George dialed 999 for emergency rescue. Luckily the basset had used the phone before to order pizzas while throwing house parties whenever the folks were out. His bad boy ways had paid off. After the operator heard the hound gasping for air on the other line, police rushed to George’s door, stormed inside, and ripped out the cord strangling him.

George had saved his own life without the need of Lassie’s pansy help tips. The bad ass basset continues his walk on the wild side with an appetite for destruction here on Earth. The dog has a reputation to keep! The heroic hound hopes his newfound stardom will draw in the ladies, unite him with his biological father, whom he never met, and influence humans to go wireless. Look out for his new reality show, “Slobber Like A Rock Star” on Animal Planet this summer.


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In Jesus Name He Sprays

In Jesus Name He Sprays
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 16, 2012)

Following the 11th Commandment of the original lost list of 15, “Thou shall always smell good”, the Pope is having a sacred scent made just for him. With the help of perfume designer, Silvana Casoli, Benny’s Body Splash is in the works and said to be a mix of hints of lime tree, verbena, and a touch of Holy Water.

Once the fragrance is complete, Pope Benedict will begin his new spiritual ritual after his morning prayers and Body of Christ omelette. Kneeling in front of his “Hang In There” poster of a crucified Jesus, The Pope will take his Benny’s Body Splash bottle and make the sign of the cross with a squirt on the forehead, chest, and shoulder to shoulder. Cleanliness is godliness; The Pope needs this cologne for his holy image.

The nose of God is always sniffing. There’s a reason the Church always has candles and incense lit. At 84, Pope Benedict can’t hide the old people smell that reeks on his robes anymore. It’s Catholic law, stinking is a sin. Bad BO will send you straight to hell. Heaven does not want you leaving stank on its Febreze scented clouds and Pine Sol cleaned floors.

This all comes just in time for Vatican fashion week starting on Easter Sunday in April. The Big Poppa fashion line is set to hit the runway with nuns decked out in silk robes, extravagant hats, and blinged out crucifix jewelry. Doing good never looked so good. In the Church’s fight against evil, the Big Poppa collection is sure to run JLo out of business. Hallelujah!

Whether he’s taking confessions from the Jersey Shore cast, teaching exorcism how-to classes or meeting Bono for coffee, with Benny’s Body Spray, The Pope is covered. So take a big whiff. Amen.


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LeBron Slam Dunks Donuts In China

LeBron Slam Dunks Donuts In China
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 8, 2012)

Taking advice from the fortune cookie message that read, “Wise is the man who dribbles in courts of glaze”, NBA superstar, LeBron James has signed on to be China’s newest spokesperson for Dunkin’ Donuts. Finally scoring a Championship Ring made up of fried dough and rainbow sprinkles, the basketball MVP is set for his journey to the faraway land with gallons of Gatorade and Air Bud on DVD.

However, to fit with local tastes, Dunkin Donuts in China will offer a new item to its menu of yummy goodies: the pork donut. A savory sweet, not even donut enthusiast, Homer Simpson would feast on, LeBron is not afraid to take on the challenge. After defeating The Bulls in last season’s Playoffs, eating a pork donut or two isn’t that difficult, even without a home court advantage.

America runs on Dunkins’, but with James’s help, not for long. Within the next year, TV commercials in China will feature the basketball star waking up at dawn, trading in his iconic sweatband for a paper hat, and uttering, “Time to make the donuts” in Cantonese. Photo ads plastered all over Shanghai will have a smiling LeBron, holding up a Dunkin’ Donuts cup beneath the slogan, “When playing for the Heat, sometimes you need a Coolatta”. Also, the athlete will make store appearances handing out autographed boxes of donuts to fans.

Unlike Americans, the Chinese do not suffer from Linsanity, yet 75% of the country is clinically James Insane. With a black belt in awesome, the newfound King Kandy is making the people of China dump their dumplings for a dozen Chocolate Kremes as fast as you can say, “Lin Who?"

Helping make obesity a worldwide epidemic, James sets sail across the globe to promote junk food’s finest treats, collect his million dollar check, and hook up with plenty of Asian babes before getting hitched to fiancé, Savannah Brinson back home. Miami Heat fans also need not worry. LeBron’s voyage is not set till the end of this season. An NBA Championship is still within grasp, as well as that half eaten jelly donut in your left hand. It’s a win-win for all.

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That's Not Jack

That’s Not Jack
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 2, 2012)

There’s a reason Jack Nicholson was a no show at the Oscars last week and it has nothing to do with the morning’s colonoscopy leaving him with extreme butt hurt. The A-list actor has been up to no good in Brazil; hillbilly hand fishing in the Amazon, hiring half dressed women to his hotel room for a personal Carnival, and opening up fake bank accounts under the name Joao Pedro dos Santos that ultimately got him arrested on Tuesday.

Seems the actor has gone fully method studying for a role as a psychotic mobster in Martin Scorsese’s newest film, “Goodfellas 2: Oldfellas”. If Nicholson ever encountered a problem during a bank transaction, Jack would threaten the bank clerk with an axe, chop up the desk in front of him and shout, “Heeere’s Joao!” The 74 year-old has flown completely over the coo coo’s nest, or at least that’s what it looks like…

Oops! Jack Nicholson is the latest celebrity to fall victim to identity theft, next to Carrot Top’s Twitter getting hacked, and a woman in a bloody butcher’s apron posing as Lady Gaga to get a free bucket of chicken at KFC. Brazilian con artist, Ricardo Sergio Freire de Barros has been hitting up banks throughout the country, opening accounts and collecting millions with a photo of Jack Nicholson on his ID. The identity was easy to score for the criminal mastermind, who used the snapshot of the famous actor from an old Entertainment Weekly cover. Luckily, Freire de Barros is a subscriber.

Some may call the criminal’s act dumb. The police say there is no resemblance between the suspect and the actor. However, the sly bandit had been getting away with identity theft for months. Bank tellers did not spot the difference or report anything wrong, since paying attention to ID photos is such a waste of time. Freire de Barros was able to walk away with a lot of free money, a Ferrari, and a great deal on a spray tan in Rio’s finest salon. Unfortunately though, all good things must come to an end and the crazy crook had to trade in his Rolex for handcuffs, his beach house for a jail cell and a Kohler’s Smart Toilet for a dirty urinal.

As far as for the real Jack Nicholson, the award winning actor continues living the dream, smoking cigars and watching the sunset on his million dollar yacht. With a fabulous life like that, you can’t blame a guy for wanting to be him.

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It's Not Delivery, It's A Marriage Proposal

It's Not Delivery, It’s A Marriage Proposal
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb 13, 2012)

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore…

Make it a Valentine’s Day to remember and an engagement story to make all the junk foodies on the couch watching Weekend At Bernie’s jealous with Pizza Hut’s “Dinner Box Proposal Package”. Show your sweetheart how much you love her by getting down on one knee and slowly opening a box revealing a medium pizza with 5 breadsticks, a cup of marinara sauce and 10 cinnamon sticks. Before you can ask, “Will you marry me?”, see your honey jump for joy and scream out, “Yes! Pepperoni, my fave!”

For $10,000, along with the enchanting Pizza Hut dinner, the package also includes a ruby engagement ring, limo service, flowers, a fireworks show, photographer and videographer to capture the magic moment on camera for Pizza Hut’s next commercial and new slogan, “A Slice Of Love Under The Hut”. You may need to work extra shifts at the gas station to come up with the money but with a smoking hot pizza topped with heart-shaped mushrooms, there’s no way a girl can resist.

With grease dripping down into the river of love, nothing brings two people together like a Pizza Hut pizza. The romantic scent of tomato sauce and mozzarella sets the mood for any two lovers. If you’re looking to get lucky with the girl you met at the Laundromat earlier in the evening; leave a trail of sprinkled pepperoni slices leading to your bedroom. With a scantily clad pizza laying in bed and “Let’s Get It On” playing, the humpty hump is bound to happen. That’s a Pizza Hut guarantee.

Give Cupid the day off this Valentine’s Day and hear the wedding bells ring with the Dinner Box Proposal Package. You’ll be picking out rings and his and hers Doritos bags in no time and don’t bother worrying about catering the reception either because Pizza Hut’s got you covered. Beat that Match.com.


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Blue Ivy Inc

Blue Ivy, Inc.
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb. 11, 2012)

Crazy In Love or just plain crazy hip hop superstars and new parents, Beyonce and Jay Z, have filed paperwork to trademark their infant’s name, Blue Ivy. This will make the Carters proud owners of the moniker of their million dollar baby and prevent it from being used by fashion companies, fragrance makers or ever seen on a label of a Crayola crayon.

Putting the “Brand” in their brand new baby, having a child was another business move for the celebrity couple. In the mix of changing diapers, sterilizing bottles and reuniting Destiny’s Child for lullabies, the mogul family has plans of releasing a line of baby products under their daughter’s name. This will include clothing, bibs, carriages, diaper bags and Blue Ivy Butt Paste.

Everything the month old VIP touches, poops and spits up, turns to gold. A loaded diaper would sell for millions on Ebay.

Let’s get real, the fabulous life is expensive; from the mansions in New York, LA, and Miami to his and hers Ferraris to baby’s 1st private jet. The funds need to come from somewhere and that somewhere is Beyonce’s uterus. Just the way baby Blue milks Mama B’s tasty titties at every feeding, Blue Ivy is getting milked herself and is hard at work as the folks’ cash cow. It’s “moo moo” not “goo goo”

The red carpet was rolled out for baby Blue way before her first appearance. Ma and Pa paid to have the maternity floor fully renovated, an army of security to crack down on any non-famous patient in the hospital, and used a decoy of a baked ham in a onesie to mislead the paparazzi waiting outside. Then on January 7th with stage lights shooting across the room and babies from the hospital nursery dressed in sequins as hired backup dancers, Blue Ivy Carter made her grand entrance popping out of Beyonce, crying out, “Can I get a waa waa?”.

With new money rolling in from Blue Ivy’s business, don’t be surprised when Beyonce and Jay Z buy a fully stocked Toys ‘R Us for their princess on Christmas or just because. Mariah, your twins have been challenged.


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Oh hell no! Where's The Dog From Hugo?

Oh hell no! Where’s The Dog From Hugo?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 31, 2012)

Spotlighting the outstanding 4-legged actors of cinema, nominations for the Golden Collar Awards have been released and at Martin Scorsese’s dismay, Blackie, the tail wagging co-star in his film Hugo, was not one of the contenders. The legendary director wrote a letter to the LA Times voicing his disappointment at the award snub. Scorsese defended Blackie’s stellar performance as a train station officer’s guard dog, who barked in a French dialect, drooled on cue, did all her own stunts and never once pooped on the set.

It’s tough getting any recognition as a black actress in Hollywood and for a Doberman, the Golden Collar nominations prove Blackie faces the same racial discrimination. Was her talent overlooked because of the color of her fur? Blackie’s breed is stereotyped as being violent, aggressive, and feast on a diet of fried chicken and watermelon. Yet, the public’s assumption couldn’t be further from the truth. The single mother to a litter of 8, Blackie balances motherhood with her career, always arriving on time for tapings and never biting Sacha Baron Cohen’s head off in frustration after flubbing his lines in take after take of shared scenes.

However, hogging up two spots in the GCA category Blackie should’ve been nominated for, is a little white boy named Uggie. The Jack Russell Terrier is nominated twice for Best Dog in a Theatrical Film for his work in both The Artist and Water For Elephants. The Tom Hanks of canines, Uggie’s mass appeal has already won him the Palm Dog Award at the Cannes Film Festival, a Facebook fan page, and his paw prints cemented at Grauman's Chinese Theater. Scandal arose last year when the pup-arazzi snapped a picture of Uggie licking himself outside a dog park on Rodeo Drive . The photos were plastered on the covers of the tabloids and mentioned on the gossip site, Teddy Hilton. Yet the publicity only pushed his career in show bizz and he is now dating Angelina Collie.

Join the fight for dog star equality and get Blackie the nomination she deserves by posting, “NOMINATE HUGO’S BLACKIE” on Dog News Daily’s Facebook page HERE. If 500 votes are given by February 6, Blackie will be seen at the Golden Collar Awards’ furry red carpet, dressed in a Versace leash and hopefully going home with a golden bone statue on the 13th.


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Til Death Do Us Wed

Til Death Do Us Wed
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 24, 2012)

A woman in Thailand was forced to marry against her will while helplessly lying dead in a casket. The wedding vows, “Till death do us part” were completely disregarded after the groom, trying very hard not to break off any of his bride’s limbs, carefully placed a ring on her brittle finger.

The ceremony took place during Sarinya Kamsook's funeral after losing her life in a car accident earlier this month. Scoring a 2 for 1 deal with the temple, Kamsook's living boyfriend, Chadil Deffy, was able to pay his last respects and wed his corspe bride simultaneously. The nuptials took place with Kamsook cold and safe in her coffin after fears arose of the bride's body falling to pieces while getting dragged down the aisle.

Unfortunately deceased, Kamsook was unable to voice any opinion in the wedding planning from the dress, the cake, the flower arrangements or the DJ playing "Thriller" during the couple's first dance.

The groom posted the wedding video and photos on Youtube and Facebook to share with family, friends, and millions of unknown strangers. Criticism arose that the mortifying marriage wasn't an act of a hopeless romantic but a desperate ploy at a publicity stunt that has landed Deffy as the web's newest celebrity next to Keenan Cahill and the Dramatic Chipmunk. Regardless of the intention, hooking up with a dead chick is nothing new. Just ask Tom Petty.

Luckily there's no footage on how the wedding night was spent between the newlyweds or if any acts of necrophilia took place in the moment of passion, though it seems Mrs. Deffy will be spending her honeymoon alone six feet under ground while her husband sips on cocktails, alive and breathing on their couples cruise to the Caribbean islands.

Whether it beats or not, a heart is still a heart. True love never dies.


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1 -800- JENNY- PURRY

1- 800 -JENNY- PURRY
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 18, 2012)

People aren’t the only ones making diet resolutions for the New Year after packing on pounds of glazed ham scraps, leftover beef stuffed pies, and bone shaped sugar cookies during the holidays. Taking after their owners, over 50% of dogs and cats in the US are overweight, obese, or need the Jaws of Life to peel them off the couch during a commercial break of Animal Cops to reach the litter box 2 feet away. Helping put an end to the marshmallow pup epidemic, Purina has joined forces with Jenny Craig to create Project Pet Slim Down; an online weight loss program for tubby tabbies and husky huskies battling the hefty issue of canine/feline weight loss.

With Project Pet Slim Down, dining consists of portion-controlled meals provided by Purina Veterinary Diet Food with fat free turkey bacon treats. Members receive exercising tips for their burly furry friends such as playing fetch with a 5-pound weighted Frisbee, signing up for a pet yoga class, and working out to fitness videos starring Richard Simmons doing jumpimg jacks in a glittered catsuit to Donna Summer tunes.

Users can also keep track of their weight loss progress on the website and post before and after photos of Fluffy wearing a bikini.

With better nutrition and a more active lifestyle, the weight loss program improves your pet’s health, life longevity, and overall self esteem. Everyday dogs and cats face public scrutiny as a plumpy pet. It’s hard enough watching those skinny bitches flashing their 8 nipples on America’s Next Dog Model and Gisele Meow-chen on the cover of Catsmopolitan magazine.

Whether you walk on 2 or 4 legs, life in the fat lane can be tough. Luckily those days of “Blubber Binx” and “Muffin Top Max” are over. After a month on the diet plan, results show pets can easily fit underneath coffee tables, walk around the block without getting winded and find that tight Christmas sweater Grandma knitted now too baggy.

Turn your round hound into a hot dog with buns of steel and chubby kitty into a true Pussycat Doll. With Project Pet Slim Down, your pet’s new sexy slender figure will change their image from McFatty to Mac Daddy with more butts to sniff, tails to chase, and an all around happier outlook on life. Don’t be surprised to find a gift of a dead rodent on your doorstep as a thank you.


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Hostess Is Hopeless: Twinkie Troubles

Hostess Is Hopeless: Twinkie Troubles
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 14, 2012)

The theory of the world coming to an end in 2012 is ringing true after Hostess, the snack company that brought us Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and type 2 diabetes, has filed for bankruptcy. Taking business advice from Winnie the Pooh, the corporation hopes to climb out of the financial hole it’s stuck in, yet the possibility of the makers of packaged fatty delights closing its doors forever has the public in an outcry of fear, tears, and drool.

No ‘mo Ho Hos, oh no! Hostess’ yummy artery-clogging-goodies are a staple in the American diet and hold the #1 top spot in the food pyramid. Without Zingers, Sno Balls, and 480 calorie Fruit Pies to help build the poor eating habits this country is known for, a giant fireball of destruction will unravel, leaving millions jobless, depressed, and hungry.

Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and tapeworm diet companies will go out of business after people are left choosing a tofu vegetable salad over a box of Hostess Cupcakes for dinner. You’re fired, Mariah! Dentists will also be out of work without cavities to fill in sugar rotting teeth. And so much for enjoying watching fatties on TV trip and fall face first on a moving treadmill on The Biggest Loser. Yet, it’s the poor, defenseless, children who will suffer the worst of the Hostess apocalypse, having to resort to an apple as an after school snack and Frogs On A Log as a special weekend treat.

Hopefully, the Occupy Twinkie movement has been put together, as protesters camp outside 7-Elevens, Kwik Stops, and behind the sofa demanding snack equality, employment, and mini cakes with cream filling. American consumers are also asked to stock up now on Hostess chubby cuisine food products in case of disaster. Hurry! Don’t let the dime-a-deal snubbers on Extreme Couponing cheat you out of lifetime supply of Ding Dongs!

However, Little Debbie could not be happier with the news of Hostess’ bankruptcy and already in the works renovating her throne of shelves as the new Queen B of the grocery store’s snack aisle. That bitch.


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Kim, Kourtney & Khloe Take Toys 'R Us

Kim, Kourtney & Khloe Take Toys ’R Us
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 7, 2012)

You see them everywhere; on TV, magazine covers, the red carpet, and soon next to Mr. Potato Head on the shelf of toy stores worldwide. After striking a deal with Mattel Inc, Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian will be made into limited-edition Barbie dolls, crashing the legendary fashionista’s hot pink Dream House with useless drama and a camera crew later this year. Soon, little girls can play brainless bimbo reality show, hold tea parties with the Kardashians fighting over the last crumpet, and shoot a sex tape with Kim and a GI Joe .

Doing away with the completely unrealistic 39”/19”/33” Barbie image, the Kardashian dolls will reflect the sassy sisters actual sizes with extra filling in the badunkadunk of Kim’s figurine and a pregnant belly for Kourtney, while Khloe’s doll will simply use Ken’s body in a brunette wig. The toy trio will also come with Kardashian designed clothes, including low-cut leopard print tops, shiny black leggings, and a mini version of Kim’s strapless, poofy, ill-fated wedding dress. Bug-eyed sunglasses, BlackBerrys, and divorce papers accessories sold separately.

For over 50 years, Barbie has been showing off her vocational gifts in different careers, from a lifeguard to an astronaut to a McDonald’s cashier and more. What is that teaching today’s youth? Hard work can make you successful? Don’t be ridiculous. Scuba diving, flying planes and deep frying chicken nuggets is not going to land you a coveted spot on Toddlers & Tiaras. It’s important for children to learn at an early age, no matter what Barney says, you can be famous for doing absolutely nothing. America’s got talent, but the Kardashians sure don’t. Yet they have millions of dollars, fans, and boxes of Twinkies. It’s time to keep it real and the launch of the Dash Dolls will do just that.

As the Kardashian’s empire continues to expand, there is no telling what to expect. Already hitting the female demographic with Kardashian Barbie dolls, Kardashian blow up dolls for boys to “play” with seems profitable. Will a move from KB Toy Stores to sex toy stores be next? Find out next Sunday at 10pm on E!

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