Starbucks Stops Bugging Around

Starbucks Stops Bugging Around

By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 23, 2012)

Starbucks has taken their love for the classic flick, Beetle Juice, a little too literal by using crushed cochineal beetles as a dye in their drinks and treats. The secret ingredient was recently revealed and after an online petition signed by 6,500 people and The Orkin Man, the pool party of floating bugs inside Starbucks cups is over.

PETA argues the use of cochineal insects puts the “die” in “dye”, but they don’t know what they started.

It’s not the caffeine in your grande frappuccino you’re addicted to, it’s the bugs. With Starbucks’ bug banish underway, people will be left chewing on house flies to get their daily fix. This is a My Strange Addiction for the masses (Sam drinks 30 bugs a day; that’s over 200 bugs a week) and an Intervention sure to bring in the viewers (Aaron started eating bugs at 13. He has been addicted to bugs for 15 years.) It’s food coloring with wings that gives you wings. Not Red Bull, silly.

Starbucks sales will plummet as Americans begin collecting ant farms to sprinkle on their homemade coffee to achieve the genuine Starbucks taste. There’s no need to wait in line and pay $5 for a cup o’ joe when everything you need is right at home. Toss the bug repellent and be your own barista.

Insects beware! That flower pot on the ledge of a kitchen window is a trap and a certified no fly zone! The annual Ugly Bug Ball is next Saturday. The Backstreet Bugs will be there this year and you can’t miss it because your uncle got eaten.

Thanks a lot, PETA.


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Yippee! Titanic 3D!

Yippee! Titanic 3D!
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 5, 2012)

Quick! Grab a snorkel and your Sponge Bob swimming floaties, Titanic 3D is crashing into theatres this Friday! The 1997 blockbuster starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and an accident prone boat, is setting sail all over again. This time, with nifty plastic 3D glasses that’ll help you enjoy the epic film like never before on the big screen.

See the love story between Rose, a slutty rich girl who cheats on her fiancé, and Jack, a helpless drifter with a face for GQ, blossom into tragedy as passengers aboard the Titanic ship. Watch Kate Winslet pose topless for her artist honey and get ready to motorboat as her jumbo boobs jump off the screen and into your face in 3D. The titties are so lifelike you can almost squeeze ‘em. With a PG-13 rating, 12 year old boys will beg their moms to take them to the movies.

Capture all the thrills and chills in the ultimate Titanic experience. To better achieve the North Atlantic Ocean feel you wouldn’t get on DVD, audience members will be sprayed with cold water and theatre temperatures will drop to 10 degrees when the ship begins sinking. With Titanic 3D, catch your favorite flick and pneumonia all in your $10 ticket!

It’s been 15 years since Titanic’s release and the 100 anniversary since the original Titanic sunk. We all know the story and it’s no surprise when the ship crashes into a giant iceberg and leaves a huge dent on a polar bear family’s vacation ice house. However, this will not stop audience members from shouting at the screen in hopes of warning the ill-fated travelers, “Lookout! Iceberg ahead! Run bitch, run! Stop playing that damn violin and get in a life boat! They won’t come back for you! You’re gonna die!”

Unfortunately not everyone from Titanic’s cast was at the 3D red carpet premiere last week. Leo has nothing but bad things to say about the film that made him a Hollywood heartthrob and sadly for the old lady who played old Rose, her heart now goes on six feet underground. Yet, there’s no stopping James Cameron from rereleasing his grand 2 hour plus film and all its Bill-Paxton-with-an-earring glory to the masses. Never let go!


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