Thursday, June 30, 2011

Big Poppa's On Twitter

Big Poppa's On Twitter
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 30, 2011)


SMH, the Pope is now on Twitter. Under the name “BigPoppa”. Pope Benedict XVI made his first tweet on Tuesday promoting the Vatican’s new website, blessing his followers, and proving that age ain’t nothing but a number. At 84, dressed in a white robe with a Lady Gaga inspired hat, Benny is still down with the young, trendy, and hip kids, reporting on Twitter from his baptized iPad and showing the globe that religion rocks. Mama Mary didn’t raise no fool.

The Holy Father joined the social network to better connect with Catholics worldwide, spread the word of God to the masses, and tweet pictures of The Vatican’s daily Eucharist, posting, “Nom nom nom! The body and blood of Christ! Yum!”

In this digital age, everything’s now on your computer screen, from PerezHilton’s celebrity news, to talking fruit on YouTube, to the Sunday sermons of priests, bishops, and cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church. You’ll never have to race to Confession again after a wild night of drinking 2 for 1 shots, stealing a box of Fig Newtons from grandma, and hooking up with Danny Bonaduce, since the sacred guilt box is now at your fingertips. Plus, those who retweet any of BigPoppa’s biblical posts will get their Twitter page splashed with virtual holy water.

To better fit in with the times, the crucifix will soon have Jesus hanging from the cross wearing thick framed glasses, with a laptop in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other. The modern martyr.

It hasn’t even been a week and Big P already has over 30,000 followers. That’s one popular holy man. Won’t you follow Him…on Twitter?

RT @HotBunsNun: Praise Jesus! @BigPoppa is here and ready to fight against evil @Satan sister @SineadOConnor

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Saturday, June 25, 2011

Eden's Crush

Eden’s Crush
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 25, 2011)

Realizing that it’s better to burnout than fade away, 6 year-old Eden Wood from Toddlers & Tiaras is welcoming a move to Florida and heading for retirement, bingo marker in hand. After 2 years in the pageant world, the 3-foot tall diva dressed in sequins, feathers, and a Muppet-skinned fur coat is calling it quits.

Although, officially resigning from beauty competitions, Eden is not saying goodbye to the stage, cameras, and The South Beach Diet just yet. The bite-sized primadonna is now on tour to promote her new singing career, performing nationwide at Build-A-Bear grand openings, along with a Jonas Brothers’ cover band, and The Wiggles.

If everything goes as planned, Disney will come running and little Eden will be cursing out the paparazzi and seen club hopping on TMZ in no time. Cha-ching! However, Eden’s rise to fame isn’t going to get in the way of a normal childhood since success at an early age never messed anyone up. Right, Leif?

Already the star of TLC’s reality show and author of her own book, Eden has her mom to thank for entering her in the pageant profession filled with crowns, sashes, trophies, and mascara running tears. It’s important for young girls to understand early on; it’s what’s on the outside that counts. True beauty comes from layers of makeup, spray-on tans, wigs, false teeth, and 10 pounds of glitter. Then, maybe one day you too will get your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, right next to the late and great Gary Coleman.

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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

What The Cluck?

What The Cluck?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 21, 2011)


In helping fight the diabetic epidemic that’s stuffing-the-face of Americans across the nation, a KFC in Utah is donating $1 to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation for every Mega Jug sold at the fast-food joint. A fancy name for a half gallon of Pepsi, the Mega Jug contains 50 spoons of sugar, 800 calories and countless BBW dreams. For only $2.99, it’s a Biggest Loser application in a cup.

Oh, the savory twist of yummy tummy irony. A disease caused by high levels of blood sugar, diabetes is brought on by poor eating habits, lack of exercise, and watching Avatar. KFC’s famous secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices of artery-clogging goodness, is the last place next to the smoking sections at Disney World to condone healthy living.

However, not everything on the KFC menu will send Jillian Michaels breathing fire and flapping her wings in an angry food tossing rampage. If you’re watching your weight and concerned about your fully-clothed beach bod, order the coleslaw. Underneath the gallon of mayonnaise and cups of whole milk, there are vegetables there…somewhere.

Diabetes may make you go blind, lose your feet, and have you stabbing your finger daily to check blood sugar levels but the KFC Big Box Meal dinner of 2 drumsticks, popcorn chicken, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, home-styled biscuits, topped with a 64oz Mega Jug’s mega sweetness, was so worth it.

Now that’s finger licking good

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Friday, June 17, 2011

The Bunny That Got Away

The Bunny That Got Away
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 17, 2011)


It’s the heartbreak hotel filled with half-naked, freshly waxed, squeezed, and eager-to-please girls at the Playboy Mansion after the King Playboy himself, Hugh Hefner, was dumped by his gold-digging and silicone-styling 25 year-old fiancĂ©e, Crystal Harris, just days before the couple’s planned nuptials this weekend.

With the bride’s change of heart and feelings towards cleaning her husband’s bedpan on a daily basis, the wedding is now off. However, there’s no telling if Hef kept all the receipts for the grand ceremony. Everything has already been paid for, from the pink frou-frou Romona Kevez wedding gown to the lavish 5 tier cake, to Crystal’s new 32DDs.

The catastrophic split also caused the television special, Marrying Hef, on Lifetime - a network where Hef’s peers and former girlfriends from the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s could tune in to watch before putting away their teeth prior to bed- to be cancelled.

Seems the $1,000 weekly allowance Crystal received for her hard day’s work of doing absolutely nothing, spent on Jimmy Choo’s, Milano handbags and personalized diamond rings for her cat, just wasn’t enough for the runaway bride.

It’s also rumored Crystal has allegedly been hopping into the arms, bed, and groin of another, younger and wrinkle-free man, Dr. Phil’s son, Jordan McGraw. When asked for comment, Dr. Phil stated, “That’s my son, y’all! This will be great for my show!”

Alas, Crystal Harris proves to be another dumb blonde, obviously failing out of Gold Digging 101 before her run with Hef, the ultimate Splenda Grandpappy there is. Crystal only needed to stick it out a few years as Mrs. Hefner, reminding her hubby to take his daily pills of Centrum Silver, Citracal, and Viagra and before long would be shooting a nudie Forbes cover, wrapped in cash, after collecting millions and millions in life insurance payments.

Heartbroken and distressed, Hugh is now said to be hooking up with Betty White on the rebound and spending hours alone in his room with his Miracle Ear on, listening to Taylor Swift albums, choking back tears, and proclaiming, “That’s so true, Taylor! That’s so true!”

Hef first spotted the Playmate back in 2009 putting the “tramp” in trampoline, bouncing on the infamous Playboy springs topless. It was love at first, second, and third base. However, just because the silver fox is (much) older does not mean he’s wiser. Making the devastating mistake of giving monogamy a go, Hef proposed to Crystal on Christmas last year beside the fire, sipping eggnog, enjoying some stocking-shaped sugar cookies, and a Happy Holidays Hand Job.

Now Kody Brown from Sister Wives can tell you, one-on-one relationships never work. Dude’s gotta have his backups. Sadly though, at 85, Hef seems to be suffering from severe memory loss and rational thinking, forgetting all about the fantasy life he once had and all the boobies that kept him warm at night.

Ultimately, Crystal believes a marriage to a multi-millionaire will hurt the image of her so-called music career. With her new single, “An Amazing Publicity Stunt That’s Sure To Get Me Famous!” to hit the airwaves on Monday, look out for her new reality show, “Keeping Up With The Cash” that’s in the works and planned to air on E! this fall.

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Monday, June 6, 2011

Your Cat Is Cooler Than You

Your Cat Is Cooler Than You
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 6, 2011)

Your cat is cooler than you -and it has nothing to do with the Michael Bolton greatest hits CD you play in the car every day. Thanks to Friskies, little Whiskers now shops at Urban Outfitters, listens to Belle & Sebastian on vinyl and combs a faux hawk between his ears during his morning tongue bath, since the cat food brand has just released a new iPad app exclusively for felines.

After clawing up the furniture, sparking ground shaking sneeze attacks, and smothering babies in their sleep, cats can now scratch up the $700 screen of the iPad you saved weeks of Subway paychecks to get. With games like “Cat Fishing”, “Tasty Treasure Hunt” and “This Is So Much Cooler Than A Ball Of Yarn”, the hot expensive toy even has Mr. Bigglesworth’s celebrity endorsement.

However, not everyone is happy with the new hipster cat craze. Outraged and jealous, dogs everywhere are demanding “Duck Hunt”, “Chewy Shoe-y”, and “Mailman Madness” iPad game apps to be made and sold. Pet stores now must go high-tech with their supplies because those litter boxes that amazingly clean themselves are so last year.

The Aristocats were right, everybody does want to be a cat.

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