Monday, July 25, 2011

Milk: Does the Menstrual Cycle Good

Milk: Does the Menstrual Cycle Good
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 25, 2011)


After a week’s run, a milk ad campaign featuring frantic men stocking up on milk cartons for their lady loves who are entertaining for Aunt Flow’s monthly visit has been pulled due to high criticism for being offensive, sexist, and insensitive to those who suffer from lactose intolerance.

Forget Midol. Showcasing a study that milk helps reduce PMS symptoms, the California Milk Processor Board released a commercial targeting the real victims of the bloody curse: men. Every 28 days, guys endure a sex-less week of torture resulting from their girl’s crazy demands of countless Hershey bars, whining over being too bloated to fit into her favorite Jordache jeans, and starting a shouting match every time “that skinny bitch”, Kelly Rippa is on TV.

Under the slogan, “Jugs For Jugs”, milk sympathizes and offers a calciyum solution, advising dudes to always keep cups of moo moo juice handy in case of emergency. However, results can be risky. Several women riding the crimson wave have ended up throwing the drink in their man’s face, yelling, “I don’t want no glass of milk, stupid ass! Now where’s my heating pad, so we can hop in bed and get it on?”

While most men can relate and chuckle when watching the milk commercials, women see otherwise; viewing the advertisements as offensive to the gender for their fuming mad antics during their time of the month. Ridiculed and insulted, cows working on dairy farms nationwide are boycotting their jobs, grasping their utters and proclaiming, “No means no! Enjoy osteoporosis, suckas!”

Luckily, the ad campaign was pulled before the news spread, offending other females; human, cow or (wo)manatee. Now ladies on their period can return to piling up their shopping carts with tampons, maxi pads and tons of chocolate…milk.

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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Brangelina Bugs Out

Brangelina Bugs Out
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 20, 2011)

No need to call the exterminator after an insect infestation in your home, the Jolie-Pitt clan will gladly take care of the bug problem for you. Award winner and blood drinker, Angelina Jolie revealed on Monday that her kids love eating crickets. Chowing down on the crispy critters as they play Xbox on their marble floor, ride their private jet around the world, and to keep busy while Mommy and Daddy slip off to the bedroom and make weird noises.

The 6 little ones drool whenever they see a Disney movie featuring Jiminy Cricket, proclaiming, “That singing and dancing bug sure looks delicious!”

Knowing very well of Brangelina’s celebrity impact, insect enthusiasts are angry and upset as the bug eating trend starts to expand. Flying off the shelves faster than bags of Cheetos, Funyuns, and sugar covered Monkey BrainZ, their favorite creepy-crawly will soon fall into the endangered species list, while dentists everywhere begin finding bug legs stuck between their patients’ teeth.

The nightly tranquil chirp of the male crickets’ mating call, advising all the ladies to call up the 1-800-LOVE-A-BUG singles line and singing Barry White songs, will soon go mute.

Although, a common snack in the Far East, crickets always considered North America as a safe haven, living the good life hopping about and never having to worry about getting their head chomped off after being grilled, fried, or dipped in chocolate. The cricket cuisine is something you’d see on Fear Factor, not on the menu at a Hollywood A-List restaurant. But obviously, fear is not a factor to the Jolie-Pitt family.

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Monday, July 18, 2011

No Me Ames:Jlo And MAnt Split

No Me Ames: JLo And MAnt Split
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 18, 2011)


Ay yay yay, after seven years of a muy cliente marriage Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced. Seems the celebrity couple’s Puerto Rican pride with gringo glamour, and the many naughty nights with the wife’s big ‘ol booty wasn’t enough to make the Hollywood love last.

The devastating news comes as a shock to most, leaving chongas all over with Sharpie-drawn eyebrows running down their face in tears, while Jen’s ex, Chris Judd, is all smiles, throwing fists and hollering, “Boo-yah! Ladies love the Snug-A-Judd They all keep crawling back for more!”

With a successful career in music, movies, fashion and sitting next to the decaying Steven Tyler as an American Idol judge, critiquing young singers as they belt out Billy Ray Cyrus tunes, JLo seemed to have it all. But don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got. The former Fly Girl is now another single mother statistic struggling to make ends meet; working 5 jobs, collecting child support and living in a Beverly Hills mansion filled with nannies, maids and a professional Elmo impersonator for the kids.

The salsa king and queen will soon be seen walking down the red carpet, dressed in designer duds, and posing for the paparazzi on the way to court. Although, we have yet to know who gets what of the couple’s million dollar fortune, Marc’s divorce lawyer will be using J.Lo’s hit , “My Love Don’t Cost A Thing” as a defense.

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Friday, July 15, 2011

Where's The Beef?

Where’s The Beef?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 15, 2011)

Some men are willing to admit to stuffing their pants with various objects from socks to a roll of quarters, in an effort to zoom in on their junk-in-the-front. Yet a man in South Carolina has taken the crotch padding practice a bit too far, by getting himself arrested at an Ingles grocery store last weekend for stealing various meat packages hidden inside his Scooby Doo briefs.

The seemingly well endowed shoplifter, Terry Campbell, went to the store on Saturday to pick up a few things for a backyard barbeque and was spotted shoving hot dogs, hamburger patties, and 2 large beach balls into his jeans by the grocery store manager. Campbell was chased out into the parking lot, and boldly going where no man or woman has gone before, the supermarket manager reached inside the beef thief’s pants and unveiled several Oscar Mayer products tangled in a jungle of pubes.

Attempting to flee the scene, Campbell’s “Wash Me!” written car failed to start. Putting the gear in neutral, he then proceeded to roll out like Fred Flintstone, yelling “Yabba dabba doo, bitches!”, almost running over another Ingles employee in the process. However after getting run down by police and a little old lady with a shopping cart, the ham burglar was eventually stopped.

Though before getting flipped and grilled by his new cell mate in the slammer, Campbell was first taken to the hospital. Suffering from chest pains due to high cholesterol from red meat, the doctor advised him that maybe next time he should rob the produce section if he wants to stay in good health.
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Monday, July 11, 2011

Just Say Meow

Just Say Meow
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 11, 2011)

The war on drugs has missed its mark as the cat junkie epidemic rises across the nation. With stashes hidden behind litter boxes and dealings taking place on top of tree branches, the cats on drugs craze is growing in popularity, and a dangerous habit that is ultimately lethal.

Just last week, a cat died of a heroin overdose in Boulder, Colorado after breathing in the drug smoke blown on his face by his owner, Danielle Blankenship. Danielle was only sharing the high with her furry friend like the pair did every afternoon, however Muffin’s latest fix unfortunately led to his demise.

To help stop these devastating situations from reoccurring, Animal Planet has started production of a new Intervention-like show geared solely towards felines who suffer from substance abuse issues. After rehab and aide from Dr. Drew’s own pet, Dr. Pawthorne, there’s still hope these kitties can overcome addiction and go back to tearing up curtains, leaving dead mice outside your doorstep, and playing games on their iPad in no time.

It’s best to sit down with your cat(s) at an early age after their morning tongue-bath and talk about the deadly use of illegal drugs. Although it might seem like the cool thing to do (“C’mon man, we have nine lives.”), an educated and strong-willed cat wouldn’t fall for peer pressure…just off a rooftop.

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Saturday, July 9, 2011

A Lemonade Stand Turns Sour

A Lemonade Stand Turns Sour
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 9, 2011)


Summer’s here and with scorching temperatures that make even Michael Moore strip down to his skives in sweat, there’s nothing more refreshing than a nice cold glass of lemonade to cool you off, quench your thirst, and keep you clothed. Yet, we unfortunately live in a dog-squeeze-dog world where last week a lemonade stand held by a trio of children in Ohio was robbed by a group of teenagers dressed in hoodies, skinny jeans, and temporary leprechaun tattoos.

The criminal activity started after one teen took a sip of the zesty drink, slammed down his glass, and demanded a refund. “What is this?! This isn’t diet! Now give me my 25 cents back!” Using his 4th grade math, the 11 year-old vendor slowly struggled counting the coins to return to the customer. Frustrated and already running late for the Dungeons & Dragons convention in Cleveland, the teenage thugs grabbed the money jar from the foldout table and drove off.

The crooks got away with $13.50 of the little ones’ hard earned money of sitting out in the sun catching second degree burns, squeezing lemons into lukewarm water, and missing a Sponge Bob marathon. If these types of burglaries continue, security cameras will soon be installed inside the cardboard constructed booths to catch the offenders in the act and to later be broadcasted on TruTV’s countdown of “World’s Most Desperate Criminals”

The kiddies were only doing their part trying to save the dwindling economy with their seasonal juice business. Times are hard enough spending the summer days with your unemployed parents at home yelling out numbers at the TV while watching The Price Is Right in pajamas. Money doesn’t grow on trees; someone needs to bring home the bacon.

However, after hearing the news of the theft, an anonymous donor gave the children $20 as a repayment. That’s a 6 dollar bonus and a Taco Bell lunch! So you see? When life hands you a lemon; make lemonade.

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