Friday, August 24, 2012

Prince Harry Gone Wild

Prince Harry Gone Wild
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Aug. 24, 2012)


Putting the buck naked in Buckingham Palace, nude photos of Prince Harry are now all over the internet. Partying hard last weekend in a Las Vegas hotel room, pictures were taken of the bare Brit after a game of strip pool- a game the Prince apparently lost.

The pics of the exposed ginger show a full frontal Prince covering his noble nads with his hands and another shot of his royal bum. Luckily the photos confirm, the only hairy thing about Prince Harry is his first name. Jolly good!

When in America, do as the Americans do. Let freedom -of clothing- ring! It’s not called “The Wild West” for nothing. Prince Harry is practically a US citizen now. It was all culture shock, really.

It’s not like the Prince gives a damn about his reputation. Harry must resort to his bad boy ways in order to have fun. If that calls for going streaking and prank calling Prince Philip with “Is your royal refrigerator running?”, so be it. It’s not his fault his grandmother is the Queen of England and his brother is a balding bore.

Still, it’s good to know if that Prince thing doesn’t work out for Harry, there’s always a career in Playgirl.

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Sunday, July 29, 2012

Bear-ly Legal

Bear-ly Legal

By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 29, 2012)

Taking advantage of the weekend sale, a bear wandered inside a Sears department store last Saturday night holding up a shopping list and a bunch of clipped coupons in her paws. She arrived at Pittsburgh Mills Mall to browse the Kardashian Kollection for a new dress tailored specially to cover up her big booty, a honey pot or 2, and a BBQ set for her BF for their anniversary the following week.

There was no need to bribe the Sears salesperson on a good deal with a loud, “Give me 75% off or I bite off your arm!” roar in bear language. Before the bear could make any purchases, pandemonium broke loose and the mall was evacuated in terror. Officials were called and trapped the bear inside 2 automatic doors at the store’s exit where she was ultimately shot with a tranquilizer and taken away.

Society has always discriminated against the animal since Yogi Bear’s pie-stealing-rampage years ago. There are many restricted areas labeled “People Only” where bears cannot trespass without getting attacked. With PETA more concerned over farm animals these days, what’s a bear to do?
Charges were not filed but, the Charmin bears are ready to testify in the bear’s defense and call on a boycott on toilet paper sales if necessary.

Boldly going where no bear has gone before, the Sears bear has been honored the Rosa Parks of her species. Her heroic tale is to be made into a movie and sure to blow Ted out of the water. Thank you beary much.

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Monday, April 23, 2012

Starbucks Stops Bugging Around

Starbucks Stops Bugging Around
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 23, 2012)

Starbucks has taken their love for the classic flick, Beetle Juice, a little too literal by using crushed cochineal beetles as a dye in their drinks and treats. The secret ingredient was recently revealed and after an online petition signed by 6,500 people and The Orkin Man, the pool party of floating bugs inside Starbucks cups is over.

PETA argues the use of cochineal insects puts the “die” in “dye”, but they don’t know what they started.

It’s not the caffeine in your grande frappuccino you’re addicted to, it’s the bugs. With Starbucks’ bug banish underway, people will be left chewing on house flies to get their daily fix. This is a My Strange Addiction for the masses (Sam drinks 30 bugs a day; that’s over 200 bugs a week) and an Intervention sure to bring in the viewers (Aaron started eating bugs at 13. He has been addicted to bugs for 15 years.) It’s food coloring with wings that gives you wings. Not Red Bull, silly.

Starbucks sales will plummet as Americans begin collecting ant farms to sprinkle on their homemade coffee to achieve the genuine Starbucks taste. There’s no need to wait in line and pay $5 for a cup o’ joe when everything you need is right at home. Toss the bug repellent and be your own barista.

Insects beware! That flower pot on the ledge of a kitchen window is a trap and a certified no fly zone! The annual Ugly Bug Ball is next Saturday. The Backstreet Bugs will be there this year and you can’t miss it because your uncle got eaten.

Thanks a lot, PETA.


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Thursday, April 5, 2012

Yippee! Titanic 3D!

Yippee! Titanic 3D!
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 5, 2012)

Quick! Grab a snorkel and your Sponge Bob swimming floaties, Titanic 3D is crashing into theatres this Friday! The 1997 blockbuster starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and an accident prone boat, is setting sail all over again. This time, with nifty plastic 3D glasses that’ll help you enjoy the epic film like never before on the big screen.

See the love story between Rose, a slutty rich girl who cheats on her fianc√©, and Jack, a helpless drifter with a face for GQ, blossom into tragedy as passengers aboard the Titanic ship. Watch Kate Winslet pose topless for her artist honey and get ready to motorboat as her jumbo boobs jump off the screen and into your face in 3D. The titties are so lifelike you can almost squeeze ‘em. With a PG-13 rating, 12 year old boys will beg their moms to take them to the movies.

Capture all the thrills and chills in the ultimate Titanic experience. To better achieve the North Atlantic Ocean feel you wouldn’t get on DVD, audience members will be sprayed with cold water and theatre temperatures will drop to 10 degrees when the ship begins sinking. With Titanic 3D, catch your favorite flick and pneumonia all in your $10 ticket!

It’s been 15 years since Titanic’s release and the 100 anniversary since the original Titanic sunk. We all know the story and it’s no surprise when the ship crashes into a giant iceberg and leaves a huge dent on a polar bear family’s vacation ice house. However, this will not stop audience members from shouting at the screen in hopes of warning the ill-fated travelers, “Lookout! Iceberg ahead! Run bitch, run! Stop playing that damn violin and get in a life boat! They won’t come back for you! You’re gonna die!”

Unfortunately not everyone from Titanic’s cast was at the 3D red carpet premiere last week. Leo has nothing but bad things to say about the film that made him a Hollywood heartthrob and sadly for the old lady who played old Rose, her heart now goes on six feet underground. Yet, there’s no stopping James Cameron from rereleasing his grand 2 hour plus film and all its Bill-Paxton-with-an-earring glory to the masses. Never let go!


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Friday, March 30, 2012

A Heroic Hound

A Heroic Hound
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 30, 2012)

Last Saturday in West Yorkshire, England, a basset hound named George, was simply carrying out his daily routine; blasting Guns and Roses on the stereo and trashing the house into a war zone of chewed up shoes, pee puddles, and a floor mural of spilled Froot Loops, when he got himself into a dangerous predicament. In the mix of all his doggie fun, the hound got himself tangled in the telephone cord and began to choke.

George’s life flashed before his droopy eyes. Images flickered of playing tackle football with his siblings as a puppy, snatching BLT’s from his owner plate, and the neighbor’s poodle, Sugarplum and her fine smelling booty. All dogs go to Heaven, but George refused to step into the light. At 2 years-old, there were plenty of ducks left to hunt and legs to hump. There was no stopping this party animal.

Better known for their big ears and not their smarts, basset hounds have been getting a bad rap since the ‘50s when Elvis bashed the breed in his hit song, “Hound Dog”. It’s 2012 and time for a change. Twisted in telephone wire, George dialed 999 for emergency rescue. Luckily the basset had used the phone before to order pizzas while throwing house parties whenever the folks were out. His bad boy ways had paid off. After the operator heard the hound gasping for air on the other line, police rushed to George’s door, stormed inside, and ripped out the cord strangling him.

George had saved his own life without the need of Lassie’s pansy help tips. The bad ass basset continues his walk on the wild side with an appetite for destruction here on Earth. The dog has a reputation to keep! The heroic hound hopes his newfound stardom will draw in the ladies, unite him with his biological father, whom he never met, and influence humans to go wireless. Look out for his new reality show, “Slobber Like A Rock Star” on Animal Planet this summer.


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Friday, March 16, 2012

In Jesus Name He Sprays

In Jesus Name He Sprays
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 16, 2012)

Following the 11th Commandment of the original lost list of 15, “Thou shall always smell good”, the Pope is having a sacred scent made just for him. With the help of perfume designer, Silvana Casoli, Benny’s Body Splash is in the works and said to be a mix of hints of lime tree, verbena, and a touch of Holy Water.

Once the fragrance is complete, Pope Benedict will begin his new spiritual ritual after his morning prayers and Body of Christ omelette. Kneeling in front of his “Hang In There” poster of a crucified Jesus, The Pope will take his Benny’s Body Splash bottle and make the sign of the cross with a squirt on the forehead, chest, and shoulder to shoulder. Cleanliness is godliness; The Pope needs this cologne for his holy image.

The nose of God is always sniffing. There’s a reason the Church always has candles and incense lit. At 84, Pope Benedict can’t hide the old people smell that reeks on his robes anymore. It’s Catholic law, stinking is a sin. Bad BO will send you straight to hell. Heaven does not want you leaving stank on its Febreze scented clouds and Pine Sol cleaned floors.

This all comes just in time for Vatican fashion week starting on Easter Sunday in April. The Big Poppa fashion line is set to hit the runway with nuns decked out in silk robes, extravagant hats, and blinged out crucifix jewelry. Doing good never looked so good. In the Church’s fight against evil, the Big Poppa collection is sure to run JLo out of business. Hallelujah!

Whether he’s taking confessions from the Jersey Shore cast, teaching exorcism how-to classes or meeting Bono for coffee, with Benny’s Body Spray, The Pope is covered. So take a big whiff. Amen.


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Thursday, March 8, 2012

LeBron Slam Dunks Donuts In China

LeBron Slam Dunks Donuts In China
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 8, 2012)

Taking advice from the fortune cookie message that read, “Wise is the man who dribbles in courts of glaze”, NBA superstar, LeBron James has signed on to be China’s newest spokesperson for Dunkin’ Donuts. Finally scoring a Championship Ring made up of fried dough and rainbow sprinkles, the basketball MVP is set for his journey to the faraway land with gallons of Gatorade and Air Bud on DVD.

However, to fit with local tastes, Dunkin Donuts in China will offer a new item to its menu of yummy goodies: the pork donut. A savory sweet, not even donut enthusiast, Homer Simpson would feast on, LeBron is not afraid to take on the challenge. After defeating The Bulls in last season’s Playoffs, eating a pork donut or two isn’t that difficult, even without a home court advantage.

America runs on Dunkins’, but with James’s help, not for long. Within the next year, TV commercials in China will feature the basketball star waking up at dawn, trading in his iconic sweatband for a paper hat, and uttering, “Time to make the donuts” in Cantonese. Photo ads plastered all over Shanghai will have a smiling LeBron, holding up a Dunkin’ Donuts cup beneath the slogan, “When playing for the Heat, sometimes you need a Coolatta”. Also, the athlete will make store appearances handing out autographed boxes of donuts to fans.

Unlike Americans, the Chinese do not suffer from Linsanity, yet 75% of the country is clinically James Insane. With a black belt in awesome, the newfound King Kandy is making the people of China dump their dumplings for a dozen Chocolate Kremes as fast as you can say, “Lin Who?"

Helping make obesity a worldwide epidemic, James sets sail across the globe to promote junk food’s finest treats, collect his million dollar check, and hook up with plenty of Asian babes before getting hitched to fianc√©, Savannah Brinson back home. Miami Heat fans also need not worry. LeBron’s voyage is not set till the end of this season. An NBA Championship is still within grasp, as well as that half eaten jelly donut in your left hand. It’s a win-win for all.

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Friday, March 2, 2012

That's Not Jack

That’s Not Jack
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 2, 2012)

There’s a reason Jack Nicholson was a no show at the Oscars last week and it has nothing to do with the morning’s colonoscopy leaving him with extreme butt hurt. The A-list actor has been up to no good in Brazil; hillbilly hand fishing in the Amazon, hiring half dressed women to his hotel room for a personal Carnival, and opening up fake bank accounts under the name Joao Pedro dos Santos that ultimately got him arrested on Tuesday.

Seems the actor has gone fully method studying for a role as a psychotic mobster in Martin Scorsese’s newest film, “Goodfellas 2: Oldfellas”. If Nicholson ever encountered a problem during a bank transaction, Jack would threaten the bank clerk with an axe, chop up the desk in front of him and shout, “Heeere’s Joao!” The 74 year-old has flown completely over the coo coo’s nest, or at least that’s what it looks like…

Oops! Jack Nicholson is the latest celebrity to fall victim to identity theft, next to Carrot Top’s Twitter getting hacked, and a woman in a bloody butcher’s apron posing as Lady Gaga to get a free bucket of chicken at KFC. Brazilian con artist, Ricardo Sergio Freire de Barros has been hitting up banks throughout the country, opening accounts and collecting millions with a photo of Jack Nicholson on his ID. The identity was easy to score for the criminal mastermind, who used the snapshot of the famous actor from an old Entertainment Weekly cover. Luckily, Freire de Barros is a subscriber.

Some may call the criminal’s act dumb. The police say there is no resemblance between the suspect and the actor. However, the sly bandit had been getting away with identity theft for months. Bank tellers did not spot the difference or report anything wrong, since paying attention to ID photos is such a waste of time. Freire de Barros was able to walk away with a lot of free money, a Ferrari, and a great deal on a spray tan in Rio’s finest salon. Unfortunately though, all good things must come to an end and the crazy crook had to trade in his Rolex for handcuffs, his beach house for a jail cell and a Kohler’s Smart Toilet for a dirty urinal.

As far as for the real Jack Nicholson, the award winning actor continues living the dream, smoking cigars and watching the sunset on his million dollar yacht. With a fabulous life like that, you can’t blame a guy for wanting to be him.

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Monday, February 13, 2012

It's Not Delivery, It's A Marriage Proposal

It's Not Delivery, It’s A Marriage Proposal
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb 13, 2012)

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore…

Make it a Valentine’s Day to remember and an engagement story to make all the junk foodies on the couch watching Weekend At Bernie’s jealous with Pizza Hut’s “Dinner Box Proposal Package”. Show your sweetheart how much you love her by getting down on one knee and slowly opening a box revealing a medium pizza with 5 breadsticks, a cup of marinara sauce and 10 cinnamon sticks. Before you can ask, “Will you marry me?”, see your honey jump for joy and scream out, “Yes! Pepperoni, my fave!”

For $10,000, along with the enchanting Pizza Hut dinner, the package also includes a ruby engagement ring, limo service, flowers, a fireworks show, photographer and videographer to capture the magic moment on camera for Pizza Hut’s next commercial and new slogan, “A Slice Of Love Under The Hut”. You may need to work extra shifts at the gas station to come up with the money but with a smoking hot pizza topped with heart-shaped mushrooms, there’s no way a girl can resist.

With grease dripping down into the river of love, nothing brings two people together like a Pizza Hut pizza. The romantic scent of tomato sauce and mozzarella sets the mood for any two lovers. If you’re looking to get lucky with the girl you met at the Laundromat earlier in the evening; leave a trail of sprinkled pepperoni slices leading to your bedroom. With a scantily clad pizza laying in bed and “Let’s Get It On” playing, the humpty hump is bound to happen. That’s a Pizza Hut guarantee.

Give Cupid the day off this Valentine’s Day and hear the wedding bells ring with the Dinner Box Proposal Package. You’ll be picking out rings and his and hers Doritos bags in no time and don’t bother worrying about catering the reception either because Pizza Hut’s got you covered. Beat that Match.com.


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