Hostess Is Hopeless: Twinkie Troubles
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 14, 2012)
The theory of the world coming to an end in 2012 is ringing true after Hostess, the snack company that brought us Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and type 2 diabetes, has filed for bankruptcy. Taking business advice from Winnie the Pooh, the corporation hopes to climb out of the financial hole it’s stuck in, yet the possibility of the makers of packaged fatty delights closing its doors forever has the public in an outcry of fear, tears, and drool.
No ‘mo Ho Hos, oh no! Hostess’ yummy artery-clogging-goodies are a staple in the American diet and hold the #1 top spot in the food pyramid. Without Zingers, Sno Balls, and 480 calorie Fruit Pies to help build the poor eating habits this country is known for, a giant fireball of destruction will unravel, leaving millions jobless, depressed, and hungry.
Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and tapeworm diet companies will go out of business after people are left choosing a tofu vegetable salad over a box of Hostess Cupcakes for dinner. You’re fired, Mariah! Dentists will also be out of work without cavities to fill in sugar rotting teeth. And so much for enjoying watching fatties on TV trip and fall face first on a moving treadmill on The Biggest Loser. Yet, it’s the poor, defenseless, children who will suffer the worst of the Hostess apocalypse, having to resort to an apple as an after school snack and Frogs On A Log as a special weekend treat.
Hopefully, the Occupy Twinkie movement has been put together, as protesters camp outside 7-Elevens, Kwik Stops, and behind the sofa demanding snack equality, employment, and mini cakes with cream filling. American consumers are also asked to stock up now on Hostess chubby cuisine food products in case of disaster. Hurry! Don’t let the dime-a-deal snubbers on Extreme Couponing cheat you out of lifetime supply of Ding Dongs!
However, Little Debbie could not be happier with the news of Hostess’ bankruptcy and already in the works renovating her throne of shelves as the new Queen B of the grocery store’s snack aisle. That bitch.
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