Udderly Delicious No More

Udderly Delicious No More
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 27, 2008)

Lactating mothers: crunch into a Vlasic pickle and beware! Hold your slobber babies close and your dripping saggy-bagged boobs closer. Armed with picket signs and breast pumps PETA is on the prowl, sneaking into nurseries, bedrooms, and KB Toy Stores, to fill up empty Quaker Oats containers by the gallon with your mother's milk, all in hopes consumers have a change of heart, along with a change of taste.

In a recent letter to the men behind the name, the magic, and the 42 fat grams per serving of Ben & Jerry's, the animal rights group is asking the ice cream chain to substitute one of its most important ingredients; milk, with the stuff that leaks through the uniform of your postpartum Denny's waitress. Claiming breast milk is to be a better and healthier switch for ice cream fanatics, unlike cow's milk, it is least likely to reek from sun exposure, go chunky after its sell-by date, or be laced with crystal meth.

On behalf of cows worldwide, PETA is standing on top of their soapbox on all fours to say, "Enough is enough! They will no longer be the milk vending machines for the human population! Cows are tired of being yanked around! It stops now!" To which the hefty farm animals added, "Moo."

The hobnob and hapless activist group's solution to the moo moo juice boycott is to have nursing women create, use, and sell out their own milky ways from their own personal mammary glands.

Never mind the droopy diaper youngins who depend on breast milk for nutrition, growth, and developmental bling-bling playa skills in the first place. The rightful owners of the juicy jugs are expected to cry hungry, as tubbos in front of the TV eat up in delight. Dollar General cashier, stay-at-home and out of work mothers are ready to take advantage of the new career opportunity and milk 'em ta-tas for all they're worth, for they have not one, but 2 packages filled with liquid gold resting inside their maternity bras. "Sorry Baby, mama gots to get paid."

As infantile obesity goes into a decline, cow unemployment is set to reach an all time high. Countless of cows will be out of work, standing in line alongside Danny Bonaduce at the social security office. Those whose udders once provided delicious goodness for millions will be let-go and forced into early retirement, set to lead an unproductive and duller life, with only the occasional tip and occasional poop to look forward to.

The BBW stars of the Ben & Jerry's logo are to be replaced with the tease of a sloppy and sleep deprived woman lifting up a vomit-stained Tshirt, exposing her gnawed left nipple. Production is in the beginning works for the future campaign for Ben & Jerry's newest flavors, Chug-A-Jug, Boobie Goodies, and Tasty Tits.

Unfortunately, not everyone picks up a jazzy Ben & Jerry's carton while browsing Winn-Dixie's frozen food aisle. If PETA is successful in passing their Cow Labor Law and with the limited supply of trickling baby mamas, Edy's, Breyer's, and other ice cream brands must rely on other sources. So go ahead and fill up your bowl with 3 scoops of Rocky Road, unbeknownst to you, portions have come from a gorilla's hairy teat.

Source

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Ellen DeGeneres?

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Ellen DeGeneres?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 19, 2008)

The theory that a lesbian's idea of being fashion forward comes in denim shirts with cut off sleeves, Simon Cowell haircuts, and Berkenstocks is just an old civil-unioned wives tale. No matter how many power drills fill up their garage, lesbians are women too and are just as expected to spend a hefty penny on compacts, nail glue and thong panty-liners like all the straight girls, regardless of the tool belts they swing.

Breaking down the saw dust over Cosmo's Musts sterotype with a goofy dance -and a just as goofy smile- Ellen DeGeneres has become the newest spokesmodel for CoverGirl cosmetics. Dressed in a blazer, New Balance tennis shoes and a shiny new wedding ring, she bumps the closed-closeted big bad mama jamma, Queen Latifah out of her previous position.

Not one you'd expect to pose in front of a camera, DeGeneres is definitely one of those, "Listen El, you got a great personality, but--" types. Her close-up beauty shots may be blurry and out of focus, but her nice funny gal persona and loaded bank account are as clear as day. With no modeling experiance whatsoever, the mop-top scored a million dollar deal, as Tyra Banks spends months training aspiring models, making them strut in an infested shark tank in meat-covered underwear in order to land a job with CoverGirl; when all it really takes is a distinctive nose and a harmless PG-Rated Brangelina joke.

CoverGirl now embraces their newest motto: It's What's On The Inside That Counts But You Can Really Use Some Concealer.

With DeGeneres as the fresh pony face for the cosmetic line, the move is sure to lasso in a much needed clientelle. Women who never bothered with makeup, hairspray, or a penis are now cramming CVS aisles after getting word from the Godmother. Tearing up the Living Lez Guidebook, chicks who once wore their scars like a badge of honor ("I got this one on my cheek after my girl broke my glasses. She was sitting on my face when it happened") are now required to pick up CG's new liquid foundation and blend, blend blend.

Equality for all.

Why should drag queens and trannies have all the fun putting on a fabulous face for their Cher tribute show and why should heteosexual women be the only ones to get into fender benders attempting to put on mascara while driving on the freeway?

Putting their famined staff to work, CoverGirl is expanding to a very large and left-out demographic, and there's no better spokesmodel to reach out to their target audience than Ellen DeGeneres -- unless, this unravels into another Anne Heche blunder.

Source

OMG! LC Crooks and Writes a Book

OMG! LC Crooks and Writes a Book
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 14, 2008)

Over the years many women have played major roles in the literary world. As authors, poets, and hot air balloon columnists, several are successful in their contribution to the written word. Iconic greats like Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, and Tori Spelling now welcome in the latest to join the Prose Hoes gang, Lauren "LC" Conrad, who as of last week, only expressed love in writing by signing her name at the bottom of a Piggly Wiggly on Rodeo receipt.

Somebody call Dr. Seuss! A floozy with a Blackberry is on the loose!

Lauren Conrad: Laguna Beach alum, former Teen Vogue intern, fabulous fashion designer, and blank-stare extraordinaire, has just landed a 3-book deal with Harper Collins. The Hills faux-reality (and alleged sex tape) star is planning on penning up a series of YA novels that are to be found in the Teen Spirituality section at the neighborhood Borders, sharing the same shelf with Senseless Credibility, The Swell Mar and Are You There God? It's Me, Rumor Willis. Although fictional, the novels are said to be inspired by the uplifting tales of Conrad's own bitches from riches life.

Protagonist Susan Pronad is set out to make a life for herself in Los Angeles working as a fake strip club promoter, wearing oversized sunglasses and always showing up fashionably late to hot parties thrown by Kathy Griffin. The plot revolves around her and her friends who tend to overdramatize minor altercations such as, "I'm sorry, but you got a Power Muff. I just can't be friends with someone who wears fur." Hours upon end are spent just talking and talking and talking about oneanother in various settings: beside the inflatable pool, on their RAC rented couch, sitting in a Dave & Buster’s booth, and at the Save The Penny Loafers annual potato-sack race. As camera crews are granted access and if the girls make a conscious effort to memorize their scripts beforehand and to not obviously direct their eyes at the cue cards, will Susan's dream of becoming an authentic human being come true?

In all hopes Conrad's writing style is capable of capturing the same apathetic and monotone narration she displays on her own show, as Pulitzer Prize nominations are on the horizon. Although insiders are hinting the books are being ghostwritten by professional beloved, Holly Madison.

English majors dressed in black turtlenecks across the country are angrily chugging down caramel macchiatos at the news. There is no fairness as an uneducated spoof effortlessly scoops up a publisher, while others are obligated to sleep with the tubby-pizza-faced receptionist at Random House and anxiously await, while their book of poems, My Last Breath. Did I Remember to Use AquaFresh? gathers dust.

As Audrina puts her freshly baked rack to use filming the blockbuster, Into the Blue 2: Drowning Never Felt So Long, and with Heidi getting cozy in a recording studio finishing up her highly-awaited super smash album alongside cult leader, doofus, and fiancé Spencer, The Hills girls are breaking out like Jessica Simpson's face in her Proactiv commercials. Never the one to play copycat or trim Jason Wahler's beard, Conrad was left without any options, a book deal was the only way to go in expanding the LC empire.

Unfortunately, teenage America doesn't bother reading Pop Tart warning labels, Swiffer Wet Jet manuals, or Planned Parenting pamphlets, let alone a fictional book based on a life that was fictional to begin with. Reading a book can take days, sometimes weeks! There is no sense in going through the time and trouble when The OC, 90210, and That's So Raven complete seasons are already out on DVD.

Source