It's a Nice Day For a Wentz Wedding

It's a Nice Day for a Wentz Wedding
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (May 18, 2008)

Like rushing to the toilet after a Taco Bell dinner, Ashlee Simpson has charged down the altar, dragging fiancée, Pete Wentz, by the back of his ugly gray hoodie, with her. Directly following in the strappy heels of her older sister Jessica, Ashlee has not only starred in her own reality show and dished out a couple of crummy albums, but has just gotten married to a boy band member, as well- a just as queer, Fall Out Boy band member, that is.

Although both Simpson sisters each have some celebrity interest, a Youth Minister turned money-hungry-exploiting- manager of a father and 2 big boobs, Ashlee now hides a small bundle under her LAMB shirt, that Jessica has never had the opportunity of smuggling. For the first time, the 23 year-old younger sibling has beaten her big sis to the punch, in the baby bump race!

(Poor Jessica didn't even know they were running. It's not like she had a chance at winning lately, especially now since her Dallas Cowboys boyfriend, Tony Romo, has just said "No mo'!")

Quite possibly the smartest career move Simpson has made since dancing the jig after her SNL lip-synching mishap, there is no greater promotional tool than getting knocked up. Oh how the public loves to watch celebrities put on the pounds. We can't help to read the tabloids and eat up those ballooning-figure pics for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

A Hollywood pregnancy guarantees at least 12 full months of press coverage, from Whoa! She's About to Unload to Baby's First Magazine Cover. Throw in a shotgun wedding and things will throw Ryan Seacrest into seizure. Any publicity can only help Simpson's new album that has already crashed and burned, after less than a month of its release. The little growing surprise fetus couldn't have arrived at a better time. Motherhood may give Simpson's breasts a little sag, but it's sure to give her career a little boost.

The emergency nuptials between Simpson and Wentz came after only a few weeks of their engagement. A baby born out of wed-lock; that is so punk rock. But this couple is so not, punk rock. Wedding attire was most likely bought from Hot Topic stores, with the groomsmen in argyle sweater vests under black blazers with cartoon skull crests on the breast pocket. While the bridesmaids wore polka-dotted dresses over neon tights with plastic pearls and plenty of colorful rubber bracelets.

As the spunky twosome exchanged vows, it appeared as a moment stolen from the movie Beetlejuice.

Of course later, at the dinner reception, Maid-Of-Honor Jessica, looked up from her plate confused and asked a nearby guest "Is this chicken what I have or is this fish?"

To which he looked at her and answered, "That's a cheeseburger."

America's Next Top Model Finishes Big

America's Next Top Model Finishes Big
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (May 15, 2008)

America's Next Top Model's newest winner has her cake and eats it too- with chocolate mousse and fudge-vanilla swirl ice cream, along with a side order of lemon meringue pie. Let's just hope she remembers to save a piece for Tyra!

Hailing from northern Florida, 20 year-old Whitney Thompson is not the kind of girl who's ashamed to ask for seconds, as long as it's not 2nd place. And with the ambition that matches her appetite, the curvy gal has been named the first plus-size champion in ANTM history, and history of reality series everywhere, for that matter.

With the season finale of Cycle 10, America's Next Top Model welcomed in the size 10 along with it. Finally getting some recognition, girls with real body shapes across the country are overjoyed with the outcome. Real girls, whose thighs stick together whenever they sit and arm flab that flaps with each effortless move, oh-so proudly, like an American flag waving in the wind.

Some may say the Southern belle holds the body-type of the average American woman, but the average American woman is fat. This nation is built on McDonald's $1 Menu and the motto: More is more, but now, like an STD on Lindsay Lohan's toilet seat, the theory has spread- to the fashion world, no less!

The success of America's Next Top Model is not a tough equation to figure out. We love to judge. Whether it’s falling off a runway in 6in stilettos, sobbing over a haircut, or getting called a tranny look-a-like by Paulina Porizkova, we love to watch thin and beautiful girls being made as fools. It makes the hair growing on our upper lip not so bad. Thanks to the show, we don't have to rely on sneaking behind someone's back in order to talk smack; it's now as easy as sitting in front of the TV.

Yes, the fashion world is completely unrealistic compared to what you see in the mirror and on the street, or dare I even say, on the scale, but that's a huge part of its appeal. Getting paid thousands of dollars to wear designer gowns, dating and partying with the hottest celebs, and living off a diet of cocaine, champagne and cigarettes, with the daily ExLax? It's a fantasy world.

Due to jealousy, insecurity, and straight-out haterade, it's nearly impossible to keep oneself from pointing out the imperfections of these almost-perfect people. It's fun. But here comes Whitney with her badonkadonk and ANTM brand behind her, to totally flip it. Like always, the big girl spoils the fun, because with a plus-size model, there's guilt involved. Who are we to pick apart someone who is not 34-24-36, while we watch and sit on our couch pigging out on Tostitos? It's hard to go against one of your own.

This is nothing but bringing false hope to young girls everywhere. What are these crazy ideas we're filling our children’s' minds with? As if a fatty can advance in society.

Personally, my heart broke once Fatima was shockingly eliminated from the final 3 in the competition. USA for Africa, my ass.

Wait, what's that sound coming down the runway? Ah, it's the rumble of the thunder thighs, with Whitney leading the way!

Mini-Post :Survey Says Gobble Gobble!

Mini-Post: Survey Says Gobble Gobble!
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (May 4, 2008)




Something you confuse your 9 year-old son for while out hunting?

TURKEY!

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