Friday, March 2, 2012

That's Not Jack

That’s Not Jack
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 2, 2012)

There’s a reason Jack Nicholson was a no show at the Oscars last week and it has nothing to do with the morning’s colonoscopy leaving him with extreme butt hurt. The A-list actor has been up to no good in Brazil; hillbilly hand fishing in the Amazon, hiring half dressed women to his hotel room for a personal Carnival, and opening up fake bank accounts under the name Joao Pedro dos Santos that ultimately got him arrested on Tuesday.

Seems the actor has gone fully method studying for a role as a psychotic mobster in Martin Scorsese’s newest film, “Goodfellas 2: Oldfellas”. If Nicholson ever encountered a problem during a bank transaction, Jack would threaten the bank clerk with an axe, chop up the desk in front of him and shout, “Heeere’s Joao!” The 74 year-old has flown completely over the coo coo’s nest, or at least that’s what it looks like…

Oops! Jack Nicholson is the latest celebrity to fall victim to identity theft, next to Carrot Top’s Twitter getting hacked, and a woman in a bloody butcher’s apron posing as Lady Gaga to get a free bucket of chicken at KFC. Brazilian con artist, Ricardo Sergio Freire de Barros has been hitting up banks throughout the country, opening accounts and collecting millions with a photo of Jack Nicholson on his ID. The identity was easy to score for the criminal mastermind, who used the snapshot of the famous actor from an old Entertainment Weekly cover. Luckily, Freire de Barros is a subscriber.

Some may call the criminal’s act dumb. The police say there is no resemblance between the suspect and the actor. However, the sly bandit had been getting away with identity theft for months. Bank tellers did not spot the difference or report anything wrong, since paying attention to ID photos is such a waste of time. Freire de Barros was able to walk away with a lot of free money, a Ferrari, and a great deal on a spray tan in Rio’s finest salon. Unfortunately though, all good things must come to an end and the crazy crook had to trade in his Rolex for handcuffs, his beach house for a jail cell and a Kohler’s Smart Toilet for a dirty urinal.

As far as for the real Jack Nicholson, the award winning actor continues living the dream, smoking cigars and watching the sunset on his million dollar yacht. With a fabulous life like that, you can’t blame a guy for wanting to be him.

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1 comment:

  1. When I was in LA...I went to a bunch of touristy shops where you could buy fake celebrity IDs for 3 bucks. I almost bought several...and still am regretting it. I could be Julia Roberts....or Levar Burton.

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