Rolling Back Prices With Every Swing

Rolling Back Prices With Every Swing
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 31, 2011)

Let’s get ready to rumble! A Walmart greeter in Batavia, New York, got greeted herself with a punch in the face from a fist-flying customer. The elderly employee and busted up victim, Grace Suozzi, simply asked to see the shopper’s receipt at the store exit. However, Jacquetta Simmons took the request as a T.K.O. invite that landed Suozzi in the hospital with multiple facial fractures, painful swelling and a missed night at Bingo. Flawless Victory!

With Suozzi out cold on the floor, Simmons fled but was stopped in the parking lot by Walmart workers, shoppers, and spectators who had placed bets on the brawl. It was discovered her receipt showed her purchases of the Road House DVD, smiley face socks and bundles of bananas were paid for. No theft of any kind. Yet Simmons remains silent on why she went Rocky Balboa on Suozzi, because the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The 70 year-old retiree started working at Walmart a few months ago to save up enough money to pay for vaginal rejuvenation surgery that wasn’t covered by Medicare. (The sugar walls are sagging; it’s time for a lift.) Yet it appears her friends at the senior center were right. Suozzi was better off taking a job as a school crossing guard, trading in her blue vest uniform for a neon one and a broken nose for a STOP! sign.

The location where the granny beat down took place is not surprising, though. Better known as a popular hangout for the bored, weird, and fashionably handicapped, Walmart lures in the most bizarre. Why not turn the store into a boxing ring? Out of stock on Charmin toilet paper and the gloves are off!

“Welcome to Walmart! How may I help you?” – now them be fightin’ words.


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From Facebook To The Jail Books

From Facebook To The Jail Books
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 28, 2011)

It’s a digital age we live in nowadays, with children listening to The Wiggles’ Greatest Hits on their iPod, nuns texting the word of God during morning prayers, and Grandpa setting his next urologist appointment on his iPad 2. Everything is as simple as a push of a button, even when it comes to a crime investigation.

A Pittsburg market was burglarized by four thieves earlier this month. The robbers got away with $8,000 in cash, cigarettes and 100 bags of Skittles. It was mission accomplished for the gang, with a trip to Disney World planned, till one member posted pictures of the pocket-posse with all their stolen goodies on his Facebook page. Turns out the thoughtless thug, Isaiah Cutler, forgot to change the privacy settings on his Facebook account. The photos were made public and provided the police solid evidence for their arrest. No Law & Order detective work needed; the cops didn’t even have to put down their jelly donuts. Case solved.

Bored of flipping through MAD magazine and played out on Super Mario, the amateur burglars were just looking for something to do on their winter break from school. A store robbery was the answer! The group was made up of two 14 year-olds, a 17 year-old, and Cutler as the eldest and dumbest at 18. The other 3 will serve their short sentence for grand theft as juveniles before heading back to the 8th grade while Cutler will be tried as an adult, and likely ruled a new life in handcuffs, picking up trash off the freeway, and becoming the newest bitch in the Pittsburg Penitentiary. Look out for his prison updates on Facebook coming soon. (Isaiah Cutler: My butt hurts. –with cellmate Stinky Pete, Isaiah Cutler: Doing the jailhouse rock! –at the Prison Yard)

Showing off their biceps and Benjamins, the after-party-raid pictures that landed Cutler in the slammer look as if they are the remains left on the cutting room floor of a poorly made hip hop video not even Vanilla Ice, with his comeback single “Ice, Ice Adult”, would participate in. The boys flash wads of cash and pose shirtless for the camera, all in hopes their Facebook Friends will click “Like” and comment on their awesomeness and glorious triumph.

However, Cutler’s lawyer claims the gangster-in-training’s images were all photo-shopped and that his client’s Facebook was hacked into. None of this would have happened on Google+.

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America's Got Howard

America’s Got Howard
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 17, 2011)

TV’s hit, “America’s Got Talent” just got a touch of the royal treatment after The King of All Media, Howard Stern, signed on as the program’s newest judge, filling in for Piers Morgan with fart jokes, F-bombs, and boob job giveaways for bikini-stuffing-impaired contestants. The shock jock starts this summer, sitting next to Sharon Osbourne and Howie Mandel, critiquing hopefuls in the competition’s most entertaining, compelling, and STD-ridden season yet!

With Stern on board, auditions will begin showcasing new and different performances for viewers across the country to enjoy. Including mesmerizing motorboat acts, booty scrubbing stunts and amazing women shooting ping pong balls out of their vagina from the “America’s Got Talent” stage into your living room. Strippers, here’s your chance! Turn that $10 in your G-string into millions. Ready. Aim. Fire.

Let’s be honest. Singing Lionel Richie tunes and dancing the Macarena in a neon leotard can only take you so far, but having the special gift of catching bologna slices with your ass cheeks is a true, undeniable talent that is sure to get Howard’s vote and a one-way ticket to Hollywood. Star quality like that can’t easily be made.

Although the lineup will definitely bring in ratings with the unbathed, single and sex-deprived male audience, not everyone is happy with Howard’s move to primetime. Leave it to the bored mothers on the Parents Television Council to make an uproar against NBC’s choice in their latest recruit. PTC members have threaten to boycott the family friendly show, calling Stern a despicable candidate, crushing every little girls’ dream chance of ever landing a spread in Playboy magazine and winning an AVN award with Howard’s help in the process.

Nevertheless, Howard Stern is a major pop culture icon in America. The radio host is the Barbara Walters of dirty-talking journalism that has interviewed A-list celebrities, public figures and 1-toothed trannies for over 25 years. Trading in Baba Booey for Nick Cannon seems only rational.

My Yummy Little Pony

My Yummy Little Pony
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 1, 2011)

Cows, chickens, and alligators of Jacksonville, make way! Thanks to President Obama, your sizzling death on a Burger King grill will now be shared with Mister Ed’s great-grandson, Black Beauty IV, and that horse from Gumby, since the slaughter and consumption of horse meat is now legal in the United States.

Chowing down on clop chops is now as patriotic as Donald Trump’s glorious comb-over, and already an American favorite. Mall food courts nationwide have opened up Stallion Subs, Horse-Fill-A, and McMustang’s eateries for shoppers to enjoy, and Martha Stewart is set to air a full episode next week on how to prepare a special holiday horse meal this Christmas.

Don’t knock it until you tried it, or ride it, rather. America needed another red meat to carry the country’s obesity epidemic along, and what better than horse? It’s a new age. The animal is no longer needed as a means of transportation anymore. And have you seen the jockeys on the race track lately? They’re starving waiting for their four-legged teammates to die.

However, not everyone is happy about the new horse-gobbling law that’s been passed. The folks at PETA are in an uproar working on their “Just Say Neigh” campaign, farmers are barricading barn doors and petting zoos throughout the country are carrying “Please Don’t Eat The Horses” signs in case of the occasional hungry visitor.

Horses of the US, you have been warned. That haystack you’re eating may be your last. John Wayne is waiting.

Gumby Makes A Career Move

Gumby Makes A Career Move
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (September 10, 2011)

It’s been over 15 years since Gumby reigned on television, delighting children and amusing adults. Now as an out of work oddly-shaped headed man decked out in green, Gumby is running low on funds and the bills are piling high, resulting to a life of crime for the once famed TV star.

Caught on video surveillance earlier this week, a fully nude Gumby was spotted attempting to rob a San Diego 711 with Pokey, his getaway horse waiting outside and ready to bolt. Unfortunately, the store’s clerk did not take the stick up seriously as the burglar proceeded, “Give me all your money! I’m Gumby, dammit!” The cashier began to laugh and Gumby ran out of the 711 in embarrassment.

Trying to put the “G” back in Gumby, it appears his act of robbery was a total dud that makes Easy E roll over in his grave in shame. However, the criminal has yet to be caught and out on the loose.

It’s a sad ending to Gumby’s True Hollywood Story. After 35 years in show-biz, seems the lavish spending and the wild parties of the 80’s with the Care Bear gang, his wingman Mr. Rogers, and then girlfriend, Rainbow Brite has caught up to his savings account and the former celebrity filed bankruptcy in 1995.

Things became really bad when the city was forced to shut off the electricity in Gumby’s home. Without a working air conditioner to keep him cool, the clay man was in grave danger of melting away and getting mopped up off the face of the earth. Gumby’s life was at stake and he needed cash now!

However, Gumby’s money-hungry mischievous deed was a very strategic career move. With the crime hitting all the media outlets, Gumby’s getting everyone talking and the publicity is sure to make him a star once again. Look out for his reunion show, Gumby Gets The Green on E.

PETA Makes A Porno

PETA Makes A Porno
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Aug 20, 2011)


Don’t eat meat, munch a rug instead. In hopes of gaining more supporters, PETA is launching a porn website inspired by raunchy rabbits, humping-hungry dogs and Jenna Jameson’s award winning film career. The animal rights group’s new XXX site will feature pictures and videos of human sexcapades as well as live streaming from the north pole titled Arctic Nights with a fully nude female polar bear on ice skates.

Knowing very well that sex sells when it comes to putting an end to animal abuse, animal testing and Joe Pesci movie sales, PETA got the idea for HornyHyenas.com after taking advice from Heidi Fleiss following the shooting of her own reality show for Animal Planet, Prostitutes To Parrots.

Sticking to their anti-fur campaign, all actresses are told to shave the power muff before filming in honor of the American bald eagle. Promoting vegetarianism, videos will also include girl-on-veg action featuring adult film star, Cucumber Cummings.

Seems People of the Ethical Treatment of Animals could care less about the ethical treatment of people, while guys worldwide alone in their room surf the site with lotion in one hand and a hamburger in the other.

America Goes Green

America Goes Green
By Chloe Dinnerolly (Aug 2, 2011)

“Pot for Patriots” is the new catchphrase for a medical marijuana clinic in Lansing, Michigan that offers a free sample of the herbal refreshment to registered voters. Yes, the weed you buy to relieve the pain caused by cancer, glaucoma, and stubbing your toe while playing hacky-sack, comes at no charge with a simple “I Voted” sticker on your Grateful Dead shirt.

Offering a little something more motivational than what politicians promise, owner of Your Healthy Choice Clinic and certified drug dealer, Shekina Pena, started the peace pipe promotion to get the public voting when elections for the city council took place last week. The people of Lansing were seen walking into voting booths surrounded by a cloud of smoke and laughing hysterically at the word, “Election”. Yet the proud voters were still able to cast a vote for Snoop Dogg for Mayor, before raiding the 7 – 11’s snack aisle.

Smoking doobies has now become as American as obesity, heart disease and shopping at Pottery Barn. So, say The Pledge of Allegiance, light up and ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.

Milk: Does the Menstrual Cycle Good

Milk: Does the Menstrual Cycle Good
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 25, 2011)

After a week’s run, a milk ad campaign featuring frantic men stocking up on milk cartons for their lady loves who are entertaining for Aunt Flow’s monthly visit has been pulled due to high criticism for being offensive, sexist, and insensitive to those who suffer from lactose intolerance.

Forget Midol. Showcasing a study that milk helps reduce PMS symptoms, the California Milk Processor Board released a commercial targeting the real victims of the bloody curse: men. Every 28 days, guys endure a sex-less week of torture resulting from their girl’s crazy demands of countless Hershey bars, whining over being too bloated to fit into her favorite Jordache jeans, and starting a shouting match every time “that skinny bitch”, Kelly Rippa is on TV.

Under the slogan, “Jugs For Jugs”, milk sympathizes and offers a calciyum solution, advising dudes to always keep cups of moo moo juice handy in case of emergency. However, results can be risky. Several women riding the crimson wave have ended up throwing the drink in their man’s face, yelling, “I don’t want no glass of milk, stupid ass! Now where’s my heating pad, so we can hop in bed and get it on?”

While most men can relate and chuckle when watching the milk commercials, women see otherwise; viewing the advertisements as offensive to the gender for their fuming mad antics during their time of the month. Ridiculed and insulted, cows working on dairy farms nationwide are boycotting their jobs, grasping their utters and proclaiming, “No means no! Enjoy osteoporosis, suckas!”

Luckily, the ad campaign was pulled before the news spread, offending other females; human, cow or (wo)manatee. Now ladies on their period can return to piling up their shopping carts with tampons, maxi pads and tons of chocolate…milk.

Brangelina Bugs Out

Brangelina Bugs Out
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 20, 2011)

No need to call the exterminator after an insect infestation in your home, the Jolie-Pitt clan will gladly take care of the bug problem for you. Award winner and blood drinker, Angelina Jolie revealed on Monday that her kids love eating crickets. Chowing down on the crispy critters as they play Xbox on their marble floor, ride their private jet around the world, and to keep busy while Mommy and Daddy slip off to the bedroom and make weird noises.

The 6 little ones drool whenever they see a Disney movie featuring Jiminy Cricket, proclaiming, “That singing and dancing bug sure looks delicious!”

Knowing very well of Brangelina’s celebrity impact, insect enthusiasts are angry and upset as the bug eating trend starts to expand. Flying off the shelves faster than bags of Cheetos, Funyuns, and sugar covered Monkey BrainZ, their favorite creepy-crawly will soon fall into the endangered species list, while dentists everywhere begin finding bug legs stuck between their patients’ teeth.

The nightly tranquil chirp of the male crickets’ mating call, advising all the ladies to call up the 1-800-LOVE-A-BUG singles line and singing Barry White songs, will soon go mute.

Although, a common snack in the Far East, crickets always considered North America as a safe haven, living the good life hopping about and never having to worry about getting their head chomped off after being grilled, fried, or dipped in chocolate. The cricket cuisine is something you’d see on Fear Factor, not on the menu at a Hollywood A-List restaurant. But obviously, fear is not a factor to the Jolie-Pitt family.

No Me Ames:Jlo And MAnt Split

No Me Ames: JLo And MAnt Split
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 18, 2011)

Ay yay yay, after seven years of a muy cliente marriage Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced. Seems the celebrity couple’s Puerto Rican pride with gringo glamour, and the many naughty nights with the wife’s big ‘ol booty wasn’t enough to make the Hollywood love last.

The devastating news comes as a shock to most, leaving chongas all over with Sharpie-drawn eyebrows running down their face in tears, while Jen’s ex, Chris Judd, is all smiles, throwing fists and hollering, “Boo-yah! Ladies love the Snug-A-Judd They all keep crawling back for more!”

With a successful career in music, movies, fashion and sitting next to the decaying Steven Tyler as an American Idol judge, critiquing young singers as they belt out Billy Ray Cyrus tunes, JLo seemed to have it all. But don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got. The former Fly Girl is now another single mother statistic struggling to make ends meet; working 5 jobs, collecting child support and living in a Beverly Hills mansion filled with nannies, maids and a professional Elmo impersonator for the kids.

The salsa king and queen will soon be seen walking down the red carpet, dressed in designer duds, and posing for the paparazzi on the way to court. Although, we have yet to know who gets what of the couple’s million dollar fortune, Marc’s divorce lawyer will be using J.Lo’s hit , “My Love Don’t Cost A Thing” as a defense.

Where's The Beef?

Where’s The Beef?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 15, 2011)

Some men are willing to admit to stuffing their pants with various objects from socks to a roll of quarters, in an effort to zoom in on their junk-in-the-front. Yet a man in South Carolina has taken the crotch padding practice a bit too far, by getting himself arrested at an Ingles grocery store last weekend for stealing various meat packages hidden inside his Scooby Doo briefs.

The seemingly well endowed shoplifter, Terry Campbell, went to the store on Saturday to pick up a few things for a backyard barbeque and was spotted shoving hot dogs, hamburger patties, and 2 large beach balls into his jeans by the grocery store manager. Campbell was chased out into the parking lot, and boldly going where no man or woman has gone before, the supermarket manager reached inside the beef thief’s pants and unveiled several Oscar Mayer products tangled in a jungle of pubes.

Attempting to flee the scene, Campbell’s “Wash Me!” written car failed to start. Putting the gear in neutral, he then proceeded to roll out like Fred Flintstone, yelling “Yabba dabba doo, bitches!”, almost running over another Ingles employee in the process. However after getting run down by police and a little old lady with a shopping cart, the ham burglar was eventually stopped.

Though before getting flipped and grilled by his new cell mate in the slammer, Campbell was first taken to the hospital. Suffering from chest pains due to high cholesterol from red meat, the doctor advised him that maybe next time he should rob the produce section if he wants to stay in good health.
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Just Say Meow

Just Say Meow
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 11, 2011)

The war on drugs has missed its mark as the cat junkie epidemic rises across the nation. With stashes hidden behind litter boxes and dealings taking place on top of tree branches, the cats on drugs craze is growing in popularity, and a dangerous habit that is ultimately lethal.

Just last week, a cat died of a heroin overdose in Boulder, Colorado after breathing in the drug smoke blown on his face by his owner, Danielle Blankenship. Danielle was only sharing the high with her furry friend like the pair did every afternoon, however Muffin’s latest fix unfortunately led to his demise.

To help stop these devastating situations from reoccurring, Animal Planet has started production of a new Intervention-like show geared solely towards felines who suffer from substance abuse issues. After rehab and aide from Dr. Drew’s own pet, Dr. Pawthorne, there’s still hope these kitties can overcome addiction and go back to tearing up curtains, leaving dead mice outside your doorstep, and playing games on their iPad in no time.

It’s best to sit down with your cat(s) at an early age after their morning tongue-bath and talk about the deadly use of illegal drugs. Although it might seem like the cool thing to do (“C’mon man, we have nine lives.”), an educated and strong-willed cat wouldn’t fall for peer pressure…just off a rooftop.

A Lemonade Stand Turns Sour

A Lemonade Stand Turns Sour
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 9, 2011)

Summer’s here and with scorching temperatures that make even Michael Moore strip down to his skives in sweat, there’s nothing more refreshing than a nice cold glass of lemonade to cool you off, quench your thirst, and keep you clothed. Yet, we unfortunately live in a dog-squeeze-dog world where last week a lemonade stand held by a trio of children in Ohio was robbed by a group of teenagers dressed in hoodies, skinny jeans, and temporary leprechaun tattoos.

The criminal activity started after one teen took a sip of the zesty drink, slammed down his glass, and demanded a refund. “What is this?! This isn’t diet! Now give me my 25 cents back!” Using his 4th grade math, the 11 year-old vendor slowly struggled counting the coins to return to the customer. Frustrated and already running late for the Dungeons & Dragons convention in Cleveland, the teenage thugs grabbed the money jar from the foldout table and drove off.

The crooks got away with $13.50 of the little ones’ hard earned money of sitting out in the sun catching second degree burns, squeezing lemons into lukewarm water, and missing a Sponge Bob marathon. If these types of burglaries continue, security cameras will soon be installed inside the cardboard constructed booths to catch the offenders in the act and to later be broadcasted on TruTV’s countdown of “World’s Most Desperate Criminals”

The kiddies were only doing their part trying to save the dwindling economy with their seasonal juice business. Times are hard enough spending the summer days with your unemployed parents at home yelling out numbers at the TV while watching The Price Is Right in pajamas. Money doesn’t grow on trees; someone needs to bring home the bacon.

However, after hearing the news of the theft, an anonymous donor gave the children $20 as a repayment. That’s a 6 dollar bonus and a Taco Bell lunch! So you see? When life hands you a lemon; make lemonade.

Big Poppa's On Twitter

Big Poppa's On Twitter
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 30, 2011)

SMH, the Pope is now on Twitter. Under the name “BigPoppa”. Pope Benedict XVI made his first tweet on Tuesday promoting the Vatican’s new website, blessing his followers, and proving that age ain’t nothing but a number. At 84, dressed in a white robe with a Lady Gaga inspired hat, Benny is still down with the young, trendy, and hip kids, reporting on Twitter from his baptized iPad and showing the globe that religion rocks. Mama Mary didn’t raise no fool.

The Holy Father joined the social network to better connect with Catholics worldwide, spread the word of God to the masses, and tweet pictures of The Vatican’s daily Eucharist, posting, “Nom nom nom! The body and blood of Christ! Yum!”

In this digital age, everything’s now on your computer screen, from PerezHilton’s celebrity news, to talking fruit on YouTube, to the Sunday sermons of priests, bishops, and cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church. You’ll never have to race to Confession again after a wild night of drinking 2 for 1 shots, stealing a box of Fig Newtons from grandma, and hooking up with Danny Bonaduce, since the sacred guilt box is now at your fingertips. Plus, those who retweet any of BigPoppa’s biblical posts will get their Twitter page splashed with virtual holy water.

To better fit in with the times, the crucifix will soon have Jesus hanging from the cross wearing thick framed glasses, with a laptop in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other. The modern martyr.

It hasn’t even been a week and Big P already has over 30,000 followers. That’s one popular holy man. Won’t you follow Him…on Twitter?

RT @HotBunsNun: Praise Jesus! @BigPoppa is here and ready to fight against evil @Satan sister @SineadOConnor

Eden's Crush

Eden’s Crush
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 25, 2011)

Realizing that it’s better to burnout than fade away, 6 year-old Eden Wood from Toddlers & Tiaras is welcoming a move to Florida and heading for retirement, bingo marker in hand. After 2 years in the pageant world, the 3-foot tall diva dressed in sequins, feathers, and a Muppet-skinned fur coat is calling it quits.

Although, officially resigning from beauty competitions, Eden is not saying goodbye to the stage, cameras, and The South Beach Diet just yet. The bite-sized primadonna is now on tour to promote her new singing career, performing nationwide at Build-A-Bear grand openings, along with a Jonas Brothers’ cover band, and The Wiggles.

If everything goes as planned, Disney will come running and little Eden will be cursing out the paparazzi and seen club hopping on TMZ in no time. Cha-ching! However, Eden’s rise to fame isn’t going to get in the way of a normal childhood since success at an early age never messed anyone up. Right, Leif?

Already the star of TLC’s reality show and author of her own book, Eden has her mom to thank for entering her in the pageant profession filled with crowns, sashes, trophies, and mascara running tears. It’s important for young girls to understand early on; it’s what’s on the outside that counts. True beauty comes from layers of makeup, spray-on tans, wigs, false teeth, and 10 pounds of glitter. Then, maybe one day you too will get your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, right next to the late and great Gary Coleman.

What The Cluck?

What The Cluck?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 21, 2011)

In helping fight the diabetic epidemic that’s stuffing-the-face of Americans across the nation, a KFC in Utah is donating $1 to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation for every Mega Jug sold at the fast-food joint. A fancy name for a half gallon of Pepsi, the Mega Jug contains 50 spoons of sugar, 800 calories and countless BBW dreams. For only $2.99, it’s a Biggest Loser application in a cup.

Oh, the savory twist of yummy tummy irony. A disease caused by high levels of blood sugar, diabetes is brought on by poor eating habits, lack of exercise, and watching Avatar. KFC’s famous secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices of artery-clogging goodness, is the last place next to the smoking sections at Disney World to condone healthy living.

However, not everything on the KFC menu will send Jillian Michaels breathing fire and flapping her wings in an angry food tossing rampage. If you’re watching your weight and concerned about your fully-clothed beach bod, order the coleslaw. Underneath the gallon of mayonnaise and cups of whole milk, there are vegetables there…somewhere.

Diabetes may make you go blind, lose your feet, and have you stabbing your finger daily to check blood sugar levels but the KFC Big Box Meal dinner of 2 drumsticks, popcorn chicken, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, home-styled biscuits, topped with a 64oz Mega Jug’s mega sweetness, was so worth it.

Now that’s finger licking good

The Bunny That Got Away

The Bunny That Got Away
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 17, 2011)

It’s the heartbreak hotel filled with half-naked, freshly waxed, squeezed, and eager-to-please girls at the Playboy Mansion after the King Playboy himself, Hugh Hefner, was dumped by his gold-digging and silicone-styling 25 year-old fiancée, Crystal Harris, just days before the couple’s planned nuptials this weekend.

With the bride’s change of heart and feelings towards cleaning her husband’s bedpan on a daily basis, the wedding is now off. However, there’s no telling if Hef kept all the receipts for the grand ceremony. Everything has already been paid for, from the pink frou-frou Romona Kevez wedding gown to the lavish 5 tier cake, to Crystal’s new 32DDs.

The catastrophic split also caused the television special, Marrying Hef, on Lifetime - a network where Hef’s peers and former girlfriends from the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s could tune in to watch before putting away their teeth prior to bed- to be cancelled.

Seems the $1,000 weekly allowance Crystal received for her hard day’s work of doing absolutely nothing, spent on Jimmy Choo’s, Milano handbags and personalized diamond rings for her cat, just wasn’t enough for the runaway bride.

It’s also rumored Crystal has allegedly been hopping into the arms, bed, and groin of another, younger and wrinkle-free man, Dr. Phil’s son, Jordan McGraw. When asked for comment, Dr. Phil stated, “That’s my son, y’all! This will be great for my show!”

Alas, Crystal Harris proves to be another dumb blonde, obviously failing out of Gold Digging 101 before her run with Hef, the ultimate Splenda Grandpappy there is. Crystal only needed to stick it out a few years as Mrs. Hefner, reminding her hubby to take his daily pills of Centrum Silver, Citracal, and Viagra and before long would be shooting a nudie Forbes cover, wrapped in cash, after collecting millions and millions in life insurance payments.

Heartbroken and distressed, Hugh is now said to be hooking up with Betty White on the rebound and spending hours alone in his room with his Miracle Ear on, listening to Taylor Swift albums, choking back tears, and proclaiming, “That’s so true, Taylor! That’s so true!”

Hef first spotted the Playmate back in 2009 putting the “tramp” in trampoline, bouncing on the infamous Playboy springs topless. It was love at first, second, and third base. However, just because the silver fox is (much) older does not mean he’s wiser. Making the devastating mistake of giving monogamy a go, Hef proposed to Crystal on Christmas last year beside the fire, sipping eggnog, enjoying some stocking-shaped sugar cookies, and a Happy Holidays Hand Job.

Now Kody Brown from Sister Wives can tell you, one-on-one relationships never work. Dude’s gotta have his backups. Sadly though, at 85, Hef seems to be suffering from severe memory loss and rational thinking, forgetting all about the fantasy life he once had and all the boobies that kept him warm at night.

Ultimately, Crystal believes a marriage to a multi-millionaire will hurt the image of her so-called music career. With her new single, “An Amazing Publicity Stunt That’s Sure To Get Me Famous!” to hit the airwaves on Monday, look out for her new reality show, “Keeping Up With The Cash” that’s in the works and planned to air on E! this fall.

Your Cat Is Cooler Than You

Your Cat Is Cooler Than You
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 6, 2011)

Your cat is cooler than you -and it has nothing to do with the Michael Bolton greatest hits CD you play in the car every day. Thanks to Friskies, little Whiskers now shops at Urban Outfitters, listens to Belle & Sebastian on vinyl and combs a faux hawk between his ears during his morning tongue bath, since the cat food brand has just released a new iPad app exclusively for felines.

After clawing up the furniture, sparking ground shaking sneeze attacks, and smothering babies in their sleep, cats can now scratch up the $700 screen of the iPad you saved weeks of Subway paychecks to get. With games like “Cat Fishing”, “Tasty Treasure Hunt” and “This Is So Much Cooler Than A Ball Of Yarn”, the hot expensive toy even has Mr. Bigglesworth’s celebrity endorsement.

However, not everyone is happy with the new hipster cat craze. Outraged and jealous, dogs everywhere are demanding “Duck Hunt”, “Chewy Shoe-y”, and “Mailman Madness” iPad game apps to be made and sold. Pet stores now must go high-tech with their supplies because those litter boxes that amazingly clean themselves are so last year.

The Aristocats were right, everybody does want to be a cat.

Hop On Pop

Hop On Pop
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (May 4, 2011)

A father-daughter duo who were out spending a lovely day together last weekend, turned into spending a nasty night in jail. After catching the flick, “Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never”, hitting The Sizzler for the early bird special, and spending some quality time on a shady corner in downtown Tampa searching for a lady love doped up on Meth, in leather thigh-high boots for Pops. The pair ended up in the back of a police cruiser in handcuffs --not the way the father had intended.

Daddy’s little girl, Pia Kirchberg, was only trying to grant her 80 year-old father, Maurice Kirchberg’s last dying wish of a paid sexcapade. However, making the Love Connection was tough. With Maurice looking nothing like Richard Gere and Pia only carrying a $20 in her knockoff Coach purse, prostitute prospects were slim. Sadly, there are no senior discounts out on the streets.

Prices that low can either lead to the hoe’s pimp dangling the crinkly 20 dollar bill at clock out and asking, “Wha-what’s this? Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?” or having the on sale hooker actually be an undercover cop. Unfortunately, it was the latter of the two, and the officer flashed her badge at Maurice instead of her boobies, while Pia pleasantly waited outside, playing solitaire on her phone.

There is no crime here. Maurice was only living by example. At his age, he only has Hugh Heffner or Regis Philbin to look up to. Old dudes nowadays are under a lot of peer pressure. It’s hard enough catching Jimmy Johnson’s Extenze commercials while watching Jeopardy before heading off to bed. As for Pia, you can’t arrest a girl for listening to her parents. Since when is that illegal?

What a waste of 20 bucks! Plus the bail fees! That kind of money could have been used on a Medline Walker Basket, bottles of Metamucil or a McDonald’s Dollar Menu feast. Whatever happened to “Free Love” in the ‘60s? Times sure are a’changin’.

A Royal Flush

A Royal Flush
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 28, 2011)

A guest has just been crossed off the list to the biggest event across the pond and on the TV sets all over the world. Cameron Reilly, a Scots Guardsman set to work during the royal wedding of Prince William & Kate Middleton, was fired earlier this week after bashing the bride and future princess on his Facebook calling her nasty names such as “Stuck Up Cow” and “Posh Bitch“, making Victoria Beckham answer, “Yes, Mel B?”

It seems the polite wave Kate gave the stone-faced chap outside Will’s residence last Friday night wasn’t enough of a friendly greeting. Still furious about never once being invited inside Buckingham Palace for tea and crumpets with the Queen after a hard day of standing in his fluffy bearskin hat, Reilly took to his Facebook to vent out his frustration.

Forgetting he’s not Kanye West and that he worked for the British monarchy where freedom of speech and Kate Middleton and Taylor Swift slurs don’t exist, Reilly’s crude comments ultimately cost him his job, a whole lotta money, and a 2 second spot on “Fashion Police Royal Wedding” getting heckled by Joan Rivers.

The night his remarks surfaced, Reilly was spotted by Prince Harry who was having a pint at the pub with his military mates. The fiery red head known as Britain’s Crowned Bad Boy went up to the jukebox, put on Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”, approached Reilly and asked, “Pardon me lad, but aren’t you that bloke talking rubbish about my brother’s girl?”

The prince cracked his knuckles and continued, “How would you like to be my new whipping boy?” Suddenly Harry and his buddies tackled and started a brawl with Reilly, who was left with 1 black eye, 5 missing teeth and 2 badly swollen testicles.

However, it’s hard to take the guardsman’s insults seriously as most of Reilly’s Facebook comments are filled with spelling errors and completely unintelligible. Seems the anti-royal rebel flunked out of his first year in primary school or no habla ingles as he continually refers to Kate as “hur”.

Luckily, finding a replacement at the last minute wasn’t much of hassle, as Simon Cowell will proudly take Reilly’s place. Jolly good!

Saved By The Dog

Saved By The Dog
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 19, 2011)

An angel disguised as a talking gorilla dressed in a black leather vest, sunglasses, studded bicep bracelet and a long golden power mullet, came down from Biker Heaven and saved the once famous Nicholas Cage by posting his bail last weekend after getting arrested for domestic violence, public intoxication and 2007‘s Ghost Rider.

After an 8 hour lock-up sharing a toilet with Mel Gibson’s former cellmate, Nic used his one phone call to contact his TBH BFF, Duane “Dog” Chapman, to rescue him. Immediately putting his 4-man chase of The Hamburglar surrounding a Denver McDonald’s to a halt, Dog rushed to be at his friend’s side with $11,000, a camera crew and a bottle of L’Oreal’s Sublime Bronze.

Now if there’s anything the A&E macho believes in its hairspray, and the legalization of washed-up movie stars smacking around their wives while liquored-up on Zima out on the streets of New Orleans. What were those Louisiana police trying to pull? It wasn’t like the crime was anything serious; the NOPD acted as if this were a local Dunkin Donuts heist.

Dog and Nic first met a few years back at a Hair Club For Men in LA, where Dog held a seminar giving baldies tips and secrets behind his mighty mane. The pair have been buds ever since, spending time together shopping for motorcycles, going to Elvis conventions, and enjoying romantic candlelit dinners at Outback Steakhouse.

Unfortunately Nic Cage has recently filed bankruptcy. Seems like the box-office crap the actor released in the last 10 years has been a bad investment. The Academy Award Winner even pawned off his Oscar for some extra cash to pay for the Big Mouth Billy Bass in his living room

It’s still nice to know Nic’s got a friend in high places. City of Angels 2: Back With Avenges.

Boozing Juvies Go Goo Goo

Boozing Juvies Go Goo Goo
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 14, 2011)

A waitress in a Detroit Applebee’s is about to lose her job and face a hefty fine for serving a minor alcohol without properly checking for ID first. Looking past the customer’s high-chair, binky, and “iPood” bib, the server poured a (non-virgin) margarita into the sippy cup of a 15 month old baby.

The parents of the toddler were unaware of their son’s underage drinking at the family friendly turned pub for tots restaurant till the child began acting strangely, making passes at fat chicks, stripping down to his diaper, and ultimately passing out in front of his untouched plate of Macaroni & Cheese, to later wake up with “BALLS” written on his forehead.

Concerned about her child’s erratic behavior, the mother took her youngin’ to the hospital where it was found the amateur-alkie had a .10 blood alcohol rating. Luckily the doctors caught this before the tyke got behind the wheel, putting grasshoppers and squirrels on the road in danger, and eventually getting charged with a TUI: Tricycling Under The Influence.

Turns out earlier that evening, when the Applebee’s waitress took the boy’s drink order, “apple juice” was misraken for “happy juice” and an alcoholic beverage was served to the little one instead. An awful slip-up or a helpful fix? We all know the pressures on babies these days, from the stresses of potty training to the hassles of the alphabet to The Wiggles tour not stopping at your town, sometimes you need a little something to take the edge off.

Although the Patron Prince was nowhere near 21, take it from R.Kelly, age ain’t nothing but a number. This is America. Children elsewhere all over the globe are breaking their back working in sweatshops, factories, and Cambodia Cinnabons. Not allowing a kid from the good ol’ USA to have a beer after a tough day of counting to ten, finger painting, and watching Sesame Street is just preposterous. Why must these ridiculous drinking laws crush the American Dream?

We salute you Applebee’s: Where A Kid Can Be A Drunk

Ditch The Rosary, Grab A Pole

Ditch The Rosary, Grab A Pole
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 24, 2011)

Tired of praying for the winning lottery ticket, to lose 50 pounds off a diet of pizza and ice cream, or for Johnny Depp to fall madly in love with you, only to be ignored? Fortunately, there is a more direct way in getting your prayers answered and it doesn’t include any goody-goody deeds to get His attention. Pole Dancing For Jesus, the latest trend coming from Texas, is a workout class taught by fitness instructor/former stripper Crystal Deans, that teaches church-going women how to spin around, slither down and work a pole, for who else but Jesus Christ.

Dressed in their Sunday best, hot pants, a tank and six-inch heels, these ladies are schooled to grind, lap dance and successfully grab cash off the floor using their butt cheeks, all in God’s good name. Strutting their stuff to funky Christian music; your body is a temple so show us what you got. It’s time to spread your legs wide and open yourself up to the Lord.

Classes for Pole Dancing For Jesus are held on the Sabbath day of each week and you must provide your church program to get in the exclusive religious course. Let’s face it, church is boring with everyone in those big robes that are so unflattering to your figure. Time to spice the worship up! Step Into the light of the lord with light up pumps.

Have the man upstairs saying, “Bless you, child” while making the man you’re married to scream out, “Hallelujah!” with these new sexy moves. However, practice makes perfect, so it’s best to get your own personal pole to keep next to your rosary, Bible and Strip Aerobics DVD.

Also, no saggies or flatties, get a boob job and lift them up to the Lord

Living In Luxury: Doing It Doggy Style

Living In Luxury: Doing It Doggy Style
By Chloe Dinnerrollu (Marcn 20, 2011)

It’s a dog’s life, and for Mariah Carey’s JJ, Dolomite, Jackie, and Cha-Cha, it’s a fabulous one. The pop superstar may be known for her angelic singing voice, but she is famous for her prima-donna antics. Diva Supreme Mariah demands a throne to sit on during album signings, her own custom toilet paper when traveling, and hired an assistant just to hold her drinks. Why should her pups be treated any different?

Yes, it’s The Real House Dogs of Beverly Hills. These prized pooches enjoy their daily manicures, massages and rawhide-aroma bubble baths and cruising around in limos or their own private jet to be with mommy wherever she may be. These high-class canines play fetch with diamond encrusted tennis balls, sleep on king sized beds topped with Egyptian-cotton sheets, and are surrounded by an entourage that caters their every need including a personal doggy-treat chef, 3 butt-scratchers and 2 well-paid legs to hump.

Now with Mariah 8 months pregnant with twins, the chart topper worries her Fab Four doggies may become jealous and resentful with the babies’ soon arrival. Realizing this serious business needs to be handled by someone certified in dealing with these issues, Mariah did what any responsible pet owner would do; send her dogs to therapy.

At their first meeting, therapist to the pet stars, Dr. Pawthorne -who regularly sees Tinkerbell Hilton and Sophie Cyrus- asked JJ, Dolomite, Jackie, and Cha-Cha to vent their concerns and frustrations towards the upcoming babies. The four swiftly replied, “Ruff!”, then went back to sniffing their assistant’s crotch. At the end of the appointment, the dogs were asked to use a new daily mantra and repeat, “A baby’s head is not a chew toy” everyday as homework.

However, during the second session with the Careys, Dr. Pawthorne found out the expected twins weren’t the real reason these dogs were in therapy. As Cha-Cha confessed after being bribed with Beggin’ Strips, the four accidentally caught the movie, Glitter while on a flight to London and have been distraught ever since. “It’s just so hard to see your master, someone you hold in such high regard, perform so poorly” said Cha-Cha with a sorrow howl.

Though there’s still hope for the four-legged royals. Just like audiences around the globe have, with work, the pups can overcome this traumatic experience and return to their lavish lifestyle in peace. Livin’ it better than you, me, and Bo Obama pooping on the White House lawn.

Touchdown Dolphins!

Touchdown Dolphins!
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 14, 2011)

The Miami Dolphins have been a joke of the NFL for years and no one’s more upset than the actual dolphins of South Florida for the bad name the team has given them. The dolphins have had enough of the negative reputation Ricky Williams and Brandon Marshall give and are striking back.

On Sunday afternoon a boat tour cruised around Marco River, while underwater a dolphin pod overheard a group of people talking about football. A woman proclaimed, “Yeah, the dolphins suck!” Fuming with anger, one dolphin jumped onto the boat and fiercely tackled the woman. With his voice in high-pitched evil laughter he shouted, “Don’t you be talking about dolphins like that, beyotch! We’ll cut you! We’ll cut you!”

It took officers from the Isles of Capri Fire Department, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission and the Collier County Sheriff's Office to get the sea beast back into the water. The injured woman remains unidentified but suffers from a sprained ankle, and will forever be known as “That Lady Who Got Pwned By A Dolphin”

Don’t let the losers on Monday Night Football in teal and orange fool you, dolphins can be tough. Why should sharks get all the credit as the bad boys of the ocean? An adult dolphin weighs 600 pounds and can smack you around with its brutal tail, leaving you bloody with broken bones.. Each player of the Miami Dolphins wears up to 15 pounds in gear; a real Dolphins wear none. A helmet, pads and a cup aren’t needed. Dolphins have been trying to lose their goody-good image for years. The dingo didn’t eat your baby Meryl, the dolphin did.

Unfortunately, dolphins have always had The Brady Bunch stereotype, like Flipper, or the lucky bottlenosed-dudes of Sea World, living the luxurious life, constantly getting their picture snapped, living in crisp clean tanks and eating all the fresh fish they want. All the while the wild ones get no respect. Dolphins are tired of being the laughing stock of the animal kingdom because of Miami.

It’s time for a change. Take this as a warning.


Source

Polygamy TV

Polygamy TV
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 10, 2011)

Like Tommy Lee discovering a crabs colony inside his shorts every week, they’re baaack! A family that easily puts the Kardashians arguing over who had the last jelly donut to shame, Sister Wives has returned for a second season on TLC starting this Sunday.

Yes, the reality-show documenting a polygamist relationship(s) revolving around one man with 4 wives and 13 children is again out to prove that sharing is caring, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, “Winning”.

Sister Wives’ Brown family is of the Mormon faith living in Lehi, Utah, far from the hustle and bustle of crazy monogamous city life. As the Spice Girls once said, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends” and in Mormon translation “friends” means “wives”. Two-timing, three-timing, four-timing, or more, is a religious practice such as going to church, prayer, and shoplifting the pootie for Jesus. In the eyes of God, marriage is all about love, commitment and nightly video-taped threesomes.

Just as it is seen and taught on the show, whether you have a face for Vogue or Fug Weekly, polygamy doesn’t discriminate. No matter what your reflection shows or the things people at Wal-Mart’s check-out say, every chap holds equal rights to the glory of PlayersVille. With 18 people crammed inside the Brown home, it certainly is a full house. Yet, mac daddy, Kody Brown looks nothing like Full House star and heartthrob, John Stamos, and instead resembles the chubby goofy other dude, Uncle Joey, who traded in his mullet for layers and 4 sets of boobies.

If you’re worried about the kids of Sister Wives, don’t be. There are 13 of them, so they’ll never get lonely. It’s not like they’re starved for their father and biological mother’s attention. Daddy cannot be bothered; he has new tail to chase and mommy already has enough on her plate bringing up 6 children that aren’t hers.

Let’s get real. A marriage between a man and one woman never works out, just look at mom and dad, Jon and Kate Gosselin, or the tragic split of Hulk and Linda Hogan. A smart man needs his back-ups; collecting insurance at the chapel is a brilliant Idea, right next to the invention of the ShamWow.

Single ladies! How many times have you been left disappointed after meeting Mr. Perfect at the 7-Elevan Slurpee station, only to spot a wedding band on his finger while holding up his Big Gulp? Total bummer. Luckily, Kody Brown and plenty of other married men in Utah are signed onto Match.com and looking for (another) special someone since silly things like fidelity never matters in a relationship. You’ll be living every little girl’s dream as “Wife #5”, cooking 20 servings of pot roast, raising an army of children and cleaning toilets in no time.

TLC stands for “The Learning Channel”, so learn something.

Inmate Lohan Returns (Pre-Production)

Inmate Lohan Returns (Pre-Production)
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb. 4, 2011)

Looks like Lindsay Lohan may need to file as permanent resident to Cell Block C for this year's taxes. After only 6 months since her last release, Lindsay may be heading back to The Slammer On Rodeo and it's not for the catfight that exploded with a Betty Ford staffer in December over a cup of pee.

The once actress turned spinning cyclone of disaster, allegedly did a Winona Ryder and stole a gold necklace worth $2,500. If charged with the, what David Copperfield calls "amateur", disappearing act, Lindsay is in violation of her parole which accounts as a one-way luxury-class ticket back to a cold, dark, VIP jail cell.

Regardless, it will still be nice to see old friends again, like Lindsay's BBF (Behind Bars Friend) Joy, sentenced to life for murder, and the rest of the gang. Nothing wrong with wearing an orange jumpsuit all the time; it saves a bundle on dry-cleaning. It's also not like Lindsay's bothered by handcuffs. She has her own pair kept in her bedroom nightstand that are used frequently. Prison is a ca/oke walk.

Unfortunately, Lindsay's acting career was put to an end before the age of 21. After going nude in the crapper-thriller I Know Who Killed Me back in 2007, Lindsay broke the first rule of the game. Didn't she ever read, Men Are From Mars? Her male fans quickly became bored. ("Yawn. Already saw 'em.") It's not like her talent lies elsewhere and soon the audience lost interest, leaving other ways for Lindsay to make the covers of magazines again.

The daughter Mickey Rourke never had and a chick Charlie Sheen never banged, Lindsay wears the label of "Hollywood's Bad Girl" like a Dior last season slightly-stained cocktail dress. Lindsay does what it takes to stay in the limelight, even if that calls for 8 glasses of vodka, a few swipes of cocaine and the bad dancing in the music video for Rumors. (Better leave that to Beyonce, baby girl) With each arrest is another new career move that gets everyone talking, from Ryan Seacrest to Dr. Drew to Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser.

Like most child stars, the parents hold part of the blame for Lilo's reckless and Amy Winehouse-inspired behavior. Her father feeds his own Z-list fame selling out his daughter's failures, her mother makes excuses to the media for Lindsay's actions in hopes of getting a gig with Oprah and Girl Scouts just discontinued her favorite bingeing food, Thank You Berry Much cookies; it's no wonder she drinks. With a home life like that, I would be begging to be locked up too. Not everyone from Disney has a Cinderella ending, so listen up Selena Gomez!

Although, it now seems Lindsay Lohan may never win Oscar gold, don't feel like her work in Herbie Fully Loaded has been snubbed just yet, Linds already snuck and took a statue home with her a few years ago after a party in Meryl Steep's house.

Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got; she's still Lindsay from the block - Cell Block C!

Kim Kardashian Kares

Kim Kardashian Kares
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 26, 2011)

It's pretty simple becoming a new MTV Teen Queen these days. There's no need for singing, dancing or Justin Bieber shoelace-tying abilities. All you gotta do is pop out a baby before the age of 17 and you bagged yourself your own hot show and a glamorous new career

Any girl can do it. MTV will come running. You'll get a camera crew following you around in no time and your face on the covers of all the hip magazines like "Us", "People", and "Martha Stewart Living" in only 9 months! Sure beats English Lit. Michelle Duggar of 19 Kids And Counting can tell you, condoms are a waste of money, especially when you're working part-time at Dairy Queen to save up for a sparkly strapless, purple chiffon, maternity prom dress all girls envy.

But the dream of teenaged mother celebrities came crumbling down when Kim Kardashian, socialite, model, and mother of zero, took to her blog this week upset over the fact that 90 female students in a Memphis high school were either pregnant or have given birth. Like a voice of reason with a big round apple bottom, she blamed MTV and its popular show Teen Mom (A reality series that stars, nonetheless, teen moms) for its poor role models and the "Slut It Up" message it sends young girls.

Not allowing Kim to hog the spotlight, the girls of Teen Mom quickly shot back. Amber Portwood claimed the show sent a positive message to today’s youth and then went back to smacking around her ex-boyfriend in front of her child, making sure the cameras were around to catch her next arrest. What ratings! Another cast member, Farrah Abraham, even slammed Kim Kardashian for poising in Playboy, her sex tape and all the things that are so 2007 and did when she was old enough to vote, drink, and see rated R movies.

However, teen girls purposely getting pregnant to land a job is a slippery slope that can land you a plush seat in MTV offices or an unwanted chair next to Maury. Girls need to be careful. Unfortunately MTV has lost 95% credibility once the network started airing Jersey Shore. (Who needs music on a channel named Music TV, anyway?)

Although teen pregnancy seems like the trend nowadays doesn’t make it a good idea, just look at jeggings, Crocs, and the Snuggie. Kim Kardashian got two reality shows without a baby and both shows even got her name in the title. There are plenty of women on television who didn’t need to use pregnancy to get a TV deal, just look at rerspects such as Oprah, Barbara Walters and Judge Judy.