LeBron Slam Dunks Donuts In China

LeBron Slam Dunks Donuts In China
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 8, 2012)

Taking advice from the fortune cookie message that read, “Wise is the man who dribbles in courts of glaze”, NBA superstar, LeBron James has signed on to be China’s newest spokesperson for Dunkin’ Donuts. Finally scoring a Championship Ring made up of fried dough and rainbow sprinkles, the basketball MVP is set for his journey to the faraway land with gallons of Gatorade and Air Bud on DVD.

However, to fit with local tastes, Dunkin Donuts in China will offer a new item to its menu of yummy goodies: the pork donut. A savory sweet, not even donut enthusiast, Homer Simpson would feast on, LeBron is not afraid to take on the challenge. After defeating The Bulls in last season’s Playoffs, eating a pork donut or two isn’t that difficult, even without a home court advantage.

America runs on Dunkins’, but with James’s help, not for long. Within the next year, TV commercials in China will feature the basketball star waking up at dawn, trading in his iconic sweatband for a paper hat, and uttering, “Time to make the donuts” in Cantonese. Photo ads plastered all over Shanghai will have a smiling LeBron, holding up a Dunkin’ Donuts cup beneath the slogan, “When playing for the Heat, sometimes you need a Coolatta”. Also, the athlete will make store appearances handing out autographed boxes of donuts to fans.

Unlike Americans, the Chinese do not suffer from Linsanity, yet 75% of the country is clinically James Insane. With a black belt in awesome, the newfound King Kandy is making the people of China dump their dumplings for a dozen Chocolate Kremes as fast as you can say, “Lin Who?"

Helping make obesity a worldwide epidemic, James sets sail across the globe to promote junk food’s finest treats, collect his million dollar check, and hook up with plenty of Asian babes before getting hitched to fiancé, Savannah Brinson back home. Miami Heat fans also need not worry. LeBron’s voyage is not set till the end of this season. An NBA Championship is still within grasp, as well as that half eaten jelly donut in your left hand. It’s a win-win for all.

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