Saturday, January 19, 2008

The Butthole Surfers Will Stop at Nothing

The Butthole Surfers Will Stop at Nothing
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 19, 2008)


Ah, the butthole; an often overlooked part of the human body. Its role plays such a great deal of importance, it's right up there with the heart, brain, and the big toe. If anyone were unlucky enough to ever encounter a serious butthole malfunction, things could get critical, and possibly even deadly.

Daily wipes ain't enough. People just aren't aware of how high maintenance the butthole actually is. It demands diamonds and pearls and trips to St. Topaz. Your asshole is a temple and it deserves to be kept in tip-top shape! You owe it to yourself and you owe it to It to get that thing checked out as often as possible.

But surely, there are roadblocks. The passageway is almost impossible to really get into on your own. You can ask it all you want, "Is everything going okay in there?" but the butthole is rather unresponsive -- verbally, at least. So how can you really make sure? Fortunately, there are doctors out there who are happy to lend you a hand.

Regrettably, such valuable information was never passed on to Brian Persaud, who is now suing a New York hospital after receiving a rectal exam he didn't ask for. On job as a construction worker, Persaud was rushed to the Emergency Room after being struck by a fallen beam. (Where was his hardhat?) He was given a couple of stitches and thorough medical procedure, a finger up the butt.

The poor man was completely oblivious to the favor that was taking place. He was getting a 2 for 1 deal! It's like coming home from a Burger King Drive-Thru and discovering an extra bag of fries with your order. So really, it's a steal!

You would think the blow to the head would've knocked some sense into the fellow, but such isn't the case. A serious hospital matter or not, Brian Persaud let it be known that his ass was completely off-limits! In desperate attempt to shield his butthole from invaders, things got violent and the patient ended up hitting one of the doctors. Eventually, he was sedated and given the examination without a fight.

But why go to such great lengths to avoid something that was inevitable? Why go as far as to physically assault someone who wears a white coat on a daily basis? You know those guys don't work out.

It is possible that he had missed his last ass wax/anal bleach appointment the week before, and was embarrassed by the stubble and discoloration. I mean, there were probably ladies present. What kind of first impression would that bring?

And of course, there is the fear of the official word getting out. Nothing worse than your construction worker buddies' constant heckling.

In the morning on site, someone making coffee asks, "So how do you take it?"
And before Brian gets a chance to answer "2 sugars, please”, a coworker chimes in, "Oh, he likes to take it up the butt."

And if that's the reason, then he brought all of it upon himself. Obviously, going to the Supreme Court with your rectal exam case isn't a smart way to keep people -and most of America- from finding out that yes, you are no stranger to having the door opened to your rear entrance. (But hey, who's to judge? Some people dig it, and others don't.)

By the way,
Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?



Source
**Thanks to Nigel, the biggest Assman there is, for sharing this article for me.

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Sunday, January 13, 2008

Finding Your Husband in the Womb

Finding Your Husband in the Womb

by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 13, 2008)

The Brits are onto something rather brilliant, and it's not just Hugh Grant's film career. People everywhere spend so much time and money searching for that special someone to love, only to be left discouraged and lonesome. Where is Mr. Right? You need not look far.

As the English have found out, when it comes to finding a mate, there's an easier way -- an ancient way, almost. (It may not be something Jesus would do, but Noah would definitely encouraged it) For it has been discovered in London, twins separated at birth have gotten married, on “accident”.

There was something real about him, hmm? You always felt you both came from the same place. Well, now that proves to be true, literally.

Identities and further information on the twins are being withheld until the producers of All My Children (that's a pun,kids.) dish out enough money for the rights, but I think it's safe to say the new-found brother and sister are a fraternal pair. If not, not only would they have been overlooking the obvious, but they would also have to be the most self-involved couple on the planet. "You are beautiful!" "No, YOU are beautiful."

The story on how they came to be is probably something along the lines of, "I was looking across the room, to what I thought was my reflection in the mirror, but low and behold, it was my future husband."
Her spouse would add, "My initial attraction was that she was just like me, but with great breasts."

However, leave it to the British courts to hand the happy couple over with an annulment, as to say a marriage to a blood-relative is not legit. Their brother-sister bond is a bit of an extreme, but what is the big deal? It is love regardless, which means it's 2 Legit 2 Quit.

Now their marriage has become another statistic; a sacred union shattered over some shared DNA. But who knows, maybe they’ll be lucky enough to find their biological parents on Match.com.

If anything, the two can always move to Alabama, USA, where their relationship will be welcomed with open arms and six-pack of beer.


Source

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Sunday, January 6, 2008

The "Dr." is Before the "Phil" for a Reason, Y'all


There's a "Dr." Before the "Phil" for a Reason, Y'all
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 6, 2008)


Dr. Phil likes to think his first name is really "Doctor". He has taken it upon himself to send out a national press release -to respectable news outlets like "Entertainment Tonight" and "The Insider"- to state the shocking: "Britney Spears is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention."

TV's Dr. Phil, who's "been doing this for 30 years" as he says time and time again on his show, has obviously never heard of doctor-patient confidentiality. And even more surprising, has yet to turn on a TV or read a newspaper for as long as he's "been doing this".

It's not a victorious time for women; Hilary Clinton fell behind Barack Obama in the Iowa caucuses, Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto has been assassinated and Britney Spears has been hospitalized, ya'll! (In case you missed it, just tune into the next episode of COPS -- drug addict single mother holds her kids hostage during a police negotiation, ends up leaving in a stretcher...yada yada yada.)

For almost a couple of years now we've wondered, Does Britney Spears need real help? From the shot-gun marriages to the babies to the rehab stint to the weird robot-voice-alterations in her songs.

Britney's personal life, whether intentional or not, has always been on display. She leaves nothing to the imagination, either. The entire world has seen both the curtains and the carpet, or lack thereof. (Get it? She shaves both her head and cooch completely! Alright, dumb joke) But was it all just poor decision making?


Thankfully -and finally!- Dr. Phil has cleared the air. The saint even went as far as to visit Britney Spears at the hospital she was staying, only to walk out with his troubled "diagnosis", if you will. He claims a real concern over the girl, but I'm sure the real sorrow comes from security disallowing his camera crew to follow him inside. Could you imagine his ratings?

Dr. Phil's the kind of man that will call you an "ugly looking crack whore" on national television; tough love or self love? (You may not be a crack whore, Phil, but you sure are ugly) And is most likely in the works on his latest book, titled, "Dr. Phil: I Am the Voice of Reason"

But yes, although it may be hard to believe, Phillip Calvin McGraw is actually a clinical psychologist. Years ago, he earned his PhD from the University of North Texas. And universities in Texas just don't give diplomas away, do they? Lots of educated people come from the state, like... *crickets chirp*

I don't know what Dr. Phil is trying to do, but he ain't fooling me. Everybody in the entire WORLD knows the only opinion that matters is Oprah's. You down with O.Winfrey? Yeah you know me!

And Britney-
If you want drug-induced crazy attention, this is how it's done:




Learn something. (The goods dont start till 2:34)

How many times has Courtney had Frances Bean taken away from her? Woman is queen of rehab. Woman is queen, period.
(I miss Kurt Loder)



Source

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Saturday, January 5, 2008

Crowning Miss Psychopath 2008


Crowning Miss Psychopath 2008
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 3, 2008)

Kumari Fulbright, a Miss Arizona hopeful, cannot bag herself a man, You'd think being a beauty queen -and beauty being the operative word- keeping men close would be as easy as the breadpudding she puked up the night before. But nope, someone switched to whole foods. Instead, she relies on herself, along with the help of 3 others, to hold her ex-beau captive for hours, having him tied down to a chair while being beaten and threatened with weapons.

Now, the former Miss Pima County faces charges from kidnapping to robbery to aggravated assault. And if there's any justice in the system, the so-called "victim" will be charged as being a whiney bitch. It wouldn't be surprising to find that he was already a member of the S&M community to begin with. Being tied-down is a common fetish as is. Who's to say he didn't enjoy it? (Who's to say I don't enjoy it?!) Stop crying and take it like a man! -- the safety word is, "Miss USA!"

The whole dispute was over some stolen jewelry or the other, but do we honestly care? Absolutely not. Why bother learning motives when there's this glamourous
mugshot getting its face pasted all over the internets? Why, yes, Kumari, no wonder you've made your way in pagentry. It must be your striking resemblance to Sandra Bernhard after a hard night doing Jager shots at a dyke bar,

Girl needs a stylist. Judges take points off for that. Committing crimes or not, if you want that crown, you got to look good doing it. But here she is copying hairstyles from Britney Spears and making a face only a toilet would get excited about. But the real question is, why is she wearing a bedsheet as a top?

The future doesn't seem promising for Kumari. Her boyfriend wont talk to her, she's just been charged with a bunch of felonies, and she can't even afford a real shirt -- let alone, any evening wear.

However, if there's anything America loves, it's heart disease, and controversy involving beauty pagents. And if you win that crown and crave real fame; go out, get drunk, do a couple of lines, and makeout with the nearest hot chick - but you have to have somone taking pictures of it all, of course- and you will get your 15 minutes. Tara Conner, anyone?

All these girls hope to become the next Vanessa Williams, who was not only the first black MIss America, but the first to survive a nude photo scandal, only to later become a singer/actress/celebrity. Sometimes the snow comes down in June / Sometimes the sun goes around the moon -- but there will never be a next Vanessa Williams, just a bunch of Tonya Hardings. And that's what Kumari Fulbright is, another Tonya Harding without the ice skates.

Source

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Zoey Signs Up for Pregnancy 101


Zoey Signs Up For Pregnancy 101
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 18, 2007)

There is no better role model than an older sister, and when your big sis happens to be Britney Spears, you're bound for a bright and promisng future, right? Just ask 16-year-old
PREGNANT Jamie-Lynn!

Teen-queen and star of Nickelodeon's Zoey 101 , Jamie Lynn Spears, has got a bun in her barely pre-heated oven. The little one is guilty of pulling a huge jealous-little-sister tantrum; "WHy should Britney get all the attention?! What does she have that I don't have?...Babies!"

Unlike Britney, who didn't start popping them out until she was 23 and married, Jamie-Lynn outdid her big sis by 7 years and got knocked up at 16 to some unknown who doesn't even backup dance. Mama must be proud and Maury Polvich, whose career has been made by exposing teenage baby mama drama, must be ecstatic, since his message is finally reaching America.

Do you KNOW how expensive birth control is? A box of condoms is like, 12 dollars! How do you expect celebrities to have that kind of money? ANd let's not get started on The Pill, not everyone is good with the must-take-everyday routine, especially when they have an ecsatcy habit to keep up with.

If Britney was any example at all to Jamie-Lynn, at least she waited till after The Mickey Mouse Club to whore it out. Jamie-Lynn is still with Nickelodeon. Call me a 90s kid, but I don't remember Clarissa ever getting pregnant. There was never an Clarissa Explains How Babies Are Made episode - even though Sam was practically begging for it, climbing through her bedroom window all the time.

Not even later, with Sabrina The Teenage Witch was there ever a pregnancy scare; although we may never truly know since she could've easily performed an instant-abort with her magical powers. ("You do not do / Goodbye to you!" *points to stomach* ZAP!)

Sadly, it's a new generation; keeping your clothes on is out-of-style. A couple of months ago, one of the stars from Disney's High School Musical, Vanessa Whatsherlastname?, had taken amateur naked photos of herself, only to be later leaked onto the internet. Most likely taken from a friend's digital camera, they weren't even good. The quality was horrible and the posing was eh!

(NOTE: If you're a young starlet anxious to get nude and show the world how much you've grown into a "respectable" woman; WAIT FOR HUGH HEFNER'S PHONECALL! Let the professionals at Playboy magazine take care of ya. There, they can provide hairstylists, makeup artists and photographers that know about good lighting and angles to make your girlie bits look stunning! Cute, yeah? If it ain't Hugh; do not do)

Slutty and/or pregnant teenage girls remind me of high school, they shouldn't remind me of Hollywood too. (Hollywood, CA not Hollywood, FL where ironically, my high school is actually located.)

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The Tequila Has Gone Bad!

The Tequila Has Gone Bad

by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Nov. 22, 2007)

Am I the only person who thinks Tila Tequila looks like an old Vietnamese prostitute who's been working day and night for the past 25 years only to get locked out of house and left out in the sun for the past 10?

If I were to compare her to someone of substance, she'd be the long lost twin to the prunish old lady from There's Somethng About Mary (also known as the magnificent Magda!), which means Tila's tits actually look like THIS!

Male or female, straight or gay; no one would hit that. Skin cancer ain't sexy. How do people like Tila Tequila become famous in the first place? Oh yeah, MySpace. I'm just saying girlfriend, you need to wash your hair

. Shot of Metamucil with Magda

now THAT’S Must-See TV!

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Cooooorpsie Crisp!

Anthony Merino Eats Corpsie Crisp for Breakfast
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Oct. 31, 2007)

Keeping in the spirit of Halloween --

Meet
Anthony. This 24-year-old young stud desribes himself as someone who is, "laidback, easy going, and pretty cool to hang out". He plays semi-professional football and is into weight training, which shows in his (horrible camera phone) pictures. With beefy arms and chiseled abs, Anthony has a body to die for. If only the chicks would get it!

Still, Anthony goes to school and majors in engineering while holding a tech job at a hospital, which is where he found his latest fling. Unfortunately on Sunday, the two not-so-young lovers were caught in the ultimate act -- at the hospital
morgue.

Back on Anthony's MySpace profile, he admits to never having enough time to do what he wants to do. And obviously, having sex with a corpse was at the top of his list of priorities

Ultimately, Anthony's major downfall was mixing work with play. "I work hard, so I party hard--that's my motto", says the playboy. But doesn't Anthony know; you should never bring the party into the workplace. The two worlds are completely different and should be kept segregated at all times. (Unless sleeping with the boss promises a promotion, and so forth, but those tricks are mostly dominated by women. Sorry buddy)

However, Anthony's personal quote give us all hope as it states, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters to what lies within us." And what laid before you, Anthony, was a dead 92 year-old woman, and what laid within her, was YOU.



-To read the transcript of me and Jamie's theory of Aerosmith's involvement in this horrific act CLICK HERE.

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Goodbye Vicki Lynn: Candle in the Whirlwind


Goodbye Vicki Lynn: Candle in the Whirlwind
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb. 10, 2007)

As they say in real estate, it’s all about location, location, location! And who’s to say the same rule doesn’t apply when it comes to the death of a celebrity? The first time I visited New York City, I took a picture of the floor outside the Dakota Hotel. Why do I have a picture of a slab of concrete?! Of course, it’s the symbolism of it all. This is no ordinary cement, it might as well be a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And if I were ever to travel to L.A., outside the Viper Room is where I’m heading.

The deaths of John Lennon and River Phoenix were not predetermined, at least, not to them. These superstars knew how to die - and didn’t even need to kill themselves!- because it’s all about where it happens. That’s not something us normal human beings have control over. It’s called destiny, star quality, if you will. That little something that stars are born with (and apparently die with also).

Now, the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino? In Hollywood, Florida? Have you ever seen such a place? The city is the poor man’s Jersey Shore. The beaches are 50% seaweed, 25% urine, 20% HIV, and 5% lost Cuban rafters (“¡mierda, este no es Miami!”) Anna, Anna, Anna Nicole, you should’ve known better. Just a couple of miles south and you could’ve made a name for yourself somewhere classy, like The Delano on South Beach.

Dying is probably the worst career move Anna Nicole Smith has ever made. But it’s not surprising, since she’s always had trouble making good ones. How’s a corpse pumped with TrimSpa, silicone and various other chemicals going to inherit a dead husband’s millions? Why die when all this money is at stake?

From a feminist point of view, she allowed male dominance to override. Now her stepson's family is going to get what was already his and that is not girl power. Girl power does not include death --unless you’re Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf, etc. etc.. (Really though, that is HER money, back off Pierce Marshall!! Oh wait, he’s dead too.)

In the fame game, sometimes dying is an automatic win -- if you had the talent. Take Anne Frank or Kurt Cobain; these people are LEGENDS and wouldn’t be considered so if they hadn’t died when and/or how they did. But what did Anna do? As a pre-teen she didn’t write quasi-philosophical diaries while hiding out as a Jew during the Holocaust or as an adult, launch an entirely new genre of music. She was a stripper from Texas turned billionaire wife-widow/Playboy Playmate/Guess model/reality show queen/diet-pill spokesperson. The classic rags to riches story, or g-strings to goldmines , rather.

Anna Nicole Smith was the sexiest widow of the 90’s (sorry, Courtney). My God, she was beautiful. The glam squad did their best at bleaching out her trailer trash roots. She was the icon for big booby girls (the BBG’s) everywhere, whether real or paid for. She milked those tatas for all they were worth. I wish I could do that. I mean, I have a killer rack but never once used it to my advantage. I’d probably be married to a 70-something millionaire by now, living in Malibu, walking around the poolside topless all day with a gold-paper-bag over my head.

Yet the 90’s soon turned into the 2000’s and amongst the magazine covers and court dates, Anna Nicole became America’s Screw-up (again, sorry Courtney.) We even based an entire reality show about it! Do you think anyone really cared about her and Kanye West making beauuuuuuuuuutiful duets? We just loved to watch and laugh.

Americans need that special someone in the limelight to criticize; the more tragic their lives are, the better we feel. Plus it saves us money on anti-depressant medication and all those trips to the therapist’s office?, please, Americans are as lazy as they come. (Cue video of fat people walking on beach boardwalks shot from the shoulders down. “America and Obesity: the Epidemic Continues” More like, “Fatties and Fannypacks: What’s the Deal?”) Who needs Prozac when you can sit in front of your TV with a case of beer watching Tonya Harding’s E! True Hollywood Story?

Anna Nicole Smith was a real person with real emotions, chemically subsided or not. Not everyone shines light on her accomplishments. As a single mother at the age of 26, she married a man that was 89 years old! Now they were married, so some sort of sexual activity is implied - whether once or 1000 - but once is enough. If that doesn’t show strength and determination, I don’t know what could. I applaud her.

Everyone’s concern now is over her five-month old daughter, Danniellynn. As if growing up without a mother and older brother isn’t already travesty, one of her two possible-daddies shares the same name with the [former] king of all media. School is definitely going to be a drag.

“Isn’t your dad that guy that gives away boob jobs to chicks that agree to have bologna get thrown at their ass over the radio?”
“No, my dad’s an attorney. Howard K! Stern. The K is not silent, you halfwit.”

When it comes to celebrity status, Anna Nicole was far from the A-list. She was more B minus/C plus, and I’m grading on a curve. Being that she didn’t commit suicide or wasn’t murdered by an obsessed fan, her celebrity death matches her celebrity status; ehhh…

But there have been much worse in Hollywood’s past. The worst kind of celebrity is the kind that dies in a hospital of some dumb medical condition like heart disease or kidney failure. Famous people should leave those kinds of things for the average working man with the $20,000 income. So thanks Anna, for giving us something to die for, like colon cancer

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