Rolling Back Prices With Every Swing

Rolling Back Prices With Every Swing
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 31, 2011)

Let’s get ready to rumble! A Walmart greeter in Batavia, New York, got greeted herself with a punch in the face from a fist-flying customer. The elderly employee and busted up victim, Grace Suozzi, simply asked to see the shopper’s receipt at the store exit. However, Jacquetta Simmons took the request as a T.K.O. invite that landed Suozzi in the hospital with multiple facial fractures, painful swelling and a missed night at Bingo. Flawless Victory!

With Suozzi out cold on the floor, Simmons fled but was stopped in the parking lot by Walmart workers, shoppers, and spectators who had placed bets on the brawl. It was discovered her receipt showed her purchases of the Road House DVD, smiley face socks and bundles of bananas were paid for. No theft of any kind. Yet Simmons remains silent on why she went Rocky Balboa on Suozzi, because the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The 70 year-old retiree started working at Walmart a few months ago to save up enough money to pay for vaginal rejuvenation surgery that wasn’t covered by Medicare. (The sugar walls are sagging; it’s time for a lift.) Yet it appears her friends at the senior center were right. Suozzi was better off taking a job as a school crossing guard, trading in her blue vest uniform for a neon one and a broken nose for a STOP! sign.

The location where the granny beat down took place is not surprising, though. Better known as a popular hangout for the bored, weird, and fashionably handicapped, Walmart lures in the most bizarre. Why not turn the store into a boxing ring? Out of stock on Charmin toilet paper and the gloves are off!

“Welcome to Walmart! How may I help you?” – now them be fightin’ words.


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