America's Got Howard

America’s Got Howard
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 17, 2011)

TV’s hit, “America’s Got Talent” just got a touch of the royal treatment after The King of All Media, Howard Stern, signed on as the program’s newest judge, filling in for Piers Morgan with fart jokes, F-bombs, and boob job giveaways for bikini-stuffing-impaired contestants. The shock jock starts this summer, sitting next to Sharon Osbourne and Howie Mandel, critiquing hopefuls in the competition’s most entertaining, compelling, and STD-ridden season yet!

With Stern on board, auditions will begin showcasing new and different performances for viewers across the country to enjoy. Including mesmerizing motorboat acts, booty scrubbing stunts and amazing women shooting ping pong balls out of their vagina from the “America’s Got Talent” stage into your living room. Strippers, here’s your chance! Turn that $10 in your G-string into millions. Ready. Aim. Fire.

Let’s be honest. Singing Lionel Richie tunes and dancing the Macarena in a neon leotard can only take you so far, but having the special gift of catching bologna slices with your ass cheeks is a true, undeniable talent that is sure to get Howard’s vote and a one-way ticket to Hollywood. Star quality like that can’t easily be made.

Although the lineup will definitely bring in ratings with the unbathed, single and sex-deprived male audience, not everyone is happy with Howard’s move to primetime. Leave it to the bored mothers on the Parents Television Council to make an uproar against NBC’s choice in their latest recruit. PTC members have threaten to boycott the family friendly show, calling Stern a despicable candidate, crushing every little girls’ dream chance of ever landing a spread in Playboy magazine and winning an AVN award with Howard’s help in the process.

Nevertheless, Howard Stern is a major pop culture icon in America. The radio host is the Barbara Walters of dirty-talking journalism that has interviewed A-list celebrities, public figures and 1-toothed trannies for over 25 years. Trading in Baba Booey for Nick Cannon seems only rational.