My Yummy Little Pony

My Yummy Little Pony
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 1, 2011)

Cows, chickens, and alligators of Jacksonville, make way! Thanks to President Obama, your sizzling death on a Burger King grill will now be shared with Mister Ed’s great-grandson, Black Beauty IV, and that horse from Gumby, since the slaughter and consumption of horse meat is now legal in the United States.

Chowing down on clop chops is now as patriotic as Donald Trump’s glorious comb-over, and already an American favorite. Mall food courts nationwide have opened up Stallion Subs, Horse-Fill-A, and McMustang’s eateries for shoppers to enjoy, and Martha Stewart is set to air a full episode next week on how to prepare a special holiday horse meal this Christmas.

Don’t knock it until you tried it, or ride it, rather. America needed another red meat to carry the country’s obesity epidemic along, and what better than horse? It’s a new age. The animal is no longer needed as a means of transportation anymore. And have you seen the jockeys on the race track lately? They’re starving waiting for their four-legged teammates to die.

However, not everyone is happy about the new horse-gobbling law that’s been passed. The folks at PETA are in an uproar working on their “Just Say Neigh” campaign, farmers are barricading barn doors and petting zoos throughout the country are carrying “Please Don’t Eat The Horses” signs in case of the occasional hungry visitor.

Horses of the US, you have been warned. That haystack you’re eating may be your last. John Wayne is waiting.