Ditch The Rosary, Grab A Pole

Ditch The Rosary, Grab A Pole
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 24, 2011)

Tired of praying for the winning lottery ticket, to lose 50 pounds off a diet of pizza and ice cream, or for Johnny Depp to fall madly in love with you, only to be ignored? Fortunately, there is a more direct way in getting your prayers answered and it doesn’t include any goody-goody deeds to get His attention. Pole Dancing For Jesus, the latest trend coming from Texas, is a workout class taught by fitness instructor/former stripper Crystal Deans, that teaches church-going women how to spin around, slither down and work a pole, for who else but Jesus Christ.

Dressed in their Sunday best, hot pants, a tank and six-inch heels, these ladies are schooled to grind, lap dance and successfully grab cash off the floor using their butt cheeks, all in God’s good name. Strutting their stuff to funky Christian music; your body is a temple so show us what you got. It’s time to spread your legs wide and open yourself up to the Lord.

Classes for Pole Dancing For Jesus are held on the Sabbath day of each week and you must provide your church program to get in the exclusive religious course. Let’s face it, church is boring with everyone in those big robes that are so unflattering to your figure. Time to spice the worship up! Step Into the light of the lord with light up pumps.

Have the man upstairs saying, “Bless you, child” while making the man you’re married to scream out, “Hallelujah!” with these new sexy moves. However, practice makes perfect, so it’s best to get your own personal pole to keep next to your rosary, Bible and Strip Aerobics DVD.

Also, no saggies or flatties, get a boob job and lift them up to the Lord