Thursday, April 28, 2011

A Royal Flush

A Royal Flush
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 28, 2011)


A guest has just been crossed off the list to the biggest event across the pond and on the TV sets all over the world. Cameron Reilly, a Scots Guardsman set to work during the royal wedding of Prince William & Kate Middleton, was fired earlier this week after bashing the bride and future princess on his Facebook calling her nasty names such as “Stuck Up Cow” and “Posh Bitch“, making Victoria Beckham answer, “Yes, Mel B?”

It seems the polite wave Kate gave the stone-faced chap outside Will’s residence last Friday night wasn’t enough of a friendly greeting. Still furious about never once being invited inside Buckingham Palace for tea and crumpets with the Queen after a hard day of standing in his fluffy bearskin hat, Reilly took to his Facebook to vent out his frustration.

Forgetting he’s not Kanye West and that he worked for the British monarchy where freedom of speech and Kate Middleton and Taylor Swift slurs don’t exist, Reilly’s crude comments ultimately cost him his job, a whole lotta money, and a 2 second spot on “Fashion Police Royal Wedding” getting heckled by Joan Rivers.

The night his remarks surfaced, Reilly was spotted by Prince Harry who was having a pint at the pub with his military mates. The fiery red head known as Britain’s Crowned Bad Boy went up to the jukebox, put on Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”, approached Reilly and asked, “Pardon me lad, but aren’t you that bloke talking rubbish about my brother’s girl?”

The prince cracked his knuckles and continued, “How would you like to be my new whipping boy?” Suddenly Harry and his buddies tackled and started a brawl with Reilly, who was left with 1 black eye, 5 missing teeth and 2 badly swollen testicles.

However, it’s hard to take the guardsman’s insults seriously as most of Reilly’s Facebook comments are filled with spelling errors and completely unintelligible. Seems the anti-royal rebel flunked out of his first year in primary school or no habla ingles as he continually refers to Kate as “hur”.

Luckily, finding a replacement at the last minute wasn’t much of hassle, as Simon Cowell will proudly take Reilly’s place. Jolly good!

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Friday, April 22, 2011

Saved By The Dog

Saved By The Dog
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 19, 2011)

An angel disguised as a talking gorilla dressed in a black leather vest, sunglasses, studded bicep bracelet and a long golden power mullet, came down from Biker Heaven and saved the once famous Nicholas Cage by posting his bail last weekend after getting arrested for domestic violence, public intoxication and 2007‘s Ghost Rider.

After an 8 hour lock-up sharing a toilet with Mel Gibson’s former cellmate, Nic used his one phone call to contact his TBH BFF, Duane “Dog” Chapman, to rescue him. Immediately putting his 4-man chase of The Hamburglar surrounding a Denver McDonald’s to a halt, Dog rushed to be at his friend’s side with $11,000, a camera crew and a bottle of L’Oreal’s Sublime Bronze.

Now if there’s anything the A&E macho believes in its hairspray, and the legalization of washed-up movie stars smacking around their wives while liquored-up on Zima out on the streets of New Orleans. What were those Louisiana police trying to pull? It wasn’t like the crime was anything serious; the NOPD acted as if this were a local Dunkin Donuts heist.

Dog and Nic first met a few years back at a Hair Club For Men in LA, where Dog held a seminar giving baldies tips and secrets behind his mighty mane. The pair have been buds ever since, spending time together shopping for motorcycles, going to Elvis conventions, and enjoying romantic candlelit dinners at Outback Steakhouse.

Unfortunately Nic Cage has recently filed bankruptcy. Seems like the box-office crap the actor released in the last 10 years has been a bad investment. The Academy Award Winner even pawned off his Oscar for some extra cash to pay for the Big Mouth Billy Bass in his living room
It’s still nice to know Nic’s got a friend in high places. City of Angels 2: Back With Avenges.

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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Boozing Juvies Go Goo Goo

Boozing Juvies Go Goo Goo
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 14, 2011)


A waitress in a Detroit Applebee’s is about to lose her job and face a hefty fine for serving a minor alcohol without properly checking for ID first. Looking past the customer’s high-chair, binky, and “iPood” bib, the server poured a (non-virgin) margarita into the sippy cup of a 15 month old baby.

The parents of the toddler were unaware of their son’s underage drinking at the family friendly turned pub for tots restaurant till the child began acting strangely, making passes at fat chicks, stripping down to his diaper, and ultimately passing out in front of his untouched plate of Macaroni & Cheese, to later wake up with “BALLS” written on his forehead.

Concerned about her child’s erratic behavior, the mother took her youngin’ to the hospital where it was found the amateur-alkie had a .10 blood alcohol rating. Luckily the doctors caught this before the tyke got behind the wheel, putting grasshoppers and squirrels on the road in danger, and eventually getting charged with a TUI: Tricycling Under The Influence.

Turns out earlier that evening, when the Applebee’s waitress took the boy’s drink order, “apple juice” was misraken for “happy juice” and an alcoholic beverage was served to the little one instead. An awful slip-up or a helpful fix? We all know the pressures on babies these days, from the stresses of potty training to the hassles of the alphabet to The Wiggles tour not stopping at your town, sometimes you need a little something to take the edge off.

Although the Patron Prince was nowhere near 21, take it from R.Kelly, age ain’t nothing but a number. This is America. Children elsewhere all over the globe are breaking their back working in sweatshops, factories, and Cambodia Cinnabons. Not allowing a kid from the good ol’ USA to have a beer after a tough day of counting to ten, finger painting, and watching Sesame Street is just preposterous. Why must these ridiculous drinking laws crush the American Dream?

We salute you Applebee’s: Where A Kid Can Be A Drunk

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