A Royal Flush

A Royal Flush
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 28, 2011)

A guest has just been crossed off the list to the biggest event across the pond and on the TV sets all over the world. Cameron Reilly, a Scots Guardsman set to work during the royal wedding of Prince William & Kate Middleton, was fired earlier this week after bashing the bride and future princess on his Facebook calling her nasty names such as “Stuck Up Cow” and “Posh Bitch“, making Victoria Beckham answer, “Yes, Mel B?”

It seems the polite wave Kate gave the stone-faced chap outside Will’s residence last Friday night wasn’t enough of a friendly greeting. Still furious about never once being invited inside Buckingham Palace for tea and crumpets with the Queen after a hard day of standing in his fluffy bearskin hat, Reilly took to his Facebook to vent out his frustration.

Forgetting he’s not Kanye West and that he worked for the British monarchy where freedom of speech and Kate Middleton and Taylor Swift slurs don’t exist, Reilly’s crude comments ultimately cost him his job, a whole lotta money, and a 2 second spot on “Fashion Police Royal Wedding” getting heckled by Joan Rivers.

The night his remarks surfaced, Reilly was spotted by Prince Harry who was having a pint at the pub with his military mates. The fiery red head known as Britain’s Crowned Bad Boy went up to the jukebox, put on Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”, approached Reilly and asked, “Pardon me lad, but aren’t you that bloke talking rubbish about my brother’s girl?”

The prince cracked his knuckles and continued, “How would you like to be my new whipping boy?” Suddenly Harry and his buddies tackled and started a brawl with Reilly, who was left with 1 black eye, 5 missing teeth and 2 badly swollen testicles.

However, it’s hard to take the guardsman’s insults seriously as most of Reilly’s Facebook comments are filled with spelling errors and completely unintelligible. Seems the anti-royal rebel flunked out of his first year in primary school or no habla ingles as he continually refers to Kate as “hur”.

Luckily, finding a replacement at the last minute wasn’t much of hassle, as Simon Cowell will proudly take Reilly’s place. Jolly good!