The Bunny That Got Away

The Bunny That Got Away
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 17, 2011)

It’s the heartbreak hotel filled with half-naked, freshly waxed, squeezed, and eager-to-please girls at the Playboy Mansion after the King Playboy himself, Hugh Hefner, was dumped by his gold-digging and silicone-styling 25 year-old fiancée, Crystal Harris, just days before the couple’s planned nuptials this weekend.

With the bride’s change of heart and feelings towards cleaning her husband’s bedpan on a daily basis, the wedding is now off. However, there’s no telling if Hef kept all the receipts for the grand ceremony. Everything has already been paid for, from the pink frou-frou Romona Kevez wedding gown to the lavish 5 tier cake, to Crystal’s new 32DDs.

The catastrophic split also caused the television special, Marrying Hef, on Lifetime - a network where Hef’s peers and former girlfriends from the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s could tune in to watch before putting away their teeth prior to bed- to be cancelled.

Seems the $1,000 weekly allowance Crystal received for her hard day’s work of doing absolutely nothing, spent on Jimmy Choo’s, Milano handbags and personalized diamond rings for her cat, just wasn’t enough for the runaway bride.

It’s also rumored Crystal has allegedly been hopping into the arms, bed, and groin of another, younger and wrinkle-free man, Dr. Phil’s son, Jordan McGraw. When asked for comment, Dr. Phil stated, “That’s my son, y’all! This will be great for my show!”

Alas, Crystal Harris proves to be another dumb blonde, obviously failing out of Gold Digging 101 before her run with Hef, the ultimate Splenda Grandpappy there is. Crystal only needed to stick it out a few years as Mrs. Hefner, reminding her hubby to take his daily pills of Centrum Silver, Citracal, and Viagra and before long would be shooting a nudie Forbes cover, wrapped in cash, after collecting millions and millions in life insurance payments.

Heartbroken and distressed, Hugh is now said to be hooking up with Betty White on the rebound and spending hours alone in his room with his Miracle Ear on, listening to Taylor Swift albums, choking back tears, and proclaiming, “That’s so true, Taylor! That’s so true!”

Hef first spotted the Playmate back in 2009 putting the “tramp” in trampoline, bouncing on the infamous Playboy springs topless. It was love at first, second, and third base. However, just because the silver fox is (much) older does not mean he’s wiser. Making the devastating mistake of giving monogamy a go, Hef proposed to Crystal on Christmas last year beside the fire, sipping eggnog, enjoying some stocking-shaped sugar cookies, and a Happy Holidays Hand Job.

Now Kody Brown from Sister Wives can tell you, one-on-one relationships never work. Dude’s gotta have his backups. Sadly though, at 85, Hef seems to be suffering from severe memory loss and rational thinking, forgetting all about the fantasy life he once had and all the boobies that kept him warm at night.

Ultimately, Crystal believes a marriage to a multi-millionaire will hurt the image of her so-called music career. With her new single, “An Amazing Publicity Stunt That’s Sure To Get Me Famous!” to hit the airwaves on Monday, look out for her new reality show, “Keeping Up With The Cash” that’s in the works and planned to air on E! this fall.