OMG! LC Crooks and Writes a Book

OMG! LC Crooks and Writes a Book
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 14, 2008)

Over the years many women have played major roles in the literary world. As authors, poets, and hot air balloon columnists, several are successful in their contribution to the written word. Iconic greats like Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, and Tori Spelling now welcome in the latest to join the Prose Hoes gang, Lauren "LC" Conrad, who as of last week, only expressed love in writing by signing her name at the bottom of a Piggly Wiggly on Rodeo receipt.

Somebody call Dr. Seuss! A floozy with a Blackberry is on the loose!

Lauren Conrad: Laguna Beach alum, former Teen Vogue intern, fabulous fashion designer, and blank-stare extraordinaire, has just landed a 3-book deal with Harper Collins. The Hills faux-reality (and alleged sex tape) star is planning on penning up a series of YA novels that are to be found in the Teen Spirituality section at the neighborhood Borders, sharing the same shelf with Senseless Credibility, The Swell Mar and Are You There God? It's Me, Rumor Willis. Although fictional, the novels are said to be inspired by the uplifting tales of Conrad's own bitches from riches life.

Protagonist Susan Pronad is set out to make a life for herself in Los Angeles working as a fake strip club promoter, wearing oversized sunglasses and always showing up fashionably late to hot parties thrown by Kathy Griffin. The plot revolves around her and her friends who tend to overdramatize minor altercations such as, "I'm sorry, but you got a Power Muff. I just can't be friends with someone who wears fur." Hours upon end are spent just talking and talking and talking about oneanother in various settings: beside the inflatable pool, on their RAC rented couch, sitting in a Dave & Buster’s booth, and at the Save The Penny Loafers annual potato-sack race. As camera crews are granted access and if the girls make a conscious effort to memorize their scripts beforehand and to not obviously direct their eyes at the cue cards, will Susan's dream of becoming an authentic human being come true?

In all hopes Conrad's writing style is capable of capturing the same apathetic and monotone narration she displays on her own show, as Pulitzer Prize nominations are on the horizon. Although insiders are hinting the books are being ghostwritten by professional beloved, Holly Madison.

English majors dressed in black turtlenecks across the country are angrily chugging down caramel macchiatos at the news. There is no fairness as an uneducated spoof effortlessly scoops up a publisher, while others are obligated to sleep with the tubby-pizza-faced receptionist at Random House and anxiously await, while their book of poems, My Last Breath. Did I Remember to Use AquaFresh? gathers dust.

As Audrina puts her freshly baked rack to use filming the blockbuster, Into the Blue 2: Drowning Never Felt So Long, and with Heidi getting cozy in a recording studio finishing up her highly-awaited super smash album alongside cult leader, doofus, and fiancé Spencer, The Hills girls are breaking out like Jessica Simpson's face in her Proactiv commercials. Never the one to play copycat or trim Jason Wahler's beard, Conrad was left without any options, a book deal was the only way to go in expanding the LC empire.

Unfortunately, teenage America doesn't bother reading Pop Tart warning labels, Swiffer Wet Jet manuals, or Planned Parenting pamphlets, let alone a fictional book based on a life that was fictional to begin with. Reading a book can take days, sometimes weeks! There is no sense in going through the time and trouble when The OC, 90210, and That's So Raven complete seasons are already out on DVD.

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