Rocky the Grizzly Says He's BEAR-ly Guilty

Rocky the Grizzly Says He’s BEAR-ly Guilty:
In His Own Words
As Told to Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 25, 2008)

RAWR! I’m a bear!

I tower over you like a tidal wave set to crush and hold the weight of 500 bags full of canned beef. I have claws that can rip the skin off your face, along with the strength to mangle and distort your body into my own (non-)living Picasso.

I never floss, I never wipe, and I never shave- because I am a bear.

Sometimes people forget this, and I’m not too sure why. Humans claim to be the evolved and smarter species, with your hybrid cars and spray-on tans, yet you lack the common knowledge that I can kill you, as effortlessly as popping open a can of beer, because I am a bear.

My name is Rocky, and I’m a Grizzly. I appear in movies and TV commercials, and occasionally perform stunts for your stupid enjoyment. Things were already turning sour, when I recently got myself into a little predicament.

You see, earlier this week I accidentally “attacked” one of my trainers. I took a little-itty-bitty bite out of his neck, and ultimately it led to his death.

As sad as everyone appears to be, I have to admit, this is sort of a rite a passage for me. As a young cub, I always enjoyed tales of the violent acts committed by my ancestors that have taken place over centuries. Deep down inside, I feel whole.

Although, as easy as it is for me to take someone’s life, I’m telling you, this one was a total slip. Aren’t we allowed one of those every now and then? What’s manslaughter between coworkers, huh?

Look, I’m sorry- then again I lack compassion and empathy when it comes to human beings. Accidents happen. He was handling me; I’m a bear

Times are hard enough, with having to add the box-office flop, Semi-Pro, onto my resume. I’m only 5 years old and already getting dragged down with Will Ferrel’s dwindling career. There is not enough awareness of the pressures on Animal Stars in Hollywood. But I’m not an animal star; I’m a bear.

I am warrior of the forest.

If I had it my way, I’d be living it up in the Alaskan wilderness, alongside my girl with the biggest and hairiest ass in the Pacific Northwest. You know, one of those classy broads that can rip up a lost and mindless camper, and make a necklace of their intestines.

In the end, I guess all I can say is, “Oops! My bad.” But how many times do I have to repeat myself? I’m a frickin’ bear!

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