Rolling Back Prices With Every Swing

Rolling Back Prices With Every Swing
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 31, 2011)

Let’s get ready to rumble! A Walmart greeter in Batavia, New York, got greeted herself with a punch in the face from a fist-flying customer. The elderly employee and busted up victim, Grace Suozzi, simply asked to see the shopper’s receipt at the store exit. However, Jacquetta Simmons took the request as a T.K.O. invite that landed Suozzi in the hospital with multiple facial fractures, painful swelling and a missed night at Bingo. Flawless Victory!

With Suozzi out cold on the floor, Simmons fled but was stopped in the parking lot by Walmart workers, shoppers, and spectators who had placed bets on the brawl. It was discovered her receipt showed her purchases of the Road House DVD, smiley face socks and bundles of bananas were paid for. No theft of any kind. Yet Simmons remains silent on why she went Rocky Balboa on Suozzi, because the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The 70 year-old retiree started working at Walmart a few months ago to save up enough money to pay for vaginal rejuvenation surgery that wasn’t covered by Medicare. (The sugar walls are sagging; it’s time for a lift.) Yet it appears her friends at the senior center were right. Suozzi was better off taking a job as a school crossing guard, trading in her blue vest uniform for a neon one and a broken nose for a STOP! sign.

The location where the granny beat down took place is not surprising, though. Better known as a popular hangout for the bored, weird, and fashionably handicapped, Walmart lures in the most bizarre. Why not turn the store into a boxing ring? Out of stock on Charmin toilet paper and the gloves are off!

“Welcome to Walmart! How may I help you?” – now them be fightin’ words.


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From Facebook To The Jail Books

From Facebook To The Jail Books
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 28, 2011)

It’s a digital age we live in nowadays, with children listening to The Wiggles’ Greatest Hits on their iPod, nuns texting the word of God during morning prayers, and Grandpa setting his next urologist appointment on his iPad 2. Everything is as simple as a push of a button, even when it comes to a crime investigation.

A Pittsburg market was burglarized by four thieves earlier this month. The robbers got away with $8,000 in cash, cigarettes and 100 bags of Skittles. It was mission accomplished for the gang, with a trip to Disney World planned, till one member posted pictures of the pocket-posse with all their stolen goodies on his Facebook page. Turns out the thoughtless thug, Isaiah Cutler, forgot to change the privacy settings on his Facebook account. The photos were made public and provided the police solid evidence for their arrest. No Law & Order detective work needed; the cops didn’t even have to put down their jelly donuts. Case solved.

Bored of flipping through MAD magazine and played out on Super Mario, the amateur burglars were just looking for something to do on their winter break from school. A store robbery was the answer! The group was made up of two 14 year-olds, a 17 year-old, and Cutler as the eldest and dumbest at 18. The other 3 will serve their short sentence for grand theft as juveniles before heading back to the 8th grade while Cutler will be tried as an adult, and likely ruled a new life in handcuffs, picking up trash off the freeway, and becoming the newest bitch in the Pittsburg Penitentiary. Look out for his prison updates on Facebook coming soon. (Isaiah Cutler: My butt hurts. –with cellmate Stinky Pete, Isaiah Cutler: Doing the jailhouse rock! –at the Prison Yard)

Showing off their biceps and Benjamins, the after-party-raid pictures that landed Cutler in the slammer look as if they are the remains left on the cutting room floor of a poorly made hip hop video not even Vanilla Ice, with his comeback single “Ice, Ice Adult”, would participate in. The boys flash wads of cash and pose shirtless for the camera, all in hopes their Facebook Friends will click “Like” and comment on their awesomeness and glorious triumph.

However, Cutler’s lawyer claims the gangster-in-training’s images were all photo-shopped and that his client’s Facebook was hacked into. None of this would have happened on Google+.

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America's Got Howard

America’s Got Howard
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 17, 2011)

TV’s hit, “America’s Got Talent” just got a touch of the royal treatment after The King of All Media, Howard Stern, signed on as the program’s newest judge, filling in for Piers Morgan with fart jokes, F-bombs, and boob job giveaways for bikini-stuffing-impaired contestants. The shock jock starts this summer, sitting next to Sharon Osbourne and Howie Mandel, critiquing hopefuls in the competition’s most entertaining, compelling, and STD-ridden season yet!

With Stern on board, auditions will begin showcasing new and different performances for viewers across the country to enjoy. Including mesmerizing motorboat acts, booty scrubbing stunts and amazing women shooting ping pong balls out of their vagina from the “America’s Got Talent” stage into your living room. Strippers, here’s your chance! Turn that $10 in your G-string into millions. Ready. Aim. Fire.

Let’s be honest. Singing Lionel Richie tunes and dancing the Macarena in a neon leotard can only take you so far, but having the special gift of catching bologna slices with your ass cheeks is a true, undeniable talent that is sure to get Howard’s vote and a one-way ticket to Hollywood. Star quality like that can’t easily be made.

Although the lineup will definitely bring in ratings with the unbathed, single and sex-deprived male audience, not everyone is happy with Howard’s move to primetime. Leave it to the bored mothers on the Parents Television Council to make an uproar against NBC’s choice in their latest recruit. PTC members have threaten to boycott the family friendly show, calling Stern a despicable candidate, crushing every little girls’ dream chance of ever landing a spread in Playboy magazine and winning an AVN award with Howard’s help in the process.

Nevertheless, Howard Stern is a major pop culture icon in America. The radio host is the Barbara Walters of dirty-talking journalism that has interviewed A-list celebrities, public figures and 1-toothed trannies for over 25 years. Trading in Baba Booey for Nick Cannon seems only rational.

My Yummy Little Pony

My Yummy Little Pony
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 1, 2011)

Cows, chickens, and alligators of Jacksonville, make way! Thanks to President Obama, your sizzling death on a Burger King grill will now be shared with Mister Ed’s great-grandson, Black Beauty IV, and that horse from Gumby, since the slaughter and consumption of horse meat is now legal in the United States.

Chowing down on clop chops is now as patriotic as Donald Trump’s glorious comb-over, and already an American favorite. Mall food courts nationwide have opened up Stallion Subs, Horse-Fill-A, and McMustang’s eateries for shoppers to enjoy, and Martha Stewart is set to air a full episode next week on how to prepare a special holiday horse meal this Christmas.

Don’t knock it until you tried it, or ride it, rather. America needed another red meat to carry the country’s obesity epidemic along, and what better than horse? It’s a new age. The animal is no longer needed as a means of transportation anymore. And have you seen the jockeys on the race track lately? They’re starving waiting for their four-legged teammates to die.

However, not everyone is happy about the new horse-gobbling law that’s been passed. The folks at PETA are in an uproar working on their “Just Say Neigh” campaign, farmers are barricading barn doors and petting zoos throughout the country are carrying “Please Don’t Eat The Horses” signs in case of the occasional hungry visitor.

Horses of the US, you have been warned. That haystack you’re eating may be your last. John Wayne is waiting.

Gumby Makes A Career Move

Gumby Makes A Career Move
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (September 10, 2011)

It’s been over 15 years since Gumby reigned on television, delighting children and amusing adults. Now as an out of work oddly-shaped headed man decked out in green, Gumby is running low on funds and the bills are piling high, resulting to a life of crime for the once famed TV star.

Caught on video surveillance earlier this week, a fully nude Gumby was spotted attempting to rob a San Diego 711 with Pokey, his getaway horse waiting outside and ready to bolt. Unfortunately, the store’s clerk did not take the stick up seriously as the burglar proceeded, “Give me all your money! I’m Gumby, dammit!” The cashier began to laugh and Gumby ran out of the 711 in embarrassment.

Trying to put the “G” back in Gumby, it appears his act of robbery was a total dud that makes Easy E roll over in his grave in shame. However, the criminal has yet to be caught and out on the loose.

It’s a sad ending to Gumby’s True Hollywood Story. After 35 years in show-biz, seems the lavish spending and the wild parties of the 80’s with the Care Bear gang, his wingman Mr. Rogers, and then girlfriend, Rainbow Brite has caught up to his savings account and the former celebrity filed bankruptcy in 1995.

Things became really bad when the city was forced to shut off the electricity in Gumby’s home. Without a working air conditioner to keep him cool, the clay man was in grave danger of melting away and getting mopped up off the face of the earth. Gumby’s life was at stake and he needed cash now!

However, Gumby’s money-hungry mischievous deed was a very strategic career move. With the crime hitting all the media outlets, Gumby’s getting everyone talking and the publicity is sure to make him a star once again. Look out for his reunion show, Gumby Gets The Green on E.

PETA Makes A Porno

PETA Makes A Porno
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Aug 20, 2011)


Don’t eat meat, munch a rug instead. In hopes of gaining more supporters, PETA is launching a porn website inspired by raunchy rabbits, humping-hungry dogs and Jenna Jameson’s award winning film career. The animal rights group’s new XXX site will feature pictures and videos of human sexcapades as well as live streaming from the north pole titled Arctic Nights with a fully nude female polar bear on ice skates.

Knowing very well that sex sells when it comes to putting an end to animal abuse, animal testing and Joe Pesci movie sales, PETA got the idea for HornyHyenas.com after taking advice from Heidi Fleiss following the shooting of her own reality show for Animal Planet, Prostitutes To Parrots.

Sticking to their anti-fur campaign, all actresses are told to shave the power muff before filming in honor of the American bald eagle. Promoting vegetarianism, videos will also include girl-on-veg action featuring adult film star, Cucumber Cummings.

Seems People of the Ethical Treatment of Animals could care less about the ethical treatment of people, while guys worldwide alone in their room surf the site with lotion in one hand and a hamburger in the other.

America Goes Green

America Goes Green
By Chloe Dinnerolly (Aug 2, 2011)

“Pot for Patriots” is the new catchphrase for a medical marijuana clinic in Lansing, Michigan that offers a free sample of the herbal refreshment to registered voters. Yes, the weed you buy to relieve the pain caused by cancer, glaucoma, and stubbing your toe while playing hacky-sack, comes at no charge with a simple “I Voted” sticker on your Grateful Dead shirt.

Offering a little something more motivational than what politicians promise, owner of Your Healthy Choice Clinic and certified drug dealer, Shekina Pena, started the peace pipe promotion to get the public voting when elections for the city council took place last week. The people of Lansing were seen walking into voting booths surrounded by a cloud of smoke and laughing hysterically at the word, “Election”. Yet the proud voters were still able to cast a vote for Snoop Dogg for Mayor, before raiding the 7 – 11’s snack aisle.

Smoking doobies has now become as American as obesity, heart disease and shopping at Pottery Barn. So, say The Pledge of Allegiance, light up and ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.

Milk: Does the Menstrual Cycle Good

Milk: Does the Menstrual Cycle Good
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 25, 2011)

After a week’s run, a milk ad campaign featuring frantic men stocking up on milk cartons for their lady loves who are entertaining for Aunt Flow’s monthly visit has been pulled due to high criticism for being offensive, sexist, and insensitive to those who suffer from lactose intolerance.

Forget Midol. Showcasing a study that milk helps reduce PMS symptoms, the California Milk Processor Board released a commercial targeting the real victims of the bloody curse: men. Every 28 days, guys endure a sex-less week of torture resulting from their girl’s crazy demands of countless Hershey bars, whining over being too bloated to fit into her favorite Jordache jeans, and starting a shouting match every time “that skinny bitch”, Kelly Rippa is on TV.

Under the slogan, “Jugs For Jugs”, milk sympathizes and offers a calciyum solution, advising dudes to always keep cups of moo moo juice handy in case of emergency. However, results can be risky. Several women riding the crimson wave have ended up throwing the drink in their man’s face, yelling, “I don’t want no glass of milk, stupid ass! Now where’s my heating pad, so we can hop in bed and get it on?”

While most men can relate and chuckle when watching the milk commercials, women see otherwise; viewing the advertisements as offensive to the gender for their fuming mad antics during their time of the month. Ridiculed and insulted, cows working on dairy farms nationwide are boycotting their jobs, grasping their utters and proclaiming, “No means no! Enjoy osteoporosis, suckas!”

Luckily, the ad campaign was pulled before the news spread, offending other females; human, cow or (wo)manatee. Now ladies on their period can return to piling up their shopping carts with tampons, maxi pads and tons of chocolate…milk.

Brangelina Bugs Out

Brangelina Bugs Out
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 20, 2011)

No need to call the exterminator after an insect infestation in your home, the Jolie-Pitt clan will gladly take care of the bug problem for you. Award winner and blood drinker, Angelina Jolie revealed on Monday that her kids love eating crickets. Chowing down on the crispy critters as they play Xbox on their marble floor, ride their private jet around the world, and to keep busy while Mommy and Daddy slip off to the bedroom and make weird noises.

The 6 little ones drool whenever they see a Disney movie featuring Jiminy Cricket, proclaiming, “That singing and dancing bug sure looks delicious!”

Knowing very well of Brangelina’s celebrity impact, insect enthusiasts are angry and upset as the bug eating trend starts to expand. Flying off the shelves faster than bags of Cheetos, Funyuns, and sugar covered Monkey BrainZ, their favorite creepy-crawly will soon fall into the endangered species list, while dentists everywhere begin finding bug legs stuck between their patients’ teeth.

The nightly tranquil chirp of the male crickets’ mating call, advising all the ladies to call up the 1-800-LOVE-A-BUG singles line and singing Barry White songs, will soon go mute.

Although, a common snack in the Far East, crickets always considered North America as a safe haven, living the good life hopping about and never having to worry about getting their head chomped off after being grilled, fried, or dipped in chocolate. The cricket cuisine is something you’d see on Fear Factor, not on the menu at a Hollywood A-List restaurant. But obviously, fear is not a factor to the Jolie-Pitt family.