That's Not Jack

That’s Not Jack
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 2, 2012)

There’s a reason Jack Nicholson was a no show at the Oscars last week and it has nothing to do with the morning’s colonoscopy leaving him with extreme butt hurt. The A-list actor has been up to no good in Brazil; hillbilly hand fishing in the Amazon, hiring half dressed women to his hotel room for a personal Carnival, and opening up fake bank accounts under the name Joao Pedro dos Santos that ultimately got him arrested on Tuesday.

Seems the actor has gone fully method studying for a role as a psychotic mobster in Martin Scorsese’s newest film, “Goodfellas 2: Oldfellas”. If Nicholson ever encountered a problem during a bank transaction, Jack would threaten the bank clerk with an axe, chop up the desk in front of him and shout, “Heeere’s Joao!” The 74 year-old has flown completely over the coo coo’s nest, or at least that’s what it looks like…

Oops! Jack Nicholson is the latest celebrity to fall victim to identity theft, next to Carrot Top’s Twitter getting hacked, and a woman in a bloody butcher’s apron posing as Lady Gaga to get a free bucket of chicken at KFC. Brazilian con artist, Ricardo Sergio Freire de Barros has been hitting up banks throughout the country, opening accounts and collecting millions with a photo of Jack Nicholson on his ID. The identity was easy to score for the criminal mastermind, who used the snapshot of the famous actor from an old Entertainment Weekly cover. Luckily, Freire de Barros is a subscriber.

Some may call the criminal’s act dumb. The police say there is no resemblance between the suspect and the actor. However, the sly bandit had been getting away with identity theft for months. Bank tellers did not spot the difference or report anything wrong, since paying attention to ID photos is such a waste of time. Freire de Barros was able to walk away with a lot of free money, a Ferrari, and a great deal on a spray tan in Rio’s finest salon. Unfortunately though, all good things must come to an end and the crazy crook had to trade in his Rolex for handcuffs, his beach house for a jail cell and a Kohler’s Smart Toilet for a dirty urinal.

As far as for the real Jack Nicholson, the award winning actor continues living the dream, smoking cigars and watching the sunset on his million dollar yacht. With a fabulous life like that, you can’t blame a guy for wanting to be him.

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From Facebook To The Jail Books

From Facebook To The Jail Books
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 28, 2011)

It’s a digital age we live in nowadays, with children listening to The Wiggles’ Greatest Hits on their iPod, nuns texting the word of God during morning prayers, and Grandpa setting his next urologist appointment on his iPad 2. Everything is as simple as a push of a button, even when it comes to a crime investigation.

A Pittsburg market was burglarized by four thieves earlier this month. The robbers got away with $8,000 in cash, cigarettes and 100 bags of Skittles. It was mission accomplished for the gang, with a trip to Disney World planned, till one member posted pictures of the pocket-posse with all their stolen goodies on his Facebook page. Turns out the thoughtless thug, Isaiah Cutler, forgot to change the privacy settings on his Facebook account. The photos were made public and provided the police solid evidence for their arrest. No Law & Order detective work needed; the cops didn’t even have to put down their jelly donuts. Case solved.

Bored of flipping through MAD magazine and played out on Super Mario, the amateur burglars were just looking for something to do on their winter break from school. A store robbery was the answer! The group was made up of two 14 year-olds, a 17 year-old, and Cutler as the eldest and dumbest at 18. The other 3 will serve their short sentence for grand theft as juveniles before heading back to the 8th grade while Cutler will be tried as an adult, and likely ruled a new life in handcuffs, picking up trash off the freeway, and becoming the newest bitch in the Pittsburg Penitentiary. Look out for his prison updates on Facebook coming soon. (Isaiah Cutler: My butt hurts. –with cellmate Stinky Pete, Isaiah Cutler: Doing the jailhouse rock! –at the Prison Yard)

Showing off their biceps and Benjamins, the after-party-raid pictures that landed Cutler in the slammer look as if they are the remains left on the cutting room floor of a poorly made hip hop video not even Vanilla Ice, with his comeback single “Ice, Ice Adult”, would participate in. The boys flash wads of cash and pose shirtless for the camera, all in hopes their Facebook Friends will click “Like” and comment on their awesomeness and glorious triumph.

However, Cutler’s lawyer claims the gangster-in-training’s images were all photo-shopped and that his client’s Facebook was hacked into. None of this would have happened on Google+.

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