Starbucks Stops Bugging Around

Starbucks Stops Bugging Around

By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 23, 2012)

Starbucks has taken their love for the classic flick, Beetle Juice, a little too literal by using crushed cochineal beetles as a dye in their drinks and treats. The secret ingredient was recently revealed and after an online petition signed by 6,500 people and The Orkin Man, the pool party of floating bugs inside Starbucks cups is over.

PETA argues the use of cochineal insects puts the “die” in “dye”, but they don’t know what they started.

It’s not the caffeine in your grande frappuccino you’re addicted to, it’s the bugs. With Starbucks’ bug banish underway, people will be left chewing on house flies to get their daily fix. This is a My Strange Addiction for the masses (Sam drinks 30 bugs a day; that’s over 200 bugs a week) and an Intervention sure to bring in the viewers (Aaron started eating bugs at 13. He has been addicted to bugs for 15 years.) It’s food coloring with wings that gives you wings. Not Red Bull, silly.

Starbucks sales will plummet as Americans begin collecting ant farms to sprinkle on their homemade coffee to achieve the genuine Starbucks taste. There’s no need to wait in line and pay $5 for a cup o’ joe when everything you need is right at home. Toss the bug repellent and be your own barista.

Insects beware! That flower pot on the ledge of a kitchen window is a trap and a certified no fly zone! The annual Ugly Bug Ball is next Saturday. The Backstreet Bugs will be there this year and you can’t miss it because your uncle got eaten.

Thanks a lot, PETA.


CLICK HERE to follow Talk About Pop with Chloe Dinnerrolly

Source

My Yummy Little Pony

My Yummy Little Pony
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 1, 2011)

Cows, chickens, and alligators of Jacksonville, make way! Thanks to President Obama, your sizzling death on a Burger King grill will now be shared with Mister Ed’s great-grandson, Black Beauty IV, and that horse from Gumby, since the slaughter and consumption of horse meat is now legal in the United States.

Chowing down on clop chops is now as patriotic as Donald Trump’s glorious comb-over, and already an American favorite. Mall food courts nationwide have opened up Stallion Subs, Horse-Fill-A, and McMustang’s eateries for shoppers to enjoy, and Martha Stewart is set to air a full episode next week on how to prepare a special holiday horse meal this Christmas.

Don’t knock it until you tried it, or ride it, rather. America needed another red meat to carry the country’s obesity epidemic along, and what better than horse? It’s a new age. The animal is no longer needed as a means of transportation anymore. And have you seen the jockeys on the race track lately? They’re starving waiting for their four-legged teammates to die.

However, not everyone is happy about the new horse-gobbling law that’s been passed. The folks at PETA are in an uproar working on their “Just Say Neigh” campaign, farmers are barricading barn doors and petting zoos throughout the country are carrying “Please Don’t Eat The Horses” signs in case of the occasional hungry visitor.

Horses of the US, you have been warned. That haystack you’re eating may be your last. John Wayne is waiting.

PETA Makes A Porno

PETA Makes A Porno
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Aug 20, 2011)


Don’t eat meat, munch a rug instead. In hopes of gaining more supporters, PETA is launching a porn website inspired by raunchy rabbits, humping-hungry dogs and Jenna Jameson’s award winning film career. The animal rights group’s new XXX site will feature pictures and videos of human sexcapades as well as live streaming from the north pole titled Arctic Nights with a fully nude female polar bear on ice skates.

Knowing very well that sex sells when it comes to putting an end to animal abuse, animal testing and Joe Pesci movie sales, PETA got the idea for HornyHyenas.com after taking advice from Heidi Fleiss following the shooting of her own reality show for Animal Planet, Prostitutes To Parrots.

Sticking to their anti-fur campaign, all actresses are told to shave the power muff before filming in honor of the American bald eagle. Promoting vegetarianism, videos will also include girl-on-veg action featuring adult film star, Cucumber Cummings.

Seems People of the Ethical Treatment of Animals could care less about the ethical treatment of people, while guys worldwide alone in their room surf the site with lotion in one hand and a hamburger in the other.

Udderly Delicious No More

Udderly Delicious No More
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 27, 2008)

Lactating mothers: crunch into a Vlasic pickle and beware! Hold your slobber babies close and your dripping saggy-bagged boobs closer. Armed with picket signs and breast pumps PETA is on the prowl, sneaking into nurseries, bedrooms, and KB Toy Stores, to fill up empty Quaker Oats containers by the gallon with your mother's milk, all in hopes consumers have a change of heart, along with a change of taste.

In a recent letter to the men behind the name, the magic, and the 42 fat grams per serving of Ben & Jerry's, the animal rights group is asking the ice cream chain to substitute one of its most important ingredients; milk, with the stuff that leaks through the uniform of your postpartum Denny's waitress. Claiming breast milk is to be a better and healthier switch for ice cream fanatics, unlike cow's milk, it is least likely to reek from sun exposure, go chunky after its sell-by date, or be laced with crystal meth.

On behalf of cows worldwide, PETA is standing on top of their soapbox on all fours to say, "Enough is enough! They will no longer be the milk vending machines for the human population! Cows are tired of being yanked around! It stops now!" To which the hefty farm animals added, "Moo."

The hobnob and hapless activist group's solution to the moo moo juice boycott is to have nursing women create, use, and sell out their own milky ways from their own personal mammary glands.

Never mind the droopy diaper youngins who depend on breast milk for nutrition, growth, and developmental bling-bling playa skills in the first place. The rightful owners of the juicy jugs are expected to cry hungry, as tubbos in front of the TV eat up in delight. Dollar General cashier, stay-at-home and out of work mothers are ready to take advantage of the new career opportunity and milk 'em ta-tas for all they're worth, for they have not one, but 2 packages filled with liquid gold resting inside their maternity bras. "Sorry Baby, mama gots to get paid."

As infantile obesity goes into a decline, cow unemployment is set to reach an all time high. Countless of cows will be out of work, standing in line alongside Danny Bonaduce at the social security office. Those whose udders once provided delicious goodness for millions will be let-go and forced into early retirement, set to lead an unproductive and duller life, with only the occasional tip and occasional poop to look forward to.

The BBW stars of the Ben & Jerry's logo are to be replaced with the tease of a sloppy and sleep deprived woman lifting up a vomit-stained Tshirt, exposing her gnawed left nipple. Production is in the beginning works for the future campaign for Ben & Jerry's newest flavors, Chug-A-Jug, Boobie Goodies, and Tasty Tits.

Unfortunately, not everyone picks up a jazzy Ben & Jerry's carton while browsing Winn-Dixie's frozen food aisle. If PETA is successful in passing their Cow Labor Law and with the limited supply of trickling baby mamas, Edy's, Breyer's, and other ice cream brands must rely on other sources. So go ahead and fill up your bowl with 3 scoops of Rocky Road, unbeknownst to you, portions have come from a gorilla's hairy teat.

Source