Inmate Lohan Returns (Pre-Production)

Inmate Lohan Returns (Pre-Production)
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb. 4, 2011)

Looks like Lindsay Lohan may need to file as permanent resident to Cell Block C for this year's taxes. After only 6 months since her last release, Lindsay may be heading back to The Slammer On Rodeo and it's not for the catfight that exploded with a Betty Ford staffer in December over a cup of pee.

The once actress turned spinning cyclone of disaster, allegedly did a Winona Ryder and stole a gold necklace worth $2,500. If charged with the, what David Copperfield calls "amateur", disappearing act, Lindsay is in violation of her parole which accounts as a one-way luxury-class ticket back to a cold, dark, VIP jail cell.

Regardless, it will still be nice to see old friends again, like Lindsay's BBF (Behind Bars Friend) Joy, sentenced to life for murder, and the rest of the gang. Nothing wrong with wearing an orange jumpsuit all the time; it saves a bundle on dry-cleaning. It's also not like Lindsay's bothered by handcuffs. She has her own pair kept in her bedroom nightstand that are used frequently. Prison is a ca/oke walk.

Unfortunately, Lindsay's acting career was put to an end before the age of 21. After going nude in the crapper-thriller I Know Who Killed Me back in 2007, Lindsay broke the first rule of the game. Didn't she ever read, Men Are From Mars? Her male fans quickly became bored. ("Yawn. Already saw 'em.") It's not like her talent lies elsewhere and soon the audience lost interest, leaving other ways for Lindsay to make the covers of magazines again.

The daughter Mickey Rourke never had and a chick Charlie Sheen never banged, Lindsay wears the label of "Hollywood's Bad Girl" like a Dior last season slightly-stained cocktail dress. Lindsay does what it takes to stay in the limelight, even if that calls for 8 glasses of vodka, a few swipes of cocaine and the bad dancing in the music video for Rumors. (Better leave that to Beyonce, baby girl) With each arrest is another new career move that gets everyone talking, from Ryan Seacrest to Dr. Drew to Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser.

Like most child stars, the parents hold part of the blame for Lilo's reckless and Amy Winehouse-inspired behavior. Her father feeds his own Z-list fame selling out his daughter's failures, her mother makes excuses to the media for Lindsay's actions in hopes of getting a gig with Oprah and Girl Scouts just discontinued her favorite bingeing food, Thank You Berry Much cookies; it's no wonder she drinks. With a home life like that, I would be begging to be locked up too. Not everyone from Disney has a Cinderella ending, so listen up Selena Gomez!

Although, it now seems Lindsay Lohan may never win Oscar gold, don't feel like her work in Herbie Fully Loaded has been snubbed just yet, Linds already snuck and took a statue home with her a few years ago after a party in Meryl Steep's house.

Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got; she's still Lindsay from the block - Cell Block C!

Kim Kardashian Kares

Kim Kardashian Kares
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 26, 2011)

It's pretty simple becoming a new MTV Teen Queen these days. There's no need for singing, dancing or Justin Bieber shoelace-tying abilities. All you gotta do is pop out a baby before the age of 17 and you bagged yourself your own hot show and a glamorous new career

Any girl can do it. MTV will come running. You'll get a camera crew following you around in no time and your face on the covers of all the hip magazines like "Us", "People", and "Martha Stewart Living" in only 9 months! Sure beats English Lit. Michelle Duggar of 19 Kids And Counting can tell you, condoms are a waste of money, especially when you're working part-time at Dairy Queen to save up for a sparkly strapless, purple chiffon, maternity prom dress all girls envy.

But the dream of teenaged mother celebrities came crumbling down when Kim Kardashian, socialite, model, and mother of zero, took to her blog this week upset over the fact that 90 female students in a Memphis high school were either pregnant or have given birth. Like a voice of reason with a big round apple bottom, she blamed MTV and its popular show Teen Mom (A reality series that stars, nonetheless, teen moms) for its poor role models and the "Slut It Up" message it sends young girls.

Not allowing Kim to hog the spotlight, the girls of Teen Mom quickly shot back. Amber Portwood claimed the show sent a positive message to today’s youth and then went back to smacking around her ex-boyfriend in front of her child, making sure the cameras were around to catch her next arrest. What ratings! Another cast member, Farrah Abraham, even slammed Kim Kardashian for poising in Playboy, her sex tape and all the things that are so 2007 and did when she was old enough to vote, drink, and see rated R movies.

However, teen girls purposely getting pregnant to land a job is a slippery slope that can land you a plush seat in MTV offices or an unwanted chair next to Maury. Girls need to be careful. Unfortunately MTV has lost 95% credibility once the network started airing Jersey Shore. (Who needs music on a channel named Music TV, anyway?)

Although teen pregnancy seems like the trend nowadays doesn’t make it a good idea, just look at jeggings, Crocs, and the Snuggie. Kim Kardashian got two reality shows without a baby and both shows even got her name in the title. There are plenty of women on television who didn’t need to use pregnancy to get a TV deal, just look at rerspects such as Oprah, Barbara Walters and Judge Judy.

The Girl Kicked Out The Door

The Girl Kicked Out The Door
By Chloe DInnerrolly (Oct. 11, 2008)

Toilets are flushing counterclockwise, lions are spitting out baby carcasses, and Sarah Palin’s gunning down elderly blue-vested Walmart greeters in shock; it’s a heartbreak that is being felt-up across America. In a bizarre twist of 518 cc’s of silicone and undeniable fate, Hugh Hefner and his main squeeze –out of all the juicy apples that fill up his fruit tree- Holly Madison, have put an end to their storybook romance. After 7 years of Metamucil, boobies, and bliss, the picturesque couple has called it quits, leaving sorority girls scratching their crab bites in bewilderment.

So happily displayed with shimmering body glitter and bottled peroxide on their hit reality show, The Girls Next Door, out of Hef’s bleached and bejeweled girlfriend party of three, which includes co-stars, co-workers, and co-strumpets Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt, Holly Madison was crowned The Number 1 Girl and The Number 1 Pooper Scooper. Thanks to the man who paid the way to their rise to fame, the golden trinity seemed to live the luxurious life of buzzing queen bees.

Old enough to be their grandpa’s grandpa, to make things convenient, Hef had the ladies share the wealth, the limelight, last night’s Rice-A-Roni leftovers, and him. As the male audience watched on mute and with their bedroom doors locked, the braless bouncy gals showcase all the glitz, glamour, and fun being part of a polygamous relationship can be. But apparently, sharing isn’t caring.

A true pioneer in literature and the arts, over 50 years ago, Hef had a big idea behind a simple concept, and launched a little known nudie mag titled, Playboy, to which over time has snowballed into a million-dollar empire, and the natural next step in a starlet’s career after her stint with Disney. (Check out newsstands in 2010 for November centerfold Miley Cyrus.) The wanton elder has accomplished more than a lifetime of work in his 82 years, and intends on keeping his business going full speed, ignoring the signs that his tank is running on empty.

He may not have his original set of teeth or walk without the help of orthopedic slippers, but the silver fox has those age-spotted hands full. After a hard day’s work at the office, going over countless roll after roll of film filled with naked women, the old man is exhausted. The last thing he wants is to come home to a committed relationship with the same ol’ boring girl, who is already pushing 30, and insists on filling his doddering mind with crazy talk of marriage and babies. It’s 4:15, Hef just wants a 5-minute handjob and to sip his dinner of Ensure in peace.

The top half of the hourglass is rapidly running out of sand, and Mr. Playboy doesn’t want the party to end. To the inventor of the game, a worthwhile relationship has no strings attached, g-strings included. While other men his age –most of whom reside six feet underground- are collecting social security checks, Hef’s still collecting V-cards.

Unfortunately, Madison never picked up a copy of Playboy before and was naïve enough to believe that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks, even one as misbehaved as Hef; who at his wrinkly age, is still sniffing crotches, humping guests’ legs, and jumping at the chance to run out the door to mount the neighbor’s new poodle. The Big Dog doesn’t even need to perform special rollover tricks to get a treat, or several treats at the same time, for that matter. He has been overstuffed and underdressed for decades. The spoiled fossil is a creature of habit, and no amount of last minute obedience training is going to stop him from drooling, shedding, and peeing all over the floor.

Luckily for Madison, the peroxide-blonde believes in magic, for the lovesick ex has already bunny-hopped into the greasy arms of Mindfreak magician, Criss Angel. After becoming accustomed to a man who lacks the strength to lift a box of Lucky Charms and whose sack hangs below his knees, the new hookup is an odd one for Madison, as Angel is able to guess her card, pull a rabbit out of his hat, and magically elevate things without the use of a handful of blue pills.

Despite the cankerous-colossal split, Madison and the other 2 bed buddies are set to continue taping new seasons of The Girls Next Door as an educational tool for teenage girls nationwide, documenting the logical way to find success. There is no need in breaking your piggy bank to scrounge enough for tuition, as that certificate of completion from ITT Tech Career College is unnecessary. Rather, put that money where your second cousin’s mouth has been and invest in a quality boob job, leaving your breasts as round as two snow globes, to hold the attraction of a potential sugar daddy –or in Hef’s case, Splenda Grand Pappy- to make your shameless salary dreams come true.

Although rumor has it, Madison is not the only one said to go. News is surfacing that the Fab Four is breaking up altogether. The girls may all soon move out, leaving Kendra in a shrunk football jersey laughing as she mumbles the word, “hippopotamus” and Bridget decked out in pink frou-frou online shopping elsewhere for Cookie Monster costumes for herself and for her cat. The Girls Next Door will take a literal perspective, as they become the girls who really do live next door. But need not worry, the bedrooms in the Playboy mansion are never left vacant.

Whether Hef has his Miracle Ear on to hear it or not, death is knocking quite loudly. And death is not something to look forward to; a skeleton in a black cloak isn’t the idea of sexy. Hef’s not planning on spending his remaining years, if not months, tied down, if it’s not in the fun way. If the future follows out to Hef’s agenda, he’s going down with a pipe and a smile, as 2 young blondes go down on him.

Udderly Delicious No More

Udderly Delicious No More
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 27, 2008)

Lactating mothers: crunch into a Vlasic pickle and beware! Hold your slobber babies close and your dripping saggy-bagged boobs closer. Armed with picket signs and breast pumps PETA is on the prowl, sneaking into nurseries, bedrooms, and KB Toy Stores, to fill up empty Quaker Oats containers by the gallon with your mother's milk, all in hopes consumers have a change of heart, along with a change of taste.

In a recent letter to the men behind the name, the magic, and the 42 fat grams per serving of Ben & Jerry's, the animal rights group is asking the ice cream chain to substitute one of its most important ingredients; milk, with the stuff that leaks through the uniform of your postpartum Denny's waitress. Claiming breast milk is to be a better and healthier switch for ice cream fanatics, unlike cow's milk, it is least likely to reek from sun exposure, go chunky after its sell-by date, or be laced with crystal meth.

On behalf of cows worldwide, PETA is standing on top of their soapbox on all fours to say, "Enough is enough! They will no longer be the milk vending machines for the human population! Cows are tired of being yanked around! It stops now!" To which the hefty farm animals added, "Moo."

The hobnob and hapless activist group's solution to the moo moo juice boycott is to have nursing women create, use, and sell out their own milky ways from their own personal mammary glands.

Never mind the droopy diaper youngins who depend on breast milk for nutrition, growth, and developmental bling-bling playa skills in the first place. The rightful owners of the juicy jugs are expected to cry hungry, as tubbos in front of the TV eat up in delight. Dollar General cashier, stay-at-home and out of work mothers are ready to take advantage of the new career opportunity and milk 'em ta-tas for all they're worth, for they have not one, but 2 packages filled with liquid gold resting inside their maternity bras. "Sorry Baby, mama gots to get paid."

As infantile obesity goes into a decline, cow unemployment is set to reach an all time high. Countless of cows will be out of work, standing in line alongside Danny Bonaduce at the social security office. Those whose udders once provided delicious goodness for millions will be let-go and forced into early retirement, set to lead an unproductive and duller life, with only the occasional tip and occasional poop to look forward to.

The BBW stars of the Ben & Jerry's logo are to be replaced with the tease of a sloppy and sleep deprived woman lifting up a vomit-stained Tshirt, exposing her gnawed left nipple. Production is in the beginning works for the future campaign for Ben & Jerry's newest flavors, Chug-A-Jug, Boobie Goodies, and Tasty Tits.

Unfortunately, not everyone picks up a jazzy Ben & Jerry's carton while browsing Winn-Dixie's frozen food aisle. If PETA is successful in passing their Cow Labor Law and with the limited supply of trickling baby mamas, Edy's, Breyer's, and other ice cream brands must rely on other sources. So go ahead and fill up your bowl with 3 scoops of Rocky Road, unbeknownst to you, portions have come from a gorilla's hairy teat.

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Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Ellen DeGeneres?

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Ellen DeGeneres?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 19, 2008)

The theory that a lesbian's idea of being fashion forward comes in denim shirts with cut off sleeves, Simon Cowell haircuts, and Berkenstocks is just an old civil-unioned wives tale. No matter how many power drills fill up their garage, lesbians are women too and are just as expected to spend a hefty penny on compacts, nail glue and thong panty-liners like all the straight girls, regardless of the tool belts they swing.

Breaking down the saw dust over Cosmo's Musts sterotype with a goofy dance -and a just as goofy smile- Ellen DeGeneres has become the newest spokesmodel for CoverGirl cosmetics. Dressed in a blazer, New Balance tennis shoes and a shiny new wedding ring, she bumps the closed-closeted big bad mama jamma, Queen Latifah out of her previous position.

Not one you'd expect to pose in front of a camera, DeGeneres is definitely one of those, "Listen El, you got a great personality, but--" types. Her close-up beauty shots may be blurry and out of focus, but her nice funny gal persona and loaded bank account are as clear as day. With no modeling experiance whatsoever, the mop-top scored a million dollar deal, as Tyra Banks spends months training aspiring models, making them strut in an infested shark tank in meat-covered underwear in order to land a job with CoverGirl; when all it really takes is a distinctive nose and a harmless PG-Rated Brangelina joke.

CoverGirl now embraces their newest motto: It's What's On The Inside That Counts But You Can Really Use Some Concealer.

With DeGeneres as the fresh pony face for the cosmetic line, the move is sure to lasso in a much needed clientelle. Women who never bothered with makeup, hairspray, or a penis are now cramming CVS aisles after getting word from the Godmother. Tearing up the Living Lez Guidebook, chicks who once wore their scars like a badge of honor ("I got this one on my cheek after my girl broke my glasses. She was sitting on my face when it happened") are now required to pick up CG's new liquid foundation and blend, blend blend.

Equality for all.

Why should drag queens and trannies have all the fun putting on a fabulous face for their Cher tribute show and why should heteosexual women be the only ones to get into fender benders attempting to put on mascara while driving on the freeway?

Putting their famined staff to work, CoverGirl is expanding to a very large and left-out demographic, and there's no better spokesmodel to reach out to their target audience than Ellen DeGeneres -- unless, this unravels into another Anne Heche blunder.

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OMG! LC Crooks and Writes a Book

OMG! LC Crooks and Writes a Book
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 14, 2008)

Over the years many women have played major roles in the literary world. As authors, poets, and hot air balloon columnists, several are successful in their contribution to the written word. Iconic greats like Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, and Tori Spelling now welcome in the latest to join the Prose Hoes gang, Lauren "LC" Conrad, who as of last week, only expressed love in writing by signing her name at the bottom of a Piggly Wiggly on Rodeo receipt.

Somebody call Dr. Seuss! A floozy with a Blackberry is on the loose!

Lauren Conrad: Laguna Beach alum, former Teen Vogue intern, fabulous fashion designer, and blank-stare extraordinaire, has just landed a 3-book deal with Harper Collins. The Hills faux-reality (and alleged sex tape) star is planning on penning up a series of YA novels that are to be found in the Teen Spirituality section at the neighborhood Borders, sharing the same shelf with Senseless Credibility, The Swell Mar and Are You There God? It's Me, Rumor Willis. Although fictional, the novels are said to be inspired by the uplifting tales of Conrad's own bitches from riches life.

Protagonist Susan Pronad is set out to make a life for herself in Los Angeles working as a fake strip club promoter, wearing oversized sunglasses and always showing up fashionably late to hot parties thrown by Kathy Griffin. The plot revolves around her and her friends who tend to overdramatize minor altercations such as, "I'm sorry, but you got a Power Muff. I just can't be friends with someone who wears fur." Hours upon end are spent just talking and talking and talking about oneanother in various settings: beside the inflatable pool, on their RAC rented couch, sitting in a Dave & Buster’s booth, and at the Save The Penny Loafers annual potato-sack race. As camera crews are granted access and if the girls make a conscious effort to memorize their scripts beforehand and to not obviously direct their eyes at the cue cards, will Susan's dream of becoming an authentic human being come true?

In all hopes Conrad's writing style is capable of capturing the same apathetic and monotone narration she displays on her own show, as Pulitzer Prize nominations are on the horizon. Although insiders are hinting the books are being ghostwritten by professional beloved, Holly Madison.

English majors dressed in black turtlenecks across the country are angrily chugging down caramel macchiatos at the news. There is no fairness as an uneducated spoof effortlessly scoops up a publisher, while others are obligated to sleep with the tubby-pizza-faced receptionist at Random House and anxiously await, while their book of poems, My Last Breath. Did I Remember to Use AquaFresh? gathers dust.

As Audrina puts her freshly baked rack to use filming the blockbuster, Into the Blue 2: Drowning Never Felt So Long, and with Heidi getting cozy in a recording studio finishing up her highly-awaited super smash album alongside cult leader, doofus, and fiancé Spencer, The Hills girls are breaking out like Jessica Simpson's face in her Proactiv commercials. Never the one to play copycat or trim Jason Wahler's beard, Conrad was left without any options, a book deal was the only way to go in expanding the LC empire.

Unfortunately, teenage America doesn't bother reading Pop Tart warning labels, Swiffer Wet Jet manuals, or Planned Parenting pamphlets, let alone a fictional book based on a life that was fictional to begin with. Reading a book can take days, sometimes weeks! There is no sense in going through the time and trouble when The OC, 90210, and That's So Raven complete seasons are already out on DVD.

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The Phelps Phenomenon

The Phelps Phenomenon
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (August 18, 2008)

He's the Little Engine That Could, only he's not so little. At 6'4", he topples over most of the employees at the local Home Depot and with an arm span that can wrap around Kim Kardashian's ass twice, has the machinery to swim as fast and frantic as a Cuban refugee dog-paddling his way to the Florida coast. Collecting Olympic gold medals like Brody Jenner collects STDs, he has freestyled, breaststroked, butterflied, and stolen the title of America's Greatest Hero from Howie Mandell in just one week.

He's a record breaker, moneymaker, gold-taker, and shoulder-shaker; he's Michael Phelps.

Only 23 years-old and he's already flashing more gold medallions than a Colombian drug lord, or any other athlete in the history of the Olympics for that matter. The Speed Racer is the first to ever score 8 for 8 at a single Olympic Games, and throughout the height of his popularity, has never once slept with Paris Hilton. What a feat.

A media frenzy has exploded. From every toe-dip-temperature-test to the internet porn he surfs through between swimming meets, TV cameras have broadcasted his every move, every dive, and every bowel movement, disallowing him any privacy or sanitary wipes -just as Michael Lohan would demand it if ever granted his own reality show. (I Don't Know How to Shut Up. When Will I Ever Learn That Nobody Cares? Please Look At Me! with Michael Lohan)

Program directors are making it a top priority to zoom-in on the stars and stripes on the bulge of his swimsuit, making sure all the world knows where he comes from. The United States may be the land of the fatties, with Ritalin doped-up school children and a president who looks like a chimpanzee, but the country's also home to a vicious swimming maniac of a champion who can effortlessly swipe your pot of gold, accomplishing it all on foreign soil and chlorine pools. In your face, Commies!

Americans haven't been this patriotic since Nipplegate 2004 during Super Bowl XXXVII.

It's a nationwide outbreak of The Phelps Phever; symptoms include head bursting screaming at your television, attempting to backstroke in your half-filled bathtub, throwing on a pair of swimming goggles and aSpeedo to take a trip to the grocery store, and pissing a mix of Vitamin Water and Sunny Delight. It's very easy to catch, as the excitement is spreading quickly. Parents are advised to vaccinate their infants.

As Michael Mania sweeps the nation, major million dollar endorsement deals for the young swimming soldier are beginning to follow. Nike has called and so has Geico and 1800MATTRESS. With his hairless armpits and non-existant happy trail, assumingly there are no tangles in his underground jungle, as Phelps is now the new spokesperson for Gillette razors.

Although his chin can challenge Jay Leno in a faceoff and his ears pan out like wings on a pterodactyl, that can ultimately work against him in the water, or with the ladies, his features are no hindering to his speed, agility, and universal fame.

He can mash-potatah and do the twist; Michael Phelps is capable of just about anything he sets his mind on. It's going to take a hefty amount of supersonic fairy dust to fill his shoes-- but Michael Phelps doesn't even own a pair of shoes!

Scoot Over Sally O'Malley: Madonna's 50!

Scoot Over Sally O'Malley: Madonna's 50!
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (August 16, 2008)

She can kick, stretch, kick, and contort herself into a human pretzel while wearing thigh-high boots. Madonna's 50-years-old, ladies and gentlemen.

With half a century and a couple of G-Shots under her belt, it seems the blonde ambitionist has already done it all; from being the most successful female recording artist of all time, to starring in critically ashamed movies, to smuggling Malawian babies, to kissing Britney Spears, to conceiving unibrow-children, to even releasing photo documentation of herself having sex with a dog. The woman surely fills up quite the lengthy resume.

Although some of her accomplishments in the bizz have ultimately bitten her in the ass (pun intended), like a true Superstar, Madonna continues to rise above it all. No stranger at trying anything once (Vanilla Ice, anyone?), throughout the bad choices she may have committed in her 25+ career, Lady M is still going strong. (No, really. She's like super strong. Have you seen the biceps bursting out of her sleeveless Versace dresses? She can totally take down lesbo-buddy, Rosie O’Donnell. No sweat.)

Born Madonna Louise Ciccone, Little M was raised in a suburban Michigan town in a Roman Catholic family of six. Fifty years later, as the crowned Queen of Pop, she holds a larger fan base than the original Lady Madonna herself. Immaculate Conception? Ha! Try the Immaculate Collection. A portrait of Madonna's vagina miraculously appearing on your morning toast is worth far more on eBay than what that grilled cheese sandwich with the imprint of the Virgin Mary's face ended up selling for.

She has contributed so much to the world, and it's not only with her body-moving music or her SEX book penmanship or her role in one of the best movies of all time, Desperately Seeking Susan.

As the poster child for Botox done right and an English accent done wrong, Madonna's been the go-to gal for the latest fads for years. In the beginning of her career she had little girls hanging out in malls everywhere up to their elbows in plastic bracelets, and in the late 80s made cleavage church attire. Following into the 90s, the modern day housewife was sporting a Jean-Paul Gaultier cone bra under her cashmere sweater, and because of her newfound faith, towards the end of the decade many whitebread Americans were getting Henna tattoos.

Nowadays she has everyone in Hollywood scrabbling through their grandma's sewing kit, looking for red string to tie around their wrist. Having the power to influence people into converting into a new religion; now THAT's a trendsetter!

Much to the Moral Majority's dissatisfaction, Madonna isn't going anywhere. Still dishing out top-selling albums, collaborating on tracks with the young and the studly (Mr.JT), selling out stadiums around the world, and jotting down new names in her little overstuffed black book. (Filed under "R" for "Rodriguez, Alex") Madge proves age isn't anything but a number.

After all these years, everyone is still interested. So shut up and listen, because Madonna always has something to say. Her Majesty isn't retiring her crown anytime soon. Bow down to her. Bow down.

("Who is Sally O'Malley?")

Girl You Know It's True Ooh Ooh Ooh That Ain't You

Girl You Know It's True Ooh Ooh Ooh That Aint You
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (August 14, 2008)

We can't continue to fill their heads with false hopes. You gotta teach girls when they're young; no matter how talented you may be, whether it's in acting, singing, or underwater basket weaving, if you don't have the pretty face to make yourself a star, you must settle for a spot in a dark planetarium.

At age 7, Yang Peiyi has learned just that. The little China girl was scheduled to sing a patriotic tune at the Summer Olympic Opening Ceremony in Beijing in front of the mega loads of a worldwide broadcast. But after a better look at her less-than-glamorous head shot, the tiny Hannah-Montana-wishful was pulled from the performance like a bad night at the Apollo at the very last minute.

Her munchkin features and the obvious weight problem in her baby-fat physique, were found unsatisfactory in representing the Chinese nation, and was quickly replaced by 11-year-old model/actress/gecko, Lin Miaoke, who although lacked the vocal chords, had some things Peiyi didn’t: composure, experience, and a full set of teeth.

Learning from the best performers in the US, such as Ashlee Simpson and Britney Spears, the wise elders in charge of the ceremony decided that lip-synching was the answer to their ugly dilemma, and ultimately pasted Peiyi's voice onto Miaoke's face, unbeknownst to the spectators around the globe, or the deaf.

Putting her acting skills to the test, as Peiyi belted it out behind the scenes, Miaoke simply stood in front of the international audience, gleaming and eating up instant fame and publicity, all by playing make-believe. (Pretty much how Bill O’Reilly acts in front of the mirror every morning while listening to Barbra Streisand.)

A crime has been committed. Billions of people have been deceived. If this were the United States Senate, both girls would've been impeached from office by now. But again communism plays a whole different ballgame and the girls are off the hook.

Hopefully, Miaoke does not continue performing concerts and follow in the footsteps of American Grammy-winning, leotard-sporting lip-synching super-duo, Milli Vanilli. The Chinese cannot exactly pull off a dreadlocks-waving persona; their hair is too thin.

As far as Peiyi's singing career, there isn't too much concern. She's still young, and already promises a great face for radio.

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