Gumby Makes A Career Move

Gumby Makes A Career Move
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (September 10, 2011)

It’s been over 15 years since Gumby reigned on television, delighting children and amusing adults. Now as an out of work oddly-shaped headed man decked out in green, Gumby is running low on funds and the bills are piling high, resulting to a life of crime for the once famed TV star.

Caught on video surveillance earlier this week, a fully nude Gumby was spotted attempting to rob a San Diego 711 with Pokey, his getaway horse waiting outside and ready to bolt. Unfortunately, the store’s clerk did not take the stick up seriously as the burglar proceeded, “Give me all your money! I’m Gumby, dammit!” The cashier began to laugh and Gumby ran out of the 711 in embarrassment.

Trying to put the “G” back in Gumby, it appears his act of robbery was a total dud that makes Easy E roll over in his grave in shame. However, the criminal has yet to be caught and out on the loose.

It’s a sad ending to Gumby’s True Hollywood Story. After 35 years in show-biz, seems the lavish spending and the wild parties of the 80’s with the Care Bear gang, his wingman Mr. Rogers, and then girlfriend, Rainbow Brite has caught up to his savings account and the former celebrity filed bankruptcy in 1995.

Things became really bad when the city was forced to shut off the electricity in Gumby’s home. Without a working air conditioner to keep him cool, the clay man was in grave danger of melting away and getting mopped up off the face of the earth. Gumby’s life was at stake and he needed cash now!

However, Gumby’s money-hungry mischievous deed was a very strategic career move. With the crime hitting all the media outlets, Gumby’s getting everyone talking and the publicity is sure to make him a star once again. Look out for his reunion show, Gumby Gets The Green on E.

PETA Makes A Porno

PETA Makes A Porno
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Aug 20, 2011)


Don’t eat meat, munch a rug instead. In hopes of gaining more supporters, PETA is launching a porn website inspired by raunchy rabbits, humping-hungry dogs and Jenna Jameson’s award winning film career. The animal rights group’s new XXX site will feature pictures and videos of human sexcapades as well as live streaming from the north pole titled Arctic Nights with a fully nude female polar bear on ice skates.

Knowing very well that sex sells when it comes to putting an end to animal abuse, animal testing and Joe Pesci movie sales, PETA got the idea for HornyHyenas.com after taking advice from Heidi Fleiss following the shooting of her own reality show for Animal Planet, Prostitutes To Parrots.

Sticking to their anti-fur campaign, all actresses are told to shave the power muff before filming in honor of the American bald eagle. Promoting vegetarianism, videos will also include girl-on-veg action featuring adult film star, Cucumber Cummings.

Seems People of the Ethical Treatment of Animals could care less about the ethical treatment of people, while guys worldwide alone in their room surf the site with lotion in one hand and a hamburger in the other.

America Goes Green

America Goes Green
By Chloe Dinnerolly (Aug 2, 2011)

“Pot for Patriots” is the new catchphrase for a medical marijuana clinic in Lansing, Michigan that offers a free sample of the herbal refreshment to registered voters. Yes, the weed you buy to relieve the pain caused by cancer, glaucoma, and stubbing your toe while playing hacky-sack, comes at no charge with a simple “I Voted” sticker on your Grateful Dead shirt.

Offering a little something more motivational than what politicians promise, owner of Your Healthy Choice Clinic and certified drug dealer, Shekina Pena, started the peace pipe promotion to get the public voting when elections for the city council took place last week. The people of Lansing were seen walking into voting booths surrounded by a cloud of smoke and laughing hysterically at the word, “Election”. Yet the proud voters were still able to cast a vote for Snoop Dogg for Mayor, before raiding the 7 – 11’s snack aisle.

Smoking doobies has now become as American as obesity, heart disease and shopping at Pottery Barn. So, say The Pledge of Allegiance, light up and ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.

Milk: Does the Menstrual Cycle Good

Milk: Does the Menstrual Cycle Good
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 25, 2011)

After a week’s run, a milk ad campaign featuring frantic men stocking up on milk cartons for their lady loves who are entertaining for Aunt Flow’s monthly visit has been pulled due to high criticism for being offensive, sexist, and insensitive to those who suffer from lactose intolerance.

Forget Midol. Showcasing a study that milk helps reduce PMS symptoms, the California Milk Processor Board released a commercial targeting the real victims of the bloody curse: men. Every 28 days, guys endure a sex-less week of torture resulting from their girl’s crazy demands of countless Hershey bars, whining over being too bloated to fit into her favorite Jordache jeans, and starting a shouting match every time “that skinny bitch”, Kelly Rippa is on TV.

Under the slogan, “Jugs For Jugs”, milk sympathizes and offers a calciyum solution, advising dudes to always keep cups of moo moo juice handy in case of emergency. However, results can be risky. Several women riding the crimson wave have ended up throwing the drink in their man’s face, yelling, “I don’t want no glass of milk, stupid ass! Now where’s my heating pad, so we can hop in bed and get it on?”

While most men can relate and chuckle when watching the milk commercials, women see otherwise; viewing the advertisements as offensive to the gender for their fuming mad antics during their time of the month. Ridiculed and insulted, cows working on dairy farms nationwide are boycotting their jobs, grasping their utters and proclaiming, “No means no! Enjoy osteoporosis, suckas!”

Luckily, the ad campaign was pulled before the news spread, offending other females; human, cow or (wo)manatee. Now ladies on their period can return to piling up their shopping carts with tampons, maxi pads and tons of chocolate…milk.

Brangelina Bugs Out

Brangelina Bugs Out
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 20, 2011)

No need to call the exterminator after an insect infestation in your home, the Jolie-Pitt clan will gladly take care of the bug problem for you. Award winner and blood drinker, Angelina Jolie revealed on Monday that her kids love eating crickets. Chowing down on the crispy critters as they play Xbox on their marble floor, ride their private jet around the world, and to keep busy while Mommy and Daddy slip off to the bedroom and make weird noises.

The 6 little ones drool whenever they see a Disney movie featuring Jiminy Cricket, proclaiming, “That singing and dancing bug sure looks delicious!”

Knowing very well of Brangelina’s celebrity impact, insect enthusiasts are angry and upset as the bug eating trend starts to expand. Flying off the shelves faster than bags of Cheetos, Funyuns, and sugar covered Monkey BrainZ, their favorite creepy-crawly will soon fall into the endangered species list, while dentists everywhere begin finding bug legs stuck between their patients’ teeth.

The nightly tranquil chirp of the male crickets’ mating call, advising all the ladies to call up the 1-800-LOVE-A-BUG singles line and singing Barry White songs, will soon go mute.

Although, a common snack in the Far East, crickets always considered North America as a safe haven, living the good life hopping about and never having to worry about getting their head chomped off after being grilled, fried, or dipped in chocolate. The cricket cuisine is something you’d see on Fear Factor, not on the menu at a Hollywood A-List restaurant. But obviously, fear is not a factor to the Jolie-Pitt family.

No Me Ames:Jlo And MAnt Split

No Me Ames: JLo And MAnt Split
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 18, 2011)

Ay yay yay, after seven years of a muy cliente marriage Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced. Seems the celebrity couple’s Puerto Rican pride with gringo glamour, and the many naughty nights with the wife’s big ‘ol booty wasn’t enough to make the Hollywood love last.

The devastating news comes as a shock to most, leaving chongas all over with Sharpie-drawn eyebrows running down their face in tears, while Jen’s ex, Chris Judd, is all smiles, throwing fists and hollering, “Boo-yah! Ladies love the Snug-A-Judd They all keep crawling back for more!”

With a successful career in music, movies, fashion and sitting next to the decaying Steven Tyler as an American Idol judge, critiquing young singers as they belt out Billy Ray Cyrus tunes, JLo seemed to have it all. But don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got. The former Fly Girl is now another single mother statistic struggling to make ends meet; working 5 jobs, collecting child support and living in a Beverly Hills mansion filled with nannies, maids and a professional Elmo impersonator for the kids.

The salsa king and queen will soon be seen walking down the red carpet, dressed in designer duds, and posing for the paparazzi on the way to court. Although, we have yet to know who gets what of the couple’s million dollar fortune, Marc’s divorce lawyer will be using J.Lo’s hit , “My Love Don’t Cost A Thing” as a defense.

Where's The Beef?

Where’s The Beef?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 15, 2011)

Some men are willing to admit to stuffing their pants with various objects from socks to a roll of quarters, in an effort to zoom in on their junk-in-the-front. Yet a man in South Carolina has taken the crotch padding practice a bit too far, by getting himself arrested at an Ingles grocery store last weekend for stealing various meat packages hidden inside his Scooby Doo briefs.

The seemingly well endowed shoplifter, Terry Campbell, went to the store on Saturday to pick up a few things for a backyard barbeque and was spotted shoving hot dogs, hamburger patties, and 2 large beach balls into his jeans by the grocery store manager. Campbell was chased out into the parking lot, and boldly going where no man or woman has gone before, the supermarket manager reached inside the beef thief’s pants and unveiled several Oscar Mayer products tangled in a jungle of pubes.

Attempting to flee the scene, Campbell’s “Wash Me!” written car failed to start. Putting the gear in neutral, he then proceeded to roll out like Fred Flintstone, yelling “Yabba dabba doo, bitches!”, almost running over another Ingles employee in the process. However after getting run down by police and a little old lady with a shopping cart, the ham burglar was eventually stopped.

Though before getting flipped and grilled by his new cell mate in the slammer, Campbell was first taken to the hospital. Suffering from chest pains due to high cholesterol from red meat, the doctor advised him that maybe next time he should rob the produce section if he wants to stay in good health.
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Just Say Meow

Just Say Meow
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 11, 2011)

The war on drugs has missed its mark as the cat junkie epidemic rises across the nation. With stashes hidden behind litter boxes and dealings taking place on top of tree branches, the cats on drugs craze is growing in popularity, and a dangerous habit that is ultimately lethal.

Just last week, a cat died of a heroin overdose in Boulder, Colorado after breathing in the drug smoke blown on his face by his owner, Danielle Blankenship. Danielle was only sharing the high with her furry friend like the pair did every afternoon, however Muffin’s latest fix unfortunately led to his demise.

To help stop these devastating situations from reoccurring, Animal Planet has started production of a new Intervention-like show geared solely towards felines who suffer from substance abuse issues. After rehab and aide from Dr. Drew’s own pet, Dr. Pawthorne, there’s still hope these kitties can overcome addiction and go back to tearing up curtains, leaving dead mice outside your doorstep, and playing games on their iPad in no time.

It’s best to sit down with your cat(s) at an early age after their morning tongue-bath and talk about the deadly use of illegal drugs. Although it might seem like the cool thing to do (“C’mon man, we have nine lives.”), an educated and strong-willed cat wouldn’t fall for peer pressure…just off a rooftop.

A Lemonade Stand Turns Sour

A Lemonade Stand Turns Sour
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 9, 2011)

Summer’s here and with scorching temperatures that make even Michael Moore strip down to his skives in sweat, there’s nothing more refreshing than a nice cold glass of lemonade to cool you off, quench your thirst, and keep you clothed. Yet, we unfortunately live in a dog-squeeze-dog world where last week a lemonade stand held by a trio of children in Ohio was robbed by a group of teenagers dressed in hoodies, skinny jeans, and temporary leprechaun tattoos.

The criminal activity started after one teen took a sip of the zesty drink, slammed down his glass, and demanded a refund. “What is this?! This isn’t diet! Now give me my 25 cents back!” Using his 4th grade math, the 11 year-old vendor slowly struggled counting the coins to return to the customer. Frustrated and already running late for the Dungeons & Dragons convention in Cleveland, the teenage thugs grabbed the money jar from the foldout table and drove off.

The crooks got away with $13.50 of the little ones’ hard earned money of sitting out in the sun catching second degree burns, squeezing lemons into lukewarm water, and missing a Sponge Bob marathon. If these types of burglaries continue, security cameras will soon be installed inside the cardboard constructed booths to catch the offenders in the act and to later be broadcasted on TruTV’s countdown of “World’s Most Desperate Criminals”

The kiddies were only doing their part trying to save the dwindling economy with their seasonal juice business. Times are hard enough spending the summer days with your unemployed parents at home yelling out numbers at the TV while watching The Price Is Right in pajamas. Money doesn’t grow on trees; someone needs to bring home the bacon.

However, after hearing the news of the theft, an anonymous donor gave the children $20 as a repayment. That’s a 6 dollar bonus and a Taco Bell lunch! So you see? When life hands you a lemon; make lemonade.