No Me Ames:Jlo And MAnt Split

No Me Ames: JLo And MAnt Split
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 18, 2011)

Ay yay yay, after seven years of a muy cliente marriage Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced. Seems the celebrity couple’s Puerto Rican pride with gringo glamour, and the many naughty nights with the wife’s big ‘ol booty wasn’t enough to make the Hollywood love last.

The devastating news comes as a shock to most, leaving chongas all over with Sharpie-drawn eyebrows running down their face in tears, while Jen’s ex, Chris Judd, is all smiles, throwing fists and hollering, “Boo-yah! Ladies love the Snug-A-Judd They all keep crawling back for more!”

With a successful career in music, movies, fashion and sitting next to the decaying Steven Tyler as an American Idol judge, critiquing young singers as they belt out Billy Ray Cyrus tunes, JLo seemed to have it all. But don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got. The former Fly Girl is now another single mother statistic struggling to make ends meet; working 5 jobs, collecting child support and living in a Beverly Hills mansion filled with nannies, maids and a professional Elmo impersonator for the kids.

The salsa king and queen will soon be seen walking down the red carpet, dressed in designer duds, and posing for the paparazzi on the way to court. Although, we have yet to know who gets what of the couple’s million dollar fortune, Marc’s divorce lawyer will be using J.Lo’s hit , “My Love Don’t Cost A Thing” as a defense.

Where's The Beef?

Where’s The Beef?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 15, 2011)

Some men are willing to admit to stuffing their pants with various objects from socks to a roll of quarters, in an effort to zoom in on their junk-in-the-front. Yet a man in South Carolina has taken the crotch padding practice a bit too far, by getting himself arrested at an Ingles grocery store last weekend for stealing various meat packages hidden inside his Scooby Doo briefs.

The seemingly well endowed shoplifter, Terry Campbell, went to the store on Saturday to pick up a few things for a backyard barbeque and was spotted shoving hot dogs, hamburger patties, and 2 large beach balls into his jeans by the grocery store manager. Campbell was chased out into the parking lot, and boldly going where no man or woman has gone before, the supermarket manager reached inside the beef thief’s pants and unveiled several Oscar Mayer products tangled in a jungle of pubes.

Attempting to flee the scene, Campbell’s “Wash Me!” written car failed to start. Putting the gear in neutral, he then proceeded to roll out like Fred Flintstone, yelling “Yabba dabba doo, bitches!”, almost running over another Ingles employee in the process. However after getting run down by police and a little old lady with a shopping cart, the ham burglar was eventually stopped.

Though before getting flipped and grilled by his new cell mate in the slammer, Campbell was first taken to the hospital. Suffering from chest pains due to high cholesterol from red meat, the doctor advised him that maybe next time he should rob the produce section if he wants to stay in good health.
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Just Say Meow

Just Say Meow
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 11, 2011)

The war on drugs has missed its mark as the cat junkie epidemic rises across the nation. With stashes hidden behind litter boxes and dealings taking place on top of tree branches, the cats on drugs craze is growing in popularity, and a dangerous habit that is ultimately lethal.

Just last week, a cat died of a heroin overdose in Boulder, Colorado after breathing in the drug smoke blown on his face by his owner, Danielle Blankenship. Danielle was only sharing the high with her furry friend like the pair did every afternoon, however Muffin’s latest fix unfortunately led to his demise.

To help stop these devastating situations from reoccurring, Animal Planet has started production of a new Intervention-like show geared solely towards felines who suffer from substance abuse issues. After rehab and aide from Dr. Drew’s own pet, Dr. Pawthorne, there’s still hope these kitties can overcome addiction and go back to tearing up curtains, leaving dead mice outside your doorstep, and playing games on their iPad in no time.

It’s best to sit down with your cat(s) at an early age after their morning tongue-bath and talk about the deadly use of illegal drugs. Although it might seem like the cool thing to do (“C’mon man, we have nine lives.”), an educated and strong-willed cat wouldn’t fall for peer pressure…just off a rooftop.

A Lemonade Stand Turns Sour

A Lemonade Stand Turns Sour
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 9, 2011)

Summer’s here and with scorching temperatures that make even Michael Moore strip down to his skives in sweat, there’s nothing more refreshing than a nice cold glass of lemonade to cool you off, quench your thirst, and keep you clothed. Yet, we unfortunately live in a dog-squeeze-dog world where last week a lemonade stand held by a trio of children in Ohio was robbed by a group of teenagers dressed in hoodies, skinny jeans, and temporary leprechaun tattoos.

The criminal activity started after one teen took a sip of the zesty drink, slammed down his glass, and demanded a refund. “What is this?! This isn’t diet! Now give me my 25 cents back!” Using his 4th grade math, the 11 year-old vendor slowly struggled counting the coins to return to the customer. Frustrated and already running late for the Dungeons & Dragons convention in Cleveland, the teenage thugs grabbed the money jar from the foldout table and drove off.

The crooks got away with $13.50 of the little ones’ hard earned money of sitting out in the sun catching second degree burns, squeezing lemons into lukewarm water, and missing a Sponge Bob marathon. If these types of burglaries continue, security cameras will soon be installed inside the cardboard constructed booths to catch the offenders in the act and to later be broadcasted on TruTV’s countdown of “World’s Most Desperate Criminals”

The kiddies were only doing their part trying to save the dwindling economy with their seasonal juice business. Times are hard enough spending the summer days with your unemployed parents at home yelling out numbers at the TV while watching The Price Is Right in pajamas. Money doesn’t grow on trees; someone needs to bring home the bacon.

However, after hearing the news of the theft, an anonymous donor gave the children $20 as a repayment. That’s a 6 dollar bonus and a Taco Bell lunch! So you see? When life hands you a lemon; make lemonade.

Big Poppa's On Twitter

Big Poppa's On Twitter
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 30, 2011)

SMH, the Pope is now on Twitter. Under the name “BigPoppa”. Pope Benedict XVI made his first tweet on Tuesday promoting the Vatican’s new website, blessing his followers, and proving that age ain’t nothing but a number. At 84, dressed in a white robe with a Lady Gaga inspired hat, Benny is still down with the young, trendy, and hip kids, reporting on Twitter from his baptized iPad and showing the globe that religion rocks. Mama Mary didn’t raise no fool.

The Holy Father joined the social network to better connect with Catholics worldwide, spread the word of God to the masses, and tweet pictures of The Vatican’s daily Eucharist, posting, “Nom nom nom! The body and blood of Christ! Yum!”

In this digital age, everything’s now on your computer screen, from PerezHilton’s celebrity news, to talking fruit on YouTube, to the Sunday sermons of priests, bishops, and cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church. You’ll never have to race to Confession again after a wild night of drinking 2 for 1 shots, stealing a box of Fig Newtons from grandma, and hooking up with Danny Bonaduce, since the sacred guilt box is now at your fingertips. Plus, those who retweet any of BigPoppa’s biblical posts will get their Twitter page splashed with virtual holy water.

To better fit in with the times, the crucifix will soon have Jesus hanging from the cross wearing thick framed glasses, with a laptop in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other. The modern martyr.

It hasn’t even been a week and Big P already has over 30,000 followers. That’s one popular holy man. Won’t you follow Him…on Twitter?

RT @HotBunsNun: Praise Jesus! @BigPoppa is here and ready to fight against evil @Satan sister @SineadOConnor

Eden's Crush

Eden’s Crush
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 25, 2011)

Realizing that it’s better to burnout than fade away, 6 year-old Eden Wood from Toddlers & Tiaras is welcoming a move to Florida and heading for retirement, bingo marker in hand. After 2 years in the pageant world, the 3-foot tall diva dressed in sequins, feathers, and a Muppet-skinned fur coat is calling it quits.

Although, officially resigning from beauty competitions, Eden is not saying goodbye to the stage, cameras, and The South Beach Diet just yet. The bite-sized primadonna is now on tour to promote her new singing career, performing nationwide at Build-A-Bear grand openings, along with a Jonas Brothers’ cover band, and The Wiggles.

If everything goes as planned, Disney will come running and little Eden will be cursing out the paparazzi and seen club hopping on TMZ in no time. Cha-ching! However, Eden’s rise to fame isn’t going to get in the way of a normal childhood since success at an early age never messed anyone up. Right, Leif?

Already the star of TLC’s reality show and author of her own book, Eden has her mom to thank for entering her in the pageant profession filled with crowns, sashes, trophies, and mascara running tears. It’s important for young girls to understand early on; it’s what’s on the outside that counts. True beauty comes from layers of makeup, spray-on tans, wigs, false teeth, and 10 pounds of glitter. Then, maybe one day you too will get your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, right next to the late and great Gary Coleman.

What The Cluck?

What The Cluck?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 21, 2011)

In helping fight the diabetic epidemic that’s stuffing-the-face of Americans across the nation, a KFC in Utah is donating $1 to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation for every Mega Jug sold at the fast-food joint. A fancy name for a half gallon of Pepsi, the Mega Jug contains 50 spoons of sugar, 800 calories and countless BBW dreams. For only $2.99, it’s a Biggest Loser application in a cup.

Oh, the savory twist of yummy tummy irony. A disease caused by high levels of blood sugar, diabetes is brought on by poor eating habits, lack of exercise, and watching Avatar. KFC’s famous secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices of artery-clogging goodness, is the last place next to the smoking sections at Disney World to condone healthy living.

However, not everything on the KFC menu will send Jillian Michaels breathing fire and flapping her wings in an angry food tossing rampage. If you’re watching your weight and concerned about your fully-clothed beach bod, order the coleslaw. Underneath the gallon of mayonnaise and cups of whole milk, there are vegetables there…somewhere.

Diabetes may make you go blind, lose your feet, and have you stabbing your finger daily to check blood sugar levels but the KFC Big Box Meal dinner of 2 drumsticks, popcorn chicken, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, home-styled biscuits, topped with a 64oz Mega Jug’s mega sweetness, was so worth it.

Now that’s finger licking good

The Bunny That Got Away

The Bunny That Got Away
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 17, 2011)

It’s the heartbreak hotel filled with half-naked, freshly waxed, squeezed, and eager-to-please girls at the Playboy Mansion after the King Playboy himself, Hugh Hefner, was dumped by his gold-digging and silicone-styling 25 year-old fiancée, Crystal Harris, just days before the couple’s planned nuptials this weekend.

With the bride’s change of heart and feelings towards cleaning her husband’s bedpan on a daily basis, the wedding is now off. However, there’s no telling if Hef kept all the receipts for the grand ceremony. Everything has already been paid for, from the pink frou-frou Romona Kevez wedding gown to the lavish 5 tier cake, to Crystal’s new 32DDs.

The catastrophic split also caused the television special, Marrying Hef, on Lifetime - a network where Hef’s peers and former girlfriends from the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s could tune in to watch before putting away their teeth prior to bed- to be cancelled.

Seems the $1,000 weekly allowance Crystal received for her hard day’s work of doing absolutely nothing, spent on Jimmy Choo’s, Milano handbags and personalized diamond rings for her cat, just wasn’t enough for the runaway bride.

It’s also rumored Crystal has allegedly been hopping into the arms, bed, and groin of another, younger and wrinkle-free man, Dr. Phil’s son, Jordan McGraw. When asked for comment, Dr. Phil stated, “That’s my son, y’all! This will be great for my show!”

Alas, Crystal Harris proves to be another dumb blonde, obviously failing out of Gold Digging 101 before her run with Hef, the ultimate Splenda Grandpappy there is. Crystal only needed to stick it out a few years as Mrs. Hefner, reminding her hubby to take his daily pills of Centrum Silver, Citracal, and Viagra and before long would be shooting a nudie Forbes cover, wrapped in cash, after collecting millions and millions in life insurance payments.

Heartbroken and distressed, Hugh is now said to be hooking up with Betty White on the rebound and spending hours alone in his room with his Miracle Ear on, listening to Taylor Swift albums, choking back tears, and proclaiming, “That’s so true, Taylor! That’s so true!”

Hef first spotted the Playmate back in 2009 putting the “tramp” in trampoline, bouncing on the infamous Playboy springs topless. It was love at first, second, and third base. However, just because the silver fox is (much) older does not mean he’s wiser. Making the devastating mistake of giving monogamy a go, Hef proposed to Crystal on Christmas last year beside the fire, sipping eggnog, enjoying some stocking-shaped sugar cookies, and a Happy Holidays Hand Job.

Now Kody Brown from Sister Wives can tell you, one-on-one relationships never work. Dude’s gotta have his backups. Sadly though, at 85, Hef seems to be suffering from severe memory loss and rational thinking, forgetting all about the fantasy life he once had and all the boobies that kept him warm at night.

Ultimately, Crystal believes a marriage to a multi-millionaire will hurt the image of her so-called music career. With her new single, “An Amazing Publicity Stunt That’s Sure To Get Me Famous!” to hit the airwaves on Monday, look out for her new reality show, “Keeping Up With The Cash” that’s in the works and planned to air on E! this fall.

Your Cat Is Cooler Than You

Your Cat Is Cooler Than You
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 6, 2011)

Your cat is cooler than you -and it has nothing to do with the Michael Bolton greatest hits CD you play in the car every day. Thanks to Friskies, little Whiskers now shops at Urban Outfitters, listens to Belle & Sebastian on vinyl and combs a faux hawk between his ears during his morning tongue bath, since the cat food brand has just released a new iPad app exclusively for felines.

After clawing up the furniture, sparking ground shaking sneeze attacks, and smothering babies in their sleep, cats can now scratch up the $700 screen of the iPad you saved weeks of Subway paychecks to get. With games like “Cat Fishing”, “Tasty Treasure Hunt” and “This Is So Much Cooler Than A Ball Of Yarn”, the hot expensive toy even has Mr. Bigglesworth’s celebrity endorsement.

However, not everyone is happy with the new hipster cat craze. Outraged and jealous, dogs everywhere are demanding “Duck Hunt”, “Chewy Shoe-y”, and “Mailman Madness” iPad game apps to be made and sold. Pet stores now must go high-tech with their supplies because those litter boxes that amazingly clean themselves are so last year.

The Aristocats were right, everybody does want to be a cat.