In Jesus Name He Sprays

In Jesus Name He Sprays
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 16, 2012)

Following the 11th Commandment of the original lost list of 15, “Thou shall always smell good”, the Pope is having a sacred scent made just for him. With the help of perfume designer, Silvana Casoli, Benny’s Body Splash is in the works and said to be a mix of hints of lime tree, verbena, and a touch of Holy Water.

Once the fragrance is complete, Pope Benedict will begin his new spiritual ritual after his morning prayers and Body of Christ omelette. Kneeling in front of his “Hang In There” poster of a crucified Jesus, The Pope will take his Benny’s Body Splash bottle and make the sign of the cross with a squirt on the forehead, chest, and shoulder to shoulder. Cleanliness is godliness; The Pope needs this cologne for his holy image.

The nose of God is always sniffing. There’s a reason the Church always has candles and incense lit. At 84, Pope Benedict can’t hide the old people smell that reeks on his robes anymore. It’s Catholic law, stinking is a sin. Bad BO will send you straight to hell. Heaven does not want you leaving stank on its Febreze scented clouds and Pine Sol cleaned floors.

This all comes just in time for Vatican fashion week starting on Easter Sunday in April. The Big Poppa fashion line is set to hit the runway with nuns decked out in silk robes, extravagant hats, and blinged out crucifix jewelry. Doing good never looked so good. In the Church’s fight against evil, the Big Poppa collection is sure to run JLo out of business. Hallelujah!

Whether he’s taking confessions from the Jersey Shore cast, teaching exorcism how-to classes or meeting Bono for coffee, with Benny’s Body Spray, The Pope is covered. So take a big whiff. Amen.


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Big Poppa's On Twitter

Big Poppa's On Twitter
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 30, 2011)

SMH, the Pope is now on Twitter. Under the name “BigPoppa”. Pope Benedict XVI made his first tweet on Tuesday promoting the Vatican’s new website, blessing his followers, and proving that age ain’t nothing but a number. At 84, dressed in a white robe with a Lady Gaga inspired hat, Benny is still down with the young, trendy, and hip kids, reporting on Twitter from his baptized iPad and showing the globe that religion rocks. Mama Mary didn’t raise no fool.

The Holy Father joined the social network to better connect with Catholics worldwide, spread the word of God to the masses, and tweet pictures of The Vatican’s daily Eucharist, posting, “Nom nom nom! The body and blood of Christ! Yum!”

In this digital age, everything’s now on your computer screen, from PerezHilton’s celebrity news, to talking fruit on YouTube, to the Sunday sermons of priests, bishops, and cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church. You’ll never have to race to Confession again after a wild night of drinking 2 for 1 shots, stealing a box of Fig Newtons from grandma, and hooking up with Danny Bonaduce, since the sacred guilt box is now at your fingertips. Plus, those who retweet any of BigPoppa’s biblical posts will get their Twitter page splashed with virtual holy water.

To better fit in with the times, the crucifix will soon have Jesus hanging from the cross wearing thick framed glasses, with a laptop in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other. The modern martyr.

It hasn’t even been a week and Big P already has over 30,000 followers. That’s one popular holy man. Won’t you follow Him…on Twitter?

RT @HotBunsNun: Praise Jesus! @BigPoppa is here and ready to fight against evil @Satan sister @SineadOConnor