A Royal Flush

A Royal Flush
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 28, 2011)

A guest has just been crossed off the list to the biggest event across the pond and on the TV sets all over the world. Cameron Reilly, a Scots Guardsman set to work during the royal wedding of Prince William & Kate Middleton, was fired earlier this week after bashing the bride and future princess on his Facebook calling her nasty names such as “Stuck Up Cow” and “Posh Bitch“, making Victoria Beckham answer, “Yes, Mel B?”

It seems the polite wave Kate gave the stone-faced chap outside Will’s residence last Friday night wasn’t enough of a friendly greeting. Still furious about never once being invited inside Buckingham Palace for tea and crumpets with the Queen after a hard day of standing in his fluffy bearskin hat, Reilly took to his Facebook to vent out his frustration.

Forgetting he’s not Kanye West and that he worked for the British monarchy where freedom of speech and Kate Middleton and Taylor Swift slurs don’t exist, Reilly’s crude comments ultimately cost him his job, a whole lotta money, and a 2 second spot on “Fashion Police Royal Wedding” getting heckled by Joan Rivers.

The night his remarks surfaced, Reilly was spotted by Prince Harry who was having a pint at the pub with his military mates. The fiery red head known as Britain’s Crowned Bad Boy went up to the jukebox, put on Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”, approached Reilly and asked, “Pardon me lad, but aren’t you that bloke talking rubbish about my brother’s girl?”

The prince cracked his knuckles and continued, “How would you like to be my new whipping boy?” Suddenly Harry and his buddies tackled and started a brawl with Reilly, who was left with 1 black eye, 5 missing teeth and 2 badly swollen testicles.

However, it’s hard to take the guardsman’s insults seriously as most of Reilly’s Facebook comments are filled with spelling errors and completely unintelligible. Seems the anti-royal rebel flunked out of his first year in primary school or no habla ingles as he continually refers to Kate as “hur”.

Luckily, finding a replacement at the last minute wasn’t much of hassle, as Simon Cowell will proudly take Reilly’s place. Jolly good!

Saved By The Dog

Saved By The Dog
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 19, 2011)

An angel disguised as a talking gorilla dressed in a black leather vest, sunglasses, studded bicep bracelet and a long golden power mullet, came down from Biker Heaven and saved the once famous Nicholas Cage by posting his bail last weekend after getting arrested for domestic violence, public intoxication and 2007‘s Ghost Rider.

After an 8 hour lock-up sharing a toilet with Mel Gibson’s former cellmate, Nic used his one phone call to contact his TBH BFF, Duane “Dog” Chapman, to rescue him. Immediately putting his 4-man chase of The Hamburglar surrounding a Denver McDonald’s to a halt, Dog rushed to be at his friend’s side with $11,000, a camera crew and a bottle of L’Oreal’s Sublime Bronze.

Now if there’s anything the A&E macho believes in its hairspray, and the legalization of washed-up movie stars smacking around their wives while liquored-up on Zima out on the streets of New Orleans. What were those Louisiana police trying to pull? It wasn’t like the crime was anything serious; the NOPD acted as if this were a local Dunkin Donuts heist.

Dog and Nic first met a few years back at a Hair Club For Men in LA, where Dog held a seminar giving baldies tips and secrets behind his mighty mane. The pair have been buds ever since, spending time together shopping for motorcycles, going to Elvis conventions, and enjoying romantic candlelit dinners at Outback Steakhouse.

Unfortunately Nic Cage has recently filed bankruptcy. Seems like the box-office crap the actor released in the last 10 years has been a bad investment. The Academy Award Winner even pawned off his Oscar for some extra cash to pay for the Big Mouth Billy Bass in his living room

It’s still nice to know Nic’s got a friend in high places. City of Angels 2: Back With Avenges.

Boozing Juvies Go Goo Goo

Boozing Juvies Go Goo Goo
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 14, 2011)

A waitress in a Detroit Applebee’s is about to lose her job and face a hefty fine for serving a minor alcohol without properly checking for ID first. Looking past the customer’s high-chair, binky, and “iPood” bib, the server poured a (non-virgin) margarita into the sippy cup of a 15 month old baby.

The parents of the toddler were unaware of their son’s underage drinking at the family friendly turned pub for tots restaurant till the child began acting strangely, making passes at fat chicks, stripping down to his diaper, and ultimately passing out in front of his untouched plate of Macaroni & Cheese, to later wake up with “BALLS” written on his forehead.

Concerned about her child’s erratic behavior, the mother took her youngin’ to the hospital where it was found the amateur-alkie had a .10 blood alcohol rating. Luckily the doctors caught this before the tyke got behind the wheel, putting grasshoppers and squirrels on the road in danger, and eventually getting charged with a TUI: Tricycling Under The Influence.

Turns out earlier that evening, when the Applebee’s waitress took the boy’s drink order, “apple juice” was misraken for “happy juice” and an alcoholic beverage was served to the little one instead. An awful slip-up or a helpful fix? We all know the pressures on babies these days, from the stresses of potty training to the hassles of the alphabet to The Wiggles tour not stopping at your town, sometimes you need a little something to take the edge off.

Although the Patron Prince was nowhere near 21, take it from R.Kelly, age ain’t nothing but a number. This is America. Children elsewhere all over the globe are breaking their back working in sweatshops, factories, and Cambodia Cinnabons. Not allowing a kid from the good ol’ USA to have a beer after a tough day of counting to ten, finger painting, and watching Sesame Street is just preposterous. Why must these ridiculous drinking laws crush the American Dream?

We salute you Applebee’s: Where A Kid Can Be A Drunk

Ditch The Rosary, Grab A Pole

Ditch The Rosary, Grab A Pole
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 24, 2011)

Tired of praying for the winning lottery ticket, to lose 50 pounds off a diet of pizza and ice cream, or for Johnny Depp to fall madly in love with you, only to be ignored? Fortunately, there is a more direct way in getting your prayers answered and it doesn’t include any goody-goody deeds to get His attention. Pole Dancing For Jesus, the latest trend coming from Texas, is a workout class taught by fitness instructor/former stripper Crystal Deans, that teaches church-going women how to spin around, slither down and work a pole, for who else but Jesus Christ.

Dressed in their Sunday best, hot pants, a tank and six-inch heels, these ladies are schooled to grind, lap dance and successfully grab cash off the floor using their butt cheeks, all in God’s good name. Strutting their stuff to funky Christian music; your body is a temple so show us what you got. It’s time to spread your legs wide and open yourself up to the Lord.

Classes for Pole Dancing For Jesus are held on the Sabbath day of each week and you must provide your church program to get in the exclusive religious course. Let’s face it, church is boring with everyone in those big robes that are so unflattering to your figure. Time to spice the worship up! Step Into the light of the lord with light up pumps.

Have the man upstairs saying, “Bless you, child” while making the man you’re married to scream out, “Hallelujah!” with these new sexy moves. However, practice makes perfect, so it’s best to get your own personal pole to keep next to your rosary, Bible and Strip Aerobics DVD.

Also, no saggies or flatties, get a boob job and lift them up to the Lord

Living In Luxury: Doing It Doggy Style

Living In Luxury: Doing It Doggy Style
By Chloe Dinnerrollu (Marcn 20, 2011)

It’s a dog’s life, and for Mariah Carey’s JJ, Dolomite, Jackie, and Cha-Cha, it’s a fabulous one. The pop superstar may be known for her angelic singing voice, but she is famous for her prima-donna antics. Diva Supreme Mariah demands a throne to sit on during album signings, her own custom toilet paper when traveling, and hired an assistant just to hold her drinks. Why should her pups be treated any different?

Yes, it’s The Real House Dogs of Beverly Hills. These prized pooches enjoy their daily manicures, massages and rawhide-aroma bubble baths and cruising around in limos or their own private jet to be with mommy wherever she may be. These high-class canines play fetch with diamond encrusted tennis balls, sleep on king sized beds topped with Egyptian-cotton sheets, and are surrounded by an entourage that caters their every need including a personal doggy-treat chef, 3 butt-scratchers and 2 well-paid legs to hump.

Now with Mariah 8 months pregnant with twins, the chart topper worries her Fab Four doggies may become jealous and resentful with the babies’ soon arrival. Realizing this serious business needs to be handled by someone certified in dealing with these issues, Mariah did what any responsible pet owner would do; send her dogs to therapy.

At their first meeting, therapist to the pet stars, Dr. Pawthorne -who regularly sees Tinkerbell Hilton and Sophie Cyrus- asked JJ, Dolomite, Jackie, and Cha-Cha to vent their concerns and frustrations towards the upcoming babies. The four swiftly replied, “Ruff!”, then went back to sniffing their assistant’s crotch. At the end of the appointment, the dogs were asked to use a new daily mantra and repeat, “A baby’s head is not a chew toy” everyday as homework.

However, during the second session with the Careys, Dr. Pawthorne found out the expected twins weren’t the real reason these dogs were in therapy. As Cha-Cha confessed after being bribed with Beggin’ Strips, the four accidentally caught the movie, Glitter while on a flight to London and have been distraught ever since. “It’s just so hard to see your master, someone you hold in such high regard, perform so poorly” said Cha-Cha with a sorrow howl.

Though there’s still hope for the four-legged royals. Just like audiences around the globe have, with work, the pups can overcome this traumatic experience and return to their lavish lifestyle in peace. Livin’ it better than you, me, and Bo Obama pooping on the White House lawn.

Touchdown Dolphins!

Touchdown Dolphins!
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 14, 2011)

The Miami Dolphins have been a joke of the NFL for years and no one’s more upset than the actual dolphins of South Florida for the bad name the team has given them. The dolphins have had enough of the negative reputation Ricky Williams and Brandon Marshall give and are striking back.

On Sunday afternoon a boat tour cruised around Marco River, while underwater a dolphin pod overheard a group of people talking about football. A woman proclaimed, “Yeah, the dolphins suck!” Fuming with anger, one dolphin jumped onto the boat and fiercely tackled the woman. With his voice in high-pitched evil laughter he shouted, “Don’t you be talking about dolphins like that, beyotch! We’ll cut you! We’ll cut you!”

It took officers from the Isles of Capri Fire Department, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission and the Collier County Sheriff's Office to get the sea beast back into the water. The injured woman remains unidentified but suffers from a sprained ankle, and will forever be known as “That Lady Who Got Pwned By A Dolphin”

Don’t let the losers on Monday Night Football in teal and orange fool you, dolphins can be tough. Why should sharks get all the credit as the bad boys of the ocean? An adult dolphin weighs 600 pounds and can smack you around with its brutal tail, leaving you bloody with broken bones.. Each player of the Miami Dolphins wears up to 15 pounds in gear; a real Dolphins wear none. A helmet, pads and a cup aren’t needed. Dolphins have been trying to lose their goody-good image for years. The dingo didn’t eat your baby Meryl, the dolphin did.

Unfortunately, dolphins have always had The Brady Bunch stereotype, like Flipper, or the lucky bottlenosed-dudes of Sea World, living the luxurious life, constantly getting their picture snapped, living in crisp clean tanks and eating all the fresh fish they want. All the while the wild ones get no respect. Dolphins are tired of being the laughing stock of the animal kingdom because of Miami.

It’s time for a change. Take this as a warning.


Source

Polygamy TV

Polygamy TV
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 10, 2011)

Like Tommy Lee discovering a crabs colony inside his shorts every week, they’re baaack! A family that easily puts the Kardashians arguing over who had the last jelly donut to shame, Sister Wives has returned for a second season on TLC starting this Sunday.

Yes, the reality-show documenting a polygamist relationship(s) revolving around one man with 4 wives and 13 children is again out to prove that sharing is caring, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, “Winning”.

Sister Wives’ Brown family is of the Mormon faith living in Lehi, Utah, far from the hustle and bustle of crazy monogamous city life. As the Spice Girls once said, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends” and in Mormon translation “friends” means “wives”. Two-timing, three-timing, four-timing, or more, is a religious practice such as going to church, prayer, and shoplifting the pootie for Jesus. In the eyes of God, marriage is all about love, commitment and nightly video-taped threesomes.

Just as it is seen and taught on the show, whether you have a face for Vogue or Fug Weekly, polygamy doesn’t discriminate. No matter what your reflection shows or the things people at Wal-Mart’s check-out say, every chap holds equal rights to the glory of PlayersVille. With 18 people crammed inside the Brown home, it certainly is a full house. Yet, mac daddy, Kody Brown looks nothing like Full House star and heartthrob, John Stamos, and instead resembles the chubby goofy other dude, Uncle Joey, who traded in his mullet for layers and 4 sets of boobies.

If you’re worried about the kids of Sister Wives, don’t be. There are 13 of them, so they’ll never get lonely. It’s not like they’re starved for their father and biological mother’s attention. Daddy cannot be bothered; he has new tail to chase and mommy already has enough on her plate bringing up 6 children that aren’t hers.

Let’s get real. A marriage between a man and one woman never works out, just look at mom and dad, Jon and Kate Gosselin, or the tragic split of Hulk and Linda Hogan. A smart man needs his back-ups; collecting insurance at the chapel is a brilliant Idea, right next to the invention of the ShamWow.

Single ladies! How many times have you been left disappointed after meeting Mr. Perfect at the 7-Elevan Slurpee station, only to spot a wedding band on his finger while holding up his Big Gulp? Total bummer. Luckily, Kody Brown and plenty of other married men in Utah are signed onto Match.com and looking for (another) special someone since silly things like fidelity never matters in a relationship. You’ll be living every little girl’s dream as “Wife #5”, cooking 20 servings of pot roast, raising an army of children and cleaning toilets in no time.

TLC stands for “The Learning Channel”, so learn something.

Inmate Lohan Returns (Pre-Production)

Inmate Lohan Returns (Pre-Production)
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb. 4, 2011)

Looks like Lindsay Lohan may need to file as permanent resident to Cell Block C for this year's taxes. After only 6 months since her last release, Lindsay may be heading back to The Slammer On Rodeo and it's not for the catfight that exploded with a Betty Ford staffer in December over a cup of pee.

The once actress turned spinning cyclone of disaster, allegedly did a Winona Ryder and stole a gold necklace worth $2,500. If charged with the, what David Copperfield calls "amateur", disappearing act, Lindsay is in violation of her parole which accounts as a one-way luxury-class ticket back to a cold, dark, VIP jail cell.

Regardless, it will still be nice to see old friends again, like Lindsay's BBF (Behind Bars Friend) Joy, sentenced to life for murder, and the rest of the gang. Nothing wrong with wearing an orange jumpsuit all the time; it saves a bundle on dry-cleaning. It's also not like Lindsay's bothered by handcuffs. She has her own pair kept in her bedroom nightstand that are used frequently. Prison is a ca/oke walk.

Unfortunately, Lindsay's acting career was put to an end before the age of 21. After going nude in the crapper-thriller I Know Who Killed Me back in 2007, Lindsay broke the first rule of the game. Didn't she ever read, Men Are From Mars? Her male fans quickly became bored. ("Yawn. Already saw 'em.") It's not like her talent lies elsewhere and soon the audience lost interest, leaving other ways for Lindsay to make the covers of magazines again.

The daughter Mickey Rourke never had and a chick Charlie Sheen never banged, Lindsay wears the label of "Hollywood's Bad Girl" like a Dior last season slightly-stained cocktail dress. Lindsay does what it takes to stay in the limelight, even if that calls for 8 glasses of vodka, a few swipes of cocaine and the bad dancing in the music video for Rumors. (Better leave that to Beyonce, baby girl) With each arrest is another new career move that gets everyone talking, from Ryan Seacrest to Dr. Drew to Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser.

Like most child stars, the parents hold part of the blame for Lilo's reckless and Amy Winehouse-inspired behavior. Her father feeds his own Z-list fame selling out his daughter's failures, her mother makes excuses to the media for Lindsay's actions in hopes of getting a gig with Oprah and Girl Scouts just discontinued her favorite bingeing food, Thank You Berry Much cookies; it's no wonder she drinks. With a home life like that, I would be begging to be locked up too. Not everyone from Disney has a Cinderella ending, so listen up Selena Gomez!

Although, it now seems Lindsay Lohan may never win Oscar gold, don't feel like her work in Herbie Fully Loaded has been snubbed just yet, Linds already snuck and took a statue home with her a few years ago after a party in Meryl Steep's house.

Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got; she's still Lindsay from the block - Cell Block C!

Kim Kardashian Kares

Kim Kardashian Kares
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 26, 2011)

It's pretty simple becoming a new MTV Teen Queen these days. There's no need for singing, dancing or Justin Bieber shoelace-tying abilities. All you gotta do is pop out a baby before the age of 17 and you bagged yourself your own hot show and a glamorous new career

Any girl can do it. MTV will come running. You'll get a camera crew following you around in no time and your face on the covers of all the hip magazines like "Us", "People", and "Martha Stewart Living" in only 9 months! Sure beats English Lit. Michelle Duggar of 19 Kids And Counting can tell you, condoms are a waste of money, especially when you're working part-time at Dairy Queen to save up for a sparkly strapless, purple chiffon, maternity prom dress all girls envy.

But the dream of teenaged mother celebrities came crumbling down when Kim Kardashian, socialite, model, and mother of zero, took to her blog this week upset over the fact that 90 female students in a Memphis high school were either pregnant or have given birth. Like a voice of reason with a big round apple bottom, she blamed MTV and its popular show Teen Mom (A reality series that stars, nonetheless, teen moms) for its poor role models and the "Slut It Up" message it sends young girls.

Not allowing Kim to hog the spotlight, the girls of Teen Mom quickly shot back. Amber Portwood claimed the show sent a positive message to today’s youth and then went back to smacking around her ex-boyfriend in front of her child, making sure the cameras were around to catch her next arrest. What ratings! Another cast member, Farrah Abraham, even slammed Kim Kardashian for poising in Playboy, her sex tape and all the things that are so 2007 and did when she was old enough to vote, drink, and see rated R movies.

However, teen girls purposely getting pregnant to land a job is a slippery slope that can land you a plush seat in MTV offices or an unwanted chair next to Maury. Girls need to be careful. Unfortunately MTV has lost 95% credibility once the network started airing Jersey Shore. (Who needs music on a channel named Music TV, anyway?)

Although teen pregnancy seems like the trend nowadays doesn’t make it a good idea, just look at jeggings, Crocs, and the Snuggie. Kim Kardashian got two reality shows without a baby and both shows even got her name in the title. There are plenty of women on television who didn’t need to use pregnancy to get a TV deal, just look at rerspects such as Oprah, Barbara Walters and Judge Judy.