Talk About POP! with Chloe Dinnerrolly

It's Not Delivery, It's A Marriage Proposal

2012-02-13T18:15:00.011-05:00

It's Not Delivery, It’s A Marriage Proposal
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb 13, 2012)

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore…

Make it a Valentine’s Day to remember and an engagement story to make all the junk foodies on the couch watching Weekend At Bernie’s jealous with Pizza Hut’s “Dinner Box Proposal Package”. Show your sweetheart how much you love her by getting down on one knee and slowly opening a box revealing a medium pizza with 5 breadsticks, a cup of marinara sauce and 10 cinnamon sticks. Before you can ask, “Will you marry me?”, see your honey jump for joy and scream out, “Yes! Pepperoni, my fave!”

For $10,000, along with the enchanting Pizza Hut dinner, the package also includes a ruby engagement ring, limo service, flowers, a fireworks show, photographer and videographer to capture the magic moment on camera for Pizza Hut’s next commercial and new slogan, “A Slice Of Love Under The Hut”. You may need to work extra shifts at the gas station to come up with the money but with a smoking hot pizza topped with heart-shaped mushrooms, there’s no way a girl can resist.

With grease dripping down into the river of love, nothing brings two people together like a Pizza Hut pizza. The romantic scent of tomato sauce and mozzarella sets the mood for any two lovers. If you’re looking to get lucky with the girl you met at the Laundromat earlier in the evening; leave a trail of sprinkled pepperoni slices leading to your bedroom. With a scantily clad pizza laying in bed and “Let’s Get It On” playing, the humpty hump is bound to happen. That’s a Pizza Hut guarantee.

Give Cupid the day off this Valentine’s Day and hear the wedding bells ring with the Dinner Box Proposal Package. You’ll be picking out rings and his and hers Doritos bags in no time and don’t bother worrying about catering the reception either because Pizza Hut’s got you covered. Beat that Match.com.

CLICK HERE to like and follow Talk About Pop with Chloe Dinnerrolly on Facebook

Blue Ivy Inc

2012-02-11T18:08:00.007-05:00

Blue Ivy, Inc.
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb. 11, 2012)

Crazy In Love or just plain crazy hip hop superstars and new parents, Beyonce and Jay Z, have filed paperwork to trademark their infant’s name, Blue Ivy. This will make the Carters proud owners of the moniker of their million dollar baby and prevent it from being used by fashion companies, fragrance makers or ever seen on a label of a Crayola crayon.

Putting the “Brand” in their brand new baby, having a child was another business move for the celebrity couple. In the mix of changing diapers, sterilizing bottles and reuniting Destiny’s Child for lullabies, the mogul family has plans of releasing a line of baby products under their daughter’s name. This will include clothing, bibs, carriages, diaper bags and Blue Ivy Butt Paste.

Everything the month old VIP touches, poops and spits up, turns to gold. A loaded diaper would sell for millions on Ebay.

Let’s get real, the fabulous life is expensive; from the mansions in New York, LA, and Miami to his and hers Ferraris to baby’s 1st private jet. The funds need to come from somewhere and that somewhere is Beyonce’s uterus. Just the way baby Blue milks Mama B’s tasty titties at every feeding, Blue Ivy is getting milked herself and is hard at work as the folks’ cash cow. It’s “moo moo” not “goo goo”

The red carpet was rolled out for baby Blue way before her first appearance. Ma and Pa paid to have the maternity floor fully renovated, an army of security to crack down on any non-famous patient in the hospital, and used a decoy of a baked ham in a onesie to mislead the paparazzi waiting outside. Then on January 7th with stage lights shooting across the room and babies from the hospital nursery dressed in sequins as hired backup dancers, Blue Ivy Carter made her grand entrance popping out of Beyonce, crying out, “Can I get a waa waa?”.

With new money rolling in from Blue Ivy’s business, don’t be surprised when Beyonce and Jay Z buy a fully stocked Toys ‘R Us for their princess on Christmas or just because. Mariah, your twins have been challenged.

CLICK HERE to like and follow Talk About Pop with Chloe Dinnerrolly on Facebook

Oh hell no! Where's The Dog From Hugo?

2012-01-31T19:01:00.004-05:00

Oh hell no! Where’s The Dog From Hugo?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 31, 2012)

Spotlighting the outstanding 4-legged actors of cinema, nominations for the Golden Collar Awards have been released and at Martin Scorsese’s dismay, Blackie, the tail wagging co-star in his film Hugo, was not one of the contenders. The legendary director wrote a letter to the LA Times voicing his disappointment at the award snub. Scorsese defended Blackie’s stellar performance as a train station officer’s guard dog, who barked in a French dialect, drooled on cue, did all her own stunts and never once pooped on the set.

It’s tough getting any recognition as a black actress in Hollywood and for a Doberman, the Golden Collar nominations prove Blackie faces the same racial discrimination. Was her talent overlooked because of the color of her fur? Blackie’s breed is stereotyped as being violent, aggressive, and feast on a diet of fried chicken and watermelon. Yet, the public’s assumption couldn’t be further from the truth. The single mother to a litter of 8, Blackie balances motherhood with her career, always arriving on time for tapings and never biting Sacha Baron Cohen’s head off in frustration after flubbing his lines in take after take of shared scenes.

However, hogging up two spots in the GCA category Blackie should’ve been nominated for, is a little white boy named Uggie. The Jack Russell Terrier is nominated twice for Best Dog in a Theatrical Film for his work in both The Artist and Water For Elephants. The Tom Hanks of canines, Uggie’s mass appeal has already won him the Palm Dog Award at the Cannes Film Festival, a Facebook fan page, and his paw prints cemented at Grauman's Chinese Theater. Scandal arose last year when the pup-arazzi snapped a picture of Uggie licking himself outside a dog park on Rodeo Drive . The photos were plastered on the covers of the tabloids and mentioned on the gossip site, Teddy Hilton. Yet the publicity only pushed his career in show bizz and he is now dating Angelina Collie.

Join the fight for dog star equality and get Blackie the nomination she deserves by posting, “NOMINATE HUGO’S BLACKIE” on Dog News Daily’s Facebook page HERE. If 500 votes are given by February 6, Blackie will be seen at the Golden Collar Awards’ furry red carpet, dressed in a Versace leash and hopefully going home with a golden bone statue on the 13th.

Source

Til Death Do Us Wed

2012-01-24T19:56:00.005-05:00

Til Death Do Us Wed
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 24, 2012)

A woman in Thailand was forced to marry against her will while helplessly lying dead in a casket. The wedding vows, “Till death do us part” were completely disregarded after the groom, trying very hard not to break off any of his bride’s limbs, carefully placed a ring on her brittle finger.

The ceremony took place during Sarinya Kamsook's funeral after losing her life in a car accident earlier this month. Scoring a 2 for 1 deal with the temple, Kamsook's living boyfriend, Chadil Deffy, was able to pay his last respects and wed his corspe bride simultaneously. The nuptials took place with Kamsook cold and safe in her coffin after fears arose of the bride's body falling to pieces while getting dragged down the aisle.

Unfortunately deceased, Kamsook was unable to voice any opinion in the wedding planning from the dress, the cake, the flower arrangements or the DJ playing "Thriller" during the couple's first dance.

The groom posted the wedding video and photos on Youtube and Facebook to share with family, friends, and millions of unknown strangers. Criticism arose that the mortifying marriage wasn't an act of a hopeless romantic but a desperate ploy at a publicity stunt that has landed Deffy as the web's newest celebrity next to Keenan Cahill and the Dramatic Chipmunk. Regardless of the intention, hooking up with a dead chick is nothing new. Just ask Tom Petty.

Luckily there's no footage on how the wedding night was spent between the newlyweds or if any acts of necrophilia took place in the moment of passion, though it seems Mrs. Deffy will be spending her honeymoon alone six feet under ground while her husband sips on cocktails, alive and breathing on their couples cruise to the Caribbean islands.

Whether it beats or not, a heart is still a heart. True love never dies.

Source

1 -800- JENNY- PURRY

2012-01-18T18:39:00.012-05:00

1- 800 -JENNY- PURRY
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 18, 2012)

People aren’t the only ones making diet resolutions for the New Year after packing on pounds of glazed ham scraps, leftover beef stuffed pies, and bone shaped sugar cookies during the holidays. Taking after their owners, over 50% of dogs and cats in the US are overweight, obese, or need the Jaws of Life to peel them off the couch during a commercial break of Animal Cops to reach the litter box 2 feet away. Helping put an end to the marshmallow pup epidemic, Purina has joined forces with Jenny Craig to create Project Pet Slim Down; an online weight loss program for tubby tabbies and husky huskies battling the hefty issue of canine/feline weight loss.

With Project Pet Slim Down, dining consists of portion-controlled meals provided by Purina Veterinary Diet Food with fat free turkey bacon treats. Members receive exercising tips for their burly furry friends such as playing fetch with a 5-pound weighted Frisbee, signing up for a pet yoga class, and working out to fitness videos starring Richard Simmons doing jumpimg jacks in a glittered catsuit to Donna Summer tunes.

Users can also keep track of their weight loss progress on the website and post before and after photos of Fluffy wearing a bikini.

With better nutrition and a more active lifestyle, the weight loss program improves your pet’s health, life longevity, and overall self esteem. Everyday dogs and cats face public scrutiny as a plumpy pet. It’s hard enough watching those skinny bitches flashing their 8 nipples on America’s Next Dog Model and Gisele Meow-chen on the cover of Catsmopolitan magazine.

Whether you walk on 2 or 4 legs, life in the fat lane can be tough. Luckily those days of “Blubber Binx” and “Muffin Top Max” are over. After a month on the diet plan, results show pets can easily fit underneath coffee tables, walk around the block without getting winded and find that tight Christmas sweater Grandma knitted now too baggy.

Turn your round hound into a hot dog with buns of steel and chubby kitty into a true Pussycat Doll. With Project Pet Slim Down, your pet’s new sexy slender figure will change their image from McFatty to Mac Daddy with more butts to sniff, tails to chase, and an all around happier outlook on life. Don’t be surprised to find a gift of a dead rodent on your doorstep as a thank you.

Source

Hostess Is Hopeless: Twinkie Troubles

2012-01-14T18:41:00.005-05:00

Hostess Is Hopeless: Twinkie Troubles
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 14, 2012)

The theory of the world coming to an end in 2012 is ringing true after Hostess, the snack company that brought us Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and type 2 diabetes, has filed for bankruptcy. Taking business advice from Winnie the Pooh, the corporation hopes to climb out of the financial hole it’s stuck in, yet the possibility of the makers of packaged fatty delights closing its doors forever has the public in an outcry of fear, tears, and drool.

No ‘mo Ho Hos, oh no! Hostess’ yummy artery-clogging-goodies are a staple in the American diet and hold the #1 top spot in the food pyramid. Without Zingers, Sno Balls, and 480 calorie Fruit Pies to help build the poor eating habits this country is known for, a giant fireball of destruction will unravel, leaving millions jobless, depressed, and hungry.

Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and tapeworm diet companies will go out of business after people are left choosing a tofu vegetable salad over a box of Hostess Cupcakes for dinner. You’re fired, Mariah! Dentists will also be out of work without cavities to fill in sugar rotting teeth. And so much for enjoying watching fatties on TV trip and fall face first on a moving treadmill on The Biggest Loser. Yet, it’s the poor, defenseless, children who will suffer the worst of the Hostess apocalypse, having to resort to an apple as an after school snack and Frogs On A Log as a special weekend treat.

Hopefully, the Occupy Twinkie movement has been put together, as protesters camp outside 7-Elevens, Kwik Stops, and behind the sofa demanding snack equality, employment, and mini cakes with cream filling. American consumers are also asked to stock up now on Hostess chubby cuisine food products in case of disaster. Hurry! Don’t let the dime-a-deal snubbers on Extreme Couponing cheat you out of lifetime supply of Ding Dongs!

However, Little Debbie could not be happier with the news of Hostess’ bankruptcy and already in the works renovating her throne of shelves as the new Queen B of the grocery store’s snack aisle. That bitch.

Source

Kim, Kourtney & Khloe Take Toys 'R Us

2012-01-07T17:20:00.005-05:00

Kim, Kourtney & Khloe Take Toys ’R Us
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 7, 2012)

You see them everywhere; on TV, magazine covers, the red carpet, and soon next to Mr. Potato Head on the shelf of toy stores worldwide. After striking a deal with Mattel Inc, Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian will be made into limited-edition Barbie dolls, crashing the legendary fashionista’s hot pink Dream House with useless drama and a camera crew later this year. Soon, little girls can play brainless bimbo reality show, hold tea parties with the Kardashians fighting over the last crumpet, and shoot a sex tape with Kim and a GI Joe .

Doing away with the completely unrealistic 39”/19”/33” Barbie image, the Kardashian dolls will reflect the sassy sisters actual sizes with extra filling in the badunkadunk of Kim’s figurine and a pregnant belly for Kourtney, while Khloe’s doll will simply use Ken’s body in a brunette wig. The toy trio will also come with Kardashian designed clothes, including low-cut leopard print tops, shiny black leggings, and a mini version of Kim’s strapless, poofy, ill-fated wedding dress. Bug-eyed sunglasses, BlackBerrys, and divorce papers accessories sold separately.

For over 50 years, Barbie has been showing off her vocational gifts in different careers, from a lifeguard to an astronaut to a McDonald’s cashier and more. What is that teaching today’s youth? Hard work can make you successful? Don’t be ridiculous. Scuba diving, flying planes and deep frying chicken nuggets is not going to land you a coveted spot on Toddlers & Tiaras. It’s important for children to learn at an early age, no matter what Barney says, you can be famous for doing absolutely nothing. America’s got talent, but the Kardashians sure don’t. Yet they have millions of dollars, fans, and boxes of Twinkies. It’s time to keep it real and the launch of the Dash Dolls will do just that.

As the Kardashian’s empire continues to expand, there is no telling what to expect. Already hitting the female demographic with Kardashian Barbie dolls, Kardashian blow up dolls for boys to “play” with seems profitable. Will a move from KB Toy Stores to sex toy stores be next? Find out next Sunday at 10pm on E!

Source

Rolling Back Prices With Every Swing

2011-12-31T14:48:00.007-05:00

Rolling Back Prices With Every Swing
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 31, 2011)

Let’s get ready to rumble! A Walmart greeter in Batavia, New York, got greeted herself with a punch in the face from a fist-flying customer. The elderly employee and busted up victim, Grace Suozzi, simply asked to see the shopper’s receipt at the store exit. However, Jacquetta Simmons took the request as a T.K.O. invite that landed Suozzi in the hospital with multiple facial fractures, painful swelling and a missed night at Bingo. Flawless Victory!

With Suozzi out cold on the floor, Simmons fled but was stopped in the parking lot by Walmart workers, shoppers, and spectators who had placed bets on the brawl. It was discovered her receipt showed her purchases of the Road House DVD, smiley face socks and bundles of bananas were paid for. No theft of any kind. Yet Simmons remains silent on why she went Rocky Balboa on Suozzi, because the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The 70 year-old retiree started working at Walmart a few months ago to save up enough money to pay for vaginal rejuvenation surgery that wasn’t covered by Medicare. (The sugar walls are sagging; it’s time for a lift.) Yet it appears her friends at the senior center were right. Suozzi was better off taking a job as a school crossing guard, trading in her blue vest uniform for a neon one and a broken nose for a STOP! sign.

The location where the granny beat down took place is not surprising, though. Better known as a popular hangout for the bored, weird, and fashionably handicapped, Walmart lures in the most bizarre. Why not turn the store into a boxing ring? Out of stock on Charmin toilet paper and the gloves are off!

“Welcome to Walmart! How may I help you?” – now them be fightin’ words.

Source

From Facebook To The Jail Books

2011-12-28T19:42:00.005-05:00

From Facebook To The Jail Books
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 28, 2011)

It’s a digital age we live in nowadays, with children listening to The Wiggles’ Greatest Hits on their iPod, nuns texting the word of God during morning prayers, and Grandpa setting his next urologist appointment on his iPad 2. Everything is as simple as a push of a button, even when it comes to a crime investigation.

A Pittsburg market was burglarized by four thieves earlier this month. The robbers got away with $8,000 in cash, cigarettes and 100 bags of Skittles. It was mission accomplished for the gang, with a trip to Disney World planned, till one member posted pictures of the pocket-posse with all their stolen goodies on his Facebook page. Turns out the thoughtless thug, Isaiah Cutler, forgot to change the privacy settings on his Facebook account. The photos were made public and provided the police solid evidence for their arrest. No Law & Order detective work needed; the cops didn’t even have to put down their jelly donuts. Case solved.

Bored of flipping through MAD magazine and played out on Super Mario, the amateur burglars were just looking for something to do on their winter break from school. A store robbery was the answer! The group was made up of two 14 year-olds, a 17 year-old, and Cutler as the eldest and dumbest at 18. The other 3 will serve their short sentence for grand theft as juveniles before heading back to the 8th grade while Cutler will be tried as an adult, and likely ruled a new life in handcuffs, picking up trash off the freeway, and becoming the newest bitch in the Pittsburg Penitentiary. Look out for his prison updates on Facebook coming soon. (Isaiah Cutler: My butt hurts. –with cellmate Stinky Pete, Isaiah Cutler: Doing the jailhouse rock! –at the Prison Yard)

Showing off their biceps and Benjamins, the after-party-raid pictures that landed Cutler in the slammer look as if they are the remains left on the cutting room floor of a poorly made hip hop video not even Vanilla Ice, with his comeback single “Ice, Ice Adult”, would participate in. The boys flash wads of cash and pose shirtless for the camera, all in hopes their Facebook Friends will click “Like” and comment on their awesomeness and glorious triumph.

However, Cutler’s lawyer claims the gangster-in-training’s images were all photo-shopped and that his client’s Facebook was hacked into. None of this would have happened on Google+.

Source

America's Got Howard

2011-12-17T23:04:00.002-05:00

America’s Got Howard
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 17, 2011)

TV’s hit, “America’s Got Talent” just got a touch of the royal treatment after The King of All Media, Howard Stern, signed on as the program’s newest judge, filling in for Piers Morgan with fart jokes, F-bombs, and boob job giveaways for bikini-stuffing-impaired contestants. The shock jock starts this summer, sitting next to Sharon Osbourne and Howie Mandel, critiquing hopefuls in the competition’s most entertaining, compelling, and STD-ridden season yet!

With Stern on board, auditions will begin showcasing new and different performances for viewers across the country to enjoy. Including mesmerizing motorboat acts, booty scrubbing stunts and amazing women shooting ping pong balls out of their vagina from the “America’s Got Talent” stage into your living room. Strippers, here’s your chance! Turn that $10 in your G-string into millions. Ready. Aim. Fire.

Let’s be honest. Singing Lionel Richie tunes and dancing the Macarena in a neon leotard can only take you so far, but having the special gift of catching bologna slices with your ass cheeks is a true, undeniable talent that is sure to get Howard’s vote and a one-way ticket to Hollywood. Star quality like that can’t easily be made.

Although the lineup will definitely bring in ratings with the unbathed, single and sex-deprived male audience, not everyone is happy with Howard’s move to primetime. Leave it to the bored mothers on the Parents Television Council to make an uproar against NBC’s choice in their latest recruit. PTC members have threaten to boycott the family friendly show, calling Stern a despicable candidate, crushing every little girls’ dream chance of ever landing a spread in Playboy magazine and winning an AVN award with Howard’s help in the process.

Nevertheless, Howard Stern is a major pop culture icon in America. The radio host is the Barbara Walters of dirty-talking journalism that has interviewed A-list celebrities, public figures and 1-toothed trannies for over 25 years. Trading in Baba Booey for Nick Cannon seems only rational.

My Yummy Little Pony

2011-12-01T19:43:00.004-05:00

My Yummy Little Pony
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 1, 2011)

Cows, chickens, and alligators of Jacksonville, make way! Thanks to President Obama, your sizzling death on a Burger King grill will now be shared with Mister Ed’s great-grandson, Black Beauty IV, and that horse from Gumby, since the slaughter and consumption of horse meat is now legal in the United States.

Chowing down on clop chops is now as patriotic as Donald Trump’s glorious comb-over, and already an American favorite. Mall food courts nationwide have opened up Stallion Subs, Horse-Fill-A, and McMustang’s eateries for shoppers to enjoy, and Martha Stewart is set to air a full episode next week on how to prepare a special holiday horse meal this Christmas.

Don’t knock it until you tried it, or ride it, rather. America needed another red meat to carry the country’s obesity epidemic along, and what better than horse? It’s a new age. The animal is no longer needed as a means of transportation anymore. And have you seen the jockeys on the race track lately? They’re starving waiting for their four-legged teammates to die.

However, not everyone is happy about the new horse-gobbling law that’s been passed. The folks at PETA are in an uproar working on their “Just Say Neigh” campaign, farmers are barricading barn doors and petting zoos throughout the country are carrying “Please Don’t Eat The Horses” signs in case of the occasional hungry visitor.

Horses of the US, you have been warned. That haystack you’re eating may be your last. John Wayne is waiting.

Gumby Makes A Career Move

2011-09-10T22:05:00.004-04:00

Gumby Makes A Career Move
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (September 10, 2011)

It’s been over 15 years since Gumby reigned on television, delighting children and amusing adults. Now as an out of work oddly-shaped headed man decked out in green, Gumby is running low on funds and the bills are piling high, resulting to a life of crime for the once famed TV star.

Caught on video surveillance earlier this week, a fully nude Gumby was spotted attempting to rob a San Diego 711 with Pokey, his getaway horse waiting outside and ready to bolt. Unfortunately, the store’s clerk did not take the stick up seriously as the burglar proceeded, “Give me all your money! I’m Gumby, dammit!” The cashier began to laugh and Gumby ran out of the 711 in embarrassment.

Trying to put the “G” back in Gumby, it appears his act of robbery was a total dud that makes Easy E roll over in his grave in shame. However, the criminal has yet to be caught and out on the loose.

It’s a sad ending to Gumby’s True Hollywood Story. After 35 years in show-biz, seems the lavish spending and the wild parties of the 80’s with the Care Bear gang, his wingman Mr. Rogers, and then girlfriend, Rainbow Brite has caught up to his savings account and the former celebrity filed bankruptcy in 1995.

Things became really bad when the city was forced to shut off the electricity in Gumby’s home. Without a working air conditioner to keep him cool, the clay man was in grave danger of melting away and getting mopped up off the face of the earth. Gumby’s life was at stake and he needed cash now!

However, Gumby’s money-hungry mischievous deed was a very strategic career move. With the crime hitting all the media outlets, Gumby’s getting everyone talking and the publicity is sure to make him a star once again. Look out for his reunion show, Gumby Gets The Green on E.

PETA Makes A Porno

2011-08-20T19:53:00.006-04:00

PETA Makes A Porno
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Aug 20, 2011)

Don’t eat meat, munch a rug instead. In hopes of gaining more supporters, PETA is launching a porn website inspired by raunchy rabbits, humping-hungry dogs and Jenna Jameson’s award winning film career. The animal rights group’s new XXX site will feature pictures and videos of human sexcapades as well as live streaming from the north pole titled Arctic Nights with a fully nude female polar bear on ice skates.

Knowing very well that sex sells when it comes to putting an end to animal abuse, animal testing and Joe Pesci movie sales, PETA got the idea for HornyHyenas.com after taking advice from Heidi Fleiss following the shooting of her own reality show for Animal Planet, Prostitutes To Parrots.

Sticking to their anti-fur campaign, all actresses are told to shave the power muff before filming in honor of the American bald eagle. Promoting vegetarianism, videos will also include girl-on-veg action featuring adult film star, Cucumber Cummings.

Seems People of the Ethical Treatment of Animals could care less about the ethical treatment of people, while guys worldwide alone in their room surf the site with lotion in one hand and a hamburger in the other.

America Goes Green

2011-08-02T20:56:00.004-04:00

America Goes Green
By Chloe Dinnerolly (Aug 2, 2011)

“Pot for Patriots” is the new catchphrase for a medical marijuana clinic in Lansing, Michigan that offers a free sample of the herbal refreshment to registered voters. Yes, the weed you buy to relieve the pain caused by cancer, glaucoma, and stubbing your toe while playing hacky-sack, comes at no charge with a simple “I Voted” sticker on your Grateful Dead shirt.

Offering a little something more motivational than what politicians promise, owner of Your Healthy Choice Clinic and certified drug dealer, Shekina Pena, started the peace pipe promotion to get the public voting when elections for the city council took place last week. The people of Lansing were seen walking into voting booths surrounded by a cloud of smoke and laughing hysterically at the word, “Election”. Yet the proud voters were still able to cast a vote for Snoop Dogg for Mayor, before raiding the 7 – 11’s snack aisle.

Smoking doobies has now become as American as obesity, heart disease and shopping at Pottery Barn. So, say The Pledge of Allegiance, light up and ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.

Milk: Does the Menstrual Cycle Good

2011-07-25T19:19:00.004-04:00

Milk: Does the Menstrual Cycle Good
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 25, 2011)

After a week’s run, a milk ad campaign featuring frantic men stocking up on milk cartons for their lady loves who are entertaining for Aunt Flow’s monthly visit has been pulled due to high criticism for being offensive, sexist, and insensitive to those who suffer from lactose intolerance.

Forget Midol. Showcasing a study that milk helps reduce PMS symptoms, the California Milk Processor Board released a commercial targeting the real victims of the bloody curse: men. Every 28 days, guys endure a sex-less week of torture resulting from their girl’s crazy demands of countless Hershey bars, whining over being too bloated to fit into her favorite Jordache jeans, and starting a shouting match every time “that skinny bitch”, Kelly Rippa is on TV.

Under the slogan, “Jugs For Jugs”, milk sympathizes and offers a calciyum solution, advising dudes to always keep cups of moo moo juice handy in case of emergency. However, results can be risky. Several women riding the crimson wave have ended up throwing the drink in their man’s face, yelling, “I don’t want no glass of milk, stupid ass! Now where’s my heating pad, so we can hop in bed and get it on?”

While most men can relate and chuckle when watching the milk commercials, women see otherwise; viewing the advertisements as offensive to the gender for their fuming mad antics during their time of the month. Ridiculed and insulted, cows working on dairy farms nationwide are boycotting their jobs, grasping their utters and proclaiming, “No means no! Enjoy osteoporosis, suckas!”

Luckily, the ad campaign was pulled before the news spread, offending other females; human, cow or (wo)manatee. Now ladies on their period can return to piling up their shopping carts with tampons, maxi pads and tons of chocolate…milk.

Brangelina Bugs Out

2011-07-20T13:10:00.003-04:00

Brangelina Bugs Out
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 20, 2011)

No need to call the exterminator after an insect infestation in your home, the Jolie-Pitt clan will gladly take care of the bug problem for you. Award winner and blood drinker, Angelina Jolie revealed on Monday that her kids love eating crickets. Chowing down on the crispy critters as they play Xbox on their marble floor, ride their private jet around the world, and to keep busy while Mommy and Daddy slip off to the bedroom and make weird noises.

The 6 little ones drool whenever they see a Disney movie featuring Jiminy Cricket, proclaiming, “That singing and dancing bug sure looks delicious!”

Knowing very well of Brangelina’s celebrity impact, insect enthusiasts are angry and upset as the bug eating trend starts to expand. Flying off the shelves faster than bags of Cheetos, Funyuns, and sugar covered Monkey BrainZ, their favorite creepy-crawly will soon fall into the endangered species list, while dentists everywhere begin finding bug legs stuck between their patients’ teeth.

The nightly tranquil chirp of the male crickets’ mating call, advising all the ladies to call up the 1-800-LOVE-A-BUG singles line and singing Barry White songs, will soon go mute.

Although, a common snack in the Far East, crickets always considered North America as a safe haven, living the good life hopping about and never having to worry about getting their head chomped off after being grilled, fried, or dipped in chocolate. The cricket cuisine is something you’d see on Fear Factor, not on the menu at a Hollywood A-List restaurant. But obviously, fear is not a factor to the Jolie-Pitt family.

No Me Ames:Jlo And MAnt Split

2011-07-18T17:48:00.003-04:00

No Me Ames: JLo And MAnt Split
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 18, 2011)

Ay yay yay, after seven years of a muy cliente marriage Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced. Seems the celebrity couple’s Puerto Rican pride with gringo glamour, and the many naughty nights with the wife’s big ‘ol booty wasn’t enough to make the Hollywood love last.

The devastating news comes as a shock to most, leaving chongas all over with Sharpie-drawn eyebrows running down their face in tears, while Jen’s ex, Chris Judd, is all smiles, throwing fists and hollering, “Boo-yah! Ladies love the Snug-A-Judd They all keep crawling back for more!”

With a successful career in music, movies, fashion and sitting next to the decaying Steven Tyler as an American Idol judge, critiquing young singers as they belt out Billy Ray Cyrus tunes, JLo seemed to have it all. But don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got. The former Fly Girl is now another single mother statistic struggling to make ends meet; working 5 jobs, collecting child support and living in a Beverly Hills mansion filled with nannies, maids and a professional Elmo impersonator for the kids.

The salsa king and queen will soon be seen walking down the red carpet, dressed in designer duds, and posing for the paparazzi on the way to court. Although, we have yet to know who gets what of the couple’s million dollar fortune, Marc’s divorce lawyer will be using J.Lo’s hit , “My Love Don’t Cost A Thing” as a defense.

Where's The Beef?

2011-07-15T19:35:00.003-04:00

Where’s The Beef?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 15, 2011)

Some men are willing to admit to stuffing their pants with various objects from socks to a roll of quarters, in an effort to zoom in on their junk-in-the-front. Yet a man in South Carolina has taken the crotch padding practice a bit too far, by getting himself arrested at an Ingles grocery store last weekend for stealing various meat packages hidden inside his Scooby Doo briefs.

The seemingly well endowed shoplifter, Terry Campbell, went to the store on Saturday to pick up a few things for a backyard barbeque and was spotted shoving hot dogs, hamburger patties, and 2 large beach balls into his jeans by the grocery store manager. Campbell was chased out into the parking lot, and boldly going where no man or woman has gone before, the supermarket manager reached inside the beef thief’s pants and unveiled several Oscar Mayer products tangled in a jungle of pubes.

Attempting to flee the scene, Campbell’s “Wash Me!” written car failed to start. Putting the gear in neutral, he then proceeded to roll out like Fred Flintstone, yelling “Yabba dabba doo, bitches!”, almost running over another Ingles employee in the process. However after getting run down by police and a little old lady with a shopping cart, the ham burglar was eventually stopped.

Though before getting flipped and grilled by his new cell mate in the slammer, Campbell was first taken to the hospital. Suffering from chest pains due to high cholesterol from red meat, the doctor advised him that maybe next time he should rob the produce section if he wants to stay in good health.
t

Just Say Meow

2011-07-11T12:46:00.004-04:00

Just Say Meow
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 11, 2011)

The war on drugs has missed its mark as the cat junkie epidemic rises across the nation. With stashes hidden behind litter boxes and dealings taking place on top of tree branches, the cats on drugs craze is growing in popularity, and a dangerous habit that is ultimately lethal.

Just last week, a cat died of a heroin overdose in Boulder, Colorado after breathing in the drug smoke blown on his face by his owner, Danielle Blankenship. Danielle was only sharing the high with her furry friend like the pair did every afternoon, however Muffin’s latest fix unfortunately led to his demise.

To help stop these devastating situations from reoccurring, Animal Planet has started production of a new Intervention-like show geared solely towards felines who suffer from substance abuse issues. After rehab and aide from Dr. Drew’s own pet, Dr. Pawthorne, there’s still hope these kitties can overcome addiction and go back to tearing up curtains, leaving dead mice outside your doorstep, and playing games on their iPad in no time.

It’s best to sit down with your cat(s) at an early age after their morning tongue-bath and talk about the deadly use of illegal drugs. Although it might seem like the cool thing to do (“C’mon man, we have nine lives.”), an educated and strong-willed cat wouldn’t fall for peer pressure…just off a rooftop.

A Lemonade Stand Turns Sour

2011-07-09T18:11:00.003-04:00

A Lemonade Stand Turns Sour
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (July 9, 2011)

Summer’s here and with scorching temperatures that make even Michael Moore strip down to his skives in sweat, there’s nothing more refreshing than a nice cold glass of lemonade to cool you off, quench your thirst, and keep you clothed. Yet, we unfortunately live in a dog-squeeze-dog world where last week a lemonade stand held by a trio of children in Ohio was robbed by a group of teenagers dressed in hoodies, skinny jeans, and temporary leprechaun tattoos.

The criminal activity started after one teen took a sip of the zesty drink, slammed down his glass, and demanded a refund. “What is this?! This isn’t diet! Now give me my 25 cents back!” Using his 4th grade math, the 11 year-old vendor slowly struggled counting the coins to return to the customer. Frustrated and already running late for the Dungeons & Dragons convention in Cleveland, the teenage thugs grabbed the money jar from the foldout table and drove off.

The crooks got away with $13.50 of the little ones’ hard earned money of sitting out in the sun catching second degree burns, squeezing lemons into lukewarm water, and missing a Sponge Bob marathon. If these types of burglaries continue, security cameras will soon be installed inside the cardboard constructed booths to catch the offenders in the act and to later be broadcasted on TruTV’s countdown of “World’s Most Desperate Criminals”

The kiddies were only doing their part trying to save the dwindling economy with their seasonal juice business. Times are hard enough spending the summer days with your unemployed parents at home yelling out numbers at the TV while watching The Price Is Right in pajamas. Money doesn’t grow on trees; someone needs to bring home the bacon.

However, after hearing the news of the theft, an anonymous donor gave the children $20 as a repayment. That’s a 6 dollar bonus and a Taco Bell lunch! So you see? When life hands you a lemon; make lemonade.

Big Poppa's On Twitter

2011-06-30T20:36:00.003-04:00

Big Poppa's On Twitter
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 30, 2011)

SMH, the Pope is now on Twitter. Under the name “BigPoppa”. Pope Benedict XVI made his first tweet on Tuesday promoting the Vatican’s new website, blessing his followers, and proving that age ain’t nothing but a number. At 84, dressed in a white robe with a Lady Gaga inspired hat, Benny is still down with the young, trendy, and hip kids, reporting on Twitter from his baptized iPad and showing the globe that religion rocks. Mama Mary didn’t raise no fool.

The Holy Father joined the social network to better connect with Catholics worldwide, spread the word of God to the masses, and tweet pictures of The Vatican’s daily Eucharist, posting, “Nom nom nom! The body and blood of Christ! Yum!”

In this digital age, everything’s now on your computer screen, from PerezHilton’s celebrity news, to talking fruit on YouTube, to the Sunday sermons of priests, bishops, and cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church. You’ll never have to race to Confession again after a wild night of drinking 2 for 1 shots, stealing a box of Fig Newtons from grandma, and hooking up with Danny Bonaduce, since the sacred guilt box is now at your fingertips. Plus, those who retweet any of BigPoppa’s biblical posts will get their Twitter page splashed with virtual holy water.

To better fit in with the times, the crucifix will soon have Jesus hanging from the cross wearing thick framed glasses, with a laptop in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other. The modern martyr.

It hasn’t even been a week and Big P already has over 30,000 followers. That’s one popular holy man. Won’t you follow Him…on Twitter?

RT @HotBunsNun: Praise Jesus! @BigPoppa is here and ready to fight against evil @Satan sister @SineadOConnor

Eden's Crush

2011-06-25T16:27:00.006-04:00

Eden’s Crush
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 25, 2011)

Realizing that it’s better to burnout than fade away, 6 year-old Eden Wood from Toddlers & Tiaras is welcoming a move to Florida and heading for retirement, bingo marker in hand. After 2 years in the pageant world, the 3-foot tall diva dressed in sequins, feathers, and a Muppet-skinned fur coat is calling it quits.

Although, officially resigning from beauty competitions, Eden is not saying goodbye to the stage, cameras, and The South Beach Diet just yet. The bite-sized primadonna is now on tour to promote her new singing career, performing nationwide at Build-A-Bear grand openings, along with a Jonas Brothers’ cover band, and The Wiggles.

If everything goes as planned, Disney will come running and little Eden will be cursing out the paparazzi and seen club hopping on TMZ in no time. Cha-ching! However, Eden’s rise to fame isn’t going to get in the way of a normal childhood since success at an early age never messed anyone up. Right, Leif?

Already the star of TLC’s reality show and author of her own book, Eden has her mom to thank for entering her in the pageant profession filled with crowns, sashes, trophies, and mascara running tears. It’s important for young girls to understand early on; it’s what’s on the outside that counts. True beauty comes from layers of makeup, spray-on tans, wigs, false teeth, and 10 pounds of glitter. Then, maybe one day you too will get your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, right next to the late and great Gary Coleman.

What The Cluck?

2011-06-21T18:31:00.007-04:00

What The Cluck?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 21, 2011)

In helping fight the diabetic epidemic that’s stuffing-the-face of Americans across the nation, a KFC in Utah is donating $1 to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation for every Mega Jug sold at the fast-food joint. A fancy name for a half gallon of Pepsi, the Mega Jug contains 50 spoons of sugar, 800 calories and countless BBW dreams. For only $2.99, it’s a Biggest Loser application in a cup.

Oh, the savory twist of yummy tummy irony. A disease caused by high levels of blood sugar, diabetes is brought on by poor eating habits, lack of exercise, and watching Avatar. KFC’s famous secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices of artery-clogging goodness, is the last place next to the smoking sections at Disney World to condone healthy living.

However, not everything on the KFC menu will send Jillian Michaels breathing fire and flapping her wings in an angry food tossing rampage. If you’re watching your weight and concerned about your fully-clothed beach bod, order the coleslaw. Underneath the gallon of mayonnaise and cups of whole milk, there are vegetables there…somewhere.

Diabetes may make you go blind, lose your feet, and have you stabbing your finger daily to check blood sugar levels but the KFC Big Box Meal dinner of 2 drumsticks, popcorn chicken, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, home-styled biscuits, topped with a 64oz Mega Jug’s mega sweetness, was so worth it.

Now that’s finger licking good

The Bunny That Got Away

2011-06-17T16:35:00.002-04:00

The Bunny That Got Away
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 17, 2011)

It’s the heartbreak hotel filled with half-naked, freshly waxed, squeezed, and eager-to-please girls at the Playboy Mansion after the King Playboy himself, Hugh Hefner, was dumped by his gold-digging and silicone-styling 25 year-old fiancée, Crystal Harris, just days before the couple’s planned nuptials this weekend.

With the bride’s change of heart and feelings towards cleaning her husband’s bedpan on a daily basis, the wedding is now off. However, there’s no telling if Hef kept all the receipts for the grand ceremony. Everything has already been paid for, from the pink frou-frou Romona Kevez wedding gown to the lavish 5 tier cake, to Crystal’s new 32DDs.

The catastrophic split also caused the television special, Marrying Hef, on Lifetime - a network where Hef’s peers and former girlfriends from the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s could tune in to watch before putting away their teeth prior to bed- to be cancelled.

Seems the $1,000 weekly allowance Crystal received for her hard day’s work of doing absolutely nothing, spent on Jimmy Choo’s, Milano handbags and personalized diamond rings for her cat, just wasn’t enough for the runaway bride.

It’s also rumored Crystal has allegedly been hopping into the arms, bed, and groin of another, younger and wrinkle-free man, Dr. Phil’s son, Jordan McGraw. When asked for comment, Dr. Phil stated, “That’s my son, y’all! This will be great for my show!”

Alas, Crystal Harris proves to be another dumb blonde, obviously failing out of Gold Digging 101 before her run with Hef, the ultimate Splenda Grandpappy there is. Crystal only needed to stick it out a few years as Mrs. Hefner, reminding her hubby to take his daily pills of Centrum Silver, Citracal, and Viagra and before long would be shooting a nudie Forbes cover, wrapped in cash, after collecting millions and millions in life insurance payments.

Heartbroken and distressed, Hugh is now said to be hooking up with Betty White on the rebound and spending hours alone in his room with his Miracle Ear on, listening to Taylor Swift albums, choking back tears, and proclaiming, “That’s so true, Taylor! That’s so true!”

Hef first spotted the Playmate back in 2009 putting the “tramp” in trampoline, bouncing on the infamous Playboy springs topless. It was love at first, second, and third base. However, just because the silver fox is (much) older does not mean he’s wiser. Making the devastating mistake of giving monogamy a go, Hef proposed to Crystal on Christmas last year beside the fire, sipping eggnog, enjoying some stocking-shaped sugar cookies, and a Happy Holidays Hand Job.

Now Kody Brown from Sister Wives can tell you, one-on-one relationships never work. Dude’s gotta have his backups. Sadly though, at 85, Hef seems to be suffering from severe memory loss and rational thinking, forgetting all about the fantasy life he once had and all the boobies that kept him warm at night.

Ultimately, Crystal believes a marriage to a multi-millionaire will hurt the image of her so-called music career. With her new single, “An Amazing Publicity Stunt That’s Sure To Get Me Famous!” to hit the airwaves on Monday, look out for her new reality show, “Keeping Up With The Cash” that’s in the works and planned to air on E! this fall.

Your Cat Is Cooler Than You

2011-06-06T20:05:00.004-04:00

Your Cat Is Cooler Than You
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 6, 2011)

Your cat is cooler than you -and it has nothing to do with the Michael Bolton greatest hits CD you play in the car every day. Thanks to Friskies, little Whiskers now shops at Urban Outfitters, listens to Belle & Sebastian on vinyl and combs a faux hawk between his ears during his morning tongue bath, since the cat food brand has just released a new iPad app exclusively for felines.

After clawing up the furniture, sparking ground shaking sneeze attacks, and smothering babies in their sleep, cats can now scratch up the $700 screen of the iPad you saved weeks of Subway paychecks to get. With games like “Cat Fishing”, “Tasty Treasure Hunt” and “This Is So Much Cooler Than A Ball Of Yarn”, the hot expensive toy even has Mr. Bigglesworth’s celebrity endorsement.

However, not everyone is happy with the new hipster cat craze. Outraged and jealous, dogs everywhere are demanding “Duck Hunt”, “Chewy Shoe-y”, and “Mailman Madness” iPad game apps to be made and sold. Pet stores now must go high-tech with their supplies because those litter boxes that amazingly clean themselves are so last year.

The Aristocats were right, everybody does want to be a cat.

Hop On Pop

2011-05-04T20:56:00.003-04:00

Hop On Pop
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (May 4, 2011)

A father-daughter duo who were out spending a lovely day together last weekend, turned into spending a nasty night in jail. After catching the flick, “Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never”, hitting The Sizzler for the early bird special, and spending some quality time on a shady corner in downtown Tampa searching for a lady love doped up on Meth, in leather thigh-high boots for Pops. The pair ended up in the back of a police cruiser in handcuffs --not the way the father had intended.

Daddy’s little girl, Pia Kirchberg, was only trying to grant her 80 year-old father, Maurice Kirchberg’s last dying wish of a paid sexcapade. However, making the Love Connection was tough. With Maurice looking nothing like Richard Gere and Pia only carrying a $20 in her knockoff Coach purse, prostitute prospects were slim. Sadly, there are no senior discounts out on the streets.

Prices that low can either lead to the hoe’s pimp dangling the crinkly 20 dollar bill at clock out and asking, “Wha-what’s this? Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?” or having the on sale hooker actually be an undercover cop. Unfortunately, it was the latter of the two, and the officer flashed her badge at Maurice instead of her boobies, while Pia pleasantly waited outside, playing solitaire on her phone.

There is no crime here. Maurice was only living by example. At his age, he only has Hugh Heffner or Regis Philbin to look up to. Old dudes nowadays are under a lot of peer pressure. It’s hard enough catching Jimmy Johnson’s Extenze commercials while watching Jeopardy before heading off to bed. As for Pia, you can’t arrest a girl for listening to her parents. Since when is that illegal?

What a waste of 20 bucks! Plus the bail fees! That kind of money could have been used on a Medline Walker Basket, bottles of Metamucil or a McDonald’s Dollar Menu feast. Whatever happened to “Free Love” in the ‘60s? Times sure are a’changin’.

A Royal Flush

2011-04-28T20:46:00.003-04:00

A Royal Flush
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 28, 2011)

A guest has just been crossed off the list to the biggest event across the pond and on the TV sets all over the world. Cameron Reilly, a Scots Guardsman set to work during the royal wedding of Prince William & Kate Middleton, was fired earlier this week after bashing the bride and future princess on his Facebook calling her nasty names such as “Stuck Up Cow” and “Posh Bitch“, making Victoria Beckham answer, “Yes, Mel B?”

It seems the polite wave Kate gave the stone-faced chap outside Will’s residence last Friday night wasn’t enough of a friendly greeting. Still furious about never once being invited inside Buckingham Palace for tea and crumpets with the Queen after a hard day of standing in his fluffy bearskin hat, Reilly took to his Facebook to vent out his frustration.

Forgetting he’s not Kanye West and that he worked for the British monarchy where freedom of speech and Kate Middleton and Taylor Swift slurs don’t exist, Reilly’s crude comments ultimately cost him his job, a whole lotta money, and a 2 second spot on “Fashion Police Royal Wedding” getting heckled by Joan Rivers.

The night his remarks surfaced, Reilly was spotted by Prince Harry who was having a pint at the pub with his military mates. The fiery red head known as Britain’s Crowned Bad Boy went up to the jukebox, put on Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”, approached Reilly and asked, “Pardon me lad, but aren’t you that bloke talking rubbish about my brother’s girl?”

The prince cracked his knuckles and continued, “How would you like to be my new whipping boy?” Suddenly Harry and his buddies tackled and started a brawl with Reilly, who was left with 1 black eye, 5 missing teeth and 2 badly swollen testicles.

However, it’s hard to take the guardsman’s insults seriously as most of Reilly’s Facebook comments are filled with spelling errors and completely unintelligible. Seems the anti-royal rebel flunked out of his first year in primary school or no habla ingles as he continually refers to Kate as “hur”.

Luckily, finding a replacement at the last minute wasn’t much of hassle, as Simon Cowell will proudly take Reilly’s place. Jolly good!

Saved By The Dog

2011-04-22T23:13:00.001-04:00

Saved By The Dog
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 19, 2011)

An angel disguised as a talking gorilla dressed in a black leather vest, sunglasses, studded bicep bracelet and a long golden power mullet, came down from Biker Heaven and saved the once famous Nicholas Cage by posting his bail last weekend after getting arrested for domestic violence, public intoxication and 2007‘s Ghost Rider.

After an 8 hour lock-up sharing a toilet with Mel Gibson’s former cellmate, Nic used his one phone call to contact his TBH BFF, Duane “Dog” Chapman, to rescue him. Immediately putting his 4-man chase of The Hamburglar surrounding a Denver McDonald’s to a halt, Dog rushed to be at his friend’s side with $11,000, a camera crew and a bottle of L’Oreal’s Sublime Bronze.

Now if there’s anything the A&E macho believes in its hairspray, and the legalization of washed-up movie stars smacking around their wives while liquored-up on Zima out on the streets of New Orleans. What were those Louisiana police trying to pull? It wasn’t like the crime was anything serious; the NOPD acted as if this were a local Dunkin Donuts heist.

Dog and Nic first met a few years back at a Hair Club For Men in LA, where Dog held a seminar giving baldies tips and secrets behind his mighty mane. The pair have been buds ever since, spending time together shopping for motorcycles, going to Elvis conventions, and enjoying romantic candlelit dinners at Outback Steakhouse.

Unfortunately Nic Cage has recently filed bankruptcy. Seems like the box-office crap the actor released in the last 10 years has been a bad investment. The Academy Award Winner even pawned off his Oscar for some extra cash to pay for the Big Mouth Billy Bass in his living room

It’s still nice to know Nic’s got a friend in high places. City of Angels 2: Back With Avenges.

Boozing Juvies Go Goo Goo

2011-04-14T20:00:00.016-04:00

Boozing Juvies Go Goo Goo
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 14, 2011)

A waitress in a Detroit Applebee’s is about to lose her job and face a hefty fine for serving a minor alcohol without properly checking for ID first. Looking past the customer’s high-chair, binky, and “iPood” bib, the server poured a (non-virgin) margarita into the sippy cup of a 15 month old baby.

The parents of the toddler were unaware of their son’s underage drinking at the family friendly turned pub for tots restaurant till the child began acting strangely, making passes at fat chicks, stripping down to his diaper, and ultimately passing out in front of his untouched plate of Macaroni & Cheese, to later wake up with “BALLS” written on his forehead.

Concerned about her child’s erratic behavior, the mother took her youngin’ to the hospital where it was found the amateur-alkie had a .10 blood alcohol rating. Luckily the doctors caught this before the tyke got behind the wheel, putting grasshoppers and squirrels on the road in danger, and eventually getting charged with a TUI: Tricycling Under The Influence.

Turns out earlier that evening, when the Applebee’s waitress took the boy’s drink order, “apple juice” was misraken for “happy juice” and an alcoholic beverage was served to the little one instead. An awful slip-up or a helpful fix? We all know the pressures on babies these days, from the stresses of potty training to the hassles of the alphabet to The Wiggles tour not stopping at your town, sometimes you need a little something to take the edge off.

Although the Patron Prince was nowhere near 21, take it from R.Kelly, age ain’t nothing but a number. This is America. Children elsewhere all over the globe are breaking their back working in sweatshops, factories, and Cambodia Cinnabons. Not allowing a kid from the good ol’ USA to have a beer after a tough day of counting to ten, finger painting, and watching Sesame Street is just preposterous. Why must these ridiculous drinking laws crush the American Dream?

We salute you Applebee’s: Where A Kid Can Be A Drunk

Ditch The Rosary, Grab A Pole

2011-03-24T20:16:00.006-04:00

Ditch The Rosary, Grab A Pole
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 24, 2011)

Tired of praying for the winning lottery ticket, to lose 50 pounds off a diet of pizza and ice cream, or for Johnny Depp to fall madly in love with you, only to be ignored? Fortunately, there is a more direct way in getting your prayers answered and it doesn’t include any goody-goody deeds to get His attention. Pole Dancing For Jesus, the latest trend coming from Texas, is a workout class taught by fitness instructor/former stripper Crystal Deans, that teaches church-going women how to spin around, slither down and work a pole, for who else but Jesus Christ.

Dressed in their Sunday best, hot pants, a tank and six-inch heels, these ladies are schooled to grind, lap dance and successfully grab cash off the floor using their butt cheeks, all in God’s good name. Strutting their stuff to funky Christian music; your body is a temple so show us what you got. It’s time to spread your legs wide and open yourself up to the Lord.

Classes for Pole Dancing For Jesus are held on the Sabbath day of each week and you must provide your church program to get in the exclusive religious course. Let’s face it, church is boring with everyone in those big robes that are so unflattering to your figure. Time to spice the worship up! Step Into the light of the lord with light up pumps.

Have the man upstairs saying, “Bless you, child” while making the man you’re married to scream out, “Hallelujah!” with these new sexy moves. However, practice makes perfect, so it’s best to get your own personal pole to keep next to your rosary, Bible and Strip Aerobics DVD.

Also, no saggies or flatties, get a boob job and lift them up to the Lord

Living In Luxury: Doing It Doggy Style

2011-03-20T13:45:00.005-04:00

Living In Luxury: Doing It Doggy Style
By Chloe Dinnerrollu (Marcn 20, 2011)

It’s a dog’s life, and for Mariah Carey’s JJ, Dolomite, Jackie, and Cha-Cha, it’s a fabulous one. The pop superstar may be known for her angelic singing voice, but she is famous for her prima-donna antics. Diva Supreme Mariah demands a throne to sit on during album signings, her own custom toilet paper when traveling, and hired an assistant just to hold her drinks. Why should her pups be treated any different?

Yes, it’s The Real House Dogs of Beverly Hills. These prized pooches enjoy their daily manicures, massages and rawhide-aroma bubble baths and cruising around in limos or their own private jet to be with mommy wherever she may be. These high-class canines play fetch with diamond encrusted tennis balls, sleep on king sized beds topped with Egyptian-cotton sheets, and are surrounded by an entourage that caters their every need including a personal doggy-treat chef, 3 butt-scratchers and 2 well-paid legs to hump.

Now with Mariah 8 months pregnant with twins, the chart topper worries her Fab Four doggies may become jealous and resentful with the babies’ soon arrival. Realizing this serious business needs to be handled by someone certified in dealing with these issues, Mariah did what any responsible pet owner would do; send her dogs to therapy.

At their first meeting, therapist to the pet stars, Dr. Pawthorne -who regularly sees Tinkerbell Hilton and Sophie Cyrus- asked JJ, Dolomite, Jackie, and Cha-Cha to vent their concerns and frustrations towards the upcoming babies. The four swiftly replied, “Ruff!”, then went back to sniffing their assistant’s crotch. At the end of the appointment, the dogs were asked to use a new daily mantra and repeat, “A baby’s head is not a chew toy” everyday as homework.

However, during the second session with the Careys, Dr. Pawthorne found out the expected twins weren’t the real reason these dogs were in therapy. As Cha-Cha confessed after being bribed with Beggin’ Strips, the four accidentally caught the movie, Glitter while on a flight to London and have been distraught ever since. “It’s just so hard to see your master, someone you hold in such high regard, perform so poorly” said Cha-Cha with a sorrow howl.

Though there’s still hope for the four-legged royals. Just like audiences around the globe have, with work, the pups can overcome this traumatic experience and return to their lavish lifestyle in peace. Livin’ it better than you, me, and Bo Obama pooping on the White House lawn.

Touchdown Dolphins!

2011-03-14T21:42:00.008-04:00

Touchdown Dolphins!
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 14, 2011)

The Miami Dolphins have been a joke of the NFL for years and no one’s more upset than the actual dolphins of South Florida for the bad name the team has given them. The dolphins have had enough of the negative reputation Ricky Williams and Brandon Marshall give and are striking back.

On Sunday afternoon a boat tour cruised around Marco River, while underwater a dolphin pod overheard a group of people talking about football. A woman proclaimed, “Yeah, the dolphins suck!” Fuming with anger, one dolphin jumped onto the boat and fiercely tackled the woman. With his voice in high-pitched evil laughter he shouted, “Don’t you be talking about dolphins like that, beyotch! We’ll cut you! We’ll cut you!”

It took officers from the Isles of Capri Fire Department, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission and the Collier County Sheriff's Office to get the sea beast back into the water. The injured woman remains unidentified but suffers from a sprained ankle, and will forever be known as “That Lady Who Got Pwned By A Dolphin”

Don’t let the losers on Monday Night Football in teal and orange fool you, dolphins can be tough. Why should sharks get all the credit as the bad boys of the ocean? An adult dolphin weighs 600 pounds and can smack you around with its brutal tail, leaving you bloody with broken bones.. Each player of the Miami Dolphins wears up to 15 pounds in gear; a real Dolphins wear none. A helmet, pads and a cup aren’t needed. Dolphins have been trying to lose their goody-good image for years. The dingo didn’t eat your baby Meryl, the dolphin did.

Unfortunately, dolphins have always had The Brady Bunch stereotype, like Flipper, or the lucky bottlenosed-dudes of Sea World, living the luxurious life, constantly getting their picture snapped, living in crisp clean tanks and eating all the fresh fish they want. All the while the wild ones get no respect. Dolphins are tired of being the laughing stock of the animal kingdom because of Miami.

It’s time for a change. Take this as a warning.

Source

Polygamy TV

2011-03-10T20:12:00.008-05:00

Polygamy TV
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 10, 2011)

Like Tommy Lee discovering a crabs colony inside his shorts every week, they’re baaack! A family that easily puts the Kardashians arguing over who had the last jelly donut to shame, Sister Wives has returned for a second season on TLC starting this Sunday.

Yes, the reality-show documenting a polygamist relationship(s) revolving around one man with 4 wives and 13 children is again out to prove that sharing is caring, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, “Winning”.

Sister Wives’ Brown family is of the Mormon faith living in Lehi, Utah, far from the hustle and bustle of crazy monogamous city life. As the Spice Girls once said, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends” and in Mormon translation “friends” means “wives”. Two-timing, three-timing, four-timing, or more, is a religious practice such as going to church, prayer, and shoplifting the pootie for Jesus. In the eyes of God, marriage is all about love, commitment and nightly video-taped threesomes.

Just as it is seen and taught on the show, whether you have a face for Vogue or Fug Weekly, polygamy doesn’t discriminate. No matter what your reflection shows or the things people at Wal-Mart’s check-out say, every chap holds equal rights to the glory of PlayersVille. With 18 people crammed inside the Brown home, it certainly is a full house. Yet, mac daddy, Kody Brown looks nothing like Full House star and heartthrob, John Stamos, and instead resembles the chubby goofy other dude, Uncle Joey, who traded in his mullet for layers and 4 sets of boobies.

If you’re worried about the kids of Sister Wives, don’t be. There are 13 of them, so they’ll never get lonely. It’s not like they’re starved for their father and biological mother’s attention. Daddy cannot be bothered; he has new tail to chase and mommy already has enough on her plate bringing up 6 children that aren’t hers.

Let’s get real. A marriage between a man and one woman never works out, just look at mom and dad, Jon and Kate Gosselin, or the tragic split of Hulk and Linda Hogan. A smart man needs his back-ups; collecting insurance at the chapel is a brilliant Idea, right next to the invention of the ShamWow.

Single ladies! How many times have you been left disappointed after meeting Mr. Perfect at the 7-Elevan Slurpee station, only to spot a wedding band on his finger while holding up his Big Gulp? Total bummer. Luckily, Kody Brown and plenty of other married men in Utah are signed onto Match.com and looking for (another) special someone since silly things like fidelity never matters in a relationship. You’ll be living every little girl’s dream as “Wife #5”, cooking 20 servings of pot roast, raising an army of children and cleaning toilets in no time.

TLC stands for “The Learning Channel”, so learn something.

Inmate Lohan Returns (Pre-Production)

2011-02-04T18:44:00.007-05:00

Inmate Lohan Returns (Pre-Production)
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb. 4, 2011)

Looks like Lindsay Lohan may need to file as permanent resident to Cell Block C for this year's taxes. After only 6 months since her last release, Lindsay may be heading back to The Slammer On Rodeo and it's not for the catfight that exploded with a Betty Ford staffer in December over a cup of pee.

The once actress turned spinning cyclone of disaster, allegedly did a Winona Ryder and stole a gold necklace worth $2,500. If charged with the, what David Copperfield calls "amateur", disappearing act, Lindsay is in violation of her parole which accounts as a one-way luxury-class ticket back to a cold, dark, VIP jail cell.

Regardless, it will still be nice to see old friends again, like Lindsay's BBF (Behind Bars Friend) Joy, sentenced to life for murder, and the rest of the gang. Nothing wrong with wearing an orange jumpsuit all the time; it saves a bundle on dry-cleaning. It's also not like Lindsay's bothered by handcuffs. She has her own pair kept in her bedroom nightstand that are used frequently. Prison is a ca/oke walk.

Unfortunately, Lindsay's acting career was put to an end before the age of 21. After going nude in the crapper-thriller I Know Who Killed Me back in 2007, Lindsay broke the first rule of the game. Didn't she ever read, Men Are From Mars? Her male fans quickly became bored. ("Yawn. Already saw 'em.") It's not like her talent lies elsewhere and soon the audience lost interest, leaving other ways for Lindsay to make the covers of magazines again.

The daughter Mickey Rourke never had and a chick Charlie Sheen never banged, Lindsay wears the label of "Hollywood's Bad Girl" like a Dior last season slightly-stained cocktail dress. Lindsay does what it takes to stay in the limelight, even if that calls for 8 glasses of vodka, a few swipes of cocaine and the bad dancing in the music video for Rumors. (Better leave that to Beyonce, baby girl) With each arrest is another new career move that gets everyone talking, from Ryan Seacrest to Dr. Drew to Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser.

Like most child stars, the parents hold part of the blame for Lilo's reckless and Amy Winehouse-inspired behavior. Her father feeds his own Z-list fame selling out his daughter's failures, her mother makes excuses to the media for Lindsay's actions in hopes of getting a gig with Oprah and Girl Scouts just discontinued her favorite bingeing food, Thank You Berry Much cookies; it's no wonder she drinks. With a home life like that, I would be begging to be locked up too. Not everyone from Disney has a Cinderella ending, so listen up Selena Gomez!

Although, it now seems Lindsay Lohan may never win Oscar gold, don't feel like her work in Herbie Fully Loaded has been snubbed just yet, Linds already snuck and took a statue home with her a few years ago after a party in Meryl Steep's house.

Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got; she's still Lindsay from the block - Cell Block C!

Kim Kardashian Kares

2011-01-26T18:24:00.007-05:00

Kim Kardashian Kares
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 26, 2011)

It's pretty simple becoming a new MTV Teen Queen these days. There's no need for singing, dancing or Justin Bieber shoelace-tying abilities. All you gotta do is pop out a baby before the age of 17 and you bagged yourself your own hot show and a glamorous new career

Any girl can do it. MTV will come running. You'll get a camera crew following you around in no time and your face on the covers of all the hip magazines like "Us", "People", and "Martha Stewart Living" in only 9 months! Sure beats English Lit. Michelle Duggar of 19 Kids And Counting can tell you, condoms are a waste of money, especially when you're working part-time at Dairy Queen to save up for a sparkly strapless, purple chiffon, maternity prom dress all girls envy.

But the dream of teenaged mother celebrities came crumbling down when Kim Kardashian, socialite, model, and mother of zero, took to her blog this week upset over the fact that 90 female students in a Memphis high school were either pregnant or have given birth. Like a voice of reason with a big round apple bottom, she blamed MTV and its popular show Teen Mom (A reality series that stars, nonetheless, teen moms) for its poor role models and the "Slut It Up" message it sends young girls.

Not allowing Kim to hog the spotlight, the girls of Teen Mom quickly shot back. Amber Portwood claimed the show sent a positive message to today’s youth and then went back to smacking around her ex-boyfriend in front of her child, making sure the cameras were around to catch her next arrest. What ratings! Another cast member, Farrah Abraham, even slammed Kim Kardashian for poising in Playboy, her sex tape and all the things that are so 2007 and did when she was old enough to vote, drink, and see rated R movies.

However, teen girls purposely getting pregnant to land a job is a slippery slope that can land you a plush seat in MTV offices or an unwanted chair next to Maury. Girls need to be careful. Unfortunately MTV has lost 95% credibility once the network started airing Jersey Shore. (Who needs music on a channel named Music TV, anyway?)

Although teen pregnancy seems like the trend nowadays doesn’t make it a good idea, just look at jeggings, Crocs, and the Snuggie. Kim Kardashian got two reality shows without a baby and both shows even got her name in the title. There are plenty of women on television who didn’t need to use pregnancy to get a TV deal, just look at rerspects such as Oprah, Barbara Walters and Judge Judy.

The Girl Kicked Out The Door

2008-10-11T15:41:00.009-04:00

The Girl Kicked Out The Door
By Chloe DInnerrolly (Oct. 11, 2008)

Toilets are flushing counterclockwise, lions are spitting out baby carcasses, and Sarah Palin’s gunning down elderly blue-vested Walmart greeters in shock; it’s a heartbreak that is being felt-up across America. In a bizarre twist of 518 cc’s of silicone and undeniable fate, Hugh Hefner and his main squeeze –out of all the juicy apples that fill up his fruit tree- Holly Madison, have put an end to their storybook romance. After 7 years of Metamucil, boobies, and bliss, the picturesque couple has called it quits, leaving sorority girls scratching their crab bites in bewilderment.

So happily displayed with shimmering body glitter and bottled peroxide on their hit reality show, The Girls Next Door, out of Hef’s bleached and bejeweled girlfriend party of three, which includes co-stars, co-workers, and co-strumpets Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt, Holly Madison was crowned The Number 1 Girl and The Number 1 Pooper Scooper. Thanks to the man who paid the way to their rise to fame, the golden trinity seemed to live the luxurious life of buzzing queen bees.

Old enough to be their grandpa’s grandpa, to make things convenient, Hef had the ladies share the wealth, the limelight, last night’s Rice-A-Roni leftovers, and him. As the male audience watched on mute and with their bedroom doors locked, the braless bouncy gals showcase all the glitz, glamour, and fun being part of a polygamous relationship can be. But apparently, sharing isn’t caring.

A true pioneer in literature and the arts, over 50 years ago, Hef had a big idea behind a simple concept, and launched a little known nudie mag titled, Playboy, to which over time has snowballed into a million-dollar empire, and the natural next step in a starlet’s career after her stint with Disney. (Check out newsstands in 2010 for November centerfold Miley Cyrus.) The wanton elder has accomplished more than a lifetime of work in his 82 years, and intends on keeping his business going full speed, ignoring the signs that his tank is running on empty.

He may not have his original set of teeth or walk without the help of orthopedic slippers, but the silver fox has those age-spotted hands full. After a hard day’s work at the office, going over countless roll after roll of film filled with naked women, the old man is exhausted. The last thing he wants is to come home to a committed relationship with the same ol’ boring girl, who is already pushing 30, and insists on filling his doddering mind with crazy talk of marriage and babies. It’s 4:15, Hef just wants a 5-minute handjob and to sip his dinner of Ensure in peace.

The top half of the hourglass is rapidly running out of sand, and Mr. Playboy doesn’t want the party to end. To the inventor of the game, a worthwhile relationship has no strings attached, g-strings included. While other men his age –most of whom reside six feet underground- are collecting social security checks, Hef’s still collecting V-cards.

Unfortunately, Madison never picked up a copy of Playboy before and was naïve enough to believe that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks, even one as misbehaved as Hef; who at his wrinkly age, is still sniffing crotches, humping guests’ legs, and jumping at the chance to run out the door to mount the neighbor’s new poodle. The Big Dog doesn’t even need to perform special rollover tricks to get a treat, or several treats at the same time, for that matter. He has been overstuffed and underdressed for decades. The spoiled fossil is a creature of habit, and no amount of last minute obedience training is going to stop him from drooling, shedding, and peeing all over the floor.

Luckily for Madison, the peroxide-blonde believes in magic, for the lovesick ex has already bunny-hopped into the greasy arms of Mindfreak magician, Criss Angel. After becoming accustomed to a man who lacks the strength to lift a box of Lucky Charms and whose sack hangs below his knees, the new hookup is an odd one for Madison, as Angel is able to guess her card, pull a rabbit out of his hat, and magically elevate things without the use of a handful of blue pills.

Despite the cankerous-colossal split, Madison and the other 2 bed buddies are set to continue taping new seasons of The Girls Next Door as an educational tool for teenage girls nationwide, documenting the logical way to find success. There is no need in breaking your piggy bank to scrounge enough for tuition, as that certificate of completion from ITT Tech Career College is unnecessary. Rather, put that money where your second cousin’s mouth has been and invest in a quality boob job, leaving your breasts as round as two snow globes, to hold the attraction of a potential sugar daddy –or in Hef’s case, Splenda Grand Pappy- to make your shameless salary dreams come true.

Although rumor has it, Madison is not the only one said to go. News is surfacing that the Fab Four is breaking up altogether. The girls may all soon move out, leaving Kendra in a shrunk football jersey laughing as she mumbles the word, “hippopotamus” and Bridget decked out in pink frou-frou online shopping elsewhere for Cookie Monster costumes for herself and for her cat. The Girls Next Door will take a literal perspective, as they become the girls who really do live next door. But need not worry, the bedrooms in the Playboy mansion are never left vacant.

Whether Hef has his Miracle Ear on to hear it or not, death is knocking quite loudly. And death is not something to look forward to; a skeleton in a black cloak isn’t the idea of sexy. Hef’s not planning on spending his remaining years, if not months, tied down, if it’s not in the fun way. If the future follows out to Hef’s agenda, he’s going down with a pipe and a smile, as 2 young blondes go down on him.

Udderly Delicious No More

2008-09-27T12:21:00.005-04:00

Udderly Delicious No More
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 27, 2008)

Lactating mothers: crunch into a Vlasic pickle and beware! Hold your slobber babies close and your dripping saggy-bagged boobs closer. Armed with picket signs and breast pumps PETA is on the prowl, sneaking into nurseries, bedrooms, and KB Toy Stores, to fill up empty Quaker Oats containers by the gallon with your mother's milk, all in hopes consumers have a change of heart, along with a change of taste.

In a recent letter to the men behind the name, the magic, and the 42 fat grams per serving of Ben & Jerry's, the animal rights group is asking the ice cream chain to substitute one of its most important ingredients; milk, with the stuff that leaks through the uniform of your postpartum Denny's waitress. Claiming breast milk is to be a better and healthier switch for ice cream fanatics, unlike cow's milk, it is least likely to reek from sun exposure, go chunky after its sell-by date, or be laced with crystal meth.

On behalf of cows worldwide, PETA is standing on top of their soapbox on all fours to say, "Enough is enough! They will no longer be the milk vending machines for the human population! Cows are tired of being yanked around! It stops now!" To which the hefty farm animals added, "Moo."

The hobnob and hapless activist group's solution to the moo moo juice boycott is to have nursing women create, use, and sell out their own milky ways from their own personal mammary glands.

Never mind the droopy diaper youngins who depend on breast milk for nutrition, growth, and developmental bling-bling playa skills in the first place. The rightful owners of the juicy jugs are expected to cry hungry, as tubbos in front of the TV eat up in delight. Dollar General cashier, stay-at-home and out of work mothers are ready to take advantage of the new career opportunity and milk 'em ta-tas for all they're worth, for they have not one, but 2 packages filled with liquid gold resting inside their maternity bras. "Sorry Baby, mama gots to get paid."

As infantile obesity goes into a decline, cow unemployment is set to reach an all time high. Countless of cows will be out of work, standing in line alongside Danny Bonaduce at the social security office. Those whose udders once provided delicious goodness for millions will be let-go and forced into early retirement, set to lead an unproductive and duller life, with only the occasional tip and occasional poop to look forward to.

The BBW stars of the Ben & Jerry's logo are to be replaced with the tease of a sloppy and sleep deprived woman lifting up a vomit-stained Tshirt, exposing her gnawed left nipple. Production is in the beginning works for the future campaign for Ben & Jerry's newest flavors, Chug-A-Jug, Boobie Goodies, and Tasty Tits.

Unfortunately, not everyone picks up a jazzy Ben & Jerry's carton while browsing Winn-Dixie's frozen food aisle. If PETA is successful in passing their Cow Labor Law and with the limited supply of trickling baby mamas, Edy's, Breyer's, and other ice cream brands must rely on other sources. So go ahead and fill up your bowl with 3 scoops of Rocky Road, unbeknownst to you, portions have come from a gorilla's hairy teat.

Source

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Ellen DeGeneres?

2008-09-19T22:37:00.007-04:00

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Ellen DeGeneres?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 19, 2008)

The theory that a lesbian's idea of being fashion forward comes in denim shirts with cut off sleeves, Simon Cowell haircuts, and Berkenstocks is just an old civil-unioned wives tale. No matter how many power drills fill up their garage, lesbians are women too and are just as expected to spend a hefty penny on compacts, nail glue and thong panty-liners like all the straight girls, regardless of the tool belts they swing.

Breaking down the saw dust over Cosmo's Musts sterotype with a goofy dance -and a just as goofy smile- Ellen DeGeneres has become the newest spokesmodel for CoverGirl cosmetics. Dressed in a blazer, New Balance tennis shoes and a shiny new wedding ring, she bumps the closed-closeted big bad mama jamma, Queen Latifah out of her previous position.

Not one you'd expect to pose in front of a camera, DeGeneres is definitely one of those, "Listen El, you got a great personality, but--" types. Her close-up beauty shots may be blurry and out of focus, but her nice funny gal persona and loaded bank account are as clear as day. With no modeling experiance whatsoever, the mop-top scored a million dollar deal, as Tyra Banks spends months training aspiring models, making them strut in an infested shark tank in meat-covered underwear in order to land a job with CoverGirl; when all it really takes is a distinctive nose and a harmless PG-Rated Brangelina joke.

CoverGirl now embraces their newest motto: It's What's On The Inside That Counts But You Can Really Use Some Concealer.

With DeGeneres as the fresh pony face for the cosmetic line, the move is sure to lasso in a much needed clientelle. Women who never bothered with makeup, hairspray, or a penis are now cramming CVS aisles after getting word from the Godmother. Tearing up the Living Lez Guidebook, chicks who once wore their scars like a badge of honor ("I got this one on my cheek after my girl broke my glasses. She was sitting on my face when it happened") are now required to pick up CG's new liquid foundation and blend, blend blend.

Equality for all.

Why should drag queens and trannies have all the fun putting on a fabulous face for their Cher tribute show and why should heteosexual women be the only ones to get into fender benders attempting to put on mascara while driving on the freeway?

Putting their famined staff to work, CoverGirl is expanding to a very large and left-out demographic, and there's no better spokesmodel to reach out to their target audience than Ellen DeGeneres -- unless, this unravels into another Anne Heche blunder.

Source

OMG! LC Crooks and Writes a Book

2008-09-14T19:38:00.009-04:00

OMG! LC Crooks and Writes a Book
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Sept. 14, 2008)

Over the years many women have played major roles in the literary world. As authors, poets, and hot air balloon columnists, several are successful in their contribution to the written word. Iconic greats like Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, and Tori Spelling now welcome in the latest to join the Prose Hoes gang, Lauren "LC" Conrad, who as of last week, only expressed love in writing by signing her name at the bottom of a Piggly Wiggly on Rodeo receipt.

Somebody call Dr. Seuss! A floozy with a Blackberry is on the loose!

Lauren Conrad: Laguna Beach alum, former Teen Vogue intern, fabulous fashion designer, and blank-stare extraordinaire, has just landed a 3-book deal with Harper Collins. The Hills faux-reality (and alleged sex tape) star is planning on penning up a series of YA novels that are to be found in the Teen Spirituality section at the neighborhood Borders, sharing the same shelf with Senseless Credibility, The Swell Mar and Are You There God? It's Me, Rumor Willis. Although fictional, the novels are said to be inspired by the uplifting tales of Conrad's own bitches from riches life.

Protagonist Susan Pronad is set out to make a life for herself in Los Angeles working as a fake strip club promoter, wearing oversized sunglasses and always showing up fashionably late to hot parties thrown by Kathy Griffin. The plot revolves around her and her friends who tend to overdramatize minor altercations such as, "I'm sorry, but you got a Power Muff. I just can't be friends with someone who wears fur." Hours upon end are spent just talking and talking and talking about oneanother in various settings: beside the inflatable pool, on their RAC rented couch, sitting in a Dave & Buster’s booth, and at the Save The Penny Loafers annual potato-sack race. As camera crews are granted access and if the girls make a conscious effort to memorize their scripts beforehand and to not obviously direct their eyes at the cue cards, will Susan's dream of becoming an authentic human being come true?

In all hopes Conrad's writing style is capable of capturing the same apathetic and monotone narration she displays on her own show, as Pulitzer Prize nominations are on the horizon. Although insiders are hinting the books are being ghostwritten by professional beloved, Holly Madison.

English majors dressed in black turtlenecks across the country are angrily chugging down caramel macchiatos at the news. There is no fairness as an uneducated spoof effortlessly scoops up a publisher, while others are obligated to sleep with the tubby-pizza-faced receptionist at Random House and anxiously await, while their book of poems, My Last Breath. Did I Remember to Use AquaFresh? gathers dust.

As Audrina puts her freshly baked rack to use filming the blockbuster, Into the Blue 2: Drowning Never Felt So Long, and with Heidi getting cozy in a recording studio finishing up her highly-awaited super smash album alongside cult leader, doofus, and fiancé Spencer, The Hills girls are breaking out like Jessica Simpson's face in her Proactiv commercials. Never the one to play copycat or trim Jason Wahler's beard, Conrad was left without any options, a book deal was the only way to go in expanding the LC empire.

Unfortunately, teenage America doesn't bother reading Pop Tart warning labels, Swiffer Wet Jet manuals, or Planned Parenting pamphlets, let alone a fictional book based on a life that was fictional to begin with. Reading a book can take days, sometimes weeks! There is no sense in going through the time and trouble when The OC, 90210, and That's So Raven complete seasons are already out on DVD.

Source

The Phelps Phenomenon

2008-08-18T18:18:00.008-04:00

The Phelps Phenomenon
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (August 18, 2008)

He's the Little Engine That Could, only he's not so little. At 6'4", he topples over most of the employees at the local Home Depot and with an arm span that can wrap around Kim Kardashian's ass twice, has the machinery to swim as fast and frantic as a Cuban refugee dog-paddling his way to the Florida coast. Collecting Olympic gold medals like Brody Jenner collects STDs, he has freestyled, breaststroked, butterflied, and stolen the title of America's Greatest Hero from Howie Mandell in just one week.

He's a record breaker, moneymaker, gold-taker, and shoulder-shaker; he's Michael Phelps.

Only 23 years-old and he's already flashing more gold medallions than a Colombian drug lord, or any other athlete in the history of the Olympics for that matter. The Speed Racer is the first to ever score 8 for 8 at a single Olympic Games, and throughout the height of his popularity, has never once slept with Paris Hilton. What a feat.

A media frenzy has exploded. From every toe-dip-temperature-test to the internet porn he surfs through between swimming meets, TV cameras have broadcasted his every move, every dive, and every bowel movement, disallowing him any privacy or sanitary wipes -just as Michael Lohan would demand it if ever granted his own reality show. (I Don't Know How to Shut Up. When Will I Ever Learn That Nobody Cares? Please Look At Me! with Michael Lohan)

Program directors are making it a top priority to zoom-in on the stars and stripes on the bulge of his swimsuit, making sure all the world knows where he comes from. The United States may be the land of the fatties, with Ritalin doped-up school children and a president who looks like a chimpanzee, but the country's also home to a vicious swimming maniac of a champion who can effortlessly swipe your pot of gold, accomplishing it all on foreign soil and chlorine pools. In your face, Commies!

Americans haven't been this patriotic since Nipplegate 2004 during Super Bowl XXXVII.

It's a nationwide outbreak of The Phelps Phever; symptoms include head bursting screaming at your television, attempting to backstroke in your half-filled bathtub, throwing on a pair of swimming goggles and aSpeedo to take a trip to the grocery store, and pissing a mix of Vitamin Water and Sunny Delight. It's very easy to catch, as the excitement is spreading quickly. Parents are advised to vaccinate their infants.

As Michael Mania sweeps the nation, major million dollar endorsement deals for the young swimming soldier are beginning to follow. Nike has called and so has Geico and 1800MATTRESS. With his hairless armpits and non-existant happy trail, assumingly there are no tangles in his underground jungle, as Phelps is now the new spokesperson for Gillette razors.

Although his chin can challenge Jay Leno in a faceoff and his ears pan out like wings on a pterodactyl, that can ultimately work against him in the water, or with the ladies, his features are no hindering to his speed, agility, and universal fame.

He can mash-potatah and do the twist; Michael Phelps is capable of just about anything he sets his mind on. It's going to take a hefty amount of supersonic fairy dust to fill his shoes-- but Michael Phelps doesn't even own a pair of shoes!

Scoot Over Sally O'Malley: Madonna's 50!

2008-08-16T22:59:00.010-04:00

Scoot Over Sally O'Malley: Madonna's 50!
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (August 16, 2008)

She can kick, stretch, kick, and contort herself into a human pretzel while wearing thigh-high boots. Madonna's 50-years-old, ladies and gentlemen.

With half a century and a couple of G-Shots under her belt, it seems the blonde ambitionist has already done it all; from being the most successful female recording artist of all time, to starring in critically ashamed movies, to smuggling Malawian babies, to kissing Britney Spears, to conceiving unibrow-children, to even releasing photo documentation of herself having sex with a dog. The woman surely fills up quite the lengthy resume.

Although some of her accomplishments in the bizz have ultimately bitten her in the ass (pun intended), like a true Superstar, Madonna continues to rise above it all. No stranger at trying anything once (Vanilla Ice, anyone?), throughout the bad choices she may have committed in her 25+ career, Lady M is still going strong. (No, really. She's like super strong. Have you seen the biceps bursting out of her sleeveless Versace dresses? She can totally take down lesbo-buddy, Rosie O’Donnell. No sweat.)

Born Madonna Louise Ciccone, Little M was raised in a suburban Michigan town in a Roman Catholic family of six. Fifty years later, as the crowned Queen of Pop, she holds a larger fan base than the original Lady Madonna herself. Immaculate Conception? Ha! Try the Immaculate Collection. A portrait of Madonna's vagina miraculously appearing on your morning toast is worth far more on eBay than what that grilled cheese sandwich with the imprint of the Virgin Mary's face ended up selling for.

She has contributed so much to the world, and it's not only with her body-moving music or her SEX book penmanship or her role in one of the best movies of all time, Desperately Seeking Susan.

As the poster child for Botox done right and an English accent done wrong, Madonna's been the go-to gal for the latest fads for years. In the beginning of her career she had little girls hanging out in malls everywhere up to their elbows in plastic bracelets, and in the late 80s made cleavage church attire. Following into the 90s, the modern day housewife was sporting a Jean-Paul Gaultier cone bra under her cashmere sweater, and because of her newfound faith, towards the end of the decade many whitebread Americans were getting Henna tattoos.

Nowadays she has everyone in Hollywood scrabbling through their grandma's sewing kit, looking for red string to tie around their wrist. Having the power to influence people into converting into a new religion; now THAT's a trendsetter!

Much to the Moral Majority's dissatisfaction, Madonna isn't going anywhere. Still dishing out top-selling albums, collaborating on tracks with the young and the studly (Mr.JT), selling out stadiums around the world, and jotting down new names in her little overstuffed black book. (Filed under "R" for "Rodriguez, Alex") Madge proves age isn't anything but a number.

After all these years, everyone is still interested. So shut up and listen, because Madonna always has something to say. Her Majesty isn't retiring her crown anytime soon. Bow down to her. Bow down.

("Who is Sally O'Malley?")

Girl You Know It's True Ooh Ooh Ooh That Ain't You

2008-08-14T16:29:00.005-04:00

Girl You Know It's True Ooh Ooh Ooh That Aint You
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (August 14, 2008)

We can't continue to fill their heads with false hopes. You gotta teach girls when they're young; no matter how talented you may be, whether it's in acting, singing, or underwater basket weaving, if you don't have the pretty face to make yourself a star, you must settle for a spot in a dark planetarium.

At age 7, Yang Peiyi has learned just that. The little China girl was scheduled to sing a patriotic tune at the Summer Olympic Opening Ceremony in Beijing in front of the mega loads of a worldwide broadcast. But after a better look at her less-than-glamorous head shot, the tiny Hannah-Montana-wishful was pulled from the performance like a bad night at the Apollo at the very last minute.

Her munchkin features and the obvious weight problem in her baby-fat physique, were found unsatisfactory in representing the Chinese nation, and was quickly replaced by 11-year-old model/actress/gecko, Lin Miaoke, who although lacked the vocal chords, had some things Peiyi didn’t: composure, experience, and a full set of teeth.

Learning from the best performers in the US, such as Ashlee Simpson and Britney Spears, the wise elders in charge of the ceremony decided that lip-synching was the answer to their ugly dilemma, and ultimately pasted Peiyi's voice onto Miaoke's face, unbeknownst to the spectators around the globe, or the deaf.

Putting her acting skills to the test, as Peiyi belted it out behind the scenes, Miaoke simply stood in front of the international audience, gleaming and eating up instant fame and publicity, all by playing make-believe. (Pretty much how Bill O’Reilly acts in front of the mirror every morning while listening to Barbra Streisand.)

A crime has been committed. Billions of people have been deceived. If this were the United States Senate, both girls would've been impeached from office by now. But again communism plays a whole different ballgame and the girls are off the hook.

Hopefully, Miaoke does not continue performing concerts and follow in the footsteps of American Grammy-winning, leotard-sporting lip-synching super-duo, Milli Vanilli. The Chinese cannot exactly pull off a dreadlocks-waving persona; their hair is too thin.

As far as Peiyi's singing career, there isn't too much concern. She's still young, and already promises a great face for radio.

Source

Edwards Admits to Scoring Extra Set of Tits

2008-08-10T16:32:00.004-04:00

Edwards Admits to Scoring Extra Set of Tits
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (August 10, 2008)

Life’s tough when you’re a good looking politician. With so many expectations demanded from the public eye; from your standpoint on the panda-gonorrhea epidemic to the side you part your hair; it’s difficult to keep it all together. Governors, mayors, and even the snot-nosed 5th grade class president, are all responsible in holding the image of a model American citizen, which means no satanic goat-roasting rituals, no chewing gum with your mouth open, and surely no scoring pussy on the side.

Yet periodically the wedding ring becomes a piece of scrap metal sitting on a car dashboard, and slip-ups occur, because when you’re a handsome man in the political game, like Kevin Bacon raising havoc in a no-dancing rural town, everybody cuts footloose! Women with overly-teased hair and runs in their stockings, are constantly hopping onto your campaign bus, like drunk groupies piling into the back of Tommy Lee’s tour bus, eager to personally hand-in their voting ballots.

The sexual temptation is everywhere, heavily layered in Spandex undergarments, ruffled blouses, and overpowering shoulder pads. It’s an occupational hazard that is hard to resist.

Take the recent victim to step into the cabinet-filling seduction, Mr. John Edwards. Unfortunately the cutie-patootie did not read the How to Be A Politik-Playa Handbook thoroughly. The 55-year-old North Carolina senator and former Democratic presidential runner, for weeks had been rumored to be in the acts of a love affair with a younger, thinner, crazier, blonder woman who also allegedly spit out a little baby Edwards without the wife’s knowing- or involvement.

Finally on Friday, in order to clear his name and soiled boxer briefs, Edwards put an end to the media speculation and confessed to ABC News, “Yes, I shoplifted the pooty.”

Mostly known as John Kerry’s running mate in the 2004 presidential election, Edwards was the sweet ice cream to Kerry’s rugged waffle cone. A handsome Southern man who came with the chubbo wife, the kids, and Americana package, Edwards had all the women in high-rise Mom Jeans across the country swooning, wanting to break that package wide open.

As luck would have it, ultimately his pretty face couldn’t land him a seat in The White House. As if being labeled America’s Next Top Loser wasn’t enough strain on his gray hairs, coincidently in the days following, the missus of 27 years, Elizabeth Edwards, was diagnosed with breast cancer.

When your girl’s got the cancer boobs, what’s a guy to do?

Chemotherapy is not exactly arousing nor is not being able to hold slumber parties with college buddies in the Lincoln Bedroom. Hmph. Surrounded by such frustrating circumstances, how does one turn that frown upside down?

Like the Leon Phelps before him, the ladies’ man within was unleashed. No need for a glass of Courvoisier here, all Edwards had to do was flash those pearly whites and swing back that luscious mane, and it was bound to make ‘em polyester suits drop into ‘em birthday suits.

The technique worked, and was exactly how he met Ms. Rielle Hunter in 2006. And oh boy, did those two have their fun. But sadly, the escapades were put to a sudden halt with the sounds of a shrieking baby.

Knocking up a heterosexual white woman while your wife’s at home taking Tamoxifen pills, Edwards stayed true to his Democratic roots. Unlike Republican sex scandals, which usually involve a transvestite, a crack pipe, and a public bathroom.

But wait, like a good Danielle Steel novel, the plot thickens. Although Edwards admitted, “I DID have sexual relations with that woman.” he denies claims that he is the father of Hunter’s daughter, who was born February of the year, and is demanding a paternity test to prove he doesn’t carry super sperm.

Taking notes from the guests seen on Maury Polvich, in his defense Edwards states, “How can she pin this baby on me? She ain’t nothin’ but a golddiggin’ hoe! Gobblin’ my Benjamins! That ain’t my baby! We stopped messin’ before she got pregnant. Maybe I ain’t VP, but I can do math! That bitch was screwin’ the whole campaign party, shit… I love my wife. Vote for me!”

All this slander and jibber-jabber, and time is being wasted. We can easily clear this matter up in a 15-minute segment on an one hour talk show. The number is 1-800-45-MAURY. That’s 1-800-456-2879.

“When it comes to 5 month-old Frances Quinn Hunter, John Edwards... you ARE the panties dropper!"

Source

You. It's What's For Dinner

2008-06-21T19:46:00.011-04:00

You. It’s What’s For Dinner.
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 21, 2008)

The food crisis around the world is amongst us and in full swing- sadly, without one chicken wing. People in third-world countries are gathering around a trashcan for snacks and eating rotten-cabbage-sewage-soup for dinner, and for some in Czech Republic, the epidemic has resulted into serving up a hot plate of one’s own children, with a hint of garlic.

Kalra Mauerova, a mother of two, has been arrested and charged with playing with her food, after chowing down on pieces of both her sons. However, she wasn’t stingy. As head of the household, she was thoughtful to make enough sauteed pinky toes for the rest of the family as well.

The New Age Hansel and Gretel, Ondrej and Jakub Mauerova, ages 8 and 10, were kept alive, between mother’s hearty meals, shackled up in cages like other forms of poultry, or Amy Winehouse on a rough day in between crack binges.

The general public would consider this a form of bad parenting. Cannibalism is never once mentioned in Dr. Spock’s Best Finger Food For Kids. Yet, the act is not completely irrational. Not everybody can afford culinary school. We’re not all Rachel Ray with the flattest chest on TV. Many people are left to make use of the resources around them to satisfy their appetite. There’s no sell-by date on humans. Raw flesh is always fresh.

Don’t hate until you’ve eaten a piece of Ethan, okay? People are so reluctant to order something new off the menu. A few are adventurous enough to enjoy crispy frog legs, fried earthworms, and chewy cow tongue, but taking a bite out of your child’s forearm is considered crossing the line? What’s so wrong with expanding one’s palette? I’m sure Anthony Bourdain is no stranger to the taste of an 8oz. grilled bicep.

With all the blood involved in such raw meat, they better be using napkins! Cannibal or no cannibal, there’s still something called manners.

As a result to her offspring buffet, the all-you-can-eat mother has had her children taken away, but I doubt she’ll starve. In case Mauerova ever gets hungry, pregnancy is all that’s necessary. Fruit of the womb; a baby is basically the purest form of produce.

But it seems silly to have the timer set to 9 months for a good meal, when there’s an Arby’s drive-thru just around the corner. At the same time, roast beef doesn’t compare to roast feet.

Source
-Hey Mom, what’s for dinner?
-Look in the mirror, sweetie!

Legally Bimbo with Tila Tequila

2008-06-15T22:14:00.017-04:00

Legally Bimbo with Tila Tequila
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (June 15, 2008)

Changing the world, one tongue bath at a time, MTV’s own reality-dating spit-swapping princess, Tila Tequila has single handedly (pun intended) legalized gay marriage in the state of California. Thanks to her –and only her- same-sex couples are finally allowed to wed, and also get a free bikini wax with their jager bombs.

With absolutely no political background, Tila proves a greasy skank in a string bikini, holds much more power than any lawmaker. Just ask Democratic pant-suit-loser, Hillary Clinton, who passed on her husband’s campaign advice.

A bisexual woman, who enjoys playing with both baseball bats and catcher’s mitts, Tila insists that it was indeed, her own television show, Shot of Love with Tila Tequila that played the focus factor in the US’s growing acceptance in homosexuality.

Unlike other popular dating TV programs, such as The Bachelor and Flavor of Love, that discriminate towards the slutty ways of one gender, Tila Tequila mixes it up a bunch of Frat-crashing-horndogs, along with a batch of dyke and lipstick lesbians, both drama-loving teams battling it out for Mistress McSlutty's affection -- and usually, it’s everyone at the same time.

Helping build gay tolerance in America, Tila Tequila shines light on the boundlessness and seriousness of true love, by having her hopeful contestants, hump inflatable animals, eat raw pig testicles, and make out in VD-infested Jacuzzis.

Opening eyes by opening her legs. History in the making. So take note. This will all be on your test later

Source
(All I gotta say is, make up your damn mind! Those bisexuals are so greedy; sitting on a fence, while sitting on someone’s face. )

It's a Nice Day For a Wentz Wedding

2008-05-18T04:17:00.005-04:00

It's a Nice Day for a Wentz Wedding
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (May 18, 2008)

Like rushing to the toilet after a Taco Bell dinner, Ashlee Simpson has charged down the altar, dragging fiancée, Pete Wentz, by the back of his ugly gray hoodie, with her. Directly following in the strappy heels of her older sister Jessica, Ashlee has not only starred in her own reality show and dished out a couple of crummy albums, but has just gotten married to a boy band member, as well- a just as queer, Fall Out Boy band member, that is.

Although both Simpson sisters each have some celebrity interest, a Youth Minister turned money-hungry-exploiting- manager of a father and 2 big boobs, Ashlee now hides a small bundle under her LAMB shirt, that Jessica has never had the opportunity of smuggling. For the first time, the 23 year-old younger sibling has beaten her big sis to the punch, in the baby bump race!

(Poor Jessica didn't even know they were running. It's not like she had a chance at winning lately, especially now since her Dallas Cowboys boyfriend, Tony Romo, has just said "No mo'!")

Quite possibly the smartest career move Simpson has made since dancing the jig after her SNL lip-synching mishap, there is no greater promotional tool than getting knocked up. Oh how the public loves to watch celebrities put on the pounds. We can't help to read the tabloids and eat up those ballooning-figure pics for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

A Hollywood pregnancy guarantees at least 12 full months of press coverage, from Whoa! She's About to Unload to Baby's First Magazine Cover. Throw in a shotgun wedding and things will throw Ryan Seacrest into seizure. Any publicity can only help Simpson's new album that has already crashed and burned, after less than a month of its release. The little growing surprise fetus couldn't have arrived at a better time. Motherhood may give Simpson's breasts a little sag, but it's sure to give her career a little boost.

The emergency nuptials between Simpson and Wentz came after only a few weeks of their engagement. A baby born out of wed-lock; that is so punk rock. But this couple is so not, punk rock. Wedding attire was most likely bought from Hot Topic stores, with the groomsmen in argyle sweater vests under black blazers with cartoon skull crests on the breast pocket. While the bridesmaids wore polka-dotted dresses over neon tights with plastic pearls and plenty of colorful rubber bracelets.

As the spunky twosome exchanged vows, it appeared as a moment stolen from the movie Beetlejuice.

Of course later, at the dinner reception, Maid-Of-Honor Jessica, looked up from her plate confused and asked a nearby guest "Is this chicken what I have or is this fish?"

To which he looked at her and answered, "That's a cheeseburger."

America's Next Top Model Finishes Big

2008-05-15T19:01:00.003-04:00

America's Next Top Model Finishes Big
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (May 15, 2008)

America's Next Top Model's newest winner has her cake and eats it too- with chocolate mousse and fudge-vanilla swirl ice cream, along with a side order of lemon meringue pie. Let's just hope she remembers to save a piece for Tyra!

Hailing from northern Florida, 20 year-old Whitney Thompson is not the kind of girl who's ashamed to ask for seconds, as long as it's not 2nd place. And with the ambition that matches her appetite, the curvy gal has been named the first plus-size champion in ANTM history, and history of reality series everywhere, for that matter.

With the season finale of Cycle 10, America's Next Top Model welcomed in the size 10 along with it. Finally getting some recognition, girls with real body shapes across the country are overjoyed with the outcome. Real girls, whose thighs stick together whenever they sit and arm flab that flaps with each effortless move, oh-so proudly, like an American flag waving in the wind.

Some may say the Southern belle holds the body-type of the average American woman, but the average American woman is fat. This nation is built on McDonald's $1 Menu and the motto: More is more, but now, like an STD on Lindsay Lohan's toilet seat, the theory has spread- to the fashion world, no less!

The success of America's Next Top Model is not a tough equation to figure out. We love to judge. Whether it’s falling off a runway in 6in stilettos, sobbing over a haircut, or getting called a tranny look-a-like by Paulina Porizkova, we love to watch thin and beautiful girls being made as fools. It makes the hair growing on our upper lip not so bad. Thanks to the show, we don't have to rely on sneaking behind someone's back in order to talk smack; it's now as easy as sitting in front of the TV.

Yes, the fashion world is completely unrealistic compared to what you see in the mirror and on the street, or dare I even say, on the scale, but that's a huge part of its appeal. Getting paid thousands of dollars to wear designer gowns, dating and partying with the hottest celebs, and living off a diet of cocaine, champagne and cigarettes, with the daily ExLax? It's a fantasy world.

Due to jealousy, insecurity, and straight-out haterade, it's nearly impossible to keep oneself from pointing out the imperfections of these almost-perfect people. It's fun. But here comes Whitney with her badonkadonk and ANTM brand behind her, to totally flip it. Like always, the big girl spoils the fun, because with a plus-size model, there's guilt involved. Who are we to pick apart someone who is not 34-24-36, while we watch and sit on our couch pigging out on Tostitos? It's hard to go against one of your own.

This is nothing but bringing false hope to young girls everywhere. What are these crazy ideas we're filling our children’s' minds with? As if a fatty can advance in society.

Personally, my heart broke once Fatima was shockingly eliminated from the final 3 in the competition. USA for Africa, my ass.

Wait, what's that sound coming down the runway? Ah, it's the rumble of the thunder thighs, with Whitney leading the way!

Mini-Post :Survey Says Gobble Gobble!

2008-05-05T18:25:00.006-04:00

Mini-Post: Survey Says Gobble Gobble!
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (May 4, 2008)

Something you confuse your 9 year-old son for while out hunting?

TURKEY!

Source

Rocky the Grizzly Says He's BEAR-ly Guilty

2008-04-25T22:20:00.003-04:00

Rocky the Grizzly Says He’s BEAR-ly Guilty:
In His Own Words
As Told to Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 25, 2008)

RAWR! I’m a bear!

I tower over you like a tidal wave set to crush and hold the weight of 500 bags full of canned beef. I have claws that can rip the skin off your face, along with the strength to mangle and distort your body into my own (non-)living Picasso.

I never floss, I never wipe, and I never shave- because I am a bear.

Sometimes people forget this, and I’m not too sure why. Humans claim to be the evolved and smarter species, with your hybrid cars and spray-on tans, yet you lack the common knowledge that I can kill you, as effortlessly as popping open a can of beer, because I am a bear.

My name is Rocky, and I’m a Grizzly. I appear in movies and TV commercials, and occasionally perform stunts for your stupid enjoyment. Things were already turning sour, when I recently got myself into a little predicament.

You see, earlier this week I accidentally “attacked” one of my trainers. I took a little-itty-bitty bite out of his neck, and ultimately it led to his death.

As sad as everyone appears to be, I have to admit, this is sort of a rite a passage for me. As a young cub, I always enjoyed tales of the violent acts committed by my ancestors that have taken place over centuries. Deep down inside, I feel whole.

Although, as easy as it is for me to take someone’s life, I’m telling you, this one was a total slip. Aren’t we allowed one of those every now and then? What’s manslaughter between coworkers, huh?

Look, I’m sorry- then again I lack compassion and empathy when it comes to human beings. Accidents happen. He was handling me; I’m a bear

Times are hard enough, with having to add the box-office flop, Semi-Pro, onto my resume. I’m only 5 years old and already getting dragged down with Will Ferrel’s dwindling career. There is not enough awareness of the pressures on Animal Stars in Hollywood. But I’m not an animal star; I’m a bear.

I am warrior of the forest.

If I had it my way, I’d be living it up in the Alaskan wilderness, alongside my girl with the biggest and hairiest ass in the Pacific Northwest. You know, one of those classy broads that can rip up a lost and mindless camper, and make a necklace of their intestines.

In the end, I guess all I can say is, “Oops! My bad.” But how many times do I have to repeat myself? I’m a frickin’ bear!

Source

Abortion Girl Makes a Swirl with Spin Art

2008-04-20T15:09:00.013-04:00

Abortion Girl Makes a Swirl with Spin Art
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 20, 2008)

No matter what mood you may be in, I don't know of anyone who'd pass up on a good dead baby joke. But of course, leave it to some performance artist with matted hair to screw it up for the rest of us, because a new sanguinary controversy ain't bringing in any LOLs.

Aliza Shvartz, an art student at Yale University, decided for her final project to knock herself up only to knock the embryos out, over and over again. The art comes in when she videotapes it all (Hopefully with a tripod; nothing more nauseating than watching a shaky screen!) and uses the blood and matter collected from her abortions as her medium.

Using your own blood after running out of paint is understandable, but this is kind of pushing it. There's no word on where or how she was able to preserve her bodily deposits during the process, but it wouldn't be too surprising to find them all stored in her own refrigerator, right next to last night's Chinese.

Shvartz is one of those Do-It-Yourself types. And when it came to getting pregnant, did things a little differently than the average drunk college skank. She didn't actually have sex with anyone, since men can be so undependable. And when it came to the periodical evictions, didn't even bother going to an abortion clinic. Instead she took semen donations -from buds with plenty to share- to insert into her snatch with a syringe. Then later she'd open up a box of Plan B and wait it out --sitting alongside an egg timer. DING!

Sounds like another attention-grabby feminist with grizzly bear armpits and misfitted clothes on the prowl, but I doubt even Ani DiFranco would have Shvartz's back on this one.

Such an ordeal for the sake of art. I mean, who really wants to be the owner and manager of some deranged import-export business? All the inserting and aborting, inserting and aborting; it sounds so tiring, not to mention messy. But obviously monthly visits from Aunt Flow aren't enough for a solid piece.

As shocking and appalling as it all is, one can only pray she did a reasonable job at cleaning up after herself. If not, then that would just be bad etiquette.

After learning about the exhibit, Yale University claims it to all to be a hoax, and that so-called blood documented actually came from a Heinz bottle, rather than Shvartz's vagina. Shvartz's still stands by her work, stating that the project, is in fact, the real deal, and that what you see, is what you hope to never get with your shrimp cocktail.

Either way, now Tub Girl's finally got a run for her money.

Source 1 Source 2

The one that got away:

Will Project's Sashay Make It Work?

2008-04-12T14:31:00.000-04:00

Will Project's Sashay Make It Work?
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 12, 2008)

Auf Wiedersehen, Bravo! Later this year, Heidi Klum and gang are set to catwalk into the BenGay/Chanel No.5 smelling arms of Lifetime Television. It seems Project Runway is out to reach a larger demographic; one that includes senior citizens and single women who tend to overeat, snacking on Oreos while watching The Nanny.

A FIERCE competition among up-and-coming fashion designers, Project Runway is one of Bravo's highest rated shows. Along with a supermodel, it also happens to star the superstud, Tim Gunn. One can only guess the motivation behind the drastic move from its (soon-to-be former) network.

Was Heidi intimidated by Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi and tangled up in some post-supermodel rivalry? (Was Padma threatening to pack up her knives and go at it?) Or was it James Lipton, with his glued-on facial hair and stenciled glasses? Did the Inside the Actors’ Studio host pass on an ass-kissing interview with Santino Rice? I bet it was that lesbian, Jackie Warner from Workout, with her dumbbells and bronchitis-beaver voice. Oh, the hostility.

Be as it may, the show must go on, even if it feels like switching from satin to cotton panties.

Better known for its made-for-TV movies revolving around themes such as adultery, rape, domestic violence, and battered women, the Lifetime network may just give the reality series the juiciness its been lacking.

A designer creating an outfit out of human hair? How dull. Now, a designer creating an outfit out of human hair AND cheating on their lover with the host's dog groomer who just got out of jail for puppy pedophilia? Now THAT's hairy with high ratings guaranteed! Plus the cost of fleas.

If all is set to plan, Heidi's farewells should switch from air kisses to a slap across the face. "You are out! GET OUT!" While the judges will flip from fashion-smart Nina Garcia and Michael Kors to turkey-smart Valerie Bertinelli and Melissa Gilbert

Unfortunately, as Project Runway moves to a network familiar to most as "television for women", it brings a new sexist spin along with it. This is bound to draw a negative effect on the show's package-carrying viewers (who love 'em package-carrying contestants). For the past 4 seasons, 3 out of the 4 winners have been men. Deservingly so. Now it seems eliminations wail be 2 ovaries: in. 2 testicles: out.

It may be too soon to tell, but predictions for the future winning collection are said to look something like this:

The Butthole Surfers Will Stop at Nothing

2008-01-19T22:02:00.000-05:00

The Butthole Surfers Will Stop at Nothing
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 19, 2008)

Ah, the butthole; an often overlooked part of the human body. Its role plays such a great deal of importance, it's right up there with the heart, brain, and the big toe. If anyone were unlucky enough to ever encounter a serious butthole malfunction, things could get critical, and possibly even deadly.

Daily wipes ain't enough. People just aren't aware of how high maintenance the butthole actually is. It demands diamonds and pearls and trips to St. Topaz. Your asshole is a temple and it deserves to be kept in tip-top shape! You owe it to yourself and you owe it to It to get that thing checked out as often as possible.

But surely, there are roadblocks. The passageway is almost impossible to really get into on your own. You can ask it all you want, "Is everything going okay in there?" but the butthole is rather unresponsive -- verbally, at least. So how can you really make sure? Fortunately, there are doctors out there who are happy to lend you a hand.

Regrettably, such valuable information was never passed on to Brian Persaud, who is now suing a New York hospital after receiving a rectal exam he didn't ask for. On job as a construction worker, Persaud was rushed to the Emergency Room after being struck by a fallen beam. (Where was his hardhat?) He was given a couple of stitches and thorough medical procedure, a finger up the butt.

The poor man was completely oblivious to the favor that was taking place. He was getting a 2 for 1 deal! It's like coming home from a Burger King Drive-Thru and discovering an extra bag of fries with your order. So really, it's a steal!

You would think the blow to the head would've knocked some sense into the fellow, but such isn't the case. A serious hospital matter or not, Brian Persaud let it be known that his ass was completely off-limits! In desperate attempt to shield his butthole from invaders, things got violent and the patient ended up hitting one of the doctors. Eventually, he was sedated and given the examination without a fight.

But why go to such great lengths to avoid something that was inevitable? Why go as far as to physically assault someone who wears a white coat on a daily basis? You know those guys don't work out.

It is possible that he had missed his last ass wax/anal bleach appointment the week before, and was embarrassed by the stubble and discoloration. I mean, there were probably ladies present. What kind of first impression would that bring?

And of course, there is the fear of the official word getting out. Nothing worse than your construction worker buddies' constant heckling.

In the morning on site, someone making coffee asks, "So how do you take it?"
And before Brian gets a chance to answer "2 sugars, please”, a coworker chimes in, "Oh, he likes to take it up the butt."

And if that's the reason, then he brought all of it upon himself. Obviously, going to the Supreme Court with your rectal exam case isn't a smart way to keep people -and most of America- from finding out that yes, you are no stranger to having the door opened to your rear entrance. (But hey, who's to judge? Some people dig it, and others don't.)

By the way,
Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Source
**Thanks to Nigel, the biggest Assman there is, for sharing this article for me.

Finding Your Husband in the Womb

2008-01-13T19:09:00.000-05:00

Finding Your Husband in the Womb

by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 13, 2008)

The Brits are onto something rather brilliant, and it's not just Hugh Grant's film career. People everywhere spend so much time and money searching for that special someone to love, only to be left discouraged and lonesome. Where is Mr. Right? You need not look far.

As the English have found out, when it comes to finding a mate, there's an easier way -- an ancient way, almost. (It may not be something Jesus would do, but Noah would definitely encouraged it) For it has been discovered in London, twins separated at birth have gotten married, on “accident”.

There was something real about him, hmm? You always felt you both came from the same place. Well, now that proves to be true, literally.

Identities and further information on the twins are being withheld until the producers of All My Children (that's a pun,kids.) dish out enough money for the rights, but I think it's safe to say the new-found brother and sister are a fraternal pair. If not, not only would they have been overlooking the obvious, but they would also have to be the most self-involved couple on the planet. "You are beautiful!" "No, YOU are beautiful."

The story on how they came to be is probably something along the lines of, "I was looking across the room, to what I thought was my reflection in the mirror, but low and behold, it was my future husband."
Her spouse would add, "My initial attraction was that she was just like me, but with great breasts."

However, leave it to the British courts to hand the happy couple over with an annulment, as to say a marriage to a blood-relative is not legit. Their brother-sister bond is a bit of an extreme, but what is the big deal? It is love regardless, which means it's 2 Legit 2 Quit.

Now their marriage has become another statistic; a sacred union shattered over some shared DNA. But who knows, maybe they’ll be lucky enough to find their biological parents on Match.com.

If anything, the two can always move to Alabama, USA, where their relationship will be welcomed with open arms and six-pack of beer.

Source

The "Dr." is Before the "Phil" for a Reason, Y'all

2008-01-06T16:41:00.000-05:00

There's a "Dr." Before the "Phil" for a Reason, Y'all
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 6, 2008)

Dr. Phil likes to think his first name is really "Doctor". He has taken it upon himself to send out a national press release -to respectable news outlets like "Entertainment Tonight" and "The Insider"- to state the shocking: "Britney Spears is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention."

TV's Dr. Phil, who's "been doing this for 30 years" as he says time and time again on his show, has obviously never heard of doctor-patient confidentiality. And even more surprising, has yet to turn on a TV or read a newspaper for as long as he's "been doing this".

It's not a victorious time for women; Hilary Clinton fell behind Barack Obama in the Iowa caucuses, Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto has been assassinated and Britney Spears has been hospitalized, ya'll! (In case you missed it, just tune into the next episode of COPS -- drug addict single mother holds her kids hostage during a police negotiation, ends up leaving in a stretcher...yada yada yada.)

For almost a couple of years now we've wondered, Does Britney Spears need real help? From the shot-gun marriages to the babies to the rehab stint to the weird robot-voice-alterations in her songs.

Britney's personal life, whether intentional or not, has always been on display. She leaves nothing to the imagination, either. The entire world has seen both the curtains and the carpet, or lack thereof. (Get it? She shaves both her head and cooch completely! Alright, dumb joke) But was it all just poor decision making?

Thankfully -and finally!- Dr. Phil has cleared the air. The saint even went as far as to visit Britney Spears at the hospital she was staying, only to walk out with his troubled "diagnosis", if you will. He claims a real concern over the girl, but I'm sure the real sorrow comes from security disallowing his camera crew to follow him inside. Could you imagine his ratings?

Dr. Phil's the kind of man that will call you an "ugly looking crack whore" on national television; tough love or self love? (You may not be a crack whore, Phil, but you sure are ugly) And is most likely in the works on his latest book, titled, "Dr. Phil: I Am the Voice of Reason"

But yes, although it may be hard to believe, Phillip Calvin McGraw is actually a clinical psychologist. Years ago, he earned his PhD from the University of North Texas. And universities in Texas just don't give diplomas away, do they? Lots of educated people come from the state, like... *crickets chirp*

I don't know what Dr. Phil is trying to do, but he ain't fooling me. Everybody in the entire WORLD knows the only opinion that matters is Oprah's. You down with O.Winfrey? Yeah you know me!

And Britney-
If you want drug-induced crazy attention, this is how it's done:

Learn something. (The goods dont start till 2:34)

How many times has Courtney had Frances Bean taken away from her? Woman is queen of rehab. Woman is queen, period.
(I miss Kurt Loder)

Source

Crowning Miss Psychopath 2008

2008-01-05T13:18:00.000-05:00

Crowning Miss Psychopath 2008
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 3, 2008)

Kumari Fulbright, a Miss Arizona hopeful, cannot bag herself a man, You'd think being a beauty queen -and beauty being the operative word- keeping men close would be as easy as the breadpudding she puked up the night before. But nope, someone switched to whole foods. Instead, she relies on herself, along with the help of 3 others, to hold her ex-beau captive for hours, having him tied down to a chair while being beaten and threatened with weapons.

Now, the former Miss Pima County faces charges from kidnapping to robbery to aggravated assault. And if there's any justice in the system, the so-called "victim" will be charged as being a whiney bitch. It wouldn't be surprising to find that he was already a member of the S&M community to begin with. Being tied-down is a common fetish as is. Who's to say he didn't enjoy it? (Who's to say I don't enjoy it?!) Stop crying and take it like a man! -- the safety word is, "Miss USA!"

The whole dispute was over some stolen jewelry or the other, but do we honestly care? Absolutely not. Why bother learning motives when there's this glamourous mugshot getting its face pasted all over the internets? Why, yes, Kumari, no wonder you've made your way in pagentry. It must be your striking resemblance to Sandra Bernhard after a hard night doing Jager shots at a dyke bar,

Girl needs a stylist. Judges take points off for that. Committing crimes or not, if you want that crown, you got to look good doing it. But here she is copying hairstyles from Britney Spears and making a face only a toilet would get excited about. But the real question is, why is she wearing a bedsheet as a top?

The future doesn't seem promising for Kumari. Her boyfriend wont talk to her, she's just been charged with a bunch of felonies, and she can't even afford a real shirt -- let alone, any evening wear.

However, if there's anything America loves, it's heart disease, and controversy involving beauty pagents. And if you win that crown and crave real fame; go out, get drunk, do a couple of lines, and makeout with the nearest hot chick - but you have to have somone taking pictures of it all, of course- and you will get your 15 minutes. Tara Conner, anyone?

All these girls hope to become the next Vanessa Williams, who was not only the first black MIss America, but the first to survive a nude photo scandal, only to later become a singer/actress/celebrity. Sometimes the snow comes down in June / Sometimes the sun goes around the moon -- but there will never be a next Vanessa Williams, just a bunch of Tonya Hardings. And that's what Kumari Fulbright is, another Tonya Harding without the ice skates.

Source

Zoey Signs Up for Pregnancy 101

2008-01-05T13:12:00.000-05:00

Zoey Signs Up For Pregnancy 101
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 18, 2007)

There is no better role model than an older sister, and when your big sis happens to be Britney Spears, you're bound for a bright and promisng future, right? Just ask 16-year-old PREGNANT Jamie-Lynn!

Teen-queen and star of Nickelodeon's Zoey 101 , Jamie Lynn Spears, has got a bun in her barely pre-heated oven. The little one is guilty of pulling a huge jealous-little-sister tantrum; "WHy should Britney get all the attention?! What does she have that I don't have?...Babies!"

Unlike Britney, who didn't start popping them out until she was 23 and married, Jamie-Lynn outdid her big sis by 7 years and got knocked up at 16 to some unknown who doesn't even backup dance. Mama must be proud and Maury Polvich, whose career has been made by exposing teenage baby mama drama, must be ecstatic, since his message is finally reaching America.

Do you KNOW how expensive birth control is? A box of condoms is like, 12 dollars! How do you expect celebrities to have that kind of money? ANd let's not get started on The Pill, not everyone is good with the must-take-everyday routine, especially when they have an ecsatcy habit to keep up with.

If Britney was any example at all to Jamie-Lynn, at least she waited till after The Mickey Mouse Club to whore it out. Jamie-Lynn is still with Nickelodeon. Call me a 90s kid, but I don't remember Clarissa ever getting pregnant. There was never an Clarissa Explains How Babies Are Made episode - even though Sam was practically begging for it, climbing through her bedroom window all the time.

Not even later, with Sabrina The Teenage Witch was there ever a pregnancy scare; although we may never truly know since she could've easily performed an instant-abort with her magical powers. ("You do not do / Goodbye to you!" *points to stomach* ZAP!)

Sadly, it's a new generation; keeping your clothes on is out-of-style. A couple of months ago, one of the stars from Disney's High School Musical, Vanessa Whatsherlastname?, had taken amateur naked photos of herself, only to be later leaked onto the internet. Most likely taken from a friend's digital camera, they weren't even good. The quality was horrible and the posing was eh!

(NOTE: If you're a young starlet anxious to get nude and show the world how much you've grown into a "respectable" woman; WAIT FOR HUGH HEFNER'S PHONECALL! Let the professionals at Playboy magazine take care of ya. There, they can provide hairstylists, makeup artists and photographers that know about good lighting and angles to make your girlie bits look stunning! Cute, yeah? If it ain't Hugh; do not do)

Slutty and/or pregnant teenage girls remind me of high school, they shouldn't remind me of Hollywood too. (Hollywood, CA not Hollywood, FL where ironically, my high school is actually located.)

The Tequila Has Gone Bad!

2008-01-05T13:02:00.007-05:00

The Tequila Has Gone Bad

by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Nov. 22, 2007)

Am I the only person who thinks Tila Tequila looks like an old Vietnamese prostitute who's been working day and night for the past 25 years only to get locked out of house and left out in the sun for the past 10?

If I were to compare her to someone of substance, she'd be the long lost twin to the prunish old lady from There's Somethng About Mary (also known as the magnificent Magda!), which means Tila's tits actually look like THIS!

Male or female, straight or gay; no one would hit that. Skin cancer ain't sexy. How do people like Tila Tequila become famous in the first place? Oh yeah, MySpace. I'm just saying girlfriend, you need to wash your hair

. Shot of Metamucil with Magda

now THAT’S Must-See TV!

Cooooorpsie Crisp!

2008-01-05T12:57:00.002-05:00

Anthony Merino Eats Corpsie Crisp for Breakfast
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Oct. 31, 2007)

Keeping in the spirit of Halloween --

Meet Anthony. This 24-year-old young stud desribes himself as someone who is, "laidback, easy going, and pretty cool to hang out". He plays semi-professional football and is into weight training, which shows in his (horrible camera phone) pictures. With beefy arms and chiseled abs, Anthony has a body to die for. If only the chicks would get it!

Still, Anthony goes to school and majors in engineering while holding a tech job at a hospital, which is where he found his latest fling. Unfortunately on Sunday, the two not-so-young lovers were caught in the ultimate act -- at the hospital morgue.

Back on Anthony's MySpace profile, he admits to never having enough time to do what he wants to do. And obviously, having sex with a corpse was at the top of his list of priorities

Ultimately, Anthony's major downfall was mixing work with play. "I work hard, so I party hard--that's my motto", says the playboy. But doesn't Anthony know; you should never bring the party into the workplace. The two worlds are completely different and should be kept segregated at all times. (Unless sleeping with the boss promises a promotion, and so forth, but those tricks are mostly dominated by women. Sorry buddy)

However, Anthony's personal quote give us all hope as it states, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters to what lies within us." And what laid before you, Anthony, was a dead 92 year-old woman, and what laid within her, was YOU.

-To read the transcript of me and Jamie's theory of Aerosmith's involvement in this horrific act CLICK HERE.

Goodbye Vicki Lynn: Candle in the Whirlwind

2008-01-05T12:51:00.000-05:00

Goodbye Vicki Lynn: Candle in the Whirlwind
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (Feb. 10, 2007)

As they say in real estate, it’s all about location, location, location! And who’s to say the same rule doesn’t apply when it comes to the death of a celebrity? The first time I visited New York City, I took a picture of the floor outside the Dakota Hotel. Why do I have a picture of a slab of concrete?! Of course, it’s the symbolism of it all. This is no ordinary cement, it might as well be a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And if I were ever to travel to L.A., outside the Viper Room is where I’m heading.

The deaths of John Lennon and River Phoenix were not predetermined, at least, not to them. These superstars knew how to die - and didn’t even need to kill themselves!- because it’s all about where it happens. That’s not something us normal human beings have control over. It’s called destiny, star quality, if you will. That little something that stars are born with (and apparently die with also).

Now, the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino? In Hollywood, Florida? Have you ever seen such a place? The city is the poor man’s Jersey Shore. The beaches are 50% seaweed, 25% urine, 20% HIV, and 5% lost Cuban rafters (“¡mierda, este no es Miami!”) Anna, Anna, Anna Nicole, you should’ve known better. Just a couple of miles south and you could’ve made a name for yourself somewhere classy, like The Delano on South Beach.

Dying is probably the worst career move Anna Nicole Smith has ever made. But it’s not surprising, since she’s always had trouble making good ones. How’s a corpse pumped with TrimSpa, silicone and various other chemicals going to inherit a dead husband’s millions? Why die when all this money is at stake?

From a feminist point of view, she allowed male dominance to override. Now her stepson's family is going to get what was already his and that is not girl power. Girl power does not include death --unless you’re Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf, etc. etc.. (Really though, that is HER money, back off Pierce Marshall!! Oh wait, he’s dead too.)

In the fame game, sometimes dying is an automatic win -- if you had the talent. Take Anne Frank or Kurt Cobain; these people are LEGENDS and wouldn’t be considered so if they hadn’t died when and/or how they did. But what did Anna do? As a pre-teen she didn’t write quasi-philosophical diaries while hiding out as a Jew during the Holocaust or as an adult, launch an entirely new genre of music. She was a stripper from Texas turned billionaire wife-widow/Playboy Playmate/Guess model/reality show queen/diet-pill spokesperson. The classic rags to riches story, or g-strings to goldmines , rather.

Anna Nicole Smith was the sexiest widow of the 90’s (sorry, Courtney). My God, she was beautiful. The glam squad did their best at bleaching out her trailer trash roots. She was the icon for big booby girls (the BBG’s) everywhere, whether real or paid for. She milked those tatas for all they were worth. I wish I could do that. I mean, I have a killer rack but never once used it to my advantage. I’d probably be married to a 70-something millionaire by now, living in Malibu, walking around the poolside topless all day with a gold-paper-bag over my head.

Yet the 90’s soon turned into the 2000’s and amongst the magazine covers and court dates, Anna Nicole became America’s Screw-up (again, sorry Courtney.) We even based an entire reality show about it! Do you think anyone really cared about her and Kanye West making beauuuuuuuuuutiful duets? We just loved to watch and laugh.

Americans need that special someone in the limelight to criticize; the more tragic their lives are, the better we feel. Plus it saves us money on anti-depressant medication and all those trips to the therapist’s office?, please, Americans are as lazy as they come. (Cue video of fat people walking on beach boardwalks shot from the shoulders down. “America and Obesity: the Epidemic Continues” More like, “Fatties and Fannypacks: What’s the Deal?”) Who needs Prozac when you can sit in front of your TV with a case of beer watching Tonya Harding’s E! True Hollywood Story?

Anna Nicole Smith was a real person with real emotions, chemically subsided or not. Not everyone shines light on her accomplishments. As a single mother at the age of 26, she married a man that was 89 years old! Now they were married, so some sort of sexual activity is implied - whether once or 1000 - but once is enough. If that doesn’t show strength and determination, I don’t know what could. I applaud her.

Everyone’s concern now is over her five-month old daughter, Danniellynn. As if growing up without a mother and older brother isn’t already travesty, one of her two possible-daddies shares the same name with the [former] king of all media. School is definitely going to be a drag.

“Isn’t your dad that guy that gives away boob jobs to chicks that agree to have bologna get thrown at their ass over the radio?”
“No, my dad’s an attorney. Howard K! Stern. The K is not silent, you halfwit.”

When it comes to celebrity status, Anna Nicole was far from the A-list. She was more B minus/C plus, and I’m grading on a curve. Being that she didn’t commit suicide or wasn’t murdered by an obsessed fan, her celebrity death matches her celebrity status; ehhh…

But there have been much worse in Hollywood’s past. The worst kind of celebrity is the kind that dies in a hospital of some dumb medical condition like heart disease or kidney failure. Famous people should leave those kinds of things for the average working man with the $20,000 income. So thanks Anna, for giving us something to die for, like colon cancer