Oh hell no! Where's The Dog From Hugo?

Oh hell no! Where’s The Dog From Hugo?
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 31, 2012)

Spotlighting the outstanding 4-legged actors of cinema, nominations for the Golden Collar Awards have been released and at Martin Scorsese’s dismay, Blackie, the tail wagging co-star in his film Hugo, was not one of the contenders. The legendary director wrote a letter to the LA Times voicing his disappointment at the award snub. Scorsese defended Blackie’s stellar performance as a train station officer’s guard dog, who barked in a French dialect, drooled on cue, did all her own stunts and never once pooped on the set.

It’s tough getting any recognition as a black actress in Hollywood and for a Doberman, the Golden Collar nominations prove Blackie faces the same racial discrimination. Was her talent overlooked because of the color of her fur? Blackie’s breed is stereotyped as being violent, aggressive, and feast on a diet of fried chicken and watermelon. Yet, the public’s assumption couldn’t be further from the truth. The single mother to a litter of 8, Blackie balances motherhood with her career, always arriving on time for tapings and never biting Sacha Baron Cohen’s head off in frustration after flubbing his lines in take after take of shared scenes.

However, hogging up two spots in the GCA category Blackie should’ve been nominated for, is a little white boy named Uggie. The Jack Russell Terrier is nominated twice for Best Dog in a Theatrical Film for his work in both The Artist and Water For Elephants. The Tom Hanks of canines, Uggie’s mass appeal has already won him the Palm Dog Award at the Cannes Film Festival, a Facebook fan page, and his paw prints cemented at Grauman's Chinese Theater. Scandal arose last year when the pup-arazzi snapped a picture of Uggie licking himself outside a dog park on Rodeo Drive . The photos were plastered on the covers of the tabloids and mentioned on the gossip site, Teddy Hilton. Yet the publicity only pushed his career in show bizz and he is now dating Angelina Collie.

Join the fight for dog star equality and get Blackie the nomination she deserves by posting, “NOMINATE HUGO’S BLACKIE” on Dog News Daily’s Facebook page HERE. If 500 votes are given by February 6, Blackie will be seen at the Golden Collar Awards’ furry red carpet, dressed in a Versace leash and hopefully going home with a golden bone statue on the 13th.


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Til Death Do Us Wed

Til Death Do Us Wed
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 24, 2012)

A woman in Thailand was forced to marry against her will while helplessly lying dead in a casket. The wedding vows, “Till death do us part” were completely disregarded after the groom, trying very hard not to break off any of his bride’s limbs, carefully placed a ring on her brittle finger.

The ceremony took place during Sarinya Kamsook's funeral after losing her life in a car accident earlier this month. Scoring a 2 for 1 deal with the temple, Kamsook's living boyfriend, Chadil Deffy, was able to pay his last respects and wed his corspe bride simultaneously. The nuptials took place with Kamsook cold and safe in her coffin after fears arose of the bride's body falling to pieces while getting dragged down the aisle.

Unfortunately deceased, Kamsook was unable to voice any opinion in the wedding planning from the dress, the cake, the flower arrangements or the DJ playing "Thriller" during the couple's first dance.

The groom posted the wedding video and photos on Youtube and Facebook to share with family, friends, and millions of unknown strangers. Criticism arose that the mortifying marriage wasn't an act of a hopeless romantic but a desperate ploy at a publicity stunt that has landed Deffy as the web's newest celebrity next to Keenan Cahill and the Dramatic Chipmunk. Regardless of the intention, hooking up with a dead chick is nothing new. Just ask Tom Petty.

Luckily there's no footage on how the wedding night was spent between the newlyweds or if any acts of necrophilia took place in the moment of passion, though it seems Mrs. Deffy will be spending her honeymoon alone six feet under ground while her husband sips on cocktails, alive and breathing on their couples cruise to the Caribbean islands.

Whether it beats or not, a heart is still a heart. True love never dies.


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1 -800- JENNY- PURRY

1- 800 -JENNY- PURRY
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 18, 2012)

People aren’t the only ones making diet resolutions for the New Year after packing on pounds of glazed ham scraps, leftover beef stuffed pies, and bone shaped sugar cookies during the holidays. Taking after their owners, over 50% of dogs and cats in the US are overweight, obese, or need the Jaws of Life to peel them off the couch during a commercial break of Animal Cops to reach the litter box 2 feet away. Helping put an end to the marshmallow pup epidemic, Purina has joined forces with Jenny Craig to create Project Pet Slim Down; an online weight loss program for tubby tabbies and husky huskies battling the hefty issue of canine/feline weight loss.

With Project Pet Slim Down, dining consists of portion-controlled meals provided by Purina Veterinary Diet Food with fat free turkey bacon treats. Members receive exercising tips for their burly furry friends such as playing fetch with a 5-pound weighted Frisbee, signing up for a pet yoga class, and working out to fitness videos starring Richard Simmons doing jumpimg jacks in a glittered catsuit to Donna Summer tunes.

Users can also keep track of their weight loss progress on the website and post before and after photos of Fluffy wearing a bikini.

With better nutrition and a more active lifestyle, the weight loss program improves your pet’s health, life longevity, and overall self esteem. Everyday dogs and cats face public scrutiny as a plumpy pet. It’s hard enough watching those skinny bitches flashing their 8 nipples on America’s Next Dog Model and Gisele Meow-chen on the cover of Catsmopolitan magazine.

Whether you walk on 2 or 4 legs, life in the fat lane can be tough. Luckily those days of “Blubber Binx” and “Muffin Top Max” are over. After a month on the diet plan, results show pets can easily fit underneath coffee tables, walk around the block without getting winded and find that tight Christmas sweater Grandma knitted now too baggy.

Turn your round hound into a hot dog with buns of steel and chubby kitty into a true Pussycat Doll. With Project Pet Slim Down, your pet’s new sexy slender figure will change their image from McFatty to Mac Daddy with more butts to sniff, tails to chase, and an all around happier outlook on life. Don’t be surprised to find a gift of a dead rodent on your doorstep as a thank you.


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Hostess Is Hopeless: Twinkie Troubles

Hostess Is Hopeless: Twinkie Troubles
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 14, 2012)

The theory of the world coming to an end in 2012 is ringing true after Hostess, the snack company that brought us Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and type 2 diabetes, has filed for bankruptcy. Taking business advice from Winnie the Pooh, the corporation hopes to climb out of the financial hole it’s stuck in, yet the possibility of the makers of packaged fatty delights closing its doors forever has the public in an outcry of fear, tears, and drool.

No ‘mo Ho Hos, oh no! Hostess’ yummy artery-clogging-goodies are a staple in the American diet and hold the #1 top spot in the food pyramid. Without Zingers, Sno Balls, and 480 calorie Fruit Pies to help build the poor eating habits this country is known for, a giant fireball of destruction will unravel, leaving millions jobless, depressed, and hungry.

Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and tapeworm diet companies will go out of business after people are left choosing a tofu vegetable salad over a box of Hostess Cupcakes for dinner. You’re fired, Mariah! Dentists will also be out of work without cavities to fill in sugar rotting teeth. And so much for enjoying watching fatties on TV trip and fall face first on a moving treadmill on The Biggest Loser. Yet, it’s the poor, defenseless, children who will suffer the worst of the Hostess apocalypse, having to resort to an apple as an after school snack and Frogs On A Log as a special weekend treat.

Hopefully, the Occupy Twinkie movement has been put together, as protesters camp outside 7-Elevens, Kwik Stops, and behind the sofa demanding snack equality, employment, and mini cakes with cream filling. American consumers are also asked to stock up now on Hostess chubby cuisine food products in case of disaster. Hurry! Don’t let the dime-a-deal snubbers on Extreme Couponing cheat you out of lifetime supply of Ding Dongs!

However, Little Debbie could not be happier with the news of Hostess’ bankruptcy and already in the works renovating her throne of shelves as the new Queen B of the grocery store’s snack aisle. That bitch.


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Kim, Kourtney & Khloe Take Toys 'R Us

Kim, Kourtney & Khloe Take Toys ’R Us
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Jan. 7, 2012)

You see them everywhere; on TV, magazine covers, the red carpet, and soon next to Mr. Potato Head on the shelf of toy stores worldwide. After striking a deal with Mattel Inc, Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian will be made into limited-edition Barbie dolls, crashing the legendary fashionista’s hot pink Dream House with useless drama and a camera crew later this year. Soon, little girls can play brainless bimbo reality show, hold tea parties with the Kardashians fighting over the last crumpet, and shoot a sex tape with Kim and a GI Joe .

Doing away with the completely unrealistic 39”/19”/33” Barbie image, the Kardashian dolls will reflect the sassy sisters actual sizes with extra filling in the badunkadunk of Kim’s figurine and a pregnant belly for Kourtney, while Khloe’s doll will simply use Ken’s body in a brunette wig. The toy trio will also come with Kardashian designed clothes, including low-cut leopard print tops, shiny black leggings, and a mini version of Kim’s strapless, poofy, ill-fated wedding dress. Bug-eyed sunglasses, BlackBerrys, and divorce papers accessories sold separately.

For over 50 years, Barbie has been showing off her vocational gifts in different careers, from a lifeguard to an astronaut to a McDonald’s cashier and more. What is that teaching today’s youth? Hard work can make you successful? Don’t be ridiculous. Scuba diving, flying planes and deep frying chicken nuggets is not going to land you a coveted spot on Toddlers & Tiaras. It’s important for children to learn at an early age, no matter what Barney says, you can be famous for doing absolutely nothing. America’s got talent, but the Kardashians sure don’t. Yet they have millions of dollars, fans, and boxes of Twinkies. It’s time to keep it real and the launch of the Dash Dolls will do just that.

As the Kardashian’s empire continues to expand, there is no telling what to expect. Already hitting the female demographic with Kardashian Barbie dolls, Kardashian blow up dolls for boys to “play” with seems profitable. Will a move from KB Toy Stores to sex toy stores be next? Find out next Sunday at 10pm on E!

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