Saturday, December 31, 2011

Rolling Back Prices With Every Swing

Rolling Back Prices With Every Swing
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 31, 2011)

Let’s get ready to rumble! A Walmart greeter in Batavia, New York, got greeted herself with a punch in the face from a fist-flying customer. The elderly employee and busted up victim, Grace Suozzi, simply asked to see the shopper’s receipt at the store exit. However, Jacquetta Simmons took the request as a T.K.O. invite that landed Suozzi in the hospital with multiple facial fractures, painful swelling and a missed night at Bingo. Flawless Victory!

With Suozzi out cold on the floor, Simmons fled but was stopped in the parking lot by Walmart workers, shoppers, and spectators who had placed bets on the brawl. It was discovered her receipt showed her purchases of the Road House DVD, smiley face socks and bundles of bananas were paid for. No theft of any kind. Yet Simmons remains silent on why she went Rocky Balboa on Suozzi, because the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The 70 year-old retiree started working at Walmart a few months ago to save up enough money to pay for vaginal rejuvenation surgery that wasn’t covered by Medicare. (The sugar walls are sagging; it’s time for a lift.) Yet it appears her friends at the senior center were right. Suozzi was better off taking a job as a school crossing guard, trading in her blue vest uniform for a neon one and a broken nose for a STOP! sign.

The location where the granny beat down took place is not surprising, though. Better known as a popular hangout for the bored, weird, and fashionably handicapped, Walmart lures in the most bizarre. Why not turn the store into a boxing ring? Out of stock on Charmin toilet paper and the gloves are off!

“Welcome to Walmart! How may I help you?” – now them be fightin’ words.


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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

From Facebook To The Jail Books

From Facebook To The Jail Books
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 28, 2011)

It’s a digital age we live in nowadays, with children listening to The Wiggles’ Greatest Hits on their iPod, nuns texting the word of God during morning prayers, and Grandpa setting his next urologist appointment on his iPad 2. Everything is as simple as a push of a button, even when it comes to a crime investigation.

A Pittsburg market was burglarized by four thieves earlier this month. The robbers got away with $8,000 in cash, cigarettes and 100 bags of Skittles. It was mission accomplished for the gang, with a trip to Disney World planned, till one member posted pictures of the pocket-posse with all their stolen goodies on his Facebook page. Turns out the thoughtless thug, Isaiah Cutler, forgot to change the privacy settings on his Facebook account. The photos were made public and provided the police solid evidence for their arrest. No Law & Order detective work needed; the cops didn’t even have to put down their jelly donuts. Case solved.

Bored of flipping through MAD magazine and played out on Super Mario, the amateur burglars were just looking for something to do on their winter break from school. A store robbery was the answer! The group was made up of two 14 year-olds, a 17 year-old, and Cutler as the eldest and dumbest at 18. The other 3 will serve their short sentence for grand theft as juveniles before heading back to the 8th grade while Cutler will be tried as an adult, and likely ruled a new life in handcuffs, picking up trash off the freeway, and becoming the newest bitch in the Pittsburg Penitentiary. Look out for his prison updates on Facebook coming soon. (Isaiah Cutler: My butt hurts. –with cellmate Stinky Pete, Isaiah Cutler: Doing the jailhouse rock! –at the Prison Yard)

Showing off their biceps and Benjamins, the after-party-raid pictures that landed Cutler in the slammer look as if they are the remains left on the cutting room floor of a poorly made hip hop video not even Vanilla Ice, with his comeback single “Ice, Ice Adult”, would participate in. The boys flash wads of cash and pose shirtless for the camera, all in hopes their Facebook Friends will click “Like” and comment on their awesomeness and glorious triumph.

However, Cutler’s lawyer claims the gangster-in-training’s images were all photo-shopped and that his client’s Facebook was hacked into. None of this would have happened on Google+.

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Saturday, December 17, 2011

America's Got Howard

America’s Got Howard
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 17, 2011)

TV’s hit, “America’s Got Talent” just got a touch of the royal treatment after The King of All Media, Howard Stern, signed on as the program’s newest judge, filling in for Piers Morgan with fart jokes, F-bombs, and boob job giveaways for bikini-stuffing-impaired contestants. The shock jock starts this summer, sitting next to Sharon Osbourne and Howie Mandel, critiquing hopefuls in the competition’s most entertaining, compelling, and STD-ridden season yet!

With Stern on board, auditions will begin showcasing new and different performances for viewers across the country to enjoy. Including mesmerizing motorboat acts, booty scrubbing stunts and amazing women shooting ping pong balls out of their vagina from the “America’s Got Talent” stage into your living room. Strippers, here’s your chance! Turn that $10 in your G-string into millions. Ready. Aim. Fire.

Let’s be honest. Singing Lionel Richie tunes and dancing the Macarena in a neon leotard can only take you so far, but having the special gift of catching bologna slices with your ass cheeks is a true, undeniable talent that is sure to get Howard’s vote and a one-way ticket to Hollywood. Star quality like that can’t easily be made.

Although the lineup will definitely bring in ratings with the unbathed, single and sex-deprived male audience, not everyone is happy with Howard’s move to primetime. Leave it to the bored mothers on the Parents Television Council to make an uproar against NBC’s choice in their latest recruit. PTC members have threaten to boycott the family friendly show, calling Stern a despicable candidate, crushing every little girls’ dream chance of ever landing a spread in Playboy magazine and winning an AVN award with Howard’s help in the process.

Nevertheless, Howard Stern is a major pop culture icon in America. The radio host is the Barbara Walters of dirty-talking journalism that has interviewed A-list celebrities, public figures and 1-toothed trannies for over 25 years. Trading in Baba Booey for Nick Cannon seems only rational.

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Thursday, December 1, 2011

My Yummy Little Pony

My Yummy Little Pony
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (Dec. 1, 2011)

Cows, chickens, and alligators of Jacksonville, make way! Thanks to President Obama, your sizzling death on a Burger King grill will now be shared with Mister Ed’s great-grandson, Black Beauty IV, and that horse from Gumby, since the slaughter and consumption of horse meat is now legal in the United States.

Chowing down on clop chops is now as patriotic as Donald Trump’s glorious comb-over, and already an American favorite. Mall food courts nationwide have opened up Stallion Subs, Horse-Fill-A, and McMustang’s eateries for shoppers to enjoy, and Martha Stewart is set to air a full episode next week on how to prepare a special holiday horse meal this Christmas.

Don’t knock it until you tried it, or ride it, rather. America needed another red meat to carry the country’s obesity epidemic along, and what better than horse? It’s a new age. The animal is no longer needed as a means of transportation anymore. And have you seen the jockeys on the race track lately? They’re starving waiting for their four-legged teammates to die.

However, not everyone is happy about the new horse-gobbling law that’s been passed. The folks at PETA are in an uproar working on their “Just Say Neigh” campaign, farmers are barricading barn doors and petting zoos throughout the country are carrying “Please Don’t Eat The Horses” signs in case of the occasional hungry visitor.

Horses of the US, you have been warned. That haystack you’re eating may be your last. John Wayne is waiting.

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