Ditch The Rosary, Grab A Pole

Ditch The Rosary, Grab A Pole
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 24, 2011)

Tired of praying for the winning lottery ticket, to lose 50 pounds off a diet of pizza and ice cream, or for Johnny Depp to fall madly in love with you, only to be ignored? Fortunately, there is a more direct way in getting your prayers answered and it doesn’t include any goody-goody deeds to get His attention. Pole Dancing For Jesus, the latest trend coming from Texas, is a workout class taught by fitness instructor/former stripper Crystal Deans, that teaches church-going women how to spin around, slither down and work a pole, for who else but Jesus Christ.

Dressed in their Sunday best, hot pants, a tank and six-inch heels, these ladies are schooled to grind, lap dance and successfully grab cash off the floor using their butt cheeks, all in God’s good name. Strutting their stuff to funky Christian music; your body is a temple so show us what you got. It’s time to spread your legs wide and open yourself up to the Lord.

Classes for Pole Dancing For Jesus are held on the Sabbath day of each week and you must provide your church program to get in the exclusive religious course. Let’s face it, church is boring with everyone in those big robes that are so unflattering to your figure. Time to spice the worship up! Step Into the light of the lord with light up pumps.

Have the man upstairs saying, “Bless you, child” while making the man you’re married to scream out, “Hallelujah!” with these new sexy moves. However, practice makes perfect, so it’s best to get your own personal pole to keep next to your rosary, Bible and Strip Aerobics DVD.

Also, no saggies or flatties, get a boob job and lift them up to the Lord

Living In Luxury: Doing It Doggy Style

Living In Luxury: Doing It Doggy Style
By Chloe Dinnerrollu (Marcn 20, 2011)

It’s a dog’s life, and for Mariah Carey’s JJ, Dolomite, Jackie, and Cha-Cha, it’s a fabulous one. The pop superstar may be known for her angelic singing voice, but she is famous for her prima-donna antics. Diva Supreme Mariah demands a throne to sit on during album signings, her own custom toilet paper when traveling, and hired an assistant just to hold her drinks. Why should her pups be treated any different?

Yes, it’s The Real House Dogs of Beverly Hills. These prized pooches enjoy their daily manicures, massages and rawhide-aroma bubble baths and cruising around in limos or their own private jet to be with mommy wherever she may be. These high-class canines play fetch with diamond encrusted tennis balls, sleep on king sized beds topped with Egyptian-cotton sheets, and are surrounded by an entourage that caters their every need including a personal doggy-treat chef, 3 butt-scratchers and 2 well-paid legs to hump.

Now with Mariah 8 months pregnant with twins, the chart topper worries her Fab Four doggies may become jealous and resentful with the babies’ soon arrival. Realizing this serious business needs to be handled by someone certified in dealing with these issues, Mariah did what any responsible pet owner would do; send her dogs to therapy.

At their first meeting, therapist to the pet stars, Dr. Pawthorne -who regularly sees Tinkerbell Hilton and Sophie Cyrus- asked JJ, Dolomite, Jackie, and Cha-Cha to vent their concerns and frustrations towards the upcoming babies. The four swiftly replied, “Ruff!”, then went back to sniffing their assistant’s crotch. At the end of the appointment, the dogs were asked to use a new daily mantra and repeat, “A baby’s head is not a chew toy” everyday as homework.

However, during the second session with the Careys, Dr. Pawthorne found out the expected twins weren’t the real reason these dogs were in therapy. As Cha-Cha confessed after being bribed with Beggin’ Strips, the four accidentally caught the movie, Glitter while on a flight to London and have been distraught ever since. “It’s just so hard to see your master, someone you hold in such high regard, perform so poorly” said Cha-Cha with a sorrow howl.

Though there’s still hope for the four-legged royals. Just like audiences around the globe have, with work, the pups can overcome this traumatic experience and return to their lavish lifestyle in peace. Livin’ it better than you, me, and Bo Obama pooping on the White House lawn.

Touchdown Dolphins!

Touchdown Dolphins!
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 14, 2011)

The Miami Dolphins have been a joke of the NFL for years and no one’s more upset than the actual dolphins of South Florida for the bad name the team has given them. The dolphins have had enough of the negative reputation Ricky Williams and Brandon Marshall give and are striking back.

On Sunday afternoon a boat tour cruised around Marco River, while underwater a dolphin pod overheard a group of people talking about football. A woman proclaimed, “Yeah, the dolphins suck!” Fuming with anger, one dolphin jumped onto the boat and fiercely tackled the woman. With his voice in high-pitched evil laughter he shouted, “Don’t you be talking about dolphins like that, beyotch! We’ll cut you! We’ll cut you!”

It took officers from the Isles of Capri Fire Department, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission and the Collier County Sheriff's Office to get the sea beast back into the water. The injured woman remains unidentified but suffers from a sprained ankle, and will forever be known as “That Lady Who Got Pwned By A Dolphin”

Don’t let the losers on Monday Night Football in teal and orange fool you, dolphins can be tough. Why should sharks get all the credit as the bad boys of the ocean? An adult dolphin weighs 600 pounds and can smack you around with its brutal tail, leaving you bloody with broken bones.. Each player of the Miami Dolphins wears up to 15 pounds in gear; a real Dolphins wear none. A helmet, pads and a cup aren’t needed. Dolphins have been trying to lose their goody-good image for years. The dingo didn’t eat your baby Meryl, the dolphin did.

Unfortunately, dolphins have always had The Brady Bunch stereotype, like Flipper, or the lucky bottlenosed-dudes of Sea World, living the luxurious life, constantly getting their picture snapped, living in crisp clean tanks and eating all the fresh fish they want. All the while the wild ones get no respect. Dolphins are tired of being the laughing stock of the animal kingdom because of Miami.

It’s time for a change. Take this as a warning.


Source

Polygamy TV

Polygamy TV
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (March 10, 2011)

Like Tommy Lee discovering a crabs colony inside his shorts every week, they’re baaack! A family that easily puts the Kardashians arguing over who had the last jelly donut to shame, Sister Wives has returned for a second season on TLC starting this Sunday.

Yes, the reality-show documenting a polygamist relationship(s) revolving around one man with 4 wives and 13 children is again out to prove that sharing is caring, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, “Winning”.

Sister Wives’ Brown family is of the Mormon faith living in Lehi, Utah, far from the hustle and bustle of crazy monogamous city life. As the Spice Girls once said, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends” and in Mormon translation “friends” means “wives”. Two-timing, three-timing, four-timing, or more, is a religious practice such as going to church, prayer, and shoplifting the pootie for Jesus. In the eyes of God, marriage is all about love, commitment and nightly video-taped threesomes.

Just as it is seen and taught on the show, whether you have a face for Vogue or Fug Weekly, polygamy doesn’t discriminate. No matter what your reflection shows or the things people at Wal-Mart’s check-out say, every chap holds equal rights to the glory of PlayersVille. With 18 people crammed inside the Brown home, it certainly is a full house. Yet, mac daddy, Kody Brown looks nothing like Full House star and heartthrob, John Stamos, and instead resembles the chubby goofy other dude, Uncle Joey, who traded in his mullet for layers and 4 sets of boobies.

If you’re worried about the kids of Sister Wives, don’t be. There are 13 of them, so they’ll never get lonely. It’s not like they’re starved for their father and biological mother’s attention. Daddy cannot be bothered; he has new tail to chase and mommy already has enough on her plate bringing up 6 children that aren’t hers.

Let’s get real. A marriage between a man and one woman never works out, just look at mom and dad, Jon and Kate Gosselin, or the tragic split of Hulk and Linda Hogan. A smart man needs his back-ups; collecting insurance at the chapel is a brilliant Idea, right next to the invention of the ShamWow.

Single ladies! How many times have you been left disappointed after meeting Mr. Perfect at the 7-Elevan Slurpee station, only to spot a wedding band on his finger while holding up his Big Gulp? Total bummer. Luckily, Kody Brown and plenty of other married men in Utah are signed onto Match.com and looking for (another) special someone since silly things like fidelity never matters in a relationship. You’ll be living every little girl’s dream as “Wife #5”, cooking 20 servings of pot roast, raising an army of children and cleaning toilets in no time.

TLC stands for “The Learning Channel”, so learn something.