Rocky the Grizzly Says He's BEAR-ly Guilty

Rocky the Grizzly Says He’s BEAR-ly Guilty:
In His Own Words
As Told to Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 25, 2008)

RAWR! I’m a bear!

I tower over you like a tidal wave set to crush and hold the weight of 500 bags full of canned beef. I have claws that can rip the skin off your face, along with the strength to mangle and distort your body into my own (non-)living Picasso.

I never floss, I never wipe, and I never shave- because I am a bear.

Sometimes people forget this, and I’m not too sure why. Humans claim to be the evolved and smarter species, with your hybrid cars and spray-on tans, yet you lack the common knowledge that I can kill you, as effortlessly as popping open a can of beer, because I am a bear.

My name is Rocky, and I’m a Grizzly. I appear in movies and TV commercials, and occasionally perform stunts for your stupid enjoyment. Things were already turning sour, when I recently got myself into a little predicament.

You see, earlier this week I accidentally “attacked” one of my trainers. I took a little-itty-bitty bite out of his neck, and ultimately it led to his death.

As sad as everyone appears to be, I have to admit, this is sort of a rite a passage for me. As a young cub, I always enjoyed tales of the violent acts committed by my ancestors that have taken place over centuries. Deep down inside, I feel whole.

Although, as easy as it is for me to take someone’s life, I’m telling you, this one was a total slip. Aren’t we allowed one of those every now and then? What’s manslaughter between coworkers, huh?

Look, I’m sorry- then again I lack compassion and empathy when it comes to human beings. Accidents happen. He was handling me; I’m a bear

Times are hard enough, with having to add the box-office flop, Semi-Pro, onto my resume. I’m only 5 years old and already getting dragged down with Will Ferrel’s dwindling career. There is not enough awareness of the pressures on Animal Stars in Hollywood. But I’m not an animal star; I’m a bear.

I am warrior of the forest.

If I had it my way, I’d be living it up in the Alaskan wilderness, alongside my girl with the biggest and hairiest ass in the Pacific Northwest. You know, one of those classy broads that can rip up a lost and mindless camper, and make a necklace of their intestines.

In the end, I guess all I can say is, “Oops! My bad.” But how many times do I have to repeat myself? I’m a frickin’ bear!

Source

Abortion Girl Makes a Swirl with Spin Art

Abortion Girl Makes a Swirl with Spin Art
By Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 20, 2008)

No matter what mood you may be in, I don't know of anyone who'd pass up on a good dead baby joke. But of course, leave it to some performance artist with matted hair to screw it up for the rest of us, because a new sanguinary controversy ain't bringing in any LOLs.

Aliza Shvartz, an art student at Yale University, decided for her final project to knock herself up only to knock the embryos out, over and over again. The art comes in when she videotapes it all (Hopefully with a tripod; nothing more nauseating than watching a shaky screen!) and uses the blood and matter collected from her abortions as her medium.

Using your own blood after running out of paint is understandable, but this is kind of pushing it. There's no word on where or how she was able to preserve her bodily deposits during the process, but it wouldn't be too surprising to find them all stored in her own refrigerator, right next to last night's Chinese.

Shvartz is one of those Do-It-Yourself types. And when it came to getting pregnant, did things a little differently than the average drunk college skank. She didn't actually have sex with anyone, since men can be so undependable. And when it came to the periodical evictions, didn't even bother going to an abortion clinic. Instead she took semen donations -from buds with plenty to share- to insert into her snatch with a syringe. Then later she'd open up a box of Plan B and wait it out --sitting alongside an egg timer. DING!

Sounds like another attention-grabby feminist with grizzly bear armpits and misfitted clothes on the prowl, but I doubt even Ani DiFranco would have Shvartz's back on this one.

Such an ordeal for the sake of art. I mean, who really wants to be the owner and manager of some deranged import-export business? All the inserting and aborting, inserting and aborting; it sounds so tiring, not to mention messy. But obviously monthly visits from Aunt Flow aren't enough for a solid piece.

As shocking and appalling as it all is, one can only pray she did a reasonable job at cleaning up after herself. If not, then that would just be bad etiquette.

After learning about the exhibit, Yale University claims it to all to be a hoax, and that so-called blood documented actually came from a Heinz bottle, rather than Shvartz's vagina. Shvartz's still stands by her work, stating that the project, is in fact, the real deal, and that what you see, is what you hope to never get with your shrimp cocktail.

Either way, now Tub Girl's finally got a run for her money.

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The one that got away:

Will Project's Sashay Make It Work?

Will Project's Sashay Make It Work?
by Chloe Dinnerrolly (April 12, 2008)

Auf Wiedersehen, Bravo! Later this year, Heidi Klum and gang are set to catwalk into the BenGay/Chanel No.5 smelling arms of Lifetime Television. It seems Project Runway is out to reach a larger demographic; one that includes senior citizens and single women who tend to overeat, snacking on Oreos while watching The Nanny.

A FIERCE competition among up-and-coming fashion designers, Project Runway is one of Bravo's highest rated shows. Along with a supermodel, it also happens to star the superstud, Tim Gunn. One can only guess the motivation behind the drastic move from its (soon-to-be former) network.

Was Heidi intimidated by Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi and tangled up in some post-supermodel rivalry? (Was Padma threatening to pack up her knives and go at it?) Or was it James Lipton, with his glued-on facial hair and stenciled glasses? Did the Inside the Actors’ Studio host pass on an ass-kissing interview with Santino Rice? I bet it was that lesbian, Jackie Warner from Workout, with her dumbbells and bronchitis-beaver voice. Oh, the hostility.

Be as it may, the show must go on, even if it feels like switching from satin to cotton panties.

Better known for its made-for-TV movies revolving around themes such as adultery, rape, domestic violence, and battered women, the Lifetime network may just give the reality series the juiciness its been lacking.

A designer creating an outfit out of human hair? How dull. Now, a designer creating an outfit out of human hair AND cheating on their lover with the host's dog groomer who just got out of jail for puppy pedophilia? Now THAT's hairy with high ratings guaranteed! Plus the cost of fleas.

If all is set to plan, Heidi's farewells should switch from air kisses to a slap across the face. "You are out! GET OUT!" While the judges will flip from fashion-smart Nina Garcia and Michael Kors to turkey-smart Valerie Bertinelli and Melissa Gilbert

Unfortunately, as Project Runway moves to a network familiar to most as "television for women", it brings a new sexist spin along with it. This is bound to draw a negative effect on the show's package-carrying viewers (who love 'em package-carrying contestants). For the past 4 seasons, 3 out of the 4 winners have been men. Deservingly so. Now it seems eliminations wail be 2 ovaries: in. 2 testicles: out.

It may be too soon to tell, but predictions for the future winning collection are said to look something like this: